"..." Matthew was silent for a very long moment at Stephen's suggestion. "..." And then, finally, he spoke again, his voice cracking even as he did so: "I'm... sorry, Stephen, I really am, but... no, it's not in me to live a criminal's life -- and criminal I would be, the moment I denounced my faith in the Minister -- not publicly, you understand, merely... just by leaving my post, and my home, I'll have made my intentions clear...!"
He closed his eyes, and let the tears already welled up to drip down his face, without wiping them away. "I mean, honestly Stephen, what am I to do? You're the only person left in my life -- aside from Christ, of course...! And... well, Christ won't have the answers for me! I mean, it's a hard path I follow, but still, I've tried to stay on course... and now look at me! I'm a fucking fuck-up, Stephen! I mean, HONESTLY! I've been thinking about how--" Comely my sister is, he was about to admit, but thought better of it. It didn't take him more than a split second to come up with another brutal admission, however: "The world would be better off without me in it!"