sirius black -- eventually, even stars burn out (seirios) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2009-07-23 01:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1980-07] july, james potter, sirius black |
Who: Sirius and James
What: Sometimes it isn't the dead you worry about in graveyards.
When: Late morning, 22 July 1980
Where: Godrics Hollow Cemetary
Warnings: Emo alert.
Uncle Charlus had been very understanding about James's desire to go visit his father's grave alone. James hadn't given him any reason not to be trusted in quite some time, and Charlus felt that any connection James made with the name Potter and its history could only be a good one. He apparated James to the edge of the cemetery and promised that he would be back in an hour to retrieve him. He had business at Gringotts to attend to, but if James got into any trouble he could journal to him and he'd be there immediately. James was a few minutes early, wanting to make sure that Sirius didn't show up while his uncle was still here, and he wondered through the muggle graves to the wizarding section, and sat down on his father's plot, and leaned against the headstone. It was cold marble and comforting somehow. He kept his eyes on the gate entrance, both nervous and excited to see Sirius. He knew that things weren't the same... but he didn't know what to do about it. He fiddled with the bandage over his wrist, wishing it wasn't there, but knowing if Sirius saw what was beneath it he'd be more upset. If only he'd stabbed his hand instead-- the wrist seemed so-- death wishy. Muggle London left beneath him, Sirius couldn't have been happier the fucking stealth he'd built into that bike. He took better care of that thing that most people did with their children. He set down when Godrics Hollow was in sight, hitting the road with a bump that made him wonder if he would still have the ability to reproduce after that and swung around until the bike became visible. He took off the bike and grasped his wand in his pocket hard, clenching his jaw in ready if this was a stupid trap. He had his portkey if he needed it. He knew he could get out, but damnit, he was pretty scared right now and he had to see him. He spotted him over by the headstone, watching him for a moment before launching himself on him with an abashedly happy hug. James had seen Sirius coming, but he had no reason to put his hand on his wand. It was a shitty wand, and if Sirius wanted to hex him then he'd end up hexed... that's all there was to it. But he trusted his best friend, even if he wasn't so sure Sirius still wanted the title. When he was hit with the hug he couldn't help but laugh, a mixture of relief and happiness. "Wasn't sure you'd come," James said, hugging Sirius back as if he hadn't seen him in months. "After-- after yesterday--" he stumbled over the words. It was hard to think about, even now, what Sirius had written, but James was going to suffer through the pain if it meant he got to spend more time with his friend. James tugged him down next to him so that they'd be mostly obscured by his father's grave marker. It was poncey but who gave a damn about that? Sirius had been so freaked out the previous evening that he was lucky he was ever letting him out of his sight ever again. It brought back so many memories of fights and wars but he pushed the thoughts down as he couldn't think about all that now. It was too difficult. Settling himself on the ground, Sirius let go enough that he could give him a good look. He noticed the bandage straight away and his eyes instantly searched for an answer. "Are you alright?" He whispered, before giving him a good, sharp whack on the other arm. "Don't you ever do that again!" He was aware he sounded like an old maiden but hardly mattered right now. "Shit, of course I'd be here. I've been worried fucking sick for the last twelve hours!" He gave him one more thwap for good meassure. "Ow," James complained, wincing at the first punch and then pouting slightly at the second. "I told you I was fine," he insisted. "It was a gut reaction. Read it-- thought you were saying you didn't want to be my friend anymore-- and just-- it wasn't anything," he said, not wanting to continue with exactly what it was he'd meant to do. Sirius already thought he was unstable and that wasn't going to help anything. "Mum'll hardly talk to me," he said quietly. "She stays in her room. And before you ask, no, Uncle Charlus hasn't done anything to her. She's been like this since she first saw me... She's afraid of me." He might have told Gaius a lot the night before but Sirius was the only person he would ever admit this to. "I'm trying to be good. I'm trying so fucking hard to make things right. But no matter what I do it's not good enough. I'm not your friend, I'm not mom's son, I'm not a father, I'm not a Gryffindor..." James was rambling and his voice was hardly his own. James Potter was never unsure. "I'm not even sure I'm James Potter." "You're not fine," Sirius told him, deciding that pussyfooting around the issue like a couple of girls bouses would not do either of them any good. If he tried to do something...untoward...he'd be here to stop him. "I need you to listen to me and not think badly of me, right now. You tried to hurt yourself because of...of me?" He took an audible swallow and looked down at the ground to collect the words so they didn't just tumble out in a flurry of mismatched feeling, "For a start, I am not worth that. Even now, I would never put you in danger and I know you wouldn't put me in danger either. We're best friends. I never had one before you and if I don't have you," he stopped for another swallow and deep breath, "If you don't want that anymore, I'll never have another friend like you as long as I live, however long that is considering Bellatrix is right about one thing: I can't run forever." He cleared his throat and took another breath, "Sometimes I think I never stopped running, from the moment that I left Grimmauld Place or maybe this is maturity." He gave a weak smile. "Whatever it is, can't say I like it." "Your Mum..." He smiled for real now, "Do you remember when we first met? My world then, soceity itself, was frightening for you. You wouldn't believe what life was like in that situation. That's what your Mum is doing right now. She's afraid of this world your immersing yourself in and speaking from experience, Prongs, I'm pretty fucking scared too." He sighed, "Not scared of you, I could never be afraid of you because I know you'd never hurt me. But of what's happened to you." "A year ago, we were riding trays down the stairs together. You were happily married and even a few months after that, you were so so happy to be a father. Scared, but happy. We were going to do so many things and then suddenly, within a matter of months, weeks even, you feel completely differently." He pushed his forehead against his in an affection gesture more suited to their animal alter ego's. "You are James Potter. He got scared sometimes, upset and unsure. That's what he had me for. What you have me for. So please listen to me. Listen to your Mum. Admit that something just isn't right at the minute. I'm not asking anything else from you. Just admit it to me. Trust me and I swear I will not repeat it. I swear it on Shadow." And this is why Sirius was and would always be his best friend. "I don't want you to not be my friend," James said. "I'm always going to need you." His voice was a whisper. It was almost like two pieces of one person were warring in his head. "And I remember," he added slowly. "That first time at your house. With the elf heads and your mum and the thick drapes. I was terrified. I think I even tried to hold your hand," he said, cracking a small smile. When Sirius pressed their heads together and there was nothing else there... no one else but Sirius to fill his entire view, something very small and very frail cracked inside of James. "I'm scared," he whispered, so silently that if Sirius's ear hadn't been within inches of his mouth he would never have heard it. "Something isn't right." "So need me," Sirius smiled genuinely, breathing again for the first time in a while. Not literally, or he'd be dead by now, but it was progress. "You were afraid for me and I thought you were being really dumb," He gave a quick, sharp laugh, "Then I saw your house! It was so warm and you were so happy. I wanted to be you then. I still do, most days." Imagine if the snakes had tried to bite him or something. It was funny enough, as it was. "You spoke your mind and held your own against what I found - let's be on honest, still find - to be the scariest force in this universe. You were scared shitless but you still held your own, you still trusted me and still tried to take care of me. No matter how afraid you are, you're always thinking of others. That's what makes you who you are. Not being fearless, but with not letting that fear paralyze you." He let his head drop from his and nodded lightly, whispering in the same conspirational tone they used to back at school. "I know. I know and it's okay. See? You told me and nothing bad happened." James looked around, looking very much younger than he was. "You should probably go," he whispered. "Uncle Charlus will be back soon and this might be hard to explain, even if I'm allowed to see you and all." His eyes continued to scan the gravestones and his hand moved to his wand. "I'll-- I'll think about all of this," he said, avoiding Sirius's eyes. "It's like you said... like you at first... trying to sort things out back then. I just don't know." It was like a mental block or something. Like there was something in the way of his accepting everything Sirius had just said, but this was Sirius. "I trust you. I know you wouldn't lie to me," he said emphatically. "And I do need you. Give me time. Something isn't right." He repeated it as if he was hearing it for the first time, and whatever it was that was small and frightened in him glowed warm for just a second. "I don't want to go," Sirius told him, but he knew he'd have to. It was true enough. He'd spent his happiest times in Godrics Hollow and even standing, well, crouching in a graveyard was close enough to it that he didn't want to let go easily. "I know I have to, but that isn't making it easier to get up and leave." He took James' lead, as he always had and took his wand to his hand. They may have to both disappear pretty damn sharpish. "You told me not to trust anyone. Now it's my turn. Be careful who you talk to about this, James. Travers knows something happened because I was so freaked out last night that Remus asked but please, please be careful. If something happened to you, I don't know what I'd do." He didn't want to push his luck with this one. At least he'd gotten a message through to him. He put his hand on his wrist, checking to see how bad it was as if he could tell just by touching. "No matter what, when I was going through this uncertainty about myself, when I was thinking maybe I was just sick for having a different opinion, I could always write to you and you'd make me feel better. I'll always be here to do that for you, okay? Next time you feel like this," He tapped his bandage, "You write to me or tell me to come find you and I swear, come hell and high water, I will. Deal?" James sat very still and when Sirius mentioned Remus, James shuddered and seemed to pull back a little. He said nothing though. When Sirius took his wrist James looked mildly ashamed. "I freaked out," he said, tugging it back toward him protectively. "I can't live if I'm all alone and I thought you were leaving me. That's all. I know you're not. I wasn't trying to kill myself," James said, finally letting the words escape for the first time. "I don't know why I did it, and I know that's what it looks like, but I wouldn't-- I'll write to you," he said. Even though he'd told Sirius that he should leave he suddenly grabbed his arm tightly and then pulled him into a hug. It was tight and he wasn't sure he could let go. "And maybe it won't be too long before something changes," he said, though his voice was muffled in Sirius's shoulder. "Maybe life can stop being so hard." "That bordered on blackmail, James." Sirius was grinning, though. He was playing or joking or doing whatever it was that made him feel better about the whole thing. "I know you'd write to me. We tell each other the big things and the little things. We always have. Always will, yeah?" Sirius was slightly startled by the hug and ashamed of the fact his hand went to his pocket first. He soon just hugged him, patting him on the back and trying to be as comforting as he could be. "You've been through a lot," he told him, "I want things to stop being hard, but just because things are hard, doesn't mean it's not worth it. It wasn't always easy to be best friends, especially when I caused The Incident, but we muddle through." It was what they did. How they survived. "You have no idea how much I want you to come home with me right now, but I lived through six years of that feeling, I can live with it again." James nodded. "I think I'm getting my wand back this week. And after that-- even if I can't come to wherever you're staying because of Order things, we could have a place to meet. My new flat or something... we'll work it out," he said, and he believed it. He let go of Sirius. "You really should go. Don't want to get in trouble this week and set shit backwards," he confessed. "Uncle Charlus is good to me but I don't think it'd be a good idea to give him a reason to change that." "As long as we're careful," Sirius told him gently, before shifting uncomfortably. "There are a lot of people would like to see me gutted. Probably literally. Maybe we need a neutral space." It was ridiculous to talk about neutral spaces with James but practicalities demanded it. He pulled back and didn't meet his eyes, "Your family loves you unconditionally. You taught me that." He didn't dare push any further. He had to be bloody delicate about some things. "Your Mum will always love you and you had better give her my best, even if no one else knows you've been here, you bloody pass that along to that woman because I miss her too." It was easier to admit to missing her than to get all mushy again. He pulled himself back and flashed him the Sirius Black smile, the one that happened when he was really excited, "I'll see you. Okay?" James nodded. Sirius was going easy on him and he knew it. "We'll find someplace neutral. And if anyone hurts you, purist or not, I won't let them get away with it," James said seriously. "You don't get Sirius Black without James Potter." He adjusted the way he was sitting and turned slightly to face the front gate. "Maybe you should go out the back, Pads," he suggested. "You know the way. Out around that pushed down fence with the tree I fell out of that one time." He took a deep breath to keep the panic he was feeling at losing Sirius yet again out of his voice. "I'll see you again soon." Sirius bit back the 'clearly they do, or we wouldn't be here', not because he was going soft but because didn't mean it. Not really. He just had the instinct to hurt him because of everything. Instead, he nodded. He could call the bike to him with no problem if he went that way and he did believe he had his best interests at heart. "You bloody well better." He'd made progress. This was a start. A good start. "Be safe." He gave him a sloppy 'mwah' kiss to the forehead before legging it through the back of the graveyard and straight on till home, even if he had double looped to make sure he wasn't be followed. Those late night espionage films were good for something! |