remus lupin is finally at peace. (moonstricken) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2009-05-11 22:42:00 |
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It had been a few days since they had been kidnapped -- a few days since the full moon, even -- but they were both still healing. Even after he'd woken up, Remus had become withdrawn and quiet, and he was back to his usual habit of not eating well. He hadn't been able to use his right hand properly ever since it had been stabbed through, too painful to close into a fist, and it was often trembling too much to hold steady. The silver scars would always be there -- thin stripes all along his arms and legs, and few around his waist where his shirt had ridden up while he had tried to struggle in the chair he'd been tied up in. The burns on his legs were healing well and, thankfully, wouldn't be permanently damaged. However, Remus has been plagued by nightmares ever since, and was struggling with his own inner battle. He couldn't forget that he almost killed Marlene himself. It didn't matter that Marius and Pryce had tried to trap them together -- if he wasn't a werewolf, then... it wouldn't have happened. It was all he could think about, all his dreams were about, and it was how Remus found himself now, downstairs in the kitchen in the middle of the night, fixing himself a cup of tea. He couldn't sleep, and he couldn't stay in the room and watch Marlene having nightmares of her own. He knew what they were about and he couldn't even bring himself to wake her. When the tea was ready, he pulled down a cup for himself and carefully poured the tea in, steam rising as he set the kettle back down. He hoped the warmth would help him fall back to sleep, but he doubted it would. Remus picked the cup up, but it slipped out of his hand as he began to move toward the table -- and it shattered into pieces on the floor. He sighed with frustration, tired of things in his life always breaking, always being ruined. He took out his new wand and, with his left hand, carefully attempted to repair the shattered cup, and although most of the pieces joined back together, there were still several cracks and a few shards that remained on the floor. Marlene's nightmares rarely occurred back in the basement. She was glad for that, in a way; she didn't need any more reminders of what had happened than necessary. Them taking place in other locations, though, made things feel more real, like they were happening again. She woke up after tossing and turning after nightmares of being chased by werewolves down the passages hidden inside Hogwarts's walls, running into dead ends and only seconds from being pounced when she awoke with a start, gasping and sitting straight up in bed, breathing hard. She was silent for a few moments before collapsing back against the pillows. How much longer was this going to go on? She tried to think back to the previous July, when Marius had kidnapped her the first time, and the nightmares that had followed that. These were different though. Being afraid of Marius came naturally, and with more than enough reason. It was devastating to be so completely terrified of something that Remus could turn into in her sleep, and to be in love with him when she was awake. Pulling the blankets high up around her, Marlene rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, wishing that the Order hadn't completely exhausted their supply of Dreamless Sleep potion during their stay at Hogwarts. She'd been moments from drifting off again when she heard something shatter in the kitchen, which sent her hand immediately flying to the wand laying on her bedside table. She glanced across the room to the makeshift bed that Remus had been sleeping in, and felt her stomach drop hard upon realising that it was empty. Her feet were on the floor and she was shuffling out of the room as quietly as possible immediately, her wand leading her way through the hall. Marlene stopped in the doorway, though, when she realised it was just Remus shuffling through the kitchen, and that one of the glasses had smashed. She waited silently against the wall, staying silent and hugging her arms to herself while he cleaned up the pieces, not wanting to say anything and startle him into re-breaking the cup. Once the mug was safely returned to the tabletop, Marlene moved into the kitchen, getting herself a cup of her own out of the rack that held the dried dishes. "You're up early too," she mused. Remus attempted to repair the mug a second time, and the remaining cracks and pieces filled in so that the cup looked like it did before. "Yes. I couldn't sleep. I hope I didn't wake you," he said, taking the kettle and refilling his mug, and then pouring some tea into Marlene's cup as well. He then pointed his wand at the floor again, cleaning up the remaining spilled tea -- at least that spell worked. He wasn't used to the new wand, yet, and having to cast spells with his left hand was more difficult than he thought it would be. He picked up his mug with his left hand, this time -- a more sturdy and firm grip -- and looked a little unsure as to what he should do next. Go back up to the bedroom? Stay down here? Did Marlene want him to stay there with her? Did he want to stay there with her? Remus decided to default to politeness, and he moved to the table, a hand resting on the chair but not pulling it out. "Do you want to go sit out on the sofa?" he asked, not really feeling like having to sit in a chair right now. He hadn't looked at her, yet, not really -- avoiding her eyes out of the heavy guilt that weighed him down, sparing only small glances to acknowledge her presence in the room, at least. While Remus had been doing everything in his power to avoid Marlene's eye, Marlene couldn't stop sending glances in his direction, quietly afraid that if she looked away for an instant, he'd be gone. She hated feeling like she was this dependent on a single person, but she'd lost so much that she was almost positive that she wouldn't be strong enough to handle it if Remus did leave. Constantly watching him made it very clear to Marlene, though, that Remus seemed to want to be anywhere other than where she was, as his attempts to avoid looking at her were not exactly subtle. She wanted Alice to be right. She wanted to believe that Remus would never just pack up and leave her after the number that Pryce had done to her, and while Marlene was certain that he wouldn't for that reason, it had been difficult enough to convince Remus that he wasn't dangerous before any of this had happened. Now that he'd almost been responsible for her death, Marlene wasn't sure if he'd be willing to listen. "Yeah. Sofa would definitely be more comfortable," she nodded, resting her wand behind her ear and carefully picking up her cup to relocate into the other room. Curling up on the couch, she rested her mug down on the arm of the sofa carefully as she pulled her legs up under her, wanting to assure that there was more than enough room for Remus to sit down. "You didn't wake me. I was just up." He considered, briefly, sitting in another seat, but Remus joined Marlene on the sofa on the opposite end. He felt awkward, and a little trapped, and he hated feeling that way because it wasn't as if he didn't want to be with her -- he really, really did -- but after what happened, would that be the responsible thing? He felt guilty, too, because he had just been so grateful just days ago for all the memories he and Marlene had created together, only to now wonder what it might have been like if he'd never fooled himself into thinking he could be safe at all. Maybe he'd have been living alone somewhere, now, away from anyone and everyone he could hurt. The silence was going on for too long, and Remus took a sip of his tea as he tried to think of something to say so they didn't have to just sit there staring at the walls (or, at least, that's what Remus had originally planned to do). "How are you feeling?" "Better. Lots better," she replied, even though it wasn't entirely true. She was still extraordinarily sore, and her right arm especially was still painfully mangled, but the burns were almost healed and nearly all her injuries that hadn't sprung from dark magic were close to being cleared up. There was no reason to be overdramatic, though, she figured -- not when it was already this awkward just to talk to Remus. She hated that it felt that way. "What about you?" she asked, stirring her tea, stirring it in one direction for a few moments before switching directions and moving her spoon the opposite way against the tea tide. "You look a lot better, at least. Maybe we can go back to just having the one bed soon, yeah?" He was staring down into his tea, and his eyes drifted to gaze at the ring on his finger, a symbol of the vows he'd exchanged with Marlene when they were getting married. He'd promised to protect her, and he'd failed so many times. The officiant had said that love, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness could make any situation right. But how could it fix this? How could any of those things change the fact that he is a monster? That he nearly killed her? They couldn't. "Maybe," he replied, dismissively, to her suggestion about going back to just one bed. "I'm glad you're feeling better. My injuries are nearly healed as much as they will be, I think. Just, my hand -- well, hopefully it won't be permanent. It hasn't been that long." He flexed his right hand, trying to make a fist, and while his hand closed he could tell it was still weak, fingertips only lightly brushing against his palm. "Do you want to go back home, soon?" "We should get Hestia to look at it. I'm sure it'll get better, but maybe she'll know some way to speed the process up some." Marlene was thankful -- if a person could be thankful about someone getting stabbed -- that it hadn't been a silver knife. She supposed that would've ruined all of Marius and Tabitha's "careful" and "creative" planning, though. It made sense that Remus was healing faster than she was. He always did. Apparently him being a werewolf did have its perks. "Yeah, I do. I feel guilty enough as it is for invading James and Lily's place as much as we do. We've got that amazing house now and I don't think we've been able to live there straight through for more than a week yet. My plants are going to be so pissed off at me when I get back in there," she babbled, filling the silence with trivial conversation, hoping to distract Remus from falling into his thoughts and dwelling as he tended to do. She paused to take a sip of her tea, and that old nagging thought that kept swirling around in her head began to echo in her head again. She set the tea cup down and turned to look at Remus, trying to catch his eye and break the staring contest he seemed to be having with his drink. "Do you?" Remus nodded in agreement; he'd write to Hestia tomorrow to see if she had some free time to take a look. When she asked him if he wanted to go back home, he was half tempted to say no, but he held back. It wasn't as if he had anywhere else to go, and Marlene was right; they had been taking advantage of James and Lily's hospitality too often, and if they were well enough to be on their own back in their own house, it was the least they could do. He'd seen her turn toward him, but he just glanced at her, only to look away again and covering it up by taking another sip of his tea. "Alright," he said, not really answering the question so much as he was just agreeing to go back with her. "It might be better if I sleep on the sofa for a little while, though. Just -- the nightmares, I don't want to keep you awake." Or accidentally hurt you. He still couldn't look at her. A half-second glance didn't count. "No; you're not sleeping on the couch," Marlene pressed, trying to not let it show too vividly in her tone that she felt as though she had just been kicked in the gut. "It's alright. You won't keep me awake; you know that I always fall back asleep in like, three minutes anyway." She tried to swallow the desperation in her voice. What if he actually left? What if he wanted to get a divorce? "And I'll sleep better if you're there." As long as it wasn't the night of the full, it wouldn't be a problem. Marlene had every intention of not being anywhere NEAR where Remus was during the approaching full again any time soon, even if Damocles's wolfsbane potion managed to work. "You won't get a full night's rest if you're constantly woken up during the night, no matter how quickly you can fall back asleep," he pointed out. "I'll be fine on the sofa. I could just transfigure it into a bed during the night, even. And I'll just be right in the other room if you need me for anything. Once we get some more Dreamless Sleep potions, I can sleep on the bed with you again," Remus said, wondering if he'd be able to think of another excuse during that time... Merlin, he was trying to think of excuses not to sleep in the same bed as his wife. He really did only know how to destroy things. Right. So he only wanted to be around her if he could force away any possibility of waking up in the middle of the night and realising that he was sleeping next to her. That was just fantastic. Marlene realised that she was being irrational and juvenile and that Remus's hesitancy likely had nothing to do with what she looked like now, but all she could think of were Pryce's comments that the scars she'd left behind would be there permanently, and that Remus didn't want to look at her. She looked away for a moment, finishing her tea in one long, strong gulp, not wanting him to see her face crumpling up on the verge of tears. "You know, if you don't want to be around me any more you could just say so instead of making excuses," she said, her voice low and sad as she briskly got to her feet and moved around the couch, heading back into the kitchen with her empty cup in hand. ... and this is what he wanted, wasn't it? It was so painful, and Remus wasn't sure if he should actually get up to go after her or not, to deny that he didn't want to be around her anymore -- because he did want to be with her... but she would be safer, this way, wouldn't she? She would be safer, one less danger removed from her life, and even if it hurt both of them they would still survive through it. Even so, he still suddenly found himself standing up, but he wasn't moving to follow her -- just standing there with his mostly full cup of tea that was quickly becoming cold. He needed some time to think. Just... he needed to organise his thoughts, just for a little while, and maybe then he could try talking to her again when he could be honest with her, instead of insulting her by making up excuses. She didn't deserve that kind of treatment. He looked down at the mug in his hand again, and he noticed a chip in the handle of it that hadn't been repaired properly when he's dropped it earlier -- and in his frustration at being completely unable to fix anything he felt the urge to throw the whole thing at the wall and just leave it destroyed, but he stopped himself, setting the mug down on an end table. He didn't follow her into the kitchen, but instead made his way back up to the bedroom they were sharing, uttering nothing more than a 'goodnight' before he'd left the room. Marlene had been expecting Remus to follow her. Even if he hadn't wanted to, she had been relying on he fact that he was nice to put herself at ease. He would stay with her even if he didn't want to. Hell, Remus had knowingly walked into a trap to try to save her. He wouldn't leave her, not after everything they'd been through. ...But then he didn't come. Five minutes passed, then ten. Marlene sat alone at the kitchen table staring into her empty cup, tracing her finger around the rim while she waited, and waited, and waited. He wasn't coming. Marlene stood up slowly, leaving the tea cup on the table and pushed in her chair before moving back towards the room they'd been sitting in, an apology for being overdramatic already forming. Remus wasn't there either. The room was completely empty. Marlene felt as though someone had just ripped out her heart and smashed it against the wall into tinier pieces than the tea cup had been in earlier that night. He couldn't have actually left; she would've heard the apparation pop. He'd made his thoughts very very clear, though. Marlene pulled a flannel blanket off the back of the couch and curled up on the sofa, hugging the blanket tightly rather than covering up with it as she stared blankly into space, regretting that she'd even gotten out of bed. |