sirius black -- eventually, even stars burn out (seirios) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2009-07-17 16:00:00 |
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James was flying as fast as he could, at break neck speed, enjoying the rush of the wind on his face. He'd never been confined indoors for so long before, and though he was glad for the opportunity that the Rehab Clinic had given him he was happier here with his Uncle Charlus. The man had been nothing but good to him, giving him an opulent room in his home that overlooked the rear garden, and assigning him his very own house elf to give him anything he needed. He'd also had a gift basket of Quidditch supplies waiting on James's bed, and word from James's VERY worried mum that she would be arriving the next day. Plus, he'd been able to owl Sirius and invite him over. It was as if everything in the whole fucking world was going right for once. He kept glancing at the atrium doors, hoping Sirius would appear through them any second. He'd never been so desparate to see anyone in his whole life. And he knew eventually Pads would understand. He would see that James was the same James he'd always been and he'd warm up to this. Sirius always warmed up to his plans. I must be mad, Sirius thought to himself at the house. He knew there was a strong possibility he'd have to defend himself but he had to try. It was his best friend. It was more than that, truth be told. It was James. Deciding to bring the bike up, he spun around and parked at speeds that would have sent someone of lesser skill flying. He wasn't of lesser skill. He'd been a beater for Gryffindor, nothing more dangerous than that come winter. He felt a pang in his chest of nostalgia, but it might have been the sick feeling of worry that he wouldn't see his friend as he was. He was shown through with minimal effort, but he was taking note of everything around him if he needed to get out of there sharpish. They went out to the garden and he carefully made his way out, trying to ignore the pounding heartbeat. James saw Sirius and swooped down like a mad man, stopping only inches from smashing his broom to the ground in order to launch himself at Padfoot bodily and knock him to the ground in a hug tackle. "Fucker," he said, laughing. "Never thought I'd see you again. Thought you'd be a bitch and change your mind." James was thrilled. He was beyond thrilled really. He'd not been away from Sirius for a month since they were 11 and it had been rough on James. But if Sirius had had any worry that James would look mistreated, he didn't. His hair was shorter, but it was still sticking up in a most Potteresque way, and he'd clearly been well fed. His eyes were clear, with no appearance of mental meddling and he was free of bruises or anything of the like. In fact, before he'd been taken the war had him tired looking and he'd had dark circles under his eyes frequently. Now he was the picture of health. He was James Fucking Potter without the war. "Missed you missed you missed you," he said somewhat childishly, pushing himself off of Sirius to sit next to him on the ground and beam a smile that lit up the yard. There was a moment Sirius instantly regretted where his hand twitched for his wand but he managed to still the sudden fear with abject reasoning, even if no one else would have understood the 'it's James' defense. Now of course they happened to be on the ground and swearing. It was proving to be interesting at least. "Would I do a thing like that?" Alright, maybe he would and he was going to get bloody lynched if this went horribly wrong, but it didn't hurt to say it. He had to laugh at the puppy like enthusiasm, but he caught himself. He was laughing at this? It was groteque to laugh at something this serious. "Get off me, you great lump!" He batted at him playfully, trying to feel some of that enthusiasm again but keep himself controlled. He rolled over on to his side on the ground and smiled back, "I missed you too, twat." James was out of breath, partially from the flying and partially from the attacking Sirius. He rolled onto his back, breathing heavily, and staring at the sky. "I thought you'd never forgive me," he said, this time without humor as if he was revealing something he'd really rather not talk about. But there it was. He knew that to return to purist ideals was to betray Sirius's hatred for it all, but James felt like he could have the best of both worlds. It seemed natural to him that where ever he went, whatever adventure he departed on, Sirius would be right there. "I'm sorry," he added quietly. "I wish it didn't have to be like this." "You haven't done anything I need to forgive you for," Sirius pointed out, but there was a yet at the end of that question that remained unspoken. He didn't want to say it, he didn't even want to think it but watching some of the joy and enthusiasm drain out of his best friend was not only hurtful but disturbing. "Not to me, anyway." He didn't know how to address that. How was he supposed to? He wished it didn't have to b like this too, but he wasn't going to sit here and whine about it. He had to do something. Hopefully, he still had that right at least. He had the right to his own mind, at least, didn't he? There was always that sick, niggling thought that it could be partially his mind here but that couldn't be true. Not James, not really. If it was then exactly what had he devoted all those years to? Exactly what had he sacrificed half his world for? He couldn't deny that was a little nauseating. Instead, he just shrugged. "Yeah, me too, Prongs." James sat still for a long few minutes. He hadn't expected seeing Sirius to hurt but he wasn't going to let that ruin the first chance they had to see each other. He sat up and sat his elbows on his knees as he looked at Sirius. "It's only for another month," he said. "Then I'm pretty sure they'll let me go about my business. Maybe we could get a flat together," he said. "That'd be fucking aces. What we always wanted," he said. "I was too damn impatient before. This is my chance to do my life right." "James..." Sirius pressed his lips tightly together for a moment and looked skyward. There was no way in hell this was going to be easy. "I don't stay put anywhere anymore. I haven't in a long time." Since the Bella debacle to be exact but no need to drudge up everything now. He was happy he was excited and everything and he hated being the downer, but some things had to be said. "I could lie to you and tell you we could do all that stuff but we're going to have to accept that there are some aspects of our friendship that are going to change, whether we want them to or not." He pulled his glasses off of him and on to his lap, trying to show that some things were still the same even if everything else wasn't. He hadn't really expected it to be like this. James swatted at his hand a second too late and his glasses were off and he was feeling blind but he didn't grab them back immediately. "Don't lie to me," James said immediately. "I'd rather hear the truth anyway, even if it isn't what I want to hear. This all started because people are liars," he said bitterly. "But not you. It's fine. If I have a place of my own I know you'll visit," he said firmly. "Because I'll hunt your doggy arse down if you don't." Things didn't have to change that much. Not between them. James was sure of it. "You remember after Christmas... after The Incident?" James asked. "I was so fucking sure that nothing would ever be the same again. That life as we knew it was over, and that I'd never manage to forgive you, and in twenty years we'd still be strangers. But things fixed. They fixed because time fixes shit, and what time doesn't fix we work around. I know you think that I've fucked up everything, but before you write me off entirely just give it time, Pads. Please? For me?" he asked. "And if that argument doesn't work I've got another really good one ready," James insisted. "Do you need to hear it?" "You know I'll visit," Sirius rolled his eyes at the very idea he could stay away from him for too long, because they'd have to see each other. Any idea to the contrary was horrifying. He just needed to be very, very careful, at least until he was he couldn't go anymore. It was bound to happen, but he would fight for as long as he could to keep some sense of normalcy in his life, even if it was manufactured. "Things fixed because you're a soft touch when it comes to me. I'm not saying I'm not grateful for it, but I probably deserved a longer silent treatment than the what, three and a half weeks that I got." It seemed like a thousand years ago now, sitting in his room or bothering his brother and wondering if he could just make do with what he had in his mess of a life. Maybe that's how James felt now, that he had to make a go of what he had. Clearly not though, considering everything with Lily. "I don't think you've fucked up everything. I think you've been callous and a bastard, but you have to admit, when am I not those things to the same people? To everyone in the world, in fact, except probably you. I've always relied on you to fix it when I behave the way you've been. You were overdue, I guess. You can be a shit to people if you want." He tried on his glasses and made a face, handing them back to him. "No, I don't because I have no idea what you're even arguing about. Still blind as a bloody bat, though." James laughed and snatched the glasses back from his friend, shoving them onto his face. "And things'll fix this time because you're never going to be rid of me," James insisted. "When I've set my mind to something you know it happens," he added. "And I'm not being half as callous as you think I am. I agree I don't have any business being married to Lils, but I'm being worse about than I need to be because that'll keep anyone from going after her," he said. "If my Uncle Charlus thought I wanted anything to do with that kid he'd have it killed," he said quite seriously. "If he thought I wanted to go back with Lily (and I don't, I really don't)" he clarified, making a face as if Lily was nasty "then he'd have her killed. I don't love her anymore and I don't want to be married to her, but I don't want her dead." James sighed and continued. "It was just so fucking stupid of her to mention Elvendork. No one had asked. No one knew. And she ruined all of that because she doesn't understand about Purists, and it's just another reason why it was never going to work out. You know all this," James prodded. "You know what sort of can of worms she opened by letting that spill." "That makes me feel a bit better, I gotta admit." Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. The one thing besides all of this purist crap had been his horrible treatment of Lily. It made him feel so much better to know that there was a reason behind this madness. Even if that face reminded him of much younger days, of being children who could get away with such things with each other. Simpler times. "I'm not going to make you do something you don't want to do, but I'm going to give you fair warning: you might not have anything to do with that kid, but I have to. I promised. I don't like breaking promises to the people I care about. You should know that and I hope you can deal with it." He pushed his hand through his hair a couple of times and tried to steady himself so that things didn't get too emotional, in their own way. They were blokes, after all. "I know. I'm not saying it wasn't a dumb move. It's just times like this I wish you'd fucking listened to me in seventh year when I said you shouldn't be getting too close to her. Can's opened, mess is out and now we just gotta...deal with it, best we can. Soldier on, etcetera, etcetera. Maybe you'll learn to forgive her in time for it, too." James listened to Sirius and nodded. "I want you to take care of him," James said. "I'm not heartless. I would never have hurt him," he insisted. "But I needed them to read that. I needed everyone to know I don't want him. That's what's going to be best for all of us," he said quietly. "But you be there for him. And maybe in a few years we've I've got a real heir I'll be able to manage him. Cards on his birthday or something," James said. "I don't know-- I don't know how to make this jumbled up life work, but I'm bound and fucking determined that I'm going to," he said. "And yeah... I wished I'd listened to you too," he agreed. "I don't know what I was thinking. It was probably the best advice you ever gave me and I thought you were being ridiculous. Jealous," he said, tossing a few stray pieces of grass at Sirius. "Who'd have fucking thought you actually did know your arse from a hole in the ground?" "I know. I get it, I do. I know the difference between why you're acting like an arse and when you're being one. I figured there had to be an explanation when your kid was involved." Sirius could understand it, honestly. He supposed in his position, he'd do the same thing. Not that he'd ever be in James' position, because he was a lot more careful about birth control and who and what he shagged. He supposed it was different when you were married or in love, but that didn't seem to apply right now. He squashed down the irritation at it and tried to focus. He could handle purist talk; he'd handled it all his life and he knew how to tune it out. "I was jealous. Still am, actually. Possessive prat, me, but you knew that when you took me on almost nine years ago." He put his hand up at the grass and pushed him playfully, "But we make do with what we have, don't we? It might be a fucking mess, but it's our life. Right?" James responded to the push with a shove of his own. "Well, you've got nothing to be jealous about now," James said, not sounding too put out about it. "Not till they line me up some pretty little wifey to knock up and ignore," he teased. "I'm glad you came though. I knew if we could just talk you'd at least see that I hadn't changed as much as I'm letting on. I've changed but I'm still me," he said. "No one's getting into this hard head of mine," he insisted, "and if they try I'll give them hell for it." He glanced up at the house. "Did you bring Dad's cloak?" James asked. "Uncle Charlus doesn't know jack shit about it, believe it or not. Grandpa didn't give it to dad till his wedding day, and by then dad and Uncle C had already fallen out," he explained. "I told him that it was sentimental to me because it was all I had left of dad and he didn't seem to care one way or the other if you brought it to me," he said. "It'll be a relief knowing I've got a way out if I absolutely need one," he said. "I doubt I will but you can never be too careful." Sirius winced at the mention of the wife; he couldn't help it, not really. It was too close to his own issues for him not to take it all a bit personally. "You can't blame me, James. You were pretty shitty about things I care about. I realise you couldn't ward 'em, but that didn't make it hurt any less." And he'd be accepting his vagina ASAP, apparently. "I have it," He told him but fixed him with a look, "But you have to promise me you aren't going to do anything offensive with it. You know exactly what I mean, because I am trusting you when I probably shouldn't, because every time I trust purists," He attempted to not sound as if he was spitting the word, with some limited success, "It tends to go badly for me and them. All I want is your word and that you can't mention you have it back or you're going to get me in trouble. Okay?" "I had hoped of all people you'd realize why I was being shitty," James sighed. "But I get that you had no way of knowing what it was they'd done to me," he admitted after a beat. "S'not your fault that I'm damn good at carrying things overboard when I need to." As Sirius got to the next part though, it was James's turn to get his feelings stung. "I'm not--" James began to object, but it was useless. The word purist was ugly when Sirius said it like that. "I'm not going to do anything offensive," he said. "You know why I need it, and I wouldn't lie to you. Have I lied to you about anything else?" he half-demanded. "No. I've been completely honest with you." James was shit at hiding when Sirius bruised his ego, and it was coming through in his defensiveness. "I won't say a word to anyone. It'd only get me in trouble for having it if it came out and then they'd take it from me and I doubt I'd ever see it again," he pointed out. "I know you wouldn't, but other people will not understand. This is about some self preservation; I'm hoping you want me around enough that you can go along with that." Sirius saw him recoil and sighed. This was definitely not going to be easy while they were both treading on tenterhooks. "You know I don't say it to hurt you. Any of it. I know you're not lying and I'll be upfront with you, that scares me half to death but it's you and I can adjust. I'm good at adjusting, when it's you." That was true, at the very least. He had no idea if it would work. A part of him wanted to prod and ask a thousand questions but it wouldn't make a difference, in the end. There was such a finality about these days, about these times. "I've always trusted you with my life. M'not going to stop now." It was about the only thing he could make sense of these days. "I would never do anything that would get you in trouble or put you in danger," James said, so seriously that it couldn't be anything but true. "They'd have to kill me first." James watched as Sirius took the shrunken cloak out of his pocket and as soon as he had a hold of it he stashed it quickly away. There was no denying the relief he felt to have it in his possession again. "Don't get yourself in any trouble over this," James said, giving Sirius a wry smile. "If Moony or Lily figure out you don't have it tell them you left it turned inside out somewhere and now you can't find the damn thing," he teased. James assumed it was only Remus and Lily who knew that Sirius had the cloak. He'd worked hard to keep it a secret from anyone else still living. Which reminded him... "Is Marly really dead?" James asked. The sky was getting dark and it fit the solemness of his question. He hadn't even meant to ask it but it just came out. "I won't," Sirius reassured him with the same smile back at him. He hated not telling him, but in the case of someone else getting a hold of that cloak, the Order had to know. It wasn't that he didn't trust him, he just had to take precautions against what may have happened to his best friend and what could haooeb to his possessions. "I'll do my best to avoid anyone knowing or bringing it up, but...sooner or later, Remus'll want it, I know he will." The question did take him unawares and he frowned lightly, "You think I'd lie about something like that? It's Marlene, of course she'd dead." He didn't like the way the last word crackled on his tongue but it wasn't an easy subject to talk about. He doubted it ever would be. He could hear the snappishness in his tone and sighed, "Sorry, I don't mean to jump down your throat. Raw question." "You can't trust him," was James's instant response. "Tell him-- tell him you gave it to my mum if you have to," James said. "No one could fault you for that. Just-- don't make him angry with you or anything." James was being evasive. Any time he tried to think about these things his head hurt and the whole situation surrounding it filled his brain with confusion. It was easier to focus on Marlene even if he'd clearly hit a nerve. "I wasn't sure," James admitted. "She was in on things," he said quietly. "You know I loved her," he added. "You know that. I thought of her like the sister I never had. If we'd had room for a fifth Marauder I'd've made her one." This was painful for James. He'd truly held on to hope that she might not be dead. That this was all part of the elaborate scheme that had set him up and there was hope for rehabilitating her. But he knew that Sirius wasn't lying. The finality in his voice told him everything he needed to know. The lights in the house flickered and James looked up. "That's Uncle Charlus's way of telling me it's time to come in," James said quietly. "I can walk you out though." "Remus? I know you guys are fighting but you'll work it out. Like you said, time and all. Besides, someone'd ask your mum if I say that." Sirius didn't want to mention missing her either, because frankly, at this point, he didn't really want to see her. Things were too tough as it was. "We'd never have had a girl in the Marauders." In on it? In on it? In on what? "What is she meant to be on, James? What would she be in on that I wouldn't? It was Marlene." He hated that it sounded that whiny, that defeatist but sometimes if you couldn't be honest with your best friend, who could you be honest with? He looked up at the house. That was conveinient, wasn't it? He didn't want to aggravate things, not right now anyway. "Shouldn't let people treat you like a kid, you know." He prodded lightly, but stood up and brushed himself off. James knew what he had gotten himself into and he was here anyway. He knew he was in the company of murderers and psychopaths who would kill a baby and still, he stayed. There wasn't anything he could say to him right now, was there? He could scream at him and tell him everything he'd been holding back this afternoon, but what would it do? Probably nothing. He forced a smile instead, "If you see Peter, say hello for me, won't you?" James heard Sirius's questions but there wasn't time to answer them now. A house elf appeared at the door and James gave it a nod as he helped himself up. "It's gonna take me awhile to earn back all the trust I lost with them," James said. "And Uncle Charlus really does seem to have my best interests in mind." He hated this. A goodbye. He should never be saying goodbye to Sirius. He walked him silently around the house to the front walk where he could leave him safely. He pulled Sirius into a tight hug as his uncle appeared at the front door. "Don't trust anyone," he whispered into his ear before letting him go. |