Who: Remus and Sirius When: Thursday night (late) Where: some house somewhere on some street in London What: A talk a long time in the making Rating: PG-13 for language
In fairness, Sirius knew he was being a royal prat. His attempts to freeze Remus out might have been working, but they were also making life in Number 12 Grimmauld Place absolute hell. He spent his days with Draco while Remus minded the shop, and when his 'friend' returned home, Sirius tended to turn and make way out the door, making some excuse about seeing Harry or going food shopping or needing a good romp around the park. Yes, he was hurting Remus. He could see that just glancing at him. After all, you didn't know someone more than half your life and not know them inside and out.
Well. Maybe not as well as he'd thought. After all, Sirius had always just assumed Remus was too busy for women, or had kept his distance due to the werewolf thing. But a--
No, Sirius wasn't about to let himself think about it. What he did think about, however, was how his behaviour was hurting Draco. The poor little bloke didn't understand, couldn't understand, why his parents were at odds. And as young as he was and as much as he'd gone through, Draco probably thought he was at fault, or that it was the end of his small, new family. Sirius felt terrible, yes, but owning up to his emotions and worries and speaking them out loud wasn't the Black way, and Sirius had snuck the motorbike out that evening instead, after kissing Draco goodnight.
He slipped back in the door, listening carefully in the front hall. The house seemed quiet. All he had to do was make it upstairs and he was home free. But, in feeling his way around in the dark for the staircase, he caught himself over that blasted umbrella stand that Dora always had such trouble with, and heard himself crashing over it before he actually felt the landing that was about to occur.
Sirius was correct in that Remus was incredibly hurt. It had been difficult to own up to his 'strange' feelings after all his years and to have Sirius virtually cease to acknowledge him nearly destroyed every last bit of self-confidence Remus had managed to drum up in recent time. True, Remus had expected some distrust and confusion, but for Sirius to leave him out on the proverbial doorstep was a terrible blow. Making matters worse, of course, was poor little Draco's reaction to the argument. The child had no way of knowing what was happening and Remus hated to think Draco thought the ordeal the end of anything good in his short life. In turn, Remus began to feel angry toward Sirius as well. Sirius could despise him all he wanted, but to hurt Draco? Remus deemed that inexcusable.
As per usual, Sirius had gone out that evening on the blasted motorbike. Remus finished up Draco's bedtime ritual and decided to read and enjoy tea for himself. He could use a small escape from reality. He had heard Sirius entering, but figured he'd go right up to bed. Yet, Remus couldn't ignore the commotion and headed out to see what in Merlin was occurring.
Before their fight, Remus would have laughed at the sight. As it was, he just quirked his brows. "You alright there?"
"Fine," Sirius grumbled, in his typical manner. He didn't even bother trying to get up at first. Not only was he slightly bruised, but his pride was wounded as well. He'd tried so hard to keep up that haughty air around his friend...former friend...whatever. To have it slapped back down in the most embarrassing of ways only made matters worse. Finally, he glared up at the man in front of him and pulled himself to his feet, feeling utterly ridiculous. He paused a moment, waiting to make sure he hadn't woken Draco with all the fuss. Finding that he hadn't, he pushed past Remus unceremoniously and made his way to the kitchen.
Oh, that was it. Fed up, Remus turned on his heel, following the prat. Remus didn't want to leave Draco, but he didn't feel like living in hell either. "You know," he hissed, keeping his voice as low as possible to not awaken Draco, but still filled with force and accusation, "I've done nothing but clean up after you all these years and here I am helping you with that little boy and what do you give me in return? All those things, Sirius, without question, I did them. How dare you act like you are!" It took much to upset Remus, but Sirius had pushed every last button. Every single last one.
His temper had his blood boiling under the surface, but Sirius only looked coolly at the angered man. Cleaning up after him? As if he was some sort of child! He wasn't the one gallavanting around London displaying qualities that were less than savory. "You can quit acting as if I'm forcing you to help with Draco. You love him as much as I do, and you made the choice to move in." And, if Sirius was lucky, he wouldn't prove to be a bad influence over the child. He turned his back on Remus yet again as he reached for a bottle of wine, thought better of it, and chose firewhiskey instead. If they were going to start this, he needed a stiff drink.
Well, no one ever said Sirius didn't have nerve. "I didn't even know the child." Remus grabbed Sirius by the shoulder, not caring if the man took a swing. To hell with always being the bloody glutton. Remus Lupin deserved better. If Sirius Black wasn't the friend he thought, well, then perhaps it was better to know then. "I love him now, yes, but I came here for you, you git. I'm so sorry I don't fit in to who you want me to be. Of all people, I thought you'd understand one can't change who he is." Despite the angry words, Remus' heart pounded. He felt himself starting to sweat and wiped at his brow. His health was much better, but too much exertion wasn't good. At any rate, Remus didn't want Sirius to know that and kept his body as erect as possible. He also kept his gaze steady and tone unwavering.
Jaw tightening, Sirius fought the urge to pull back from Remus' grasp. "Don't," he all but growled, the dog apparent in his tone. "Don't touch me." It wasn't a warning. It was a demand. It was a strange sensation that flooded through Sirius at the touch. Wondering if all those years, if he'd been wrong about Remus' intentions. On the one hand, it was horrifying to consider. But on the other, Sirius felt a twinge of doubt. If Remus had felt 'that' way, wouldn't he have said something already? All the doubts did, however, was confuse Sirius further and make him angrier. "You're lucky you're still under this roof, knowing...knowing what you are." He couldn't help it. His nose wrinkled at the thought and he felt a cold chill run through him. Distracted and angry, he didn't even notice Remus' weaker than usual appearance.
Remus actually laughed. It was a bitter one not befitting the usually sweet and gentle man. "Don't flatter yourself." He released Sirius with a rough shove away from him. "And fine. I'd rather be gone than keep hurting Draco this way. If that's how you want it, I'll…" He'd what? He thought about Severus' offer which didn't seem such a bad idea just then. At least he'd still have access to Draco. Not that Remus believed James or Lily would allow Sirius to cut Draco off from him, but he couldn't be too sure. The more people on his side the better. "I'm sure your parents would be proud." Remus knew it was cruel, but, fuck, he had forgiven the man for nearly allowing Severus to be killed and for what? For such cruel dismissal? Remus had given up his flat on Sirius' request; he had supported the teenager who fled his parents…years flashed before Remus' eyes and it was all he could do to keep his eyes from tearing.
If Remus had wanted his words to make an impact, he'd succeeded. Sirius, stunned, dropped the glass in his hand, merely watching as it shattered into thousands of pieces across the kitchen floor. "Reparo," he whispered, barely touching his wand. The lack of urgency to the spell caused the glass to remain cracked and uneven as it shaped back into place.
Sitting down with a resounding thud, Sirius stared at the ground, where he'd left the half mended glass. His parents. Dammit. Was he really turning into them? "It's different," he defended, but most of the fight was gone from his voice. "It's... I'm not even sure what you're doing is legal, there's nothing unlawful about...about being friends with muggleborns and...and being in Gryffindor..." Oh, Godric, what was he doing?
He'd only been a step away from kicking Moony out of his house. And that step would've been enough to make Remus leave, instead. And he, too, remembered the young man, more fiery and defiant than he was even now, declaring that fine, he was no son of theirs, if that's how they wanted it.
The reaction startled Remus who only wanted to kneel down and comfort the man. However, still hearing every word echoing loud and clear through his brain, Remus couldn't. He remained standing, even taking a few steps away from the mess that was Sirius and his misshapen glass. "No? Not now. It could have been. Muggle-borns locked up, killed…" He trailed off, leaving the unspoken question dangling between them.
Anxiously, Sirius rubbed at his temples. Remus' unspoken words lingered in the air. Not everyone would accept him this way. And some might make it worse even than Sirius had. What kind of friend would he be if he stood by and allowed the man to be ridiculed and mocked and possibly... He shook his head as the thoughts of even worse reactions ran through his imagination. But it was wrong, wasn't it? A man with a man, or even a woman with a woman, he supposed. "You... You shouldn't," he argued weakly, refusing to meet Moony's gaze. "People won't... You're not supposed to. It isn't right."
"I can't help it." Anger slowly left Remus as well, leaving hurt to reflect in his face and connotation. "I didn't even really…I never thought…a late bloomer as Mum used to say." He shrugged his thin shoulders, wishing he could just be normal like Sirius wanted. Bad enough being a werewolf, but a homosexual? Sirius was right; it was risky. Nonetheless, it wasn't as if Remus planned to do anything about it. Even if Severus…
There it was. Remus forced that thought away. Severus wasn't. Everyone knew he had loved Lily. It was a waste of time and coming out to James and Sirius had just been stupid on Remus' part. Godric, he messed everything up for nothing. Nothing.
"You could," Sirius argued, though not in his usual, hot-tempered manner. This tone was desperate, longing not only to have his friend back, but to make sure he was safe and not at risk. "You... Lots of birds look at you, they always have. You could try. I bet you'd learn." It just made sense. There was nothing attractive about the male form, but women? They were all soft and curvy and hair and eyes and those smiles. What did a man have that could possibly catch another man's eye when offered all of that? "Maybe...you're just looking in the wrong places."
Remus sighed. He couldn't explain it. Hell, he didn't even understand it himself. "I tried." A note of desperation hinged his tone and he couldn't make eye contact any longer. "Do you think I want this? Truly? To have even my friends look at me like…"
Like he was dirty. Like he was wrong. Like him even being in the same room would contaminate them somehow. "Not all of them," Sirius repeated bitterly. And, finally, the bitterness wasn't directed at Remus, but at himself. "James seems okay with it."
James. Thank Merlin for James. Remus was so grateful to the bloke for actually acting like it was all so perfectly…normal. Prongs had been the only one outside of Severus to keep Remus from going completely bonkers in the whole mess. "Yes, he's been very good indeed." No accusation sprung from Remus' lips though to say he didn't think it would be remiss.
Sirius only nodded absently, letting the thought sink in. How could James accept it so willingly? Then again, James had been raised a Potter. Pureblood, certainly, but so willing and so accepting of everything. Including the rambunctious and temperamental teenager who showed up on their doorstep and was a part of the family within a month. The Blacks, on the other hand, had frowned on anything different. Even thinking 'outside the box', so to speak, was traiterous, deserving of the flat of Walburga's hand or worse from Orion, if he was home and chose to do so.
And yet Sirius had refused to conform. And he knew, then, that it was wrong of him to expect Remus to do so. But Godric, why? The werewolf thing, he'd had no choice in. But this? "How..." Ugh, how was he supposed to phrase this? "How'd you know you were...you know." Pouf was apparently the wrong word to use, but he wasn't sure queer was supposed to be said, either.
It was better than nothing Remus supposed. At least Sirius wasn't looking at him with the same disgust he had only moments earlier. "I suppose I always did." Tired, Remus knelt down as well, but still away from Sirius. "I never quite could see women as you and James seem to. Oh, I'd see they were attractive, but…" Remus paused, not wanting to give too much information. He didn't want to scare Sirius off.
"But you didn't want to throw them against a wall and do less than prefectly things to them?" Sirius supplied, a wry laugh in his words. This was so awkward. He didn't want to lose his friend. Really, he didn't. He wanted to accept this and adjust and provide support. But in his heart, he still rather wished Remus would just crack a grin, declare this another Marauder style joke, and move on to other things completely.
Perhaps that would have been easier, but Remus couldn't keep living a lie. The truth was in his face for Remus barely cracked a smile. "There might have been more recently, but I fear telling anymore would be foolish."
That caused Sirius' eyebrows to shoot up almost instantly. "What is that supposed to mean?" There was more? Good Godric, there was more, and Sirius wasn't sure he could handle anything more than finding out his closest mate was queer.
"It's not important, Sirius." Remus sighed, exhaustion overwhelming though it wasn't sleepiness. Rather, it was a mental exhaustion. "If I thought anything would come of it, well, I'd have no choice, but…you need not worry about me acting on this. I just…just thought you and James deserved to know."
Despite himself, that sparked something in him too. He'd never felt so many conflicting emotions in him at once in his life. He'd been so sure about leaving his family. He'd been worried about taking in Draco. Now, he was angry, hurt, confused, worried, and now, bitter. "What do you mean you're not going to act on it? Bad enough I never got to tease you about girlfriends, the least you could do is...you know. A...bloke."
More than a little surprised, Remus stared at Sirius for several seconds. "I don't think Draco deserves having this over his head as well. Besides, the only one I…he's not gay anyway."
Sirius huffed. "Do you know that? Besides, we're trying to teach Draco tolerance, right? And to stand up for himself? And what's right?" Well. One thing that could be said for Sirius was that when he made a decision, he made it with his whole heart. And apparently, he'd made his decision.
Remus blinked. "Sirius, what are you saying?"
"I..." Sirius took a deep breath. "Oh, hell. I don't know. I don't... No, I don't agree with this, but... You're an adult, you've got to make your own choices, right? And... Well, damn, I accepted you turning into a housepet every month, I can deal with you bugg--erm, fancying men." Not only was the term odd to use around Remus, but it was concerning men. Still too big a step.
It was better than nothing and Remus actually did flash a genuine smile finally. "I appreciate that, mate. I do. Really."
It would come slowly, Sirius knew. This wasn't going to be an overnight acceptance. But if they could still communicate, he figured he could work things out along the way. "I don't promise... Well, it won't be perfect," he warned, glancing warily at Remus.
"Well, as long as you are willing to try…" Remus looked at his friend hopefully. "If only for Draco. Because you're right. I do love him. So much."
At the boy's name, Sirius' face broke into a beaming smile. "I know," he admitted, ashamed for thinking that who Remus chose to fancy would affect his love for the child. "And...no. Not only for Draco. You're right, you've put up with a lot of bullshit from me. I think it's... Well, it's only fair I repay this much."
"Well about time." Remus winked teasingly, choosing to playfully punch Sirius in the arm.
Sirius gave an almost bashful smile at that, pleased at the small gesture. "Was bound to happen sooner or later." Sighing, he leaned back in his chair, balancing on the back two legs. "What are you going to tell Draco? You are going to tell him at some point, aren't you? He's smart, he knows someting's up."
That gave Remus pause. "I don't see why I would. Like I said, it’s not as if I'm going to be starting anything up with anyone." He bit his lip, considering the sleeping child upstairs. "I don't want to scare him further. Especially for nothing."
"It's not nothing," Sirius protested. "And I still don't get why you wouldn't be starting anything up with anyone. There's plenty of...those types around London. Got hit on myself just walking through that SoHo area. Bit off colour for you, but surely there's others elsewhere. I mean...if you're going to do it, may as well go all out."
"Sirius, honestly." Remus rolled his eyes though an amused expression flashed across his face. "I think I give the Ministry enough reason to be on my tail, you know. No pun intended."
Well, that was just asking for a hearty laugh. Sirius didn't try to hide the chuckle, though he did keep it quieter than usual, out of respect for the sleeping household. "You can't be the only one like you in wizarding kind. Come on, you're the reader, look this stuff up!" His voice dropped to an almost conspiratorial whisper. "It is legal, isn't it? I'm not aiding some crime here, am I?" Not that it would've bothered him once, not really. But his hold on Draco always felt so tenuous, as if Narcissa's will might not be completely legally binding.
"No," Remus admitted quietly. "They're making strides every day, but…" He shrugged again. "You know how these things go." He waved his hand. "Just further reason for keeping this quiet."
Sirius gave a pause at that. Things were slowly coming together in his mind. Things were starting to make sense. And this? Didn't. Who was the Ministry to say who his friend should want to be with? "Well," he started, a hint of defiance in his voice, "they also said you shouldn't go to school. And you did. And that you shouldn't be in public, working. And you are. So tell them to bugger off, who needs their opinion?" Okay, so maybe that wasn't impossible to say in front of Remus. Just, apparently, in that context.
Really, it didn't bother Remus. It was more expression than anything as far as he was concerned. "Thank you," he said sincerely, gratitude filling his voice. "Sirius…these last weeks have been hell."
"I know," Sirius admitted, uncharacteristically quiet. "I'm..." He hated this part. "I'm sorry. Really. I know I've been an arse."
"At least I didn't have to say it," Remus kidded, allowing the levity to return if Sirius wanted. "Now, though, I propose we take Draco out to breakfast tomorrow morning. Little bugger deserves it I'd say."
"He'd be happy to see us all as a family again." There. The invitation was out there. If they wanted to heal things, it had to start there. Putting their small and awkward family back together.
"Let's make a deal, yeah? If we ever decide to get angry again? Let's not have Draco know, alright?"
"He's smarter than that," Sirius reminded him, though he was smiling slightly. "Smarter than all of us, if you want the truth. Just little."
Remus laughed. "It's my goal to have him as Head Boy you know."
Sirius rolled his eyes and threw the first thing he could reach--the pepper shaker--at Remus' chest. "Great, turn him into a puffed up git like Prongs! Or a stuffy rule follower like, oh, I don't know, you."
"Hey!" Remus protested as pepper went up his nose. Sneezing, he threw it back. "Could blind me you know!" Huffing, he added, "He's too much Black to follow ALL the rules."
Grinning with pride, Sirius brushed pepper off of his t-shirt. "I know. Brilliant, isn't it? Think he'll follow the rule about no elbows on the table and napkins in your lap tomorrow morning?" Not that Sirius ever did, of course.
"With you around?" Remus shook his head in good-natured ribbing. "Not a chance."
"Then I've done my work here," Sirius said with a smile. He got to his feet, picking the poor, disheveled glass up off the floor and placing it on the counter. "As a reminder," he added over his shoulder. No need to specify a reminder of what. "Bed?"
"What? Am I ten?" In spite of his words, Remus hoisted himself up. "I suppose so if I'm planning early morning wake-up calls."
"Oh, and I've no doubt you'll find a pleasant and charming way in which to do so." Despite himself, Sirius stuck his tongue out in a good-natured gesture. It just felt right again. And he could almost forget, if he tried. But he wasn't completely sure he wanted to. "Furthermore, I was asking if you were going, not telling you to, so sod off."