WHO: Severus and Remus. WHAT: A conversation during the Christmas 'do at Grimmauld Place. WHERE: Grimmauld Place. WHEN: 24 December. RATING: So very G. Sigh. STATUS: Complete.
For someone who had been reluctant about the whole idea to begin with, Severus was actually enjoying himself, to a degree. He liked watching Draco open presents among the knot of children, blond easy to concentrate on amidst the browns and reds. The punch Aurora had handed him, too, made it somewhat easier to bear, for the cup was nearly half-alcohol, and while Severus never permitted himself more than a single cup, it warmed him. Perhaps too much, in an already warm house, but he enjoyed it nevertheless. It gave his pale face a slight flush, or perhaps that was because every so often he found his eyes following someone else other than his godson; it was never enough to be noticed by anyone else – so he hoped, anyway – but enough for him to notice, and become irritated with himself.
Finally, Severus sought fresh air, leaving the guests in the living room, dining room, and kitchen to meander away, seeking the privacy of the library for a moment’s respite. Christmas had never been his favorite holiday. Tobias Snape had never made it a warm one, much as Eileen had tried – and later, Lily, despite her husband’s impatience with his presence. Severus had preferred to keep the older tradition of the winter solstice, honoring that with an array of candles in his windows which might have surprised the observer had anyone bothered to notice. But for Draco, and Harry and the girls, Severus conceded the necessity of the fat saint in the suit, and of Christmas Eve parties.
He sighed upon entering the library, relieved to find that he was alone for a second, placing his glass upon one of the tables and meandering to the shelves as he often did, unable to resist the lure of fresh reading material. Severus had no intentions of getting lost in a book, but twenty minutes later, he was engrossed in a title, sitting in one of the leather chairs by the window, lost to the world and wholly forgetting that he ought to have been mingling with the other party guests.
Remus had actually always adored Christmas. It was a warm and colorful holiday that let him get caught up in a world that could seem almost friendly then. His only major concern, especially growing up, was that a full moon would spoil the day. Luckily, that hadn't happened so far. It would have been a terrible thing to miss Draco's first Christmas with him and Sirius. Still, the children were happily playing with their presents and all the adults were paired off. Feeling left out, Remus had looked around, wondering where Severus had gone off to. It was then he had thought about the library. He entered quietly, touching Severus' shoulder lightly. "Thought I'd find you here."
Severus was jolted out of the book by the fact that someone had touched him, and he started, realizing it was Remus after a moment and relaxing once more. He set the book down in his lap. “I apologise,” he said, somewhat sheepish at having been caught.
Remus only shook his head, an amused smile curving on his lips. "No need. It did get awfully loud, didn't it?" Remus glanced over at the book, but couldn’t catch the title. "Which one have you got there?"
"Socrates," Severus answered, lifting the book up as if to confirm it. "Not bad for an evening, I should think."
Remus' lips twitched again, but his eyes remained warm, kind, and, maybe most importantly understanding. "Not bad at all." He perched next to Severus, raising his eyebrows. "Your date went off then?"
Aurora had most likely wandered, like himself, to get away from Sirius. He'd known that she had a limited tolerance for children, as it was, but Sirius was the main roadblock. "Undoubtedly, if she's not left entirely. Aurora is very single-minded when she wants to be," he said, finding himself returning the smile unconsciously. It lit up Remus' face, it really did.
Surprise flickered on Remus' face. Granted, he had been shocked to see Severus bringing a date period, but the ease in which Severus dismissed her seemed odd. Remus also didn’t wish to admit the well of envy that had bubbled up in seeing Severus and Aurora show up together. "Low-maintenance date then? Or just a bad one?" Remus knew the question was in poor taste, but something propelled him to ask anyway.
Severus looked back at him, mirroring Remus' surprise. "Aurora? Wait, you--" He rose from his seat, dropping the book on the chair behind him. "No, I-- Aurora is a friend of mine. As a matter of fact, I ended up inviting her mostly because she and Sirius get on as well as I do." An apology flickered on his face. "I am not always as mature as I appear to be, I'm afraid."
At that, Remus smirked. "You seem to forget I've known you as long as Pads and Prongs." He shook his head, sighing albeit in good-nature. "How I haven't killed the lot of you I don't know…" His soft brown eyes searched out Snape's darker ones and when they met, he couldn't deny that idea about 'eyes being the window to the soul.' Certainly Severus was not an easy man. And maybe not even a very nice one in the end of it all, but he was…he was unique and intelligent and braver than Remus could ever be. "So…" Remus knew the feelings bursting within were not just of gratitude as he had pretended before. There was no denying the attraction. "I suppose you won’t be kissing at New Year's then. A pity."
Severus wanted to laugh at the idea, but didn't, merely shook his head so that unruly black hair fell into his eyes. "I'm rather afraid that she and I would be incompatible for kissing," he said dryly. "It's not so much a shame as given fact." They hadn't tried, but then again, neither of them had wanted to. It was how their relationship functioned. Both of them had been bonded over Regulus and his infinite stupidities, which Severus had watched with bleak dread and Aurora scolded as best as she could. But neither of them had been able to stop him, and so were left to one another when he passed. Their relationship had remained exactly that, like two divorced parents leaning on one another after the death of a child. They were emotionally tied and physically separate.
But he preferred to think of only Remus in this moment, eyeing him carefully. "You couldn't kill me, Remus, I'm the only other sane one besides Lily, you know."
Snickering, Remus didn't deny the fact, letting his silence speak volumes. True, he loved Sirius and James as brothers, but they were certainly a handful. "That and I might actually miss these random chats of ours." He found himself glancing down at his lap then. Hell, he wasn't a school boy and this was beyond daft. Severus Snape wasn't gay and even if he was, he wouldn't be into Remus Lupin.
"Would you?" Severus found the question had broken forth from him without his bidding, and he was careful to avert his gaze, retrieving the book and heading back to the shelves to place it in its exact location. Salazar forbid he be accused by Sirius of taking anything - not, he was sure, that Sirius actually read any of these. But it was better to be safe. He did enjoy being there, despite the fact that Grimmauld Place itself was not terribly welcoming. They were slowly starting to change that, though, Draco and Remus. They were starting to make it a home, and not just the place of worship Walburga had wanted it to be.
He didn't forget that it was because of Remus, either. Why was it that blasted man had such a comforting effect on him? It was most unnerving.
Remus looked up in surprise. Not at the question, really, but the tone. Might it actually matter to the cranky old Potions Master? Remus warmed to think it was just that and he nodded. "Of course. I rather miss them when you decide to go weeks without speaking to me." He laughed, showing he was teasing. "So much for rescuing me from the nutty ones."
Severus grew flustered, unable to tell whether or not he ought to be defensive. The response was perplexing to one who was used to being a consummate reader of people's thoughts, as a spy and as a teacher. "I don't go weeks without speaking to you on purpose," he stated stiffly. "It ... I have my work."
Confused at the shift, Remus regarded Severus closely. "I know…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or suggest…I just miss you is all." Oh, Godric, those words had just come out of his mouth, hadn't they? So much for his Ravenclaw tendencies suppressing his Gryffindor ones just then. Idiot.
Miss him? Remus missed him? Draco, perhaps, Lily, even. But very few others actively missed Severus. He had never exactly figured out what made a person missable, per se. Mostly, he knew it had to do with how he was, but he could not help that. His shields had been so ingrained that not even he could drop them at will, except for with certain people he tolerated and even loved, fiercely and without judgment. Draco was one of those people, and Lily was, but ... that had changed when she had married James. Perhaps even before that, if he wanted to be honest. He'd known she would be forever out of reach, and it had forced him to start changing the way he felt about her, making those changes as consciously and deliberately as he could.
But he still allowed himself to miss her, on occasion. Except nobody else ... really missed him.
Merlin, did that even make sense? "I'm not offended. I ... was not -- that is -- I am not sure of how to respond to such a statement. Coming from you, I mean. An adult, that is." Severus felt rather than expressed the grimace which nearly crossed his features. He was babbling like a moron.
Remus blinked several times in confusion. He knew Severus wasn't acting himself and wondered if he had done something wrong. "I…I don't know, really. I suppose, I mean, sometimes the sentiment is returned. Unless it isn't felt. Which is fine, Severus, I don't mean to put you in a spot or…" He trailed off, standing to work off some nervous energy.
Oh, this was going well. Severus took a deep breath, held it for a long second as he regarded Remus, and then exhaled. "What I meant to say," he said, attempting to clarify, "was that I ... am not missed often. By adults. Draco, and Lily, for example, but ... there's really no one else." That felt alarmingly pathetic to admit out loud, and he winced. "I miss you, too," he said, instead of excusing himself from the room as he had intended to do.
And there it was. The words meant more to Remus than he had thought possible and he instinctively stepped closer to the dark man. "I think it's a shame more don't think of you, Severus. Truly."
Severus shrugged at that. He was used to that sort of reaction from people. "People do not always recognize others. I am used to that."
"You shouldn’t have to be," Remus argued, anger flashing in both his eyes and tone. It was an unusually strong reaction coming from him, but he couldn't help it. "You deserve better."
He looked at Remus slightly askance. "Your optimism is nice but somewhat unwarranted. Humanity has always done that, you know."
"I suppose." Remus' face burned in embarrassment. "I don't mean to carry on so."
"You're not carrying on," Severus said gently. "You're being ... you." Which was his way of saying Remus was being nice.
"Annoyingly do-gooder?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of patient," Severus pointed out. "And kind. I realise I can be somewhat ... prickly, at best." The words were grudgingly conceded.
Quirking his brows, Remus couldn't help but chuckle. "A bit, but it's why I enjoy you so, remember."
Severus looked momentarily taken aback by that. "You enjoy that about me? Or was that another joke?"
"What? No…Sev, I…I enjoy you. Are you are." Remus blushed; he couldn't help it.
"You enjoy me." He attempted the words aloud. "I ... you too."
Almost shyly, Remus looked back up. "Yeah?"
"Yes." Severus nodded, hesitating. "I'm glad you invited me."
"If you'd like...maybe we can do something over New Year's? I'm sure Sirius will have plans and...it might be nice to get away."
"I would like that," Severus said, surprising even himself, because he wasn't one for celebrating the holidays with other people. He looked at Remus, and had the sudden thought that he wouldn't have minded. He didn't mind, and it wasn't for Draco or Lily. It was for Remus.
Surprised, but pleasantly so, Remus grinned. "Good, good. I…I'll look forward to it."
"I do too." Severus hesitated, and then added, "Perhaps we can get together again before that, lest I get accused of being unreachable once more." He offered Remus a slight smile at that.
Did Severus just suggest…he had. Remus hadn't imagined it. "Yes, that would be a pity," Remus played along. "You're more than welcome to join us for dinner tomorrow if you like."
"I was thinking something a little more ... without Sirius," Severus stated. "Perhaps you and Draco could join me for lunch tomorrow, instead."
Remus didn't think Sirius would necessarily like that, but…well, the idea of Severus being alone all day was too much for Remus to bear. "I can't promise Draco will be allowed out given the holiday, but…I will definitely come."
"Ah, yes." Given that he had delivered Draco's gift this evening with the strict instruction that it was to be opened tomorrow, not tonight, he ought to have remembered that. "Well, I'm sure you and I will manage to talk about something for an hour or two," Severus remarked.
"We never seem to lack for topics, no," Remus agreed. Though just then he was thinking more about Severus' face and less about stimulating conversation. It fascinated him. The crookedness of the nose gave it such a tale and the eyes…Remus cleared his throat again. "We should…probably get back. Before they wonder…"
"Afraid they'll be spreading gossip about what we're doing?" Severus lifted a brow. "I can assure you, my reputation can stand for most anything. Yours, on the other hand..." He had no idea where the words came from, but perhaps they were born of the gentle banter between them, the familiarity he was finally beginning to relax into.
"What? No, I…I mean they know I'm but not…they don't…of you…" He was stammering, embarrassed by how closely Severus had come to the truth.
Severus had not intended the harm, and felt guilt prickle his conscience. He gave in to instinct, reaching out to touch Remus' arm. "I apologise. That was unnecessary of me. I merely meant to kid you about your haste to get back to the party."
That touch sent a shudder through Remus; he hoped Snape couldn't feel it. "I…no. I'm just needlessly sensitive, I suppose. Don't want to ruin a bachelor's reputation and all."
Severus' mouth twisted, not necessarily bitter, but not all in good humour, either. "A liaison with you would do precious little to my reputation, Remus, I can assure you. A Death Eater mark is enough to ruin me completely. I daresay such a thing would actually be a benefit. Those who know you know what kind of a person you are." And he was running his mouth too much.
Remus went quiet for a moment before laying a gentle hand at his friend's elbow and squeezing. "A mark that means little in the end. It's not your heart, is it?"
"It was, at one point," Severus answered him quietly. He was not going to lie and say it hadn't been - but he hadn't done it for the traditional aims, no. He had wanted power for the sheer sake of being able to be powerful. To join Voldemort's army meant he had a chance to punish those he hated most, and that had tempted him far more than any desires for a pureblood society. "I wanted the power He offered. If it hadn't been for Regulus, for Lily ..." He had seen his comrades die, had begun to wonder why he was a part of this, and then ... that dreadful day of prophecy's revelation had made his heart turn completely against the movement. Against power at the cost of her life. "I was a fool, I know, but at the time, I wasn't thinking clearly." It was no justification. Perhaps there never would be an adequate one. He looked at Remus nonetheless, as if requesting his understanding.
Remus didn't understand that need per se, but he did get the need to belong. Gripping Severus' arm more firmly, he gave the man the exact understanding he needed. "It's still not your heart despite any mistakes you made." Instinctively, Remus then placed both hands on Severus' shoulders, comforting him as he would James or Sirius or Lily or Draco. "I'm proud to call you a friend, Severus Snape."