sirius black -- eventually, even stars burn out (seirios) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2009-07-08 23:23:00 |
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His entire life, Sirius had been being to told think before acted, to stop what he was doing to consider consequences and now all he wanted to do was not think because he was pretty sure, if he did, his mind was going to explode. Don't think. He was being borderline reclusive. Fuck borderline, he knew he was being reclusive but admitting it where it could be seen was harder. He couldn't talk to Remus about this, because he'd gone through too much and seen too much. James was...indisposed. He couldn't imagine bringing this to Lily or Peter anyway. He didn't even want to talk about it, not really. Fuck, why would he? But everything was such a mess now and there seemed no clear way forwards for any of them. Temperance shimmied up onto his lap and he began to slowly stroke his ears. It was obscene, all of it. That if this situation kept up, James would never do this with his kid. That was the part that made him sick. He couldn't sit down and collect those thoughts. They were ridiculous thoughts. He was almost sure he was dreaming. "I don't get it, shortie." He told him, giving him a good scragging behind the ears. "How did things get so crazy?" It started last July. They'd been angry with each other and he had risked everything to see his brother and his father had died and there were bodies showing up and that was when hell had started. "I don't regret it. Have a lot of regrets since but I got to say goodbye, to everything that had been such a huge fucking part of me for so long." It was so stupid to even think about now. "It's not like I'm crazy about the idea of dying, pretty scared of it, actually," He swallowed in a huge gulp and blew out a breath. He's been holed up with books and notes for too long, but the idea of a fight was frightening and that in itself was vulgar. Fighting is what he did best. It was a third of his school career. He used to be good at scaring people. Intimidation, manipulation and the like were parts of his life so why couldn't he understand this? Why did it make him sick to the stomach? Probably because it was James. Fucking James. "It's sick that the one person I could talk to about this is the same person I need to talk about," He moved the dog off him, going to the window to inspect the light summer shower, "He's my best friend and I'm lost without him and I'm not really without him, am I? He's still there, in there, somewhere, I have to believe that or this, this whole fucking WAR has been worth shit, because all it's done is make people leave or die or get fucked and I'm not questioning whats right or wrong, I just want to know how many people would still be alive if this stupid thing had ended a year ago. Weshould've slaughtered them, hung 'em up for all to see like they used to." Sirius slammed a hand against the pane and gave a silent thanks the glass held. "I'm so fed up of this." He looked back at the dog, to find it with it's paws at it's ears. It would be comedic if it wasn't so fitting. "I know I'm whinging and that I shouldn't. All I've lost are things I never really had. I hadn't had a brother for a long time. The girls, the cousins, did I ever have that? Never fucking had parents,that'd for sure. Agnes, Marlene, Dedalus , so many more names I could list but there were never really my losses, were they? I don't have a right to whine about it. I should be there for them and I can't even do that. Feeling sorry for myself is gonna do jack shit about it all, isn't it? Listen to me, I'm sounding like a bloodyWelshman. Need to spend less time Jones." He gave a sigh and flopped himself onto the floor next to the dog again, "Well, you know Lily's pregnant now and it was supposed to be this amazing thing and James is just--" He stomped his foot angrily, "Merlin's fucking sake, I need to stop this moping about and get off my high horse and do something. I hate how paralytic this has made me. Like a lost child or something." He looked down, something clouding his own features, "It's not strictly true though, is it?" He was momentarily distracted the the other sounds of the safe house, reminding him that not much about all this was private. Even airing concerns to a dog when you can't air them to your friends because you're too afraid of hurting them. "It was easier when I didn't care. When I could just say something and not give a damn. How come I give a damn now?" In answer, there was nothing but a whine and a roll over, a clear indication of 'stop whining and give me a belly rub'. It was a nice distraction at least. "That's what it boils down to. All this is a distraction because the options are so limited that taking a child from it's mother, it's mother that cares, seems like a viable option." He looked down at the wriggly dog, "I said that yourGrandmum once. That at the end of all this, I don't know who we were going to be. That we probably wouldn't be good people. Now I'm just wondering if we'll be people at all." Sirius pushed Temperance off him gently and got up, "Thanks for listening and all, Temps, but I think I gotta go...do that distraction thing. This baring your soul, even it's to the wet nosed sort of friend, is a bit too much these days." He sighed and decided to go help out with some research or check on Remus. After all, as long as he didn't have to think about it all, it didn't matter. |