WHO: Remus & Severus WHAT: Admitting some feelings WHEN: New Years WHERE: Burrow RATING: PG
Severus had not intended on going out on New Year's, but staying in had held little appeal in comparison to the prospect of spending time with the only people he considered family: Lily (though that meant tolerating James), Remus (though that meant tolerating Sirius), and Draco. If everyone had gathered at the Burrow, then to the Burrow Severus would go, ignoring the sleet that meant New Year's Eve had dawned grey and cold in England. He was now ignoring both weather and the party itself, hiding again in the study, for reasons he could not discern. Perhaps it was because there was a crush of people, and Severus had never done well with crowds. Perhaps it was merely because he felt the overwhelming sense of family in those rooms and felt once again that he did not belong, could not belong. Or maybe it was just that his head hurt a little from the noise. He didn't intend to slip away for long, actually.
The momentary solitude he'd sought was broken when he stirred himself to brave the din once more and went out into the hallway. It was then that he saw Remus, undoubtedly coming to find him. Severus froze, as a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Remus," he acknowledged.
"Severus." Remus smiled brightly. He had been searching out Severus but he'd have been quite abashed to think the man realized such. "The boys nearly had a row, but they seem to have worked it out." He shook his head and a smirk overtook his lips. "We try to let them work it out, but it's hard when you see it brewing, you know?" He rested a hand at Snape's arm. "Glad you could make it though." He had probably said that at least once already, but…
Severus didn't flush, but he did offer a rather idiotic (in his view) half smile at the gesture. "I would not have missed it," he said, and then added, "Draco would have been very disappointed. And I dare say you could have used the company?" The latter was offered with a teasing lilt.
"Me? Left out? When doe that ever happen, Sev?" He couldn't even master a straight face for more than three seconds. "Merlin, when Sirius is near, even Harry's crawling all over him. I'm telling you, I should disown the boys." Even as he said it, the pride in his eyes betrayed his true sentiment.
"You have too much of an attachment to do that," Severus returned. He wasn't entirely wrong, either. "And they may fawn over Sirius but who is the one that they actually listen to?"
"Now, now, Draco's come to realize Sirius is good for a time-out. Harry, now…" Remus shook his head, laughing. "I can't even imagine Harry's face if Sirius tried! Funny too considering Draco nearly quakes when Lily decides he's been naughty." Remus ran a hand through his graying hair and allowed his eyes to meet Severus'. He dreamed about those eyes…
Severus didn't consider much about Remus' appearance; rather, the toll his transformations had taken on him. True, Remus no longer fully had a head of dark hair, but what of that? Severus was lucky if he let Lily bully him into a hair cut once a year. He knew full well his own appearance was less than attractive. At least Remus' face made up for it - the joy in those eyes, the evenness of features. Remus had a face made to keep, to know laughter and love and not sorrow. It was an inquisitive face, something which Severus had disliked over the years, and then grown accustomed to. Remus had never hurt him - not intentionally. And perhaps that was the source of the odd feeling that twisted his stomach whenever Remus was near. "Lily would make a grown man quake," he replied, something fond in his face. He'd become resignedly amused by that part of the woman he'd come to think of as a best friend.
As Remus thought of the fiery female that lived up to her hair color, he laughed harder. "Oh, Sev, don't let her hear you! I swear she thinks she has access to anyone's bum for a smacking." Barely keeping the wicked grin from his face, he added, "In fact, I think I have fallen victim to that temper." Yet, even as he spoke the words, nothing but affection was evident. For all her telling off, Lily was an amazing woman who would sooner cut off her own arm than hurt an innocent.
"More than once, undoubtedly," Severus said dryly. "Lily does not stint when she's angry." But he loved her. Always had. He patted Remus on the arm. "It's all right, I won't tell if you won't," he assured.
Remus warmed as Severus touched him. It was such a little thing, but it meant so much to Remus. He felt so silly, but he just couldn't stop his emotions from bubbling over. "Draco's lucky to have her for an auntie and we're lucky to have her 'round when we have bloody idea what to do with him." It wasn't lost on him that Severus had cracked a joke either. Oh, but they were mates! Remus chided himself as, really, mates did those things. It didn't mean a thing. Everyone knew Severus had loved Lily; therefore he was heterosexual and Remus was a sodden git.
"He's not that bad." The response was very nearly automatic, where Draco was concerned. "He can be a handful, though," Severus admitted. "I myself admit that I have never disciplined him, so I am at somewhat of a loss when he misbehaves. I -- I couldn't bear to." If any of his students had heard that admission, they might have dropped dead of shock. Severus Snape, not only stinting on a punishment, but refusing to issue one at all because it hurt? But that was just how much Draco meant to him. How much the body next to his meant, he couldn't say as clearly, but it meant something more than he'd intended it to, for his fingers seemed warmer when they touched Remus' arm.
"Not bad at all," Remus corrected, his own protectiveness evident in his tone though further thoughts flew out of his mind at Severus' confession. "It does hurt, doesn't it? But…" He looked carefully at his friend. "How do you get him to obey when he gets into a fit?" He was certainly interested if it meant a lack of tears for Draco.
Severus' mouth twitched. "I stare at him."
And speaking of staring…Remus looked at the bloke like he had grown an extra set of lips. "Excuse me?"
Severus nodded solemnly. "I've been told I have a rather intimidating stare," he explained. "So I'm afraid I've always abused that. It sort of does the trick without me having to either yell or punish him. And after he calms a bit, we talk and I explain whether he can or cannot have what he wants."
"I want that stare!" Yet, surely, they both knew Remus would never be able to pull such a thing off. "Though, honestly, Sev, I've NO idea what look you are referring to…" He winked at his companion all the while his eyes danced with mirth.
"Oh don't you?" Severus lifted a brow and looked at Remus with that stare, the one which calculated the viewed to be of less than zero intelligence. It dissolved into mirth, black eyes snapping with it.
"See? Knew you liked me," Remus taunted. "I see it. You want to smile…"
Severus shook his head. "I never smile," he offered loftily. "You know that, Remus." As to the earlier comment? Severus could not admit there was something there, even if he was only now realising it himself. Maybe it always had been there; Remus was enough like Lily that Severus would have been attracted to him anyway - there was a sense of lightness about Remus, a desire for happiness, that had drawn him to Lily in the first place. But Remus had also known sadness in a greater way than Lily ever could. His life had been tempered by so much pain and suffering that, once Severus had seen past the Marauders, he had started to empathize with the quiet boy and his desire to know, and to share that knowledge. Perhaps Severus had never been any great shakes as a teacher - but he certainly could understand those who were. Remus was one. He held the compassion and the strength to do that.
Though it wasn't necessarily either quality Severus kept glancing at.
"You should. You deserve to." Remus cleared his throat as the conversation turned serious. "I…" He blinked as he heard Draco calling for 'Daddy and Papa' and Harry yelling after his mother…"It's almost midnight."
Severus had little desire to watch James and Lily kiss, or any of the other couples at the gathering. "I believe I should go then," he said, not thinking about Draco at that moment, but rather his own selfish wants and needs. For once - he had put those feelings aside during the war and had been barely conscious of them ever since. Emotions did not make one a potions master, nor a survivor. And yet - You deserve to.
Do I? If I did, you-- Severus refused to dwell on that thought, shaking his head.
"No…" A look over his shoulder and into the other room showed Draco snuggled into Sirius' arms and counting down. "He's with Sirius and the others are…" Five, four, three… He had grabbed Severus' arm the moment he made to leave and hadn't let go. Two, one… Remus heard the chorus of Happy New Years and, more impulsively than he had done anything in his life, threw his arms around Severus. "Happy New Year, mate." He kissed his cheek in what was meant to be no more than a brotherly peck, but the moment Severus' head turned (whether in surprise or want Remus would never know) Remus let their lips meet.
Perhaps it was both; he was so taken by surprise to have another adult body coming deliberately in contact with his that he twisted automatically. But as Remus' actions sank in, Severus found himself responding in a way that he hadn't expected but had wanted. If Remus had said he deserved to smile more, then surely he could have guessed what would be necessary to make that happen.
Severus did not recoil automatically, but neither did he advance the kiss: he just let his lips touch Remus', savouring that soft feeling. And it was Remus -
The thought eventually did make him take a step back, hesitating. "I---"
"I'm sorry. I…" Godric, he was an arse. A first rate arse at that. He reached behind him to shut the door. Hell, what if the children saw? How stupid and selfish had he acted. "I know. I…here I took advantage of your understanding and…" Tears pricked at his eyes. Oh, for Merlin's sake, he couldn't cry! "I'm just sorry. So sorry."
Severus took another second to catch his breath and organise his thoughts. "Don't be daft," he said impatiently. "What understanding? I---" He stopped abruptly, looking at Remus again with a puzzled expression. "You -- you don't mean you --"
Now it was Remus' turn to stare at Severus in bewilderment. "I what?"
Years ago, Severus would have immediately accused Remus of some elaborate prank, usually at the instigation of Sirius and James. But he knew better now; Remus wasn't that cruel. "You meant that," he said slowly. "You said you took advantage of my understanding. Does that mean you -- wanted to kiss me?"
Remus' cheeks burned in humiliation and that time the tears really did fill his eyes. He blinked them back, but surely Severus saw and…and thought Remus a bloody fool. He ducked his head and bit his lip. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I understand if you never want to see me again…"
Severus had only twice cried in the last twenty years; he was accustomed to students doing it. Draco had done it when he was younger - and occasionally still did it now. But Remus? "Remus," he said, more sternly than he meant to. "Don't be daft. That--I---" Oh hell. He wasn't coherent enough for this.
So he simply reciprocated the gesture, leaning forward and capturing Remus' mouth with his own, trying to give back in physical sensation what he could not say.
Well that wasn't expected. Remus didn't respond at first, but within seconds, his mouth found its rhythm with Severus'. It felt warmer that Remus had imagined and he let his arms wrap Severus close. "The children," he muttered, "We should…"
Severus' response to that was a rather crude directive about where children could go, though perhaps not nearly as blasphemous or crude as he could have been if he were actually trying. At the moment, he was focused on warm, rather than on cognitive thought. He'd somehow guessed that Remus would be warm, hadn't he, except maybe he'd never let himself believe it, because it seemed to be too cruel to be denied that warmth twice. But he did stop, after a moment, if only to look at Remus' eyes and wonder if this was really happening. He lifted a tentative hand to stroke Remus' cheek, unable to stop himself from doing so. "You have a most peculiar way of displaying your interest in someone," Severus informed him.
He was touching him. He was really touching him. "I've always been peculiar," Remus reminded him with a smile. Merlin, Sirius and James would murder him. But…"Would it be terribly presumptuous to ask to spend the night at your place?"
Severus hesitated, and then shook his head. "No, it wouldn't be," he answered, offering Remus a half-smile. "If you don't mind the mess, of course."
"Not at all. I just…this is warm and with today being what it is…" Remus hoped Severus understood that he didn't want to be left alone. "If it's a put out…"
Severus would have understood, if he was thinking of it. As it was, he was merely focused on how nice it was, standing there with someone to hold him back, for once. "Remus," he stated. "Shut up. You're more than welcome, and you know it."
Did he? Oh, he did. That kiss proved it. "Let's…say goodnight to the others and then…" Oh, blimey. Those lips! Remus snuck a final kiss.
Severus couldn't help it; he chuckled at that against Remus' mouth. "Yes, Remus," he assured, and pulled away. "Come on, you seem to be eager."