Severus Snape is tired of the lies. (fortiscadere) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-12-01 12:48:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | ! [1979-12] december, severus snape |
RP Log: Severus Snape & Albus Dumbledore
Who: Albus Dumbledore & Severus Snape
When: 1 December 1979, at 1 in the afternoon.
Where: Hogwarts, Headmaster's Office
What: Severus meets with Albus Dumbledore. Will he survive!?
Rating: Low
Status: COMPLETE.
Mondays brought with them an entire host of problems that were only the worse for the two day respite preceding them. Albus sat in a high-backed chair behind his desk, long fingers buried in financial papers that needed sorting, prioritising, filing. Even with the school closed, there were professors who needed leave-pay, animals that needed to be fed, voracious plants that needed tending -- it was all quite a mess. Truth be told, Albus was vaguely concerned at the withdrawal of funds from some of the families they'd come to rely on these many years. Oh, there'd been a decent lash back at Chloris Burke's public outburst, but Albus had been sitting in this chair, behind this desk, for long enough to know that people's interest faded. It was the established bloodlines that contributed for generations, and though it bothered him that their motives weren't pure, the usefulness of those contributions were inarguable. So. Parchment. Math. Allotments and re-allotments of funds until he heard Fawkes give a soft noise and knew that someone approached the office. A glance at his pocket watch confirmed a pre-ordained appointment: Severus Snape. Aberforth seemed to think this young man worthwhile, and though Albus had his reasons to doubt his brother's judgement, he didn't doubt that something interesting would come of this meeting, at least. It was with a definite case of nerves that Severus found himself standing once again inside Hogwarts. The last time he had been inside the castle it had been as a student. A young boy of eighteen who had never been so glad to leave a place in his entire life. A young boy naive enough to think that the group he and his friends were joining was going to make a positive difference in his life and in the Wizarding World. He had been more than willing to leave behind the memories of his youth, many of which were less than pleasant, and step out to be a man. And now as he stood outside the Headmaster's office he was more nervous than he'd ever been as a student. The choices he'd made thus far had been less than ideal. He had blood on his hands now. It was just over a year later but he felt ten years wiser. He had time to swallow and look up at the large Gargoyle guarding the office doors before it swung to the side and the door opened in front of him. Severus took a deep breath and waited a few seconds to settle his nerves before he stepped into the office and stood, just inside the door way, waiting to be acknowledged. As Severus entered, Albus returned his quill to its violently purple inkwell and rose, lips curled into a smile that spoke only of politeness, not warmth. Severus looked very much as he remembered, but he could see the lines of stress insinuating beneath his eyes, at the edges of his lips. Even at so young an age, the boy seemed to carry the burdens of two lifetimes - but Albus had very little sympathy to waste on someone who'd chosen his pass and now suffered for it. An aged hand stretched out, gesturing to a chair, and then Albus clasped them behind his back, pausing a moment to regard his phoenix before turning piercing blue eyes upon Severus. "Severus, welcome. May I offer you a refreshment?" Severus half wished that he could just turn around and leave. He really didn't want to be here, and he really didn't want to be talking to his former Headmaster, and looking at Albus Dumbledore right now, he was certain why the Dark Lord feared him. But Severus Snape wasn't a coward and he wasn't a quitter. And if he were going to half a fighting chance of keeping Lily safe and out of harms way, he needed to have information to do so. So he stepped into the office, crossing the distance between the doorway and the chair, and sitting down in it. He was not quite perched on the edge of the chair, but he was certainly tense, and when Dumbledore's eyes met his, it was with some difficulty that he didn't throw up a dozen walls. That wasn't why he was here. He needed Dumbledore to believe him, and him throwing up a hundred walls in his mind was probably not going to be conducive to that. He shook his head before adding a quiet, "no, I'm fine. Thank you." Albus was tempted to simply use legilimency on the boy, but that constituted a violation of ethics that - while he knew could be justified - was not in this particular circumstance. He hovered a moment near Fawkes before returning to his desk and sitting, and from there, peering over the top of his half-moon glasses, Albus fixed upon Severus a stare of blank assessment. "Well, Severus - what message do you bring from Lord Voldemort?" Severus tried rather unsuccessfully not to flinch at the full use of the Dark Lord's name. "No message," he said quickly. "Nothing from him, I'm here because-" he stopped. Aberforth had said to take time and to be certain of what he was saying. He could do that, he thought. So he stopped and looked up at Dumbledore. "I'm here for me; I'm here because I want to join the Order," he said firmly. "Lily-" he looked straight up at the older wizard. "Lily's in danger. I know she's in danger and I want her safe. And I can't do that by myself." He stopped there, holding his tongue. He didn't know how much he wanted to tell the Headmaster. In his experience Albus Dumbledore had not been precisely forgiving, or predisposed to being generous to him, and he wasn't going to give away information about himself without a good reason to do so. Albus's keen stare grew narrower as he considered Severus's words. He had a fair idea what he was talking about - as he was no idiot and, if he dared say so himself, quite excellent at piecing together facts to form a whole picture. However, he had no desire to let a death eater off easily - and he would hear, precisely, what it was that Severus thought put Lily Potter in such serious danger. "I see." His voice was gentle, but only a fool would underestimate Albus Dumbledore based on his kindly demeanour alone. "And what is it, would you say, that puts Lily Potter in any particular danger over the others? Are you sure it is this alone that brings you to my office? Not guilt? Not remorse?" Severus didn't look away, but he took a moment to think through what to say. "I know Lily's in danger because they've asked me questions about her. Because she's been on their lists for months. Because Agnes," his voice hitched slightly and he squared his shoulders determined to see this through. "Because Agnes is dead." There was a finality to the words that he hated. "I don't know if I could have saved her, but if I'd known, I might have-" Guilt? Remorse? Severus frowned, really wanting the questioning to be over, and at the same time being afraid that it had just begun. "I tried to keep Agnes safe," he said softly. "But I didn't know she was involved with anything that would put her in more danger than the normal danger. And I couldn't-" he looked down. Perhaps it was partially guilt. Guilt for being unable to keep her safe, when he had wanted so much to do so. Fear that him working by himself had not been enough to keep Agnes safe and it would not keep Lily so. "I know enough to know what it'll be like if they win. I'm sick of being told who it's okay for me to love and who it isn't. I-" He looked back up. "Agnes was one of the best things that ever happened to me and she's gone because of them. Lily-" his voice hitched. "She's in danger because of them, and I can't lose her too. I can't. I tried to keep Agnes safe by myself and I couldn't. I'm not comfortable with half of the things I'm asked to do, but I'm not stupid enough to think that I can get out, and I'm not cowardly enough to run to the other side of the world. I can help you. I want to join the Order." Dumbledore stared at the other man long and hard, all traces of good-nature wiped free from his grimly set lips, as he considered the situation - as he considered Severus, his resolution, his earnestness. These were dangerous times, and though unsurprised that Severus had learned of the Order by this point, it did not please him. The Order was growing careless, sloppy, and he had been too wrapped up in the details of Hogwarts to handle those problems personally. That would have to change - of this he was certain. Agnes was gone, yes, and it was sad - but so were many others, many more talented witches and wizards. The Prewetts, Mr Fenwick, Edgar -- and still the fight went on and the rut grew only deeper. Severus offered an ample opportunity, and Albus had no compunction in taking it -- however, there was not just the matter of having a useful spy (for it was for this task that he assumed Severus was offering), it was a matter of protecting the identities of the Order. It was a matter of motivation. Keeping Lily safe was, he was sure, a strong desire of Severus's -- the death eaters' stranglehold on him, another -- but how did these hold out against self-preservation? Severus risked a great deal in playing this game, and should Voldemort find out, Albus (unfortunately) had little doubts that most men would save their own skins first and worry about the consequences later. "You realise the difficulties in allowing a death eater to join a force utterly opposed to them, I am sure, so we will not discuss the intricacies of my concerns." He paused, steepling his fingers in front of his mouth and considering Severus's reactions. "I have my doubts, Severus. I believe you have the capacity to do the right thing - I believe that you have never been a champion of the easy road, and for that I respect you - but I cannot put others in danger until my beliefs have been justified by more than an old man's fond memories. The path to trust must be earned." Severus nodded shortly. He was fairly aware of the difficulties, hadn't he gone through some of them himself? Over and over in his head, trying to figure out why he would wish to do something for a group of people that did not like him and had never trusted him? But this wasn't Hogwarts, and he had grown up enough to realise that whatever your personal feelings of the side you might choose to align with, you had to believe in something yourself, enough to actually overlook the idiocy of those who chose likewise. And although he was young and there might be others he'd over looked, he wasn't stupid. He knew as well that Dumbledore had no reason to trust him. He was not such a fool to think that he could walk into the Headmaster's office and be granted instant forgiveness. His life had never worked that way before, and certainly not where Albus Dumbledore had been concerned, so Severus had no reason to think that it might work that way now. He had a hundred questions, and he wasn't certain how to ask them. Was Dumbledore saying yes? Or no? It felt unclear and Severus frowned slightly. "Sir, I know you have no reason to trust me," his mouth felt dry suddenly. He loathed uncertainty. "I want Lily safe, I want to try to," he swallowed. "There is only so much I can do from the outside, and that's why I'm here. And I'll try to do what you need me to so you can trust me." He equally loathed having to put his future in someone else's hands, particularly someone he didn't really like or trust that much. And although he was certain Dumbledore understood how dangerous it could be if this was played wrong, he wasn't certain Albus Dumbledore would actually care other than the loss of information. "Please," he said softly, hating himself for saying it. But he couldn't lose Lily, and if there was someone within the Order who was likely to be able to use the information Severus could provide to keep her safe it would be Albus Dumbledore, and Severus had never been content to deal with middlemen. "While I am not willing to grant you full access to the Order immediately, I am interested to hear what precisely you desire to contribute. What is it you expect to be done for Lily that is not being done already? Surely you could simply ask your master to spare her..." "I have information- I can get information. I'm not in the Inner Circle, but I'm trying, and even without that, you'd know more than you do now and that has to be helpful to you," Severus hesitated. "I'm the highest ranked among the second generation and if I can keep that, it means you'd have access to knowledge before things happen. It might help keep more of your people alive, or allow you to be better prepared." "And I would, I have, I-" he swallowed. "I don't know precisely what more can be done, but I just need to know that everything that can be done is being done. "I believe you." It was a statement that tended to have a profound impact on children - and Albus used it rarely enough that it gave him the impression of being rather all-knowing in that respect. He had a good enough idea about Severus to know that he was likely not lying, and the implication of trust was generally enough to make it a mutual one. A soft sigh, more at himself for being forced to think these things rather than simply believe in the goodness of men, and he leaned forward. "Very well, Severus. You will procure information that is useful to the Order, and you will relay that information to me; I will ensure that it is acted upon in a way that precludes your exposure. You will have to trust me in this, and as you earn my trust, I will consider the risks to the Order that necessarily accompany your membership. I, however, would strongly advise you to tell Lord Voldemort of your plans to 'infiltrate' the Order, or you may find yourself in an extremely uncomfortable situation." Severus looked up at Dumbledore, trying to read him a bit before he said anything further. He knew better than to even attempt his fledgling Legilimency on a wizard of Dumbledore's skill, but after a moment, he realised that all he could do is trust Dumbledore, because he expected some trust in return, and he nodded. "I will do so. In truth, I think he will be pleased at the possibility to get some information himself." Severus looked down, thinking. "I know it has likely occurred to you already, but if my loyalties are to remain unquestioned, I will occasionally have to give him information or he may become suspicious. Based on the questions he has asked me and the things he has requested of me in the past, I don't believe this particular step will be questioned, but a lack of information would be," and here he looked back up at Dumbledore. This was a tightrope that he was willingly putting himself on, and he wondered briefly if he had literally lost his mind. "I may be able to push that off for a bit, but eventually, it will be necessary." Dumbledore held Severus's gaze a moment before leaning slightly back slightly, lips pressing together tightly before he spoke again. "Yes, it has occurred to me." Sacrifices had to be made, and as deeply as he cared for the members of the order who might hurt from this - who'd already hurt from this - perhaps if he was careful he could prevent anyone from being killed. There was a greater good -- and here he cringed away from his own instincts and turned his attentions back upon Severus. "It will be necessary. We will work together to insure that each side has the information necessary for the war to find its path to completion - and to insure the fewest lives are lost." Albus paused, fingers flexing compulsively over parchment. "Terrible crimes have been committed in this war, Severus - and they will continue to be committed. You will have no choice but to refrain from acting to help friends and enemies alike, should the situation warrant it. Is that truly something you are prepared to commit to?" Severus was silent for a moment. He'd had this conversation with Abe. It had been thrown at him during the battle at Hogwarts when he'd ended up face to face with Agnes, and had tried and failed, to be able to keep her safe. He wasn't certain who he cared about any more: Lily & Abe. Two people whom he felt he might fall to pieces without. As much as he was uncomfortable with the small number of people he truly cared for, he knew it was the truth. And at this point, it was, perhaps, much easier for him to make this commitment. "I don't have that many friends," he said finally. "I don't want to see people die, but I understand there may be points where my hands are tied and I can't do anything," he shook his head, letting out a shaky breath as he looked up at Dumbledore. "There are times I've already been there. At least with this, I'll hopefully be able to do some good." The good he'd be able to do, was no doubt somewhat relative, he thought, as he pressed his lips together. "Do not think it is an easy matter to condemn one's enemies to death, either, Severus. To stand aside while another suffers - I am sure you are aware of how difficult it is, if Ms O'Hare's vocal exclamations were any indication of your part in her wounding." Albus's expression softened slightly. "It is that good which you must consider, Severus. To ask you to be apathetic would be foolish - but you must believe that good will come of your actions. Lord Voldemort's victory would mean the death and suffering of countless hundreds. Our sacrifices will be difficult but meaningful. If you can accept that, I believe you will play a role in ending this war, and I am willing to help you play that role." With a cant of his chin, Albus then waited to see if Severus had anything further he wished to expound upon. Otherwise, they would arrange another meeting, and see how things went from there. There was true regret in Severus' eyes as Agnes was mentioned. He hated what he'd done to her and he hated how it had torn them apart. He simply nodded though. He had no desire to go into those regrets with Albus Dumbledore. He had already done so with Aberforth, and it was not why he was here today. "Sir, I do have one other request, perhaps." He looked back up. "This summer I've spent time learning Legilimency and Occlumency both, although at the moment it is the Occlumency that I have ended up most thankful for considering..." he waved a hand vaguely. "And I can block, and feel fairly comfortable doing so, but if I'm understanding the magic correctly, one can genuinely mislead or lie, if one is skilled enough. And it is a skill I feel might be useful." Albus was silent for a long moment and stared at his companion with a shrewdness that most would have found surprising. If he was going to be completely honest, he didn't want to teach Severus anything that could be used against him; though he had rare occasion to use it, legilimency was a skill he prized for the very reasons Severus desired to block it. Still, this was about greater things than Albus Dumbledore's ego, and it was about greater things than Severus Snape's mental privacy. "I will be happy to aid you in that endeavour." It was strange how the shrewd nature and the kindly lilt of his voice could juxtapose so intimately. "Thank you," Severus said, mostly genuinely. He didn't particularly desire Albus Dumbledore in his mind any more than he had desired Bellatrix Lestrange in his head, but at this point he thought the former was less dangerous than the latter. He knew too that if he could not mislead or lie with his thoughts as well as with his tongue, he wouldn't last long, and he was certain Albus Dumbledore was shrewd enough to realise the same. "Then, right now, what do you wish me to do?" "Return to your master and beguile him," Albus replied simply. "Contact me when you have something of importance to discuss, and I shall contact you when we are to have our first lesson." Severus nodded and stood to leave. The "beguiling his master" was not something he was particularly looking forward to, but it would have to be done because Dumbledore was right. He had to tell the Dark Lord what he was doing, or there would be no way he could maintain his favoured position. "Thank you sir, and I will wait for further contact then." Severus turned and upon reaching the office door looked back. All things considered, the meeting had gone as well as he could have hoped, and he was living to leave on his own two legs. "Good afternoon, Headmaster." |