sirius black -- eventually, even stars burn out (seirios) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2009-07-22 10:42:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1980-07] july, narcissa malfoy (née black), sirius black |
Who: Sirius and Narcissa
What: Ruminations and rememeraces make no real difference, in the end.
When: Early morning, 22 July 1980
Where: Highgate Cemetery, London
Narcissa had become an early riser out of necessity; Draco always seemed to be hungry around five or six, though she had to remind herself that he was getting slightly better at sleeping through the night. It had proved beneficial in this case, as London seemed pale and still mostly asleep at the hour she had risen, making the logistics of this trip all the easier. And though she disliked leaving Draco alone with the nanny, Lucius was home and hopefully she would be back before the baby awoke again. Unnoticed, Narcissa stepped into Highgate Cemetary, careful not to slip on the dew and drop the lilies from her gloved hands. She avoided all the Muggle graves easily, and did not look down at the ground once until she reached the area where the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black had been buried for generations. Here it was - the crest, the motto, her great-great grandparents and further back, grey and ornate. She passed Cygnus' grave with a short pause; it had flowers, as Druella was nothing if not methodical. There was Uncle Orion's. And then here, finally, was Regulus'. Her baby cousin, her favourite, the hopes and pride of the Black family, and now nothing but a carved name. Today Narcissa didn't want to sit and console Julianne, try and talk to the silent Walburga, or be a comforting presence for her weary mother. It would have to happen at some point, she knew, but surely no one would be awake and here this early, and she could mourn. Kneeling down in the grass, Narcissa placed the armful of lilies by the 'Regulus Arcturus Black,' trying hard not to think that it really wasn't his body here at all. "Happy nineteenth birthday, Regulus." Long nights of logistics and freaking out did not make a happy Sirius. He wanted to do something. He had to do something, to take his mind off James and Peter and his vague uselessness to the whole situation. He'd see him today; that would be enough. Wouldn't it? The early morning light filtered through the safe house, but it didn't alleviate the feeling of claustrophobia and death. That's what it was, wasn't it? When you could no longer effect the world and make a difference, it was death. When you had to herd up like a sleepover without the games, you can forget about the world because what the hell are you doing with it? It wasn't that he didn't understand why they were supposed to stay in. Then again, when had he ever done what he was supposed to? Hadn't he made a career out of never doing as he was told? Logically, he knew it was for his own safety, but a part of him wanted to take off anyway, simply because he could. That's what he does, isn't it? Things get hellish and he takes off. Except he believed in this. Except he could never do anything to hurt them because things were hard enough without him making it more difficult. He could take a reprieve though. Cut out for an hour or two, as long as he was careful not to use magic or draw attention to himself. He scribbled something quickly for Remus 'Be back by noon! Have my portkey!' and decided to head for a drive. It wasn't more than about six in the morning but the muggle lanes were already coming to life. Didn't these people sleep? Somehow, he'd managed to find himself at Highgate. It didn't make any sense until he'd thought about it. July 22nd. Figures that his subconcious was morbid. Two graveyards in one day. "In for a knut..." He noted, before climbing over into Highgate. He'd wanted some excitement. How much more exciting could you get, going to a graveyard? Clearly he was sleep deprived. Or not...He'd know that snobbish tilt even though they're in the dirt anywhere. He shoved his hands in his pocket, not co-incidently where his wand was. "Is there even a body in that thing?" Narcissa got to her feet quickly and turned to see her cousin, face forming the usual wrinkled nose of annoyance that came with seeing him. The last time had been Christmas, when Sirius had unceremoniously burst into her house demanding to know about Regulus, and the time before that had resulted in him practically gutting her sister. All in all, it never meant well. But it was somehow fitting that they had not spoken at all since January - it was hard for him to find things to mock her with when she had her husband back and a beautiful baby, Narcissa thought a touch smugly to herself. Still, he should not be here, ruining her precious little time alone. And especially ruining it with thoughts about how the body was potentially that similar looking Muggle that Bellatrix had found. Though every thought that came was back to the old staples of how the disowned ought to stay away and how he simply was not a Black any longer and didn't he have little terrorist friends to go be horrible with, when Narcissa opened her mouth, only one thing came out. "Go away, Sirius." Oh yes, the wrinkled nose of Narcissa Black (excuse me, Malfoy) has turneth to stone many a young maiden but as Sirius was neither a girl nor afraid of her, he just wandered over to the gravesite. "Notably not answering my question." He swayed on his feet back and forth several times, just for some movement to do. He wasn't a fan of uncomfortable silences with mothers. He'd never really experienced them and that was probably why he was a bit uncomfortable. Or maybe it had something to do with being this close to a lot of mud and not being able to throw it at her. He could, of course, but more trouble than it was worth...for now, anyway. "I'm going no where, Narcissa. Deal with the fact you got company or run tell someone, I really don't care." He was aware he sounded like a petulant child, but he could care less. She had a child; she'd get used to hearing moody brats soon enough or she'd kill it. Not advisable considering how long it took to get this one. If Narcissa could have heard his thoughts she would have passionately argued that Draco was never going to be a moody brat and unlike Orion and Walburga, she planned to raise her son to be a gentleman. But as it was, her only consideration was whether to leave as she could hardly see Lucius approving of standing here with a terrorist, or stay and... Well, Narcissa wasn't sure exactly what staying here entailed, but for Merlin's sake, she had been here first and Blacks were nothing if not stubborn. It might be a childish conclusion, but Sirius and Narcissa had never really brought out the best in each other, even as children, and it was a bit late to start now. "I am sure there are many who would love to know where you are, considering that Chloris actually admitted to contacting you in her trial," Narcissa snapped, though it was the emptiest of empty threats and they both knew it. This whole speaking with blood-traitors idea was a double-edged sword. "And I did not answer because I do not know," she continued flatly. "Isn't it a bit early for you to be anywhere? I was hoping to be alone here." "I hope she related my telling her to go to hell," Sirius noted nastily, before getting himself in a comfortable seated position on the ground. He could still go for his wand if he needed to but this was Cissy, for crying out loud. "Though hell might be a bit too common for that kind of court." He didn't want to think about the body, if there was one in there. He shouldn't have come here. He didn't even know why he'd come here! Being in this family was exhuasting and being out of it was even more so. Sirius stretched into a yawn, "I don't sleep too well these days, so you'll have to put up with me." He leaned back onto his arms to give himself the extra bit of leverage, considering sleep was still sinking over him like a blanket despite the morning air. He cocked his eyebrows, "I'd sit down if I were you, Cis, you can see between your legs from here." "I don't sit on dirt," Narcissa informed him crossly, choosing to ignore the last statement. One went mad if one didn't use selective hearing around Sirius. But even when when she had forced tea parties on her younger cousins as a child, there had always been blankets and it was in memory of this that she finally conjured up one to sit on. She was still both appalled by what he had said to Chloris and secretly wondering if the woman's response had been amusing. "And furthermore, I do not know exactly how Chloris phrased it; I have better things to do than attend trials." Like admire Draco's fingers and toes again, or tell her assistant at the Foundation to go accomplish something. Grimacing as one of the lilies fell over with a soft thud, she turned away from Sirius and back towards the grave, working for a long moment until they stood up again. "I was supposed to give him a better birthday party this year." The last one had been a complete failure, quite frankly, with Georgina and Evan's deaths followed by Orion and Alcander Lestrange's and then all that trouble Regulus had gotten into for... talking to Sirius, if Narcissa remembered correctly. "And this-" she gestured to the festivities that were the two of them and the cold dirt and colder marble- "is not really fair, I suppose, and I hope he forgives me." "Oh, we are fussy, are we not?" Sirius' voice dripped with sarcasm and his accent lilted more heavily like her own. He could speak proper if he wanted to, but it was only funny when you were around Narcissa. She got her feathers all ruffled and looked like one of her bloody peacocks. "Dunno what she's got to be bent out of shape about, anyhow. She's going for a relaxing, all expenses paid holiday to the 'rehabitation clinic'," He lifted his fingers in ditto marks but they were the most sarcastic ditto marks you'd ever seen. "Not like you care, though, right?" He shifted so he could get a better look at her features, not that her ankles weren't sparkling and all. "You don't like her." Sirius cocked his head at the flower, "Things don't always go the way you plan them. I think he, of all people, would have understood that." Hadn't he lost a lung that way? Seemed like a million years ago. "Besides, he'd have wanted something quieter, like one of your little tea parties. Not that it much matters. Unless the umbelical cord between him and mum actually did make him a spook, he doesn't have anyway of telling you, even if he is aware of any of this." "Though it might not be easy to see, there is a difference between disliking someone in society and hoping they will be stupid enough to commit treason and end up on trial," Narcissa replied, adjusting her gloves. "Anyway, I was not aware that the two of you were friends. Or not really friends anymore, I suppose." While it was incredibly stupid to contact disowned family members, it was even stupider to contact those disowned from other families - there wasn't even the old memory of something that might have once been loyalty. Or maybe that only applied within the Black family. Lucius certainly had not been understanding about any of it. "I didn't say hope. I said you didn't care. Apathy and hoping they'll get done for something are two different things, Narcissa." Sirius was hardly about to debate the ethics of a Death Eater run society with his ex-cousin in the middle of a damn graveyard. "We weren't friends. Aren't, even. She was pleasant enough, didn't like Mum and then threw a hissyfit when I made it abundantly clear where my loyalties lay. That's the total of it." He thought about getting out the cigarette packet in his pocket, but it felt out of place here. Everything did. "She wanted her kids out of this war and her own people locked her up. Can't say I care, to be honest, but it's an interesting point." Narcissa shrugged, unwilling to argue about this. "Also, I daresay my tea parties were always rather excellent, but I suppose you never paid any attention to them." Regulus had always been the one to calmly abide by the elaborate seating charts of dolls from Uncle Alphard and velvet rabbits when they were younger, and the real versions when they were older. "But things have never, ever gone the way I planned them to either. Some of it is your fault, some Andie's, some.." she trailed off, wondering who to blame for Regulus' disappearance, for her father's death, for Lucius' imprisonment so long ago, and finally for the news that Draco would be her only baby and that the other nurseries in the Manor might as well be turned into more parlours. Some things couldn't be pinned on the blood-traitors. That wasn't strictly true. He had once provided some frogs legs, after hearing some talk about them being a delicacy, but he hadn't had the heart to kill them, so really they were just frogs on saucers delivered, mud and all, to the tea party. "Life's what happens while you're planning other things. Even if he was here, doubt he'd be in a party kind of mood. We're all destroying each other, causing casualties here and there and it's not very ordered at all. Don't think he'd have enjoyed the mess the world's in and despite who's in power, whoever is in power at this point because it doesn't matter, it's still a mess." "You've become a very philosophical early-riser," Narcissa commented dryly. "I am not sure what happened." Maturity, of course, hardly seemed to be an option. "But in any case, it's all getting over now - don't you see? Perhaps it was not finished when I believed it was in January, but people cannot fight forever. One side will simply give up and every day gets closer and closer to normal life." There really was no question as to which side it was that would have to vanish, and though Narcissa's faith was not the same as Bellatrix's, some things were quite clear. "He would have been a very good godfather, though." The comment was directed towards the lilies. "I suppose it was the promise he broke, as I seem to have broken mine about his birthday." It was all really words, though, when it came down to it. "But at least my Draco will not have a war to deal with as he grows up, and I am grateful for that." She hadn't intended to tell Sirius her baby's name, but then, he hadn't really been supposed to know about the pregnancy either. "Grow up, Cissy, I haven't been to bed yet." Sirius fell into the banter far too easily, but he could blame it on being tired. He gave a pronounced shrug, "No, I don't see. People can fight forever if they think they should." He could mean either side at this point, but did it matter here? It was just them and Dead Boy, after all. They weren't even sure what opinion he had at this point, if any beyond 'is that MCKINNON?!', of course. "Regulus, with a baby." Sirius had to snicker at the very idea of it. Of course, it wouldn't require him having to have actually had sex, but it would still be pretty damned funny. "Clearly we shouldn't make promises we can't keep, so the wedding palooza of the last few months has left a few people doomed." She was right, it wasn't just philosophy either but social commentary. He had to start sleeping before he actually began to make sense! "You kept the tradition, then," He noted wryly. "Surprised Malfoy agreed to that one, though I guess there's always the spare." "Regulus always rose to the occasion," Narcissa replied calmly, "And I am sure Draco would have liked him very much." Not that Rodolphus and Bellatrix would not make excellent godparents - in fact, Narcissa was certain they would be wonderful. Draco would be the world's best-protected and happiest baby in the world, with Malfoys as parents, Lestranges as godparents, and precious Black blood. But sitting here, it was hard not to remember that her last conversation with Regulus had been this very subject. Narcissa pressed her lips together as Sirius mentioned spares; as ridiculous as she found the word to be, it wasn't a subject she wanted to think about. Let Sirius think it was vanity or something else that stopped her from wanting more children, not something that had caused her to cry more than once. "It is also a Roman name, following the Malfoy tradition. We thought to please both families. Would you like to see his picture?" She was already opening her locket to remove the folded photograph; it seemed Sirius didn't have any choice in the matter. "He didn't get the chance to rise to the occation, he'd have never done that before marriage," Sirius grinned, loving to get a little bit inappriopriate around his darling cousin. "I wouldn't have minded being an uncle." He supposed he was but there was no need to point that out to Narcissa. Besides, they were sitting here personably. There was no point in pushing too far. He rolled his eyes; trust Narcissa to want to show off something she created. Probably the hardest work she ever did in her life. He had to admit, he wouldn't want to brave the Malfoy penis. Maybe she had a bit of bravery about her after all. He took the photograph and scrutinised it. James' would be better looking. "Cute. Probably spoiled rotten already, as it's you." He handed it back, "Will you tell him, about Regulus?" "You are twelve and have the same disgusting sense of humour," Narcissa grimaced, any thoughts of Sirius' potential maturity fleeing. "If all of your friends are like this -- I really cannot imagine how horrible it must be, actually." Her face brightned perceptibly at his compliment, regardless of how uncreative 'cute' was as a compliment. "Is he not? I think he looks just like Lucius, though he argues that Draco looks more like his own father, but everyone says they looked very similar in any case. He defnitely has Lucius' eyes and chin; that much is quite clear, but I think his cheekbones are quite like the rest of the Blacks." She could probably have gone on for another half-hour, but trailed off when realising Sirius' comment had another part. "Of course I will tell him about Regulus. Why would I not?" "Lighten up, Cissy, life can't be prim and proper all of the time and sex is definitely one of those times." There was no way she could constantly be on, everyone needed a break now and then from being who they were. "Yes, my life is so terrible that I'm sitting in a graveyard and early am with a marker for my dead brother and possibly some random rotting corpse and you. Oh wait," He snapped his fingers enthusiastically, "So are you." You could say this for Narcissa, she was consistant. Pay her a compliment and she'll sit up and take notice. It was actually kind of nice, that she had that reaction to her child. If they weren't the opposing side, he'd probably have told her so. Hell, never mind opposing sides. If they weren't family. "Seeing as he either offed himself or even the Death Eaters have conspiracies - which makes me feel better, dunno about you - and explaining either of those to your son won't be easy." "At least I came to pay respects," Narcissa bit her lip to hide a smile. "You probably forgot the date and did not even bring flowers." It wouldn't be surprising if Sirius found dandelions from somewhere right now just to prove a point. "Our history is what it is, though, and it's all we have," she continued seriously -- though this sounded very ironic in a graveyard. "Even if it is not easy... well, it has to be taught, I think. Eventually. I want him to have a childhood like we did, with tea and quidditch and marvelous Christmases and holidays to Denmark." Just because it was something to be proud of did not make it less of a burden, the graveyard and tapestry and all that went with it. She wondered sometimes if she had escaped the mess of threads through the diamond on her hand, but you never really could leave, could you? Once a Black... "But I've tried to tell you that it wasn't us or anyone that knew Regulus. You have to believe that. Bellatrix loved him, I loved him, he was everything to your mother. I don't know what happened, and I suppose we never will, but it can't have been any of us." "I don't know why I'm here, Narcissa." That was as close to honesty as he was going to get. "I'm like that, you see. I never know where I'm going till I get there." Maybe she was right about early morning philosophy, after all. "But as you say, you can't erase your history, no matter how hard you want to at times. Like it or lump it, this was my life for almost seventeen years. I'm not sure if I'm here for him, where ever he is. Maybe I'm here for the person that was a part of his life, because I sure as hell am not that person anymore." That was thoroughly depressing, wasn't it? That was the point though. No matter how hard things get, you can't change the past. You can only change the future. Maybe after everything with James on Friday, he needed to reaffirm to himself how much he had changed and take a look at what happened to the people who didn't. Maybe he needed some faith today, after last night. He snapped out of it as easily as he'd slipped in, "Anyway, flowers are for girls." "It wasn't us either. I spoke to Bella, I don't think she killed him. I know I didn't and I trust the people around me not to have, because they know full well they'd have been dead themselves if they did, second I knew." It wasn't often he felt quite so fiercely protective, perhaps he wasn't even that so when he was alive, but he could feel it now, at least. "Cissy, he left his wand. He killed himself. Learn to live with it because Merlin knows, I have to." "I cannot," Narcissa's voice cracked, eyes overbright. "He would not do us. I know there is nothing else possible at all, the way things are, but I can't think that. He disappeared, but he wouldn't- It's a dishonour to think that." She surveyed the rows of graves for a moment. "Four funerals. I have planned four funerals by myself in the last year and I'm not twenty-five yet." I feel old was what was unsaid, but you couldn't say that aloud to someone younger than yourself, in any case. Narcissa looked down at her shoes for a long moment, for once not taking in the Italian leather. "I am starting to think that the only family I will have left in the end is the one I have made for myself." She thought of Lucius and his dry sense of humour, remembering how long he had taken to ward the Manor to keep her and their baby safe, and Draco, who knew nothing but love and loved unconditionally back. "And you, I suppose," she added as an afterthought. Come rain or fire or flood or disownment, Sirius always seemed to be around and troublesome. "And no, flowers are not just for girls." Sirius swore under his breath before giving her a hand a quick squeeze that he would never admit to if called upon. He didn't want her to start crying. That would be worse. He couldn't deal with weepy women, which was surprising considering how much practice he'd had lately. "Can't you forget about fucking honour for five minutes and just realise that this crap has caused the last remaining heir of the Blacks to become so distrought that continuing on was impossible? Fuck knows, most of the time, I have to remember him as nothing more than another casualty foot soldier in this fucking war but right now, I intend to remember the overquiet bookworm who was afraid of the dark and was a person, not a family commodity. I never wanted that for him but we all live with our mistakes." He swallowed audibly with a short bark of what could have been defined as laughter, "Well, I guess he couldn't but we have to." Sirius dropped his hand and shrugged, "I've been to twice that many and I'm not even twenty. Of course, I got off easy - most people I know my age are either dead or worse." He sighed heavily, "Doesn't mean I'm not every bit as tired as you sound, though. Or is that being a mother who gives a damn?" The thought Narcissa put forward was startling but not unrecognisable. "I figured that out a long time ago. For a family in which loyalty is integral, it's what's torn us apart too." He noticed the note of himself and cocked his head. In a moment of guilt or something like it, he put forward a thought he probably should have kept private. "Even worse, is when we leave here, we're going to be tearing those families apart too because that's just how it is. For what it's worth (and I know that's not much), I'm sorry for how it'll fuck with you and your...family. There are a lot of people I want to pay for all of this: as it stands, you're not one of them." Sentimental, stupid but also truthful. He doubted, in truth, that if the world were to go back how it was and she got her marriage, her status and her son that she would be unhappy. Now if he could just find that time machine... Narcissa squeezed his hand back, hardly believing the gesture and letting go as quickly as Sirius did. "He was not a family commodity," she whispered fiercely, shaking her head. "Don't you think that. Never, ever." There was nothing else she could say; how could she even accept that the stress of being the Black heir and a Death Eater had caused Regulus to potentially kill himself when so many others managed fine? "He liked Nicholas Farren novels and tea without sugar in it and was going to have the world's most glorious nineteenth birthday party." "We are both tired," she continued, voice still carefully low. One never knew what was treasonous these days, and as Chloris' large fall had proved, blood could only protect you so far. "But there is nothing to be done. Some of us have to endure. I just wish it had been all of us - it was easier then." Everything had been easier before; before when time had been measured in riding in the country and lemonade, when no one had thought of politics other than Toujours Pur. "And... I- I hope nothing happens to you, either," Narcissa finally managed, meeting his eyes. She would have asked him to come back, tried to tell him that it was never too late -- but in a sense, it was. Sirius was a different person than the Black heir that everyone wished for, and though they had never had much in common, determination was one thing they did. He wouldn't come back any more than she would leave. "We should probably both be going." Her voice was not eager, but the sun was beginning to glint strangely off the graves. It was impossible to think that the rest of the world was waking up to a cheerful July morning, without knowing or mourning that the hope of Black family would never turn nineteen. "So that was just me then." Sirius noted, with a lot more bitterness in his tone than he would have liked. "I don't understand it. I don't. How does this person, the one who took sugarless teas and huddled up in the blankets with me during storms, turn into a killer? Foregone conclusion with Bel, probably with me too but not with him." He gave a violent kick into the mud on the ground, akin to a child throwing a tantrum but he didn't really care. There was an unspoken demand of whether this was his fault for leaving him. He didn't want an answer, because there wasn't much of one to give. "Was it?" He asked in a more harsh tone than he meant to, before calming himself, "Yes, I suppose it was. We were a family then, as much as we ever were." The thought flickered across his mind much more quickly and he blurted it without really thinking, "If Mum dies before I do, will you tell me? I know you're not meant to but bullshit and the vileness of the woman aside, I want to know if I'm the last to carry the name and if she's flipped her wig, it probably won't be long now." And just like that, he noted the rising sun with disdain. This was a private moment and the world was intruding on it. He got up and started to brush himself down, more out of habit than care. "Stay, you wanted some time with unknown corpse. I have places to be and people to annoy." Once again, Narcissa took an inordinate amount of interest in her gloves as Sirius spoke. Regulus had not been a killer, just as Bella was not a killer and Lucius certainly was not a killer. These were the people she loved and whatever they did was to make things better and safer. She flinched at the mud he kicked up, more out of habit than concern for these particular clothes. At least it was not a worm or a frog this once. "Yes, I will tell you if something happens to Aunt Walburga," Narcissa finally agreed. "I have not seen her in a while... but Grimmauld Place is not the same, anyway. I suppose Kreacher is lording over everything." That she was scared of Walburga Black and what she had turned into was not something Narcissa was ready to admit, even though Sirius had made his dislike plain more times than she could count. She brushed off her own clothes as he did, noting that the shoes were going to need cleaning immediately. Pity. "I am certain there are terribly long queues of people waiting for your annoyance at wherever you are living now, but no, I am not staying here either. Draco will want breakfast and... well," Narcissa trailed off, smiling slightly at Sirius, though it was not a happy smile. "I found what I came here to see, I suppose, and there is nothing else left here anyway." |