Aberforth Dumbledore - he knows everything (theoldgoat) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-09-18 09:14:00 |
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It was Wednesday evening before Severus finally truly pulled himself out of his bed. Thea wound around his ankles almost as if she were encouraging him to get up. He had been in nothing but bandages and a loose pair of pyjama pants for nearly three days and he finally determined that since he had promised himself he would go back to work tomorrow - he was sick of sitting and thinking - and since he had not heard yet from Aberforth that it was time to move. So he showered, shaved, and put on robes that were clean and picked up his journal and wand, and walked out to the main part of the row house, ignoring Thea's weaving between his ankles for the moment. He flipped open the journal again, but nothing. And it was the silence that worried Severus. Particularly considering that he was certain that at least part of the Order was talking about him, what did the silence actually mean? Was Aberforth injured? dead? angry? Severus stood in the middle of the room staring across the wall into empty space. What the hell was he doing? Where the hell did he belong? Did he belong anywhere? He hated knowing that he would never truly be considered equal with his friends. That he was not good enough to marry their sisters, but he was good enough to kill with them. But equally frustrating was that he knew that he would never be allowed to be part of Lily's world. He was not convinced that even had he not been a Death Eater it would have ever been allowed. Potter, Black - they didn't like him, and she had made that choice and she had not chosen him. When he'd needed a friend, who had been here? Not Lily. Not Agnes - who was so unwilling to even listen to him. Not even Aberforth. No, it had been Barty, and Demetrius, and Regulus. Even Jacqueline and Julianne had sent him an owl each. He might be just a halfblood to them, but even so, they acted as if they actually cared about what happened to him. He felt constantly torn between two worlds. Between what he felt was right and what he knew was right, and where he felt, at the very least wanted, and where he wanted to be. It was not a pleasant feeling at all. He glanced in the mirror. He looked put together at least, although his skin was pale and he was certain it was not just from the loss of blood and the physical exhaustion of trying to heal the deep wounds. The emotional strain of the past four days had torn him up. Severus had hit a place he hadn't believed he could hit, and he no longer felt tired, but rather defeated. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, and a pallor on his skin that made him look as if he were more sick than he were. He left the bedroom, walked down and wondered if he could Apparate. He felt his abdomen, which still felt tender, although the sores seemed to be mostly open and he decided against it. He could Floo into the Hog's Head, and it seemed to be the smarter decision. He ignored the mess of cauldrons that, thanks to Barty's foresight, would be much easier to clean than they might have been otherwise, and he grabbed some Floo powder from the hearth saying firmly "The Hog's Head". The pub was open when he arrived, and Severus thought that was probably a good thing. However it was not Aberforth behind the bar and he frowned slightly at Marcus, before clearing his face and stepping forward. Hopefully Marcus was just here to visit. Aberforth was elsewhere - and he'd be fine. Severus hoped that was all it was. He stepped up and put his hand on the bar, acknowledging Marcus. "Hey, is Aberforth around?" He asked calmly, trying not to show how worried he was. Marcus was more than a little distracted as he served the pub's customers from behind the bar and as such he didn't hear the floo activate. He would much rather have been upstairs making sure Abe was okay but in truth Rhisiart was probably better suited to that task, if for no other reason than because he was already dead. Abe couldn't kill him when he got exceptionally cranky. His old friend was not one of the best patients going around. Marcus shuddered as he remembered the state Abe had been in when they'd come at Rhisiart's summons. The amount of blood had been horrifying and Marcus wasn't sure a man as old as Abe should be running around fighting and breaking that many bones and getting bitten by vampires. It was that last bit that had Rhisiart's muttering every time it came up in conversation. Neither Marcus nor Aknot were game to question the vampire as to where he'd been and what he'd been doing. Though Aknot's last attempt at subtle questioning was why he was now down in the basement, ostensibly 'stocktaking' but in actuality hiding. They'd just been glad that Rhisiart had turned up when he had. Marcus didn't want to think about losing one of his best friends in such a ghastly manner. He looked up as someone approached the bar asking after Abe and his slight frown turned to a smile that quickly became a look of concern. "Severus. Are you alright? You look a touch peaky." He paused and grimaced, wondering whether he should answer the young man's question. Abe had said a few mysterious words about things not being what they seemed after Severus' last rather disgraceful exit from the pub and they'd taken him at his word. "Abe's... upstairs. He's not in very good shape. That attack on Hogwarts on the weekend? He was neck-deep in it as usual and copped the unpleasant end of a couple of vampires from what he's told us." He paused again and considered matters for a moment. Rhisiart could probably do with a break. "Look, go up. Rhisiart's sitting with him for the moment but I'm sure Abe'll want to see you." Severus hesitated. So that was why Aberforth hadn't answered his question. Shit he thought to himself, and he sighed. "I've been... ill," was probably the best way to put it. "But I'm getting better. He's upstairs then?" He glanced up the stairs. He'd been in Aberforth's room before, and the last time Aberforth had been completely drunk. But if he'd been at Hogwarts and he still wasn't in very good shape. Severus' brow furrowed. "Damn-" and then it hit him. Rhisiart? So the vampire had showed up after all. Severus nodded at Marcus. "All right then, I think I will, if you don't think he'll mind. Thanks Marcus," and he headed towards the stairs, climbing them rather slowly. The last time he'd been here had not been particularly good, and Severus was certain that the entire attack - the reason Aberforth was hurt - had been because of the information he'd passed on to the Dark Lord. He'd known that this would get people hurt - but this was too much. Agnes? Lily? and Aberforth? When he reached his hand up to knock on the door, his face was rather sober, as well as pale from the time he'd spent in bed. He'd never met Rhisiart and he had no idea if the vampire would take kindly to him coming and barging in, or if Aberforth would have even mentioned him to Rhisiart. Perhaps he was in no state to mention him to anyone. And would Aberforth even want to see him? He could stand and second guess all night, or he could knock and find out. Considering that his week had not been going particularly fantastically, Severus was half expecting Rhisiart to take one look at him, recognise him as a Death Eater and throw him out on his ear. Aberforth was glaring at Rhisiart with an expression that suggested he was nearer ten than one hundred. The vampire on the other hand was blithely ignoring his friend and ostensibly reading a thick book on defensive magic with what was, to all intents and purpose, great interest even though as a vampire, he was unable to use magic. "You're supposed to be resting, not shooting daggers at me," the vampire said calmly, not even looking up from his book. "I'm bored," Aberforth replied with more than a hint of petulance in his voice. "And I'm fine. I'm certainly well enough to work." Rhisiart still didn't look up from his book though he did arch an eyebrow. "Of course you are," he said with light sarcasm. "And fifteen minutes after you got downstairs, I'd be carrying you back up here again because you'd have collapsed. You're not fine, Abe. You need to rest and recover." Abe opened his mouth to reply but at that moment a knock came at the outer door. Rhisiart set his book aside and gave Abe a stern look. "Do not move," he said, levelling a finger at the old man before walking out into the main room and opening the door. He arched an eyebrow when he saw a strange young man outside. Marcus and Aknot had mentioned a new friend briefly during the last few days but most of their conversation had been about how Abe was and subtle digs about where Rhisiart had been and he had bothered to follow up on that particular topic. Was this the new friend Marcus and Aknot had mentioned? "Good evening," Rhisiart said urbanely. "How can I help you?" Severus wondered if he was more pale than the man who stood in front of him and he shifted uneasily. He had never met Rhisiart before, but he was certain that was who this was. And the man did not look particularly upset at him, which meant, possibly, that Aberforth was not angry, at least, and was only injured and trying to recover. Severus hoped. He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Hi," he said, and felt instantly ridiculous as soon as he did. Just because the entire week had made him feel twelve again, did not mean he needed to act as socially inept as he had been at the age of twelve. He took a breath and started over. "I mean, good evening. I'm looking for Aberforth, actually and Marcus said," Severus waved a hand vaguely at the stairs behind him. "that he was up here. And I'm hoping he'll see me." And really that was what it boiled down to. He was hoping that Aberforth was not furious with him and simply ignoring the journal. He was hoping that maybe Aberforth would know something that would give him some clue as to how much had been told or deducted. And he realised that probably he should have mentioned something about the battle to Aberforth, and would Abe be angry that he hadn't? A small smile curved Rhisiart's lips as the young man spoke. This must indeed be the new friend or else why would he be here. "I'm sure he'll be delighted to see you," he said wryly. "We've been keeping him in bed and I'm afraid he's heartily bored. But he was rather badly hurt so bed rest is the best thing for him." Rhisiart stepped back to allow the young man to enter. He smoothed down the rich maroon velvet jacket he was wearing. He'd worn it for Abe deliberately, knowing the man enjoyed twitting him about his choice of attire. If calling him a priss made Abe feel better for a little while, Rhisiart was more than happy to oblige. And keeping Abe calm, in bed and occasionally amused also kept him from going out and finding those upstart vampires who'd hurt his friend. He had no intention of forgetting that slight but right now Abe was more important than internal vampire discipline. "I'm Rhisiart Masterson, by the way. I gather that you must be Abe's new friend? Marcus and Aknot mentioned you in passing but I'm afraid we were all a bit too worried about Abe for me to ask anything more." He led Severus back towards the bedroom but paused before opening the door. His expression became sober. "They said that you came and stayed with Abe on the 22nd. Thank you for doing that. I was regrettably unable to make it and I was worried that he might do something foolish." Severus eyed Rhisiart, but when the vampire smiled he followed suit, although it was a tentative smile, at best. "I'd gathered as much," he said, eyeing Rhisiart's rather overdone attire. "Aberforth's spoken a lot about you," he added. And spent a lot of time looking for you., he added mentally. Severus wondered briefly if his friends would do the same for him. He'd thought no, but after this week, he couldn't be as certain. If they thought he were in trouble and they could do something, would Barty not come looking for him? Or Demetrius? Would he for them? "Oh, and I'm Severus," he added. "Severus Snape. And I was here the 22nd." He gave Rhisiart a friendlier smile. "I'm just relieved I showed up when I did. It was coincidence, really," he looked down. "And probably also lucky coincidence that apparently I can talk him out of doing something foolish." He glanced up. "I'm certain not quite as well as you can, as you probably know him quite a bit better than I do." Severus hesitated. "He was pretty worried about you as well," he added. Uncertain if he should say anything about it, but in the end, he guessed that Rhisiart probably already knew that one way or another. "I'm very pleased to meet you, Severus Snape," Rhisiart said with a low chuckle. His smile became something sad. "A good coincidence then that you were able to keep him here and keep him whole. Though I suspect my facility with it comes mostly from experience. I've known Abe since he was twenty-five and I've sat through many a night on the 22nd with him." He sighed and shook his head. "Personally I think he should spend that night with Albus but they're both stubborn men, unwilling to forgive themselves or each other." He made the simple assumption that Aberforth would have told Severus the significance of the 22nd to him. He shook his head again. "Be that as it may, you're here to see Abe, not gossip with me." He paused with one hand on the door handle. "Do you mind if I stay while you're here? Abe lost a great deal of blood and I'm just a bit worried about him overdoing things. You've obviously got some ability to handle him but he can get terribly instrangient when he's sick or injured and you may not be able to handle that part of his personality just yet." Severus nodded. It would probably do both of the brothers some good to actually talk to each other, although he could see that after the number of years they hadn't it was not likely to happen. "I suppose sometimes one needs a substitute for a brother," he considered Regulus and Sirius and while he did not have a brother himself, it seemed that sometimes family was as much a curse as it was a blessing. Or it could be. He hesitated at Rhisiart's final question, but it would be good to have someone else around, perhaps. Someone who knew Aberforth better, in case Abe did not want to see him, and so Severus nodded shortly. "I well understand being stubborn under those situations, but you are, again, probably better able to handle such a time than I am. Thank you," he added "I mean, I think I'd actually appreciate you being around." Severus had no idea how Aberforth was going to react to his being there. Rhisiart arched an eyebrow at Severus' easier acceptance. He'd been expecting to have to argue his case but the young man seemed almost... relieved to have him there. Very interesting. It made him wonder what else was going on that he hadn't been told. Abe had already scolded him about his absence but they hadn't touched on any other serious subjects. There was time enough to do that once Abe was well again. He opened the door and gestured for Severus to enter. "I'm sure you'll be pleased to find out I have a visitor for you," he said dryly. "Young Severus Snape has come to make sure you're still alive." Abe was sulking. He was man enough to admit that. He was sulking. It wasn't very adult of him but he didn't care. He hated being injured, he hated being confined to his bed and he hated being weak and having to admit that he was getting old and he didn't heal as quickly as he used to. But when Rhisiart announced a visitor, he perked up a bit. When Severus walked into the room, his initial reaction was sheer relief. Rhisiart had confiscated his journal so he hadn't been able to find out what was going on. Alastor had assured him that everyone in the Order had survived, not all of them intact but they were all alive but Abe cared about more than just the Order. But after that initial reaction, irritation flooded into him. Severus must have known about the attack and yet he'd said nothing, not even hinted that something was going to occur. They were supposed to be working together, dammit! He went to cross his arms over his chest but at the last minute remembered that doing that would hurt and he left his hands where they were. "So you've decided to turn up, have you?" he growled, ignoring the look of surprise on Rhisiart's face as the vampire closed the door and lurked in a corner. Severus stepped into the room, mostly just relieved that Abe was alive, although frustrated that he hadn't bothered to answer any of his questions. Severus had been worried, not just about Aberforth, but about Agnes, and about Lily, and about everything that was happening, and there had been silence. Aberforth looked about as happy to be in bed as Severus himself had been, excepting that Severus had been in a horribly depressed state on top of wounded. He frowned a bit at Aberforth's tone. "I wrote you," he said, the words more accusing than they were supposed to sound. "I wrote you twice and you didn't respond at all. I didn't know if you were alive and I didn't know if-" He stopped short. He had no idea how badly things had been messed up, and the answer to that was potentially very badly. And he glanced over at Rhisiart slightly. Maybe it was a good thing he'd said yes to the vampire staying. In theory, Abe couldn't kill him if he was confined to bed, but Severus was not convinced that Abe couldn't find a way around that theory. "Which, you are, obviously. Alive, I mean. And at any rate, I couldn't come before today. I was in bed myself most of Monday and Tuesday. And I should have been on Sunday." He stood awkwardly beside Abe's bed. The older wizard did not look particularly great at the moment. "Ah, we took Abe's journal away," Rhisiart interjected from the corner. "Sorry about that. I wasn't aware that they were used that extensively but we rather thought it might be best to keep him away from anything that might put his blood pressure up too much. He lost a little too much for that and blood replenishing potions can only do so much." Aberforth harumphed rather grumpily, ignoring the vampire for the moment. A part of him was rather concerned that whatever had happened to Severus had required a healthy young man to be bedridden for so long but the sullen, irritated part of him was holding sway at the moment. It wasn't the most logical part of him unfortunately but given all that had happened it was the strongest right now. "Of course I'm alive," he growled. "No thanks to you." His expression became a mix of irritation, hurt, frustration and even a touch of betrayal. "I thought we were supposed to be working together? I thought that the path of information would be two ways, not just one." He slammed his uninjured hand down on the bed. "Dammit, Severus! Why didn't you warn me?" Severus looked at Rhisiart. He was feeling distinctly more edgy than he thought he'd be. It was probably, all things considered, a good thing that it had been taken away from Aberforth. Severus didn't actually know what conversations had been taking place among the Order, and had he actually had any real knowledge of it, he'd have agreed even more wholeheartedly. All Severus knew was that he was glad that at least Aberforth hadn't been ignoring him outright, but it was clear Abe wasn't thrilled at the lack of information, and to be honest, Severus didn't know what to say. He could have told about this one. Everyone knew about it from the inner circle to the outer circle to the women and the supporters. It hadn't been something that was particularly need to know. "I-" The week had worn him down too much for him to have a practised lie on the tip of his tongue. Emotionally and physically he was exhausted, and so he pressed his lips together. "I fucked up," he said finally, heavily. And Merlin had he. So many times and in so many different ways he couldn't even begin to think about it. "Everyone knows, by the way - or at least has a pretty damn good idea. He pulled the tunnel out of my head ages ago, so when I got asked, I couldn't do anything but confirm it. I only know about it because Black tried to get Lupin to kill me sixth year, and since they were the only ones who knew about it, outside of me, they deducted that I told. Which, I didn't, technically. And I wouldn't have now, if I'd been able to choose. But I didn't know occlumency back then, and who knows what the hell else has been pulled out of my head that's going to end up hurting people I don't want hurt. And I practically got Agnes killed even though I was trying to keep her from getting killed, and she hates me now cause she figured out it was me, and-" his voice wavered uncertainly. "You're injured and Lily's injured, and I wish I-" He looked down at that point. He could only take responsibility for Agnes' injuries. The others had been there one way or another, and preparation would not, necessarily, have changed the fact that they were injured. It was a rationalisation. And he felt guilty sitting there rationalising in his head, while Aberforth lay in the bed injured. "I should have-" He stopped and glanced uneasily at Rhisiart. Abe didn't strike Severus as the type to be friends with people who were not clever, and so Severus was certain that if Rhisiart hadn't figured out the details quite yet, he was going to very shortly. "I'm sorry. I- I should have warned you. I could have." Aberforth wanted to hold onto his anger, he wanted to have a good old-fashioned kind of yell at Severus for not telling him, not allowing him to warn the Order about something that had damaged so many of them. He wanted to and he'd been working himself up for it as Severus spoke but then what the young man was actually saying sank in and as quickly as it had risen, his anger flowed away, leaving him weary, hurt, in a little bit of pain and just a little sick. He leaned back against his pillows and sighed as he stared at Severus. Part of him still wanted to fling hateful, hurtful words at Severus but it looked like there wasn't much point. It looked like Severus had been doing just fine with that on his own and all Aberforth could do was break the lad... and as angry and irritated as he was, he didn't want to do that. Rhisiart had watched and listened in silence except for his comment about the journal. It didn't take too much intelligence to put two and two together and come up with something he was fairly certain was four. He didn't know what most of the background was but it was simple enough to extrapolate that young Severus was a Death Eater and that he and Abe had some agreement about passing information, which logically meant Severus had had some second thoughts about being a Death Eater. He glided forward in the smooth, slightly unnatural manner that most vampires possessed and placed a hand on Severus' shoulder, exerting a bit of pressure. "Sit down," he said firmly but gently. He arched an eyebrow at the two men. "You will both behave yourselves for two minutes." It was not a request and he hoped they understood that as he walked out into the main room. He returned with two small glasses of brandy. "This won't do either of you any harm and under the circumstances, I think it'll do you both some good." He pointed a finger first at Abe then at Severus. "Now talk. No yelling, no hitting, no being abusive or nasty and keep the sarcasm down to a managable level, please." With that he retreated back to the corner and actually hoped that he wouldn't have to play peacemaker. Aberforth put his glass down and ran a hand down his face before picking it up and again and sipping at the really very excellent brandy. "Bossy, prissy bastard," he muttered half under his breath. He looked over at Severus, taking in for the first time how pale and drawn he looked. "How badly were you hurt?" he asked wearily, not wanting to deal with the rest of it just yet. "I..." Severus was so relieved to not have been yelled at that he didn't protest when Rhisiart stepped up behind him and he certainly was not going to argue with the alcohol at all. He took a breath, avoiding wincing although his abdomen was still tight. "Not bad, relatively speaking," he looked at Abe wearily and took a grateful sip of the brandy, glancing over at Rhisiart with a appreciative nod. "I did okay until the end and then I got several gauging hexes. One in my abdomen and another one in my leg, which would have been fine if I hadn't decided it was a fantastic idea to go see Lily on Sunday." He frowned. That had been anything but intelligent. "I managed to tear everything up again and I didn't really care much honestly. If my friends hadn't sent me to bed to stay there..." Severus was worried. He had no idea of knowing how far Lily had spread the information but he was guessing a good portion of people in the Order knew. He had been so shaken by everything that had happened that he wasn't even certain he wanted to be sitting here, but be did want to know about Lily and he wanted her safe no matter what and Severus certainly felt that right now Aberforth was his best bet. "I..." he stopped. "I couldn't say anything to Agnes. At least nothing that matters in the end because she thinks I'm a monster and maybe she's not wrong." the sentence came out more bitterly than he intended for it to. "I wouldn't be here if my friends hadn't stepped in. And she thinks they're monsters too. And if taking care of me when every fucking one of the 'good guys' cuts me out of their lives makes my friends monsters than I am one I guess. And I tried to keep her safe...I did. But there was another one right there and I couldn't not hex her at all! Nothing I did would have harmed her seriously. I can't do this. I can't care -" he swallowed. "It's going to get me killed - and it isn't helping the people I want to keep safe." Aberforth winced at Severus' litany of his wounds then again when he mentioned going to see Lily. No matter what the reason, he can't imagine that had gone well and the oblique comments Severus made merely confirmed that. Lily was so young. She was the same age as Severus but in comparison she was so young. And she had that wretched Gryffindor idealism that saw the world in black and white. Give her another decade and she'd have had a lot of that beaten out of her by the realities of life but she was still young right now. He decided to leave the subject of Lily alone for now. He knew that was a sore point with Severus and he didn't blame the young man. James Potter was a good man. A touch rash and reckless like most Gryffindors but a good lad nonetheless. But if Aberforth veered back into an aspect of life that he'd largely left behind because of his age, on the whole he'd prefer Severus over James. He'd always preferred intelligence, strength of mind and a good solid slightly sardonic sense of humour in both his men and his women. Not that he'd ever mention that to either young man. Both of them were so clearly comfortably ensconced in their heterosexuality. It was just that his own bisexuality gave him a point of view that others often didn't have. And in his case, he could only have the tiny thought that on the whole, he rather thought Lily had chosen the wrong man. But then... Lily wasn't him. And a good thing too. Aberforth sighed wearily and swirled the brandy around in his glass. "If you're a monster then I'm an even bigger one, son. And as I don't class myself a monster, I can hardly call you one." He arched an eyebrow. "Severus, a monster doesn't react the way you are right now. A monster doesn't care about hurting people. A monster kills with impunity and without regret. You're not that kind of person. You're a good man at the heart of it. You make mistakes but you're human so that's the way things go. We all make mistakes." He stared down at the brandy in his glass before taking a long drink. What he had to say was hard and harsh but it probably needed to be said right now. "You're right. You can't care." He sighed heavily, sorrow and regret etched on his face. "No, that's perhaps not quite the right way of putting it. You need to... learn how to separate your emotions from everything. To put them aside so that you can do what is necessary. If you keep going this way, you're... going to be hurt even worse than you are now. It's not an easy thing to do but to protect yourself, I think you must do it." He set the glass to one side and leaned forward slightly, wincing as it caused a few of his wounds to pull a little. He ignored that though and rested his hand on the bed in front of Severus. He wasn't sure whether Severus would welcome physical contact right now but he would offer it if it was wanted. "I will say this though," he said calmly, making sure he caught Severus' eyes so that the young man could see how sincere he was. he also slowly lowered the shields in his mind in case Severus wanted to really check that he was serious. "I will not walk away from you during this. I will not turn my back on you, no matter what happens, no matter what you are forced to do. You will always have a safe haven here at the Hog's Head. You can come here at any time, to the pub in general and my rooms specifically. I intend to change the wards as soon as I'm able. You can come here if you want somewhere to just be silent and shut the rest of the world out. You can come here if you want a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen while you rail against the world, someone to get you rotten, sodding drunk and then pour hangover potion down your throat the next morning. Whatever you need, I will be here for you." He saw Rhisiart nodding approvingly out of the corner of his eye but he didn't take his attention away from Severus. "Because of what you are doing, because of how bloody dangerous it is, because I consider you a friend, because of any number of reasons, you are more important to me right now than the Order, than this pub, than my friends and even my damn brother." Severus swallowed hard. After Aberforth's original question, and the irritation in his voice, he had expected anger, scolding, punishment of some sort, or an unwillingness to trust him or to help him out. He had not expected what he had received. He stared at the hand Aberforth had moved, his heart beating rather wildly with fear, confusion, paranoia - he wasn't even certain. He didn't deserve what he had received here. He knew he didn't. He knew he'd made so many mistakes, and he'd hurt people that he didn't mean to hurt, that he'd never wanted to hurt. He should have given Aberforth information about the battle. Something, even something as simple as the knowledge that something large would be going down that night. Never in his life had Severus been offered unconditional... anything. However he might have idolised his mother, she had been unpredictable in moods, and had often scolded him one evening for something she'd praised him for the evening before. He could count on one hand the number of times his father had given him even the slightest complement, and even those came back-handed. He received complements from the inner circle, but they were often backhanded ones as well, with an 'in spite of' attached, or a 'but' unspoken. Severus was used to rejection. He was used to having to fight for every scrap of respect or ounce of good will. Aberforth was defying everything he was used to from people whether they be friends or family or mentors. Coming as it did on the heels of the emotional roller coaster ride he had been on this week, it stunned him into silence. Lily had turned her back on him. Agnes wouldn't even talk to him. And as difficult as those things had been, he could believe that he deserved that treatment. Abe's unwavering belief was too much. It was ten times more difficult to accept as anything he deserved - for any reason. He didn't want the tears. He didn't want to break down in front of Aberforth, in front of Rhisiart whom he'd never met until tonight and who was certainly getting a crash course in Severus Snape's life. He didn't look up, despite the fact that he could feel Aberforth's eyes on him. If he looked up, he would cry. He could feel it in every ounce of his body and he was not going to. He was not going to. There were a number of quiet moments while Severus tried to get himself under control enough to say something. But he truly did not know what to say. He had been doubting so much his decisions. That however uncomfortable he was with some of the assignments and with the fact that Lily and Agnes were targeted, perhaps he had made a mistake to come to Aberforth and talk to him. That he had short changed his friends, after all. And that right and wrong were subjective. "I don't deserve that," he finally said, and the too true words were forced between too dry lips. "Why do you trust me?" He whispered. "I didn't tell you anything... I could have," he swallowed again, and forced himself to look up at Aberforth. "So many people knew," his voice cracked slightly. "Supporters and wives, and the slip could have come from anywhere, and I knew that I- and I could have told you. And I didn't. And yet you're still..." He stopped. "I don't understand. I don't-" tears welled up and he pushed them back. "Why?" Aberforth shoved the blankets and sheets back, glaring Rhisiart into silence when the vampire made a move to protest. He shifted around so that he was sitting in front of Severus, ignoring the stabs of pain that shot through him as he did so. He'd been injured before and he knew that they were nothing more than his body protesting the movement. It was not the pain of wounds being reopened or made worse. Perhaps he should be worried that he knew the difference between those types of pain but right now was not the time to ponder that. "I'll confess I am damn annoyed about the fact you didn't tell me, even obliquely about the attack," he said, deciding to get that matter out of the way first. "But what's done is done and can't be undone. Yelling at you might be cathartic for me but it's not really going to achieve anything, is it? And frankly I'm as much to blame there as you are because we never discussed how we were going to do this." He sighed and placed a hand on Severus' arm. "I'm not asking you to spill every secret or to tell me every detail but even just something as subtle as 'you know, the 13th is always an ill-omened day, don't you think?' or something along those lines would be enough to give me a prod. I know that giving me too much information in some cases would make it too damn obvious where the leak came from but I can deal with subtle." He reached out and cupped Severus' chin then raised his head so he could look the young man in the eye properly. "We all make mistakes, Severus. Every single damn one of us. It's how we know we're human. You made a mistake this time. It happens. Quite likely next time, I'll be the one to make the mistake. I'd be a damn fool if I didn't understand that and make allowances for it." He paused and gave a small wry smile. "You are worthy of what I offered. You are worthy of my trust. One mistake doesn't wipe that out." "I'm sorry," Severus whispered. And he truly was sorry. He was sorry that Aberforth had been injured and that he had been unable to keep Agnes from getting hurt. He was sorry for not telling Abe about the battle and sorry that he cared so much. A tear slid down his cheek, and he stared into the older man's eyes. He was trusted. Beyond any explicable reasoning, Abe had decided Severus was worthy of trust, and he was extending it to him despite Severus' mistakes. He reached for Aberforth's hand, carefully so he would not cause undue pain. And his hand around Abe's, he swallowed, pushing back the tears again although he was not certain it mattered now. Abe was not likely to throw him out of the room for crying, in the end. Severus wondered for the briefest of moments if this was what it was like to have a father who actually cared. Someone who was older, who had lived life, but who thought you could do things yourself, you just shouldn't have to always do it alone. He put the thought away, but carefully, and something he would no doubt examine later on in the privacy of his own mind. And as he squeezed - gently - Abe's hand, he realised that the worst of his mistakes possibly still needed to be dealt with and he took a shaky breath, and sat back uneasily. "Perhaps, you should save this acceptance of my mistakes until you've got the full story," he pulled back, crossing his arms over his chest and frowning slightly. "I told-" he stopped. How to say this so that it made sense? "Lily asked me about the tunnel. Blamed me for telling the Dark Lord, which, she's not technically wrong, but I hate that she," he shook his head, clearing that line of thought which was simply not useful. "I went to talk to her. I essentially told her that I'm a Death Eater, which was stupid. I know it was. I always- I do the most foolish things around her. It's probably not a bad thing that she no longer wants to talk to me. She-" He shook his head. "I have no brains when I'm with her, and I know that I'm smarter than I usually act around her. It probably did not help that I was on pain potions at the time, which- my judgement was not the best." He glanced over at Rhisiart. "One of my friends did eventually take away my journal, but unfortunately that was after everything with Lily, which meant that I potentially did a lot of damage before it was taken away." "Agnes apparently is certain. Probably she recognised my voice. Lily, obviously is. Peter talked to me as if he knew. If those three know, I'm certain Lupin, McKinnon, Black, and Potter know as well. No, strike that, I know Potter knows. I think Lily tells him everything," he didn't bother keeping the bitterness out of his voice. "At this point I feel like it's pointless to deny any of it. Nobody knew about that tunnel except your brother, me, and Potter, Black, Peter, and Lupin. And your brother swore me to secrecy about the entire event when I was in sixth year, and I haven't told. They wouldn't tell because it was their secret play area. And I don't know if they've told the entire Order or not. I know you've got Aurors or hitwizards or something in your group. At least, I'm fairly certain of at least two possibilities. And I- Will they turn me in? I can handle the Death Eaters, if the inner circle finds out," at least he thought he probably could. He hadn't yet spent time thinking about it, but he would come up with some reasoning behind what had happened that made sense. "But I don't... right now, I've got two wounds that are mostly but not entirely healed, and my wand has spells on it that, while not unforgivable, are obviously offensive and defensive spells. If I got taken in," Severus sighed. "I don't know how it would go. And I can't trust Lily not to tell Potter and I should remember that." Severus stopped. "Except," he considered a moment. "I reminded Potter that I'm his best chance of knowing when something might hurt Lily. I warned her once before, and he thanked me then, said he wanted me alive cause even Gryffindors could do that math, so- I don't think he would report me. But I just don't know how far into the group the information has spread. And I don't know if someone else would. And all of this complicates an already complicated situation even further," he looked back up at Abe. "I'm fairly confident right now, that the sorting hat was very wise to not put me in Ravenclaw. I've been dumber than I could have imagined I would be this week. And please feel free to tell me I've fucked up, because I've been telling myself that all week long." Aberforth gently squeezed Severus' hand in return. The bones were mostly healed but he appreciated Severus' care. He let Severus pull away and listened silently as the young man kept talking, confessing his sins, so to speak. Once he finished, he thought things through. The Order knowing the truth about Severus wasn't that much of a problem. They'd suspected him anyway purely through his associations and the dislike of Black and Potter. Having Severus confirmed was just taking that final step and may well work in their advantage. True, it was inconvenient in some ways but... well, the young man had been strongly suspected anyway. It wasn't a disaster. But Severus did have something of a point about their Auror members. It would be beyond inconvenient to have Severus taken in for questioning, not to mention that could well damage Severus' standing among the Death Eaters. He wasn't overly concerned about Alastor. Moody was experienced and knew when to look the other way. Frank, he felt, could be reasoned with and would understand the need for a spy so well placed within the Death Eaters. He was somewhat unsure of Alice but perhaps Frank would be able to handle her better. The ones he was more concerned about were Emmeline Vance and Pepper. Vance had been erratic and hideously stupid over the last week or two, worse even than Black and his cohorts. She may well need to be handled. Pepper... now he was the interesting one. And oddly enough the one Aberforth was least worried about. Pepper was a Slytherin therefore he wasn't going to make any rash decisions. He was likely to ask questions and feel his way around the subject before doing anything. That would give him time to get a feel for the man and make a decision about whether he could be trusted. He had a suspicion the answer to that was yes and that Pepper could be very valuable to both himself and Severus. He shook his head, drawing himself out of his thoughts. He then gave Severus a very wry smile and chuckle. "Severus, my boy, you are hardly the first man to be foolish because of a woman. I swear sometimes they seem to exist solely to rob us of our brains and make us be idiots for their amusement." He sobered again. "The Order already strongly suspected you. Mostly because of your associations but partly because of Black and Potter's dislike of you. Having them know for certain closes some doors but opens others. It's not an unworkable situation." He tapped his fingers against his legs. "I know of the tunnel because... well, because I'm damn old and I helped to set up the myth of the Shrieking Shack for Albus. Not that he told me why he wanted that done but I thought it was an amusing thing to do so I helped without asking too many questions. It's not the only tunnel in and out of Hogwarts, it's just one of the lesser known ones. There's only one way in and out that's completely unknown to the students and that one's... complicated." That was mostly because it was a purely magical entrance that depended greatly on the peculiar nature of the Room of Requirement. He frowned thoughtfully for a moment. "As soon as you can, cast a series of minor spells with your wand. The Ministry don't go back that far with the Priori Incantatem. If you trust someone else with your wand, get them to do it if you're not in any condition just yet. Wounds can be explained in any number of ways and if they don't have proof from your wand and you stick to your story, they can't hold you forever." he snorted. "They can take you in for questioning on the strength of a complaint from someone but unless they can find proof they have to let you go. Remember Crouch is a stickler for the rules, which can work for you as much as it can against you." "As for the Ministry Order members... they're mostly the older ones who will listen to me," he continued. "Besides they're also well aware of the hotheaded nature of the younger ones and they're aware of the dislike Black and Potter have for you. They're not likely to make any rash moves based solely on claims from the younger set." He narrowed his eyes and grimaced. "The one I am most worried about... I think may be jumping at shadows by being cautious. I plan on feeling him out soon and I think he may well be of use to us. I believe that particular area is controllable." He gave a wry half-smile and arched an eyebrow. "You're a little too wound up in this emotionally, Severus. Yes, you were probably a touch foolish to actually tell Lily but..." He snorted and shook his head. "It's been said that 'Love makes of the wisest man a fool'. I know you love Lily and I know you care for Agnes but... I can't help but think that it might be for the best that some distance grows between you and them. It's safer for them but equally as important, it's safer for you. They can't be used as tools against you." He reached out and patted Severus' hand, a look of kindness and sympathy on his face. "I know that I seem to be condemning you to a terribly lonely life and I hate doing it but in many ways you need to become an... impregnable fortress. If Voldemort believes that you are completely devoted to the cause, he's more likely to trust you." Severus was silent for a long time. He knew that Aberforth was right. He knew he was too emotional about Lily and Agnes. He did love Lily, and he cared about Agnes, and he'd tried to cover up those feelings, but they continued to exist and he didn't know how to turn them off. The only way he could do it was to not speak to either of them, and the idea of life without the small conversations with either of them or laughter over silly things was depressing. Wasn't it this thought that had kept him in bed for most of the first part of the week? "I don't know how," he admitted in a whisper. "How do I keep my emotion out of it? What do I do if, or not even if, but when I end up facing one or the other of them in battle again? How do I fight them? Agnes almost died," he said. "I was only trying to keep her out of the way, but with the other Death Eater there I couldn't control what he did. And he used sectumsempra on her, and if she hadn't been found immediately by a healer she would have bled out so quickly and she would have been gone. And I saw her get found, so I was able to walk away, but I honestly don't know if I could have otherwise," he swallowed. "Abe, I don't know if I could have walked away. I can close things off, and not look and not think about what my actions mean. I did hurt her, and a couple of the hexes were even fairly painful ones, but they would not have permanently damaged her and they would not have done more than cause her extreme pain for a day. I did them purposefully because there was another Death Eater standing there and they were convincing without permanently damaging her. I've lived my whole life compartmentalising things. I try to not kill people if it's not required absolutely, I can do it if there's no way out. But Agnes and Lily. I can't- I couldn't. I've closed off so much, there are so few people that I care deeply about, but they keep getting hurt. And I couldn't raise my wand and kill them. And I couldn't stand by and watch someone else do so either." He sighed, and stopped. Severus liked long periods of quiet time without people around. He didn't want to be surrounded by people constantly, he just didn't want to be completely alone either. Keeping all of his Death Eater friends at arm length had been easy enough so long as he had not been emotionally distraught, but it had fallen apart this week. This week he had displayed weakness in front of all of them. But he thought he needed to not allow them to see those breakdowns. No one ever saw Mr Lestrange have emotional breakdowns. And even were Demetrius right, and he was one of the strongest able among the younger Death Eaters, he could not risk disillusioning anyone of that opinion. "I'm used to being alone," he said finally. "But I don't always want to be. It gets-" well, lonely was obvious. "It's too quiet." "I fell apart this week," he admitted. "I didn't say anything about why; and nobody is suspicious they are merely concerned. They don't know why I am upset, they only care that I recover." which made everything more difficult, really. "They aren't monsters," he said. "Agnes, Lily, they all seem to have compartmentalised the world into the "good" people and the Death Eaters, and the Death Eaters are automatically monsters. And I won't deny that some of us probably are, but my friends this week? They were at my house every night. They were feeding my cat, and bringing me potions, and making certain that I ate, when I didn't want to even live. And I feel guilty for being here, especially when I can't help feeling that if it were up to them, it wouldn't have mattered about Astra - they're only doing what they know and just because they are not brave enough or thoughtful enough to think through the hypocrisy of it all does not make them evil. Lily does not understand why, but I did feel like I belonged. I-" he struggled for a moment. "Sometimes I still do, because they were my friends before we were Death Eaters together. Sometimes I am not certain that I do not belong there more than I belong here. And my friends are evil because they murder, and yet they would readily overlook Black's attempt-" He stopped. This was not the point. It was not the topic of conversation. |