Marlene Lupin is plotting her revenge (on_the_wall) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-10-17 20:35:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1979-10] october, marlene lupin (née mckinnon) |
Who: Marlene McKinnon
What: Marlene goes to visit her brother on his birthday
When: 17 October 1979.
Where: A spot on the water in Fife.
Status: Complete
Rating: D for depressing, probably
She'd been in the check-out queue at the grocery store, two packages of ice cream (one for Remus, one that she'd probably owe Sirius) and a bottle of wine (for herself), when she remembered. Or, at least, that's when the calendar hanging on the wall behind the cashier reminded her, the black Xs across the dates leading up to the 17th jarring her out of her thoughts and into the cold realisation that she'd forgotten. It was the 17th of October. It was her brother's birthday -- or, at least, it was supposed to be. And she'd forgotten. Between the undercover job with Smith at the Prophet, and everything that had happened with Remus over the last few days, and the puppies, and the masquerade, and getting engaged, she'd completely and totally forgotten.
Marlene went through the motions of paying for her things, walking away with her plastic bag and out the door without getting her change back from the cashier. Part of her felt slightly justified in having not remembered (forgotten, ignored, repressed) the fact. Normally as soon as October rolled around, Harlan had made sure that everyone remembered there were only 17 more days until the best day of the year, and he hadn't been around this year to do that. The rest of her felt sick that she couldn't remember something like this with the reminder going. She didn't want to forget these things. It was pointless, in a way, and would only serve to upset her -- as if forgetting hadn't -- but she needed to remember these things: the dates of their birthdays, what their favourite colours had been, the stupid things that had happened at family Christmas parties. If she didn't remember, who else would?
She hadn't been to visit her parents graves, not since the actual funeral. She couldn't bring herself to go yet. There was a finality in walking up to a rock with her parents' names chiselled into it that Marlene wasn't ready to face. Death Eaters and werewolves and fancy dresses with high heels, yes, but not that stupid rock and a mound in the ground. Her brother had actually left instructions, though -- she supposed that the attack that had left him in a wheelchair scared him into thinking about those sorts of things -- about cremation and where he wanted to be scattered and not to even think about leaving him up on the mantle in a jar because that was creepy. And once she was around the corner and out of the sight of any potentially passing muggles, rather than heading home, that's where Marlene apparated off to instead.
She hadn't taken into account just how cold it would be on the water in Fife in mid-October compared to August, especially now that the sun was beginning to set. Hopefully Remus had fallen back asleep and wouldn't realise that she'd been gone as long as she had, and that it was beginning to get dark out. This was something that she needed to do.
Leaving the grocery bag sitting on a higher rock where the waves wouldn't hit it and stashing her shoes and socks in the same manner, Marlene rolled up the bottoms of her jeans up to her knees and wandered slowly into the water. Three seconds later it hit her as to just how cold the water in Scotland could be this time of year at this time of day, and concluded that maybe this hadn't been the best plan. Pulling herself up onto one of the larger rocks that rose out above the waves to sit, Marlene sat there quietly for a few minutes, hugging her legs into herself, just listening to the sounds of the water smacking into the rocks and watching the sky change colours.
"I, uh," Marlene finally spoke, her voice feeling unnaturally loud amongst the quiet andfeeling a little silly for talking to herself. It was probably a good thing there was no one else around; they'd think she was out of her mind. "I... Happy birthday, Harlan. I brought you a present." It was on accident; she just happened to have been wearing the jacket out that she'd had with her in Amsterdam. At least it was something. One hand pulled out a joint that she'd still had with her from their excursion to the coffee shop, the other brought out her wand. "Yeah, hash, I know. I thought you might enjoy it, though. Agnes liked this kind." She paused. "I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to talk to, since there's not really a g-... an uh, gravestone for you like there is for mum and dad. I need something to look at."
A few more seconds passed, and Marlene decided on one of the smaller stones jutting out of the water near the one she was sitting on. "Looks like it's gonna be this one," she smiled weakly, hopping off of her seat, her feet splashing into the freezing lake. "It's weird-shaped; I think you'd like that" she continued explaining as she approached it, lighting the end of the joint with her wand and placing it on top of the rock, watching it burn momentarily before the cold hit her again and she was back on her perch.
"I'm sorry I forgot it was your birthday. And I'm sorry it took me so long to come visit. ...I'm sorry it's my fault you're... that everything happened," she said quietly, not realising that she was having a hard time even making eye contact with a rock as she did so. "And I know what you'd say: "Shut up Leeny, it's not your fault, it's their fault,"... but it's not. If I'd just learned to shut up then you'd be here to tell me those stupid lies, but you're not." The silence seemed particularly loud to Marlene right at that moment. Fitting.
"It's getting bad down here, Har. Really really bad. I'm not sure if anything we're trying is helping, and I'm tired. We're all tired, and every time we think we get anywhere, something blows up and it gets 10 times worse. ...I'm scared we're going to lose, and I don't know what's going to happen if that happens. I'm not going to give up, but like... I don't want to die either."
Another pause. "Well that's bitchy of me, talking about how I don't want to die to you." The wind seemed to pick up more, and the joint she'd left sitting on the other rock rolled down the side and into the water, the waves washing it away and out of sight. Marlene hugged her knees tighter, pulling her hands up into her sleeves to help block out the evening air.
"I'm getting married," she said softly, her voice cracking a little on the end of the sentence. She glanced down at the engagement ring on her finger, spinning it lightly with her thumb a few times before flashing it at the rock she was talking to, wiggling her fingers a bit and laughing against the tears that wanted to fall. "See? Proof and everything," Marlene snickered. "To Remus," she clarified. Maybe he'd forgotten they'd just started to date, what with all the dying Harlan had done in the meantime. "I was afraid he was joking at first, actually. Why would anyone want to marry me, with my mouth, and my scraped knees, and my ugly mauled up shoulder, right? But he does.
"I'm sorry you can't be here for it. I wish you could be, more than anything, or that I could TELL you and have you ACTUALLY know instead of this fucking rock." She sighed, letting her feet fall into the water and her hair fall into her face, grazing over her shoulders. "I miss you so much, all of you. It's been worse lately. I'm not sure why."
Marlene fell quiet again, the last of the pink and purple and orange sky fading into blackness, the less-than-full moon glowing over the water. She swiped a stone off the bottom of the lake and pitched it as hard as she could into its reflection, glaring at the moon's image in the water as it rippled apart and then back together as the water stilled. "I think he thinks I'm disappointed that he doesn't want to have kids. And I'm not; I get that, and hell, we're in the middle of a war. I'm not bringing a kid into this when we can't even keep the people who can defend themselves alive. I just want to be with him. I feel safe with him. And he puts up with me, which, hell, always a good sign, right?"
Noticing that the light had completely gone from the sky besides the irritating greenish hue cast from the moon, Marlene moved off the rock again, standing barefoot in the water. "But if he ever changes his mind, and if we have a boy, I want to name him after you. At least his middle name," she said, crossing her arms across her chest as she tried to stop shaking, not sure if it was from the cold or something annoyingly connected to her irritating emotions. "This is dumb; I'm talking to a fucking rock. I should probably go anyway; they're going to think I got kidnapped or something. Again," she laughed sardonically, bitter at the truth in it, that they lived in a world now where that was entirely possible. She moved slowly back to the rock her shoes were stored on, her feet practically numb to the cold at this point. "Thanks for listening, and uh. Have a good night. Love you," she said goodbye -- to the rock, at least, as she still wasn't ready to let go of her brother -- and tossed her shoes and socks into the bag with the wine and the ice cream before apparating back to the flat. She'd figure out how to explain why she was barefoot later.