Severus Snape is tired of the lies. (fortiscadere) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-09-14 14:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1979-09] september, lily potter (née evans), severus snape |
RP Log: Severus Snape & Lily Potter
Who: Lily Potter & Severus Snape
When: 14 September 1979; Late afternoon
Where: Her room at St. Mungo's
What: Severus has to face up to the decisions he's made to the one person he'd really rather not face up to them in front of.
Rating: PG-13 (Language, and epic sadness, mainly
Status: COMPLETE.
Severus Snape stared at his journal for moments that felt like hours. He hadn't expected this, had he? The past twelve hours had been spent sleeping, thinking of Agnes, and brewing potions that he probably did not even need to brew, and he had never once considered the idea that Lily would contact him this way. That in giving away the damn tunnel - even though it had not been his choice to do so - would give him away to Potter and Black, and therefore to Lily. He dressed automatically, changing his robes only because the ones he currently was wearing he had been brewing potions in and he knew they smelled, and he didn't want to do anything to draw unneeded attention to himself. She'd asked if he was afraid to be seen with her. Truthfully? It was likely not the smartest thing he'd ever done. But he couldn't confirm everything over a journal with ink and parchment as if he were a coward who could not tell her the truth about what he was and the alliances he'd made. Would she turn him in? Did she have any proof if she did decide to turn him in? Severus frowned as he reached for the traveling cloak beside the door. It was Lily. He would never do anything purposefully to put her in danger. But she had married Potter, hadn't she? She had betrayed him in her choices of friends before, and it was entirely possible, he thought to himself, that he was walking into a trap. On the other hand, he had suggested it - not her. And Lily wouldn't do that to him. At least, he didn't think she would. His wand and his journal slid into the traveling cloak, he scooped up two bottles of freshly made pain potion and slid them into the cloak as well. That done, he thought for a moment. How to travel there? He did not wish to reopen his wounds, and it hurt like hell to move very quickly. He had used the Floo to travel home last night and had ended up repairing the deep gauge on his abdomen before he'd gone to bed. He'd originally been able to Apparate to Demetrius' and would possibly have been able to do so to come home as well, but he wasn't certain he wished to risk it - not considering the large quantities of pain killing potion he'd consumed earlier so that he was able to work or do anything today. (Not for the first time, Severus had been thankful that making potions was often a relatively sedentary task, because lying in bed all day without anything to do while he allowed his wounds to heal would have driven him absolutely insane.) In the end he reached for the battered broomstick from the closet. It would take longer, and it would be colder, probably neither one something that was healthy in the long term, but in the short term it would keep him from arriving at Mungo's with his wounds bleeding out, and as he had no good excuse for such a thing, it was not an event he particularly wished to have happen. Whom would he be likely to run into at St. Mungo's? Dolohov? But he was ill, Barty had said as much. And Barty as well, but Severus thought that if he knew Barty, the younger boy would hover nearby Antonin's room as much as possible for as muchas he could get away with doing without garnering suspicion. In the end, he had been commanded to get information from the Order hadn't he? He put his hand on the doorknob and opened it and closed it firmly behind him after stepping out on the front stoop of Spinner's End. So if worse came to worse, he could simply tell a version of the truth. That he'd been suspected of being there last night, and he was going to try to convince the individual otherwise, otherwise no one among the vigilantes would be likely to give him information, would they? It was not necessarily the sharpest excuse in the book, and there were holes in it, if someone were to prod it deeply, but Severus had been there last night and had fought alongside everyone, and other Death Eaters had seen him hexing vigilantes, so why should they have any reason to doubt his version of the truth? It was a lengthy travel to London via broom and Severus had more time to think through what he was going to say to Lily than he ever wanted. By the time he could see the London skyline in front of him he wished that he had simply risked Apparating for not only was he no closer to knowing what he could or should say, he had a nervous knot in the pit of his stomach that he knew had nothing to do with the wound Lupin had blessed him with the night before. He was numb and not just from the cold although his fingers had a difficult time moving as he dismounted. He used his wand to shrink the broom, putting it inside his robe pocket, and then walked around to the visitor's entrance, stepping through the lobby as if he knew precisely where he was going, and keeping his eyes open for anyone who might see him that he really did not wish to see. He arrived at the room Lily had said was hers without much incident, and as he had taken great care to look as if he had purpose none of the healers had stopped him. He hesitated for the space of a heartbeat outside her door and then setting his jaw and squaring his shoulders back he took a deep breath and turned the corner to enter her room. Lily felt weight after weight upon her. She was exhausted, worn out, and it hurt to even breathe. She wanted to be with her husband, or Marlene, or even Beth. Someone. She felt all alone in the cold, white room. Healers came filing past an in. She tended to hide her journal whenever they approached her. It would do no good for her if they took it away, fearing that she'd overwork herself. There was a chance she would -- but Lily was more afraid that she'd panic without having it at her side. She needed to know what was going on, needed to be there to speak with James, needed to have some form of communication with him. All that she had spoken about with Sirius had her aching as well. She didn't have much family left. Petunia didn't want to be counted. She had James, Mrs. P, Sirius -- and now she'd adopted Marlene as her sister. They were her family, and without them -- what would she do? She needed them all. Remembering how James had told her that Severus must have given away the location made her right fist tighten up again. Her entire left arm had been immobilised so that she wouldn't chance moving it. It was wrapped up, all the way to around her neck so that she would stay still and not risk her shoulder shattering further. The potions were still working and it would be another night at the very least before they would allow her to test her mobility. They also had given her potion to keep her from moving her abdomen. The medicinal potions were working, they said, but she couldn't feel much changing. The good news was that unless she moved -- or cried -- the pain was just a dull roar. Lily's face was also cut-- she could feel that, but they hadn't shown her a mirror. She also knew that her hair had been blasted. Better her hair than her face. She had narrowly missed that. Perhaps she would have been dead. Still, the red hair felt awkward against her cheek and she could still smell a slightly smokiness in it. Severus had said he was going to come, and Lily periodically looked at the door as though she expected him to sneak up on her. She hadn't talked to him in several days after he'd confessed his love to her. What had he wanted her to say? What could she say? She was a married woman and she loved her husband completely. Severus had known she was a married woman for over a year. Why did he have to do that to her? If he wanted to be her friend... She closed her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh. Why, Sev? She thought. Why did you do it... So he hadn't wanted to say? How could she believe that? Her husband had almost died. And James had saved his life in that tunnel. Lily felt another wave of raw emotion. What if she'd lost James? She bit her lip, trying to keep from crying. She needed to collect herself -- in case he came. Lily hated crying in front of people. As she drew her tears back in, she heard a soft step outside her door and looked up, a pang going up her neck as she did. She held back the wince. "Sev--erus," she said, and her hesitation wasn't just because of the pain. She wasn't sure what to call him now. Who was he to her? Would he ever be her friend? "So you did come," she said, fighting back a wave of emotion she didn't want. Lily replaced her fear with anger. "I wasn't sure you could face me." It might not be the right way to start the conversation, but Lily needed to find her strength somehow. Severus had prepared himself for her to be injured, but he hadn't been prepared for how injured she actually was. His eyes swept over the room, and over her and he stood for a moment awkwardly just inside the doorway, her words stung. It wasn't as if he wanted to have this conversation with her ever, but in its own way it was almost a relief to just have it done with and whatever would be from it... well... it would be. He glanced back at the door he'd just stepped through. "Do you mind if I close it?" He asked quietly. What they were going to discuss wasn't the sort of thing he wanted overheard by anyone. He didn't even really want it overheard by her, but there would not be much getting around the necessity of her hearing it. "There's muffliato, but..." he trailed off glancing up to cautiously meet her eyes. Lily felts tears welling up in her eyes. What she wanted was for him to yell back, but he wasn't, and another wave of saddness hit her. She turned her face, trying to hide the fact that she was crying. She also tried to lift her hand up to cover her face, but it was difficult to move and she winced unintentionally. "Go ahead-" she said, looking the other way until her tears tried up. She hoped that would be soon. "And do muffliato." She closed her eyes, trying to not take too deep of a breath. Severus closed it, he was moving more gingerly than he normally would have been moving, and had enough pain potions in him that he honestly hoped he could think clearly enough to not make a complete idiot of himself. It latched satisfyingly and he turned around again, this time taking his wand out of the cloak and casting muffliato just loudly enough that Lily could hear it, and he could be certain that it would work. He did not wish to risk the fact that the spell might not be cast correctly considering his current state of mind. He crossed the floor and sat down in the chair next to Lily's bed, not quite keeping a wince off his face as he did so. Damn Lupin and his damn spells, Severus thought irritably, although he knew it was a bit hypocritical as he'd been doing everything he could to injure Lupin as well. At this point he was only glad that he'd had nothing to do with Potter's wounds - not really. He didn't think he could have gone through with this if he had. He let his breath out carefully, and glanced up at her. "Look," he said finally. He still had no idea how to say this. "I know you're not going to understand and I don't blame you for that. And I know I have no right to ask anything of you right now," he swallowed, his dark eyes looked at her and he wanted to hex someone. Whichever one of his colleagues had put her in this condition - it wasn't fair. And he hated it. "But I'm not a coward, and I'm not going to run away from talking to you in person. Even if you hate me now, I owe you that much. And even if you turn me in at the end of it all, I-" he faltered. She didn't have any proof. It would be her word against his, which did not mean that it couldn't happen. He was risking a lot, he thought as he glanced down at the floor. It was honestly one of the most foolish things he'd done in months. "Yes, I told. I didn't mean to, but it amounts to the same thing, doesn't it?" His words were somewhat bitter, he was sick and tired of things that had been pulled out of his head by the Dark Lord hurting the people he cared about so badly. So far Agnes, Lily, and Aberforth had all been injured one way or another because he hadn't been able to block the Dark Lord from his mind. "So intentions, I suppose, do not matter in the end. And I'm tired of lying to you," he added slowly. "And probably there's going to be shit to pay because of that, but I'm tired of it. And plausible deniability only goes so far, in the end." Lily turned and looked at him, looking straight into his dark eyes. It hurt to look at him like that, and to know that he had been lying at her. She wanted to scream at him, but she couldn't. She wanted to cry but, dammit, she wasn't going to let herself. "Why?" she asked. "Why, Severus? Don't you know--" her voice went higher and she closed her eyes, her free hand trembling. "You are worth so much better than all of this?" She choked back her tears and turned her face away for another moment, took a shallow breath and turned back to face him, to look right into his eyes. "Is this what you want?" Merlin. Any other question and Severus could have tried to answer it. What he wanted? He'd been through what he wanted so many times in his mind over the summer that he knew that what he had now, who he was now, was not what he wanted. But could he tell her that? could he risk... The Slytherin in him said to tell her the truth. It could be played off as a manipulation should anyone from the other side find out. He glanced down at the floor trying to decide what to tell her and how much. He trusted Lily. But he knew it was likely that whatever he told her she would tell Potter and he wasn't certain he trusted Potter with any of this. Sure, he'd not told anyone when Severus had warned Lily earlier, but that had been before he'd been beaten to a pulp by Death Eaters. "You wouldn't understand even if I could explain it to you," he finally said. "And you wouldn't like some of the reasons," he added. "The simple explanation is that I felt comfortable with my friends." He didn't particularly like what that made him look like, but there was a certain amount of truth to it. "And there were opportunities there, I didn't think I had elsewhere. And do I like it? Is this what I want?" He shifted in the chair, wincing again at the movement. "What I want is so far from reality that it is hardly recognizable. Is this what I want? No. Do I want a war? Do I want to feel as if I'm split down the center all the fucking time? No. Do I have a lot of choices right now? Not particularly. And that black and white world you exist in, Lily, it's not even an option for me. It never has been. And right now it certainly isn't. And I don't know what that means for our friendship. And I know that I embarrassed you the other night, and hell, I embarrassed myself, and I'm sorry for that. And I know that you're Potter's and I respect that - I do. I just don't know how to answer why to you. Because it's not simple and I'm not certain I'm even aware enough of all the reasons to tell them to someone else. I just know that for once in my life I felt like I belonged somewhere. And that was a lifetime ago. And it was before all of this." And if I had it to do over again... He felt as if everything he was saying was weak. He knew that it would be weak to her. Somehow Lily had always had the ability to make him feel about as large as an ant. That his logic and carefully thought out rationalisations were in actuality sand, sliding through his fingers and impossible to build anything on. "Belonged-- the first time you belonged somewhere?" Lily's eyes narrowed, which was good, as it kept tears from leaking out. She took another shallow breath. Lily didn't know what to say to him. She half wanted him here until she could talk him out of being a Death Eater, and she half wanted to slap him and tell him to leave her alone forever. She was so angry. "If you belong there, then why are you here?" she asked him. "Because you don't belong with them if you can't hate me." Her voice was bitter, angry, and her eyes only went more narrow. Severus glanced up at her not bothering to mask the pain in his eyes. "Yes, Lily, belonged," he emphasised the word to her. "And if you can't figure that one out, then you're not as intelligent as I usually give you credit for," he looked up at her. How could she even ask? After she'd deserted him to go off with Black and Potter and even after she and Potter had started dating, Severus still had to watch his step around them. And Black had tried to kill him, and she had the nerve to question that? "And again with the black and white. If I'm there I can't be here. If I belong with them, I can't care about you!" He stood up, definitely more suddenly than he should have and he winced rather visibly as his entire body protested the movement. He glanced down at his leg hoping he had not torn it open again. He looked at her. "I could never hate you Lily. And does that mean I can't completely belong with them? Maybe." He swallowed. "I don't have all the fucking answers. Sometimes I'm not even certain I know the questions. And I'm figuring things out as I go. And sometimes I'm making mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes are huge. But I'm not the only one who has made mistakes. Not by a long shot. I know that doesn't excuse the things I've done or the choices I've made. I know that. I just-" he stopped, his voice felt as if it might betray him, and he wasn't going to cry in front of her. "Maybe I shouldn't have come here," he said finally. He wondered if the potions were finally beginning to wear off. She grit her teeth. If he was saying that maybe he shouldn't come here, she knew that she would soon lose her chance to have him say it to her face, and she needed that. "Severus," she said, looking at him. Her eyes were watering and she fought the tears back. "I want you to say it. Tell me. Tell me exactly what you are. I have to hear you say it." Severus looked up at her, his dark eyes looking straight into her green ones, and he could see the tears at the edge of them, and it made him feel sick to his stomach that he was the one that had caused those tears. She cared, at least. She wouldn't be crying if she didn't care, but it didn't matter, did it? If he said the words out loud, it would change everything between them. And he couldn't give her answers that would make a difference. He couldn't talk to her like he had talked to Aberforth, and everything was so completely fucked up because of it. At that moment he wanted nothing more than to be able to tell her that he was sorry. That he'd made a mistake. That he was going to not be fighting against her again. That she meant everything in the world to him and he hated that he'd caused her any pain, even if that pain was Potter. Instead he took a deep, shaky breath. "What difference does it make? What difference if I tell you or if you just know? I'm a Death Eater, Lily. I made that choice, you made yours. In another lifetime maybe we wouldn't be pitted against each other like we are, but we're standing on opposite sides of a line that's been drawn in the sand, aren't we? And it doesn't change how I feel about you. But I understand if it changes how you feel about me. And I'm sorry," he added. Although he did not even know what he was sorry for. He should not have come. He should have simply told her in the journals and ran away like a coward. It would have been the more Slytherin thing to do, he supposed. And what the heck he was doing here, foolishly telling her these things, like a reckless Gryffindor... Even if she had known, that didn't diminish the pain. Lily felt like he had just stabbed her right in the heart. The tears spilled over the edges of her eyes and down her cheek. She couldn't even move her arm high enough to wipe them, and she certainly couldn't shrug her should up to wipe them down. She tried to set her mouth in a firm line. Lily knew what she had to do. It hurt more than anything had ever hurt in her life. The pain she felt in fifth year didn't even begin to compare. She knew what she had to do now. She had only thought she understood before. But now, with deaths behind her, with all that she knew-- She had hoped that once he saw the world he would change his mind. Once he saw what happened when he decided to follow those who were the enemies of anyone of less than pure blood, people who would have been his enemies in a heartbeat. How could he not see that he was on the wrong road? It hurt Lily's mind to try and understand it. She reached out to touch him, looking at him for a moment. She needed this for herself. "Severus," she whispered. Severus watched her, afraid of what she would say next. It wasn't as if this were a surprise particularly. After all, hadn't she accused him of it for years? He'd only tried to tell her that he wasn't because he'd know how much it would hurt her, and he could see from her tears that he had not been wrong. As she lifted her hand, he stepped closer to her. On the table there were cloths - unused bandages, perhaps - and he reached for one, and tentatively reached it to her cheek, drying them off without making mention of the tears. Lily never had liked to cry in front of people, and he was certain that small bit of her had not changed. He didn't stop looking at her, and he reached his hand to hers, sliding it into hers for a moment. Merlin how had he ended up here? What had possessed him to think that he'd be able to keep her away from any of this? He couldn't protect her, no matter how much he wanted to. And regardless of how hard he tried, she still ended up hurting. And he swallowed. "What, Lils?" His own voice was barely above a whisper. His lips felt dry and he licked them to moisten them slightly. She closed her eyes when he wiped her cheeks. She hated to cry in front of him. She hated to cry in front of everyone. The frustration of not being able to control even that part of herself was enough to cause more tears to threaten to come. "I thought you'd change your mind," she said, hardly able to speak. That's why she had spoken to him again, wasn't it? Her heart was beating furiously and she had a huge headache from thinking through this. "Severus, I thought you'd change your mind." Another tear slid down her cheek and after giving his hand a slight squeeze she removed her own hand. "I wanted you to. But I can't do this. I can't split my heart up like that. I can't support what you are doing. You know I can't." Lily closed her eyes. It had felt so easy at that moment in fifth year. Why was it harder now? It should have been easier. "You chose your path," she said. "And no matter what I do, no matter what I say, you're going to stay on it." Lily slowly opened her eyes. She had made him say that he was a Death Eater while looking at her. She owed this to him. "And I can't be friends with you, I can't talk with you and pretend like everything is fine, not if you're on that path. I can't." Her voice cracked, and she closed her eyes again. "I wish you could choose another way, but I can't make you. I can't." Right now it felt like there was nothing she could do. Severus didn't know what to say. He felt like his life kept crumbling around him and he didn't have anyone to blame but himself. He'd made the choice. He'd chosen to do this and it was going to cost him Lily... But then, she had never been his to lose. She had never been his. He stepped back from the bed, crossing his arms over his chest as if in so doing he could somehow protect himself from the pain that felt as if it were going to rip him in two. The words hurt more than the wounds from the hexes had done, as if Lily had cast a gauging hex into his heart. And he wanted to tell her that he was sorry. That he wanted to help. That Aberforth believed he could do something right but he wasn't certain he could trust her not to say anything. And he didn't even know, right then, that he could have explained it. It was too complicated. "I'm sorry," he whispered between cracked lips. He couldn't look her in the eye any longer. If he did, he wasn't certain he could keep his own tears back, and he would not cry. He could not show her how much she'd hurt him: How much she always hurt him. He shrugged, and a sharp intake of breath was the only clue that he was fighting back tears, fighting back telling her things he should not and could not tell her, and the feeling that he was losing half of himself. He swallowed and stepped away from the bed again. He needed to leave. He needed to be out of the room before it all fell to pieces. As he did so he realised that he'd brought her potions. Potions she probably didn't need because she was sitting in St. Mungo's wasn't she? But maybe somebody could use them... if she would even take them from him. "I, uh," he stopped, still not meeting her eyes, he withdrew the two bottles from his traveling cloak and crossed to sat them down on the table. "I brewed these earlier. I- for work- and there was a lot of extra. If you," need them. He swallowed hard and stepped back again. Merlin, she could reduce him to nothing, so fast. And he had to get out of there. He had to get home. And dammit, he would Apparate if he had to, because he couldn't imagine trying to fly home. And if he splinched himself he splinched himself. He was almost to the door now and he stopped and looked back at her. Lily couldn't look at him, she couldn't. Her sheer nerve and arrogance of her fifth year was somewhat gone. She had so few people left, and she wanted Severus to be there, working with her, not against her. Everything was crashing around her and she had one less person she could go to, or trust, or even just try to laugh with. He was someone who remembered her mother's cooking, who had made faces at Petunia with her, the very one who had told her she was a witch. Severus was her history, and by being a Death Eater he would have to stay in her past. She wanted to say goodbye, but she couldn't. Lily turned her face to watch him walk out of the door, and when he stopped, she looked right into his eyes, pleading him to change his mind. Her own mind was set. Severus couldn't hold her gaze and he looked away. He couldn't say good bye to her, but he knew she wouldn't talk to him. She wouldn't ask him things. They were effectively saying goodbye until the war was over, assuming that they both survived it to speak at the end. And maybe even then... It was just as well perhaps. She was a weakness, and he knew it and he loved her so much, but he could never make her see it and it only constantly ached. He pulled his cloak around him, and taking out his wand he lifted the spell before he opened the door. Severus hesitated, his hand on the door, his back to her, but there was nothing he could say and if he stayed he was only going to fall to pieces. And he knew then that there was one thing left to be said, the only thing that could be said, really and he turned back, his head looking more at her feet in the bed than her eyes. "Be safe, Lils. Please," and I love you. He looked up at her eyes for an instant, trying to tell her without words how much she meant to him in spite of all of this. And that was really it, he thought. He turned on his heel and opened the door, leaving it open as he left Lily's room. He could not think about if he would ever see her again or if they would ever talk. He simply could not think. |