Agnes O'Hare (her royal HIGHness) (saintagnes) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-09-19 21:20:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1979-09] september, aberforth dumbledore, agnes o'hare |
Who: Abe & Agnes
What: Agnes is irritated
Where: Abe's place
When: 19 September, night
Rating: PG
Status: Complete
The week seemed to be getting worse, but Agnes had one more thing to do before she could feel any sense of completion, of closure - though she doubted very much that she'd be getting any more from Aberforth than she had from Moody. She just couldn't reconcile it. Not that Severus was a death eater - that was horrifying in its own right because she hadn't felt it when she was around him - because though unexpected, it was cliche in its own right; not that Severus was now a double agent - maybe it was some vague form of redemption, however much she hated him for thinking that could make it alright; but that two people she'd considered close friends had let her go on believing that she and Severus were friends knowing he was a death eater. She could have been killed by him on any number of their 'dates' - and yet they said nothing. She couldn't fathom it.
So now she knocked quietly on Aberforth's door. Agnes wasn't sure what she wanted, but he was damn well going to tell her to her face why the hell he hadn't bothered to warn her.
Aberforth was quite enjoying having his room to himself again. Not that he didn't appreciate all the help Marcus, Aknot and Rhisiart were providing but for a man who lived a largely solitary life, it was a bit... overwhelming. He did however fully intend to be upright and back at work tomorrow, no matter what. He'd let Marcus and Aknot hover and do some of the work but he was feeling a great deal better and he needed to back at work and not feeling useless.
He'd also been relieved to have the meeting with Severus. The young man had taken a beating during and after the little contretemps at Hogwarts and yes, he'd been angry that Severus hadn't given him even some oblique warning of what was going to happen but they'd ironed that out. It wasn't entirely Severus' fault. The young man was new to the spying business and it wasn't unusual they he wouldn't think of giving an oblique warning when an outright warning was impossible. Just another bump on the road that they'd sort out.
He looked up from his book when the quiet knock came at the door. "Come in!" he called, setting the book aside.
It was a lot harder to be angry at Abe when he was sitting in bed looking like an innocent old man, and Agnes's expression eased a bit as she slipped through the door, feeling suddenly very small in his presence. She cared about him. She thought it was mutual. And yet here she was, feeling more betrayed than she'd ever thought possible.
"I'm angry at you and I want to talk about it."
Well, it was blunt if nothing else, but Agnes wasn't exactly one for beating around the bush - and Abe was certainly old enough not to want to waste his time, she was sure.
Aberforth arched an eyebrow at Agnes' rather blunt statement then he folded his hands together. He could imagine quite a few things he'd done, including being fool enough to try and take on two vampires at once, that might have gotten Agnes riled up but he thought it might be a good idea to find out which specific thing it was first. No point mounting a defence for one things when she was angry at him about another.
"Indeed?" he said calmly. "Well, I seem to be something of a captive audience at the moment so go ahead." He looked her up and down and nodded to himself. "But before you start, let me just say that I'm glad that you made it through that disaster. I was worried but between those two damn vampires and my friends confiscating my journal, I wasn't able to check up on anyone."
Agnes's smile was a weak one, very unlike those she typically bestowed on her friend. There was no shining through of soul, no glittering genuity - she simply forced her lips upward in some mockery of appreciation that she knew she should feel but didn't.
"Yeah. I'm glad too. Glad you came out all right and all." But that wasn't what she was here to talk about. She didn't feel like reminiscing the battle scene, she felt like getting out in the open that which had been plaguing her for days now.
"So. I want to know why you didn't tell nobody - why you didn't tell me - that Severus were a confirmed death eater. I know you ain't almighty knowing, but you knew we was friends, you seen us hangin' out, and you still never said nothin'. Didn't it cross your mind that he could fuckin' kill me at any time?" This was so much calmer than when she had spoken to Moody, but the rage she'd pushed down in order to calm herself simmered beneath the surface of each carefully spoken syllable.
Ah, so that's what this was all about. Aberforth leaned back against his pillows and considered the matter. It was true he'd known that Severus and Agnes were friends but he hadn't told her when Severus had confirmed that he was indeed a Death Eater. There were many reasons for that of course, not the least of which was because he rather thought Agnes was good for Severus; something Severus himself had confirmed.
He arched an eyebrow when she suggested that Severus could have killed her at any moment. "And why would he kill you?" he asked mildly. "Simply because he's a Death Eater and you're a member of the Order? My dear, I thought you knew him better than that? It's rather clear to me that while Severus is indeed capable of killing someone, he dislikes it as much as I do." He raised the other eyebrow. "As for why I didn't tell anyone other than Albus? They didn't need to know. The Order already suspected him and given that the ones driving that were Black and Potter that meant they would think of him as a Death Eater no matter what. That would be more than sufficient to keep the Order appropriately wary of him. Matters with Severus are... somewhat complicated and will not have the hotheads in the Order blurting things out because they get riled by someone on the other side with the end result being Severus getting killed. Loose lips sink ships, my dear, and we have far too many loose lips."
Agnes's eyes narrowed. How dare he be so fucking calm. She'd thought for one wild moment that he'd be sorry, that he might even apologise - but no, here he was justifying letting her keep the company of a death eater.
"Are you fucking out of your mind?" Agnes had never been a subtle sort. "Blurting out what things? That he's a death eater? If everyone fucking already assumed it like you just said then what the fuck were they gonna blurt out? It ain't like we can even get him in jail. That fuck Marius Lestrange has been put in jail like five times and got off every fucking time. They don't listen to what we say. So what the fuck exactly damage would it have done to fucking tell anybody. To tell ME?" Her voice was raising against her will, and her heart was beating so fast she thought it might explode out of her chest.
"Why would he kill me? Death eaters killed my fucking family. They tried to kill me twice. YEAH BECAUSE HE'S A DEATH EATER, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? You think what? You know him? You're all up in his head? He's probably fucking using you just like he fucking lied to and used me. He almost fucking killed me at Hogwarts and he could see my goddamned face so don't tell me he thought I was some random bitch on the grass. He looked me fucking in the face and then tried to kill me. I'd be dead if Bethie hadn't of got me out right away."
Aberforth sighed and somewhat sad expression grew on his face. Severus had warned him about how Agnes had reacted to him but he'd been rather hoping the young man had been overstating things. Unfortunately it didn't seem to be the case. Agnes was frightened and had backed herself into a mental corner, sticking everyone and everything into oversimplified boxes. Good. Evil. Nothing in between.
He didn't try and interrupt Agnes' rant nor did he take much offense to it. In fact he doubted there was much he could say to her at all. Severus' role as a spy had to be kept quiet for the young man's safety and that was that. If it cost him his friendship with Agnes then he would regret that for a very long time but right now Severus was more important.
"Oh, I know him. I know him rather well, probably better than most people, perhaps even better than anyone else, probably better than he realises," he said simply. "I know him. I trust him and I consider him a friend. That is why I trusted him with you. I knew he would not harm you deliberately because he cares for you. As for the battle, have you ever considered the fact that he had no choice? Have you considered that he might have tried not to hurt you, tried to get you away without seeming to do so but bollocksed it up a bit because he was startled to see it was you? That he might have panicked a bit and not thought things through entirely because he wanted to keep you safe but not get killed by his own side? That he might have, Merlin forbid, made a mistake? You've made mistakes in your life, Agnes, and people have forgiven you for them. Are you going to be so hypocritical as to not forgive him for making a mistake?"
He arched an eyebrow. "Or is he so unforgiveable because he's a Slytherin? Do only Gryffindors get second chances? Do only Gryffindors get listened to for explanations as to their actions and forgiven while Slytherins get judged, hung, drawn and quartered with no recourse to appeal?"
"Don't you pull that house bullshit on me," Agnes snapped, eyes blazing and arms wrapping tightly around her waist (though the lame one loosed a bit after a wince). "Don't you fucking dare. I gave him a chance. I fucking cared about him when no one gave a shit and when everyone was callin' him a death eater. I comforted his ass when his mum died, I fucking cried to him about this shit and don't you ever fucking tell me that I's prejudiced because of his house. That is fucking low."
"James and Sirius said he were a fucking death eater and I defended him over and over again so don't you DARE act like I got some kind of prejudice against him for that. I can't even fucking believe you would defend him. My mind is blown, Abe. Fuckin' blown. You can sit there and 'I know Severus a whole bunch' all you please but the bottom fuckin line is I was two minutes away from death and he were the cause. If he were such a good person he'd get the fuck out of there. He didn't, so he obviously ain't. That ain't prejudice that is goddamned observation and fact. Made a mistake my ass." Her breathing was faster now, all hope of having a rational conversation dashed to pieces because Abe was defending a fucking murderer. Yeah well, last mistake on her part. Fuck this.
"You still ain't even answered my question. What the fuck difference would it have made if you'd said somethin'. Oh I might have hurt poor little Sevvums feelings? Oh that would be real sad. That's ten fuckin times worse than murder, god for fucking bid!!"
Aberforth's gaze turned inwards as he calculated risks and and possibilities. No, as much as he wanted to tell Agnes and perhaps ease a little of her anguish, he could not reveal Severus' status as a spy right now. he stopped for a moment and frowned. Now was he being fair here? How much was he wanting to protect Severus and how much was his subconcious working to make a break between them so that Agnes could not be used against him? And if it was the latter, was that fair of him to do so? Should not that decision come from Severus? But did that still mean he should tell Agnes? Then again, Agnes was not as stupid as she sometimes acted so perhaps a more subtle approach would work.
He arched an eyebrow. "Do you honestly believe that Voldemort lets his Death Eaters change their minds? They're not like the Order, you know. If someone in the Order wanted to walk away, Albus would let them. He might obliviate certain things from their mind for ther and our protection but he wouldn't stop them if it's what they truly wanted. Do you honestly believe that Voldemort is so caring?"
He felt his temper rise a little at her words and he took a deep breath and wrenched it under control. Better that one of them remained calm and truth be told, he'd never expected any of them to understand his motivations in this even if he was able to explain them fully. Severus was going to have to do ugly things. There was no getting around that. Not for Severus and not for himself because he refused to do anything other than support Severus as much as he possibly could. He'd already made that decision and he would stand by it, come what may. Even if the others tossed him out of the Order he would cope. He'd just have to work through Albus. Necessity was his taskmaster now and necessity had always been a bitch.
"So he goes into hiding. So he's got as much chance as the rest of us who tell you-know-who to fuck off just by bein' alive. Hidin' in fear is better than committin' MURDER in fear." She had cringed inwardly at the mention of His name, but her anger overrode the intimidation and she just breathed for a moment. Why wouldn't he answer her fucking question. Was he lying? Was he covering for his stupid mistake? Abe didn't do that. Or, sorry, the Abe she thought she'd known before this hellish predicament didn't. Who the fuck knew who was sitting in from of her - some unknown man who defended killers because they 'made a mistake.' If she hadn't been so overwrought with fury, she might have remembered Alastor's comment about being a double agent. She might have calmed a bit at the defence. But it still didn't explain why no one had TOLD HER what the fuck she had been sleeping with. Another deep breath and her words came out in an uncomfortably even tone.
"I don't want to fuckin' listen to you defendin someone who ain't got no respect for human life. I just want to know why the fuck you would put my life in danger because you think you know somebody. What if you was wrong? Do you not give a shit about the fact that he could have killed me and ALMOST DID?"
Aberforth sighed. Ah, she was too angry to hear what he'd said, too angry to decipher it. And he could not bring himself to come out openly and say it. It was too important to protect Severus and the information he could bring to the Order. He suspected that it may well cost him the friends he had in the Order and possibly the Order itself but Severus' information was more important, especially if he could work himself into the upper echelons of the Death Eaters. Because then they had an opportunity to not only gain access to information but it opened the possibility of being able to judiciously manipulate Voldemort. Very judiciously.
"Of course I care about the fact you almost died and I've no doubts that Severus does as well," he growled. He had the lad sitting next to his bed in tears of guilt and grief because of it, for Merlin's sake. "But I will tell you this. I am not wrong about that lad. He is worthy of my trust. There is far more going on here than one man and his actions. We are in a war and wars do not allow for the niceties of being two-dimensional about people."
"I don't get why you couldn't tell me. Everyone fuckin' knows now and what the shit has changed. Nothin." This was harder than she imagined, even with anger beating through her veins and reason thrown out the damned window. No, damnit, she WAS being reasonable. She thought she had every right to know when someone was a death eater, particularly when he was supposed to be her friend. "I ain't okay with keepin' friends who put me in danger cuz they think they knows best. I ain't okay with bein' kept in the dark without bein' told a reason. I'm a full grown woman I don't deserve to have shit decided by me that them who is supposed to respect me."
She moved forward, shuffling around in her cloak for a sack. Agnes had borrowed enough money off Marlene to pay for the lodging Abe had never charged her for, and she set this carefully down beside him. "There. I don't owe you nothin' and you don't owe me nothin'."
And that was that. She turned to leave.
"Exactly," Aberforth said sternly. "What has changed here other than your perspective? And are you sure you're seeing things clearly? Severus is exactly the same man he was before the weekend. He was no danger to you before then, he is no danger to you now. If I thought he was, I wouldn't let him set foot in this pub."
He sighed and shook his head. "Agnes, my dear, I see you suffer from the old Gryffindor attitude of thinking that the world and every event in it revolves around you. Frankly, everything that has been going on between Severus and I has nothing to do with you, only a little bit to do with the Order, a great deal to do with Severus and an enormous amount to do with the war. Both he and I have learned to look beyond our own wants and desires to see the bigger picture. Not telling you and the others what was going on had nothing to do with a lack of respect or trust and everything to do with Severus' safety... and not his safety from the Ministry but his safety from Voldemort."
He didn't touch the money or even look at it nor would he accept it. It could go to Albus to be used for the Order. "It is your choice to make, my dear," he said sadly. "I will not stop you."
He sighed past the lump in his throat. He genuinely care for Agnes but she represented the part of the Order that tended to irritate him. The part that thought that their petty squabbles and concerns were the be all and end all of life. This war demanded much from those who fought and sadly most of the Order were falling well short of what was required. He suspected that he would lose most of the Order along with Agnes but so be it. The war must be won and if the cost was a lonely life of suspicion for him then he could live with that. He'd done it before after all. He could easily work through Albus, Moody and perhaps Pepper. And to be honest, it might be easier that way for all of them. It wasn't as though he'd been any good at being a team player anyway. Too used to working alone or with just his tiny group of close friends.
Agnes paused for a moment. She wanted to argue with him; this was not all about her, and she bristled that he would even accuse her of that. She wanted to yell and scream about how knowing he was a death eater before and knowing now were no different. That knowing who the death eaters were had never changed anything. Why would You Know Who care if his death eaters were known. Did he care that they knew about the Lestranges and Fenrir? Did he really give a damn when they had gotten away with every single thing?
Well if Abe was too concerned with his private little scheme, whatever the fuck it was, to bother to inform the order of something that mattered, then fine. If he wanted to sit here and insult her when she hadn't done a fucking thing wrong? Fine. She had narrowed down who she could trust to about six people, and that was the way it was going to be.
"Fuck you. You don't know nothin about me and you obviously never did."
And that was that. She left him, the money, his stupid ego, and every scrap of hope she had that people still had decency in them behind.
Aberforth watched Agnes go with a sigh. It might be best if he stayed away from the Order for the near future. It would make things awkward for feeding information to Severus but he had ways of dealing with that. He suspected Agnes would go back to Godric's Hollow with tales of an untrustworthy Aberforth, which would likely turn them against him. That hurt and yet it didn't. It was a tag he'd had many times in the past but somehow he'd hoped that Agnes would see past her own interests and into the bigger ones.
He finally turned and looked at the money on the table next to his bed. He sighed again and clambered out of bed, taking care not to jar his healing wounds. It took only a matter of moments to find a small pouch for the coins and to scrawl a note to Albus indicating the money was to be used for the Order. He then set them both aside for Rhisiart to send off with his owl and returned to his bed. He didn't much feel like reading anymore so he doused the lights and curled up on his side, trying to ignore the little hollow in his chest where Agnes had dwelt. He'd lost friends, family and lovers before. It hurt now but he knew that given time it would fade. He'd never been of much use to the Order anyway. Too damn old and out of touch with the younger ones. They wouldn't miss him and he could probably work more effectively under the counter anyway.