McKay (scribbulus_ink) wrote in blessedmoon, @ 2007-03-25 13:39:00 |
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Current mood: | excited |
Another Kind of Fandom Wank 3/5
Original poster: scribbulus_ink
Title: Another Kind of Fandom Wank 3/5
By: arionrhod and scribbulus_ink
To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com From: Rogue60@gmail.com Date: April 12, 2006 Subject: re: Wow > Time and distance has a way of softening the sharp > edges of memory, however, and reading what you have to say offers a different perspective as well. I can never forgive > those who harassed me - although in the interest of fairness, I confess I was hardly a weak, defenseless target, and I > gave as good as I got - but I believe I could forgive him. Thus I forgive you on his behalf. All I can really say here is thank you; it did indeed give me peace, and for that you have my gratitude. > At least you recognize the flaw > and - I assume - have tried to rectify it rather than continuing to repeat the pattern. That is to be respected even if your > cowardice is not. If you knew me better, you would understand the irony of what I am about to say: let it go. You cannot > change what you have done; you can only make different choices in the future. Yes, I have tried to rectify my weaknesses, and I think I have been successful to a certain extent. I have "let go" in a way already by having given up my previous life and moving on, not in an attempt to leave my sins behind me but to find a fresh start. Your words have been very healing for me regarding things I had thought I would always carry with me. It helped a great deal to be able to unburden myself to you and for you not to push me away. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. > That statement assumes one has experienced true happiness to begin with. My own soul is hardly unburdened by regret; > I dare say I have more to regret than merely failing to act, and there are things that eat at me in the long, dark hours > before dawn. I cannot say they are leavened by memories of happiness, however. There have been times in my life when > I have been content and - rarely - at peace, but happiness has always eluded me, even fleetingly. I have come closest to > it in the past few years, and my accomplishments have given me satisfaction, but success has not made me happy. I don't think I've known true happiness since I was a child; I lost my innocence when very young, and ever since then, it seems there has never been a carefree moment I could call my own. Like you, I've known some contentment and occasionally peace, but those times are always fleeting. I think I was speaking of happiness in a relative sense, as in I'm happy to have a roof over my head, food to eat, meaningful employment, and a hobby which is engaging. I have few friends, and they have their own lives with no real place for me. I'm not saying this to drum up sympathy, and I certainly don't weep for my circumstances. I, too, have regrets, and I know I always will have them, so I think I understand very well where you are coming from. Just know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here; I will gladly listen to anything you need to say and not judge you for anything. If you consider that the act of a friend, then I would like you to consider me one. >> I might also put together a petition of support for the community members to "sign" >> and send to the writers to let them know there are plenty of accepting fans out there. > That seems a sensible thing to do. As you say, those who are outraged will not hesitate to make themselves heard, > and there should be some balance in what the Powers That Be hear from their audience. Will do! Look for a post in the community shortly, and feel free to add in your two pence, if you would like! > Such as my temper, my impatience, my misanthropic attitude, my disdain for stupidity. I am not a nice man. Even > if I were, I would not be a catch. The truth about my desirability was drummed into my head long ago, and I have not > forgotten the lesson. You say you have good instincts about people, but you have a skewed perspective of me. It is, > I think, one of the drawbacks of communicating in writing. What one allows to be seen can be highly filtered. I assure > you, were you to meet me, you would not think me quite so interesting. Well, that will just have to remain to be seen, will it not? In the meantime, I shall keep my skewed perspective and say that I genuinely like what I have seen of you, whatever portion of the "real" you that might comprise. I saw your disdain for stupidity already, remember, and the misanthropy wasn't that hard to divine, nor the temper. You may not be "nice" by some standards, but you are genuine and true to yourself, and in a medium where it is easy for people to present false fronts and phony "niceness" in order to bolster their egos, I find it very refreshing indeed. To mangle the famous sonnet, I do indeed find it more rare than any belied by false compare. I hope you have a good day. I shall be around off and on during the day and then online all evening if you wish to chat or email. Yours, John |
To: Rogue60@gmail.com From: Pir8blocker@gmail.com Date: April 12, 2006 Subject: re: Wow > Yes, I have tried to rectify my weaknesses, and I think I have been successful to a certain extent. I am glad to hear it. Change is difficult, to be sure, but sometimes it is necessary. Again, there is irony in me saying such a thing. I shan't bore you with the details; suffice to say, I have always had a reputation of being somewhat rigid and disdainful of weakness in others - and not without good reason. However, I am most harsh with myself, far more than anyone ever realized. I am strong because I have had to be, and there are those who have relied on that strength nearly to the point of breaking it. I made mistakes in my youth that caused me to develop a strong sense of justice and right, and I have been unswerving and unyielding in my devotion to both. Before I left to start my own business venture, I worked for a fairly large company. While I was there, a colleague invited me to see a production of Les Miserables with her; she was in tears by the end, weeping over the tragedy of Eponine and Jean Valjean. She took it most unkindly when I said the character I identified with most was Javert. It was for him I felt the most sympathy, and his death moved me far more than Cosette's romantic bleatings. I suppose it was a case of "there but for the grace of God go I." Javert is far more obsessed than ever I was, but I can understand his single-minded sense of purpose and how it feels when that purpose is gone all too well. > I have "let go" in a way already by having given up my previous life and moving on, > not in an attempt to leave my sins behind me but to find a fresh start. Another thing we have in common, then. I pursued a particular career for a long time, but there came a point when I left everything behind and started anew here. It was a wise decision, one I have not regretted in the least. I may be alone and celibate, but I am not unhappy. Liberating myself from the shackles of the past was an overwhelming idea to contemplate. I suppose it was my moment on the bridge, and I, like Javert, jumped - not to my death, but to a new life. > It helped me a great deal to be able to unburden myself to you, and > especially for you to not push me away. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You needn't thank me. In some way, it did me good too, thus it was not entirely altruistic on my part. To be honest, I find I do not wish to push you away, unwise as that may prove to be. > I think I was speaking of happiness in a relative sense, as in I'm happy to have > a roof over my head, food to eat, meaningful employment, and a hobby which is engaging. Happiness in that sense - yes, I have that. I call that more contentment than happiness, but I suppose it is a matter of semantics. Like you, I have not experienced true happiness in the sense of being unfettered and carefree since childhood, and only then up to a point. Things changed when my father died. Until then, I had quite a happy home life as an only child doted upon by loving parents. We were not wealthy; my father worked in the mines, and the mines repaid his diligence by killing him. My mother and I were obliged to live with my grandparents after that. They never approved of her marriage, believing she had married beneath her, and likewise, they did not approve of me. The tenor of my life changed then, and it never improved until I wrenched back control over my own destiny with the aforementioned "jump." > Of friends I have very, very few, and they have their own lives with no real place for me. I find that surprising. I am not a social person by nature, and I am not particularly pleasant company, but you strike me as one who enjoys people and who is pleasant company. I find myself perplexed as to why you do not have a wide circle of friends, given the open, friendly, and kind demeanor you have shown me. What did you do - get drunk at a party and tell them they have ugly babies? > I saw your disdain for stupidity already, remember, and the misanthropy > wasn't that hard to divine, nor the temper. You may not be "nice" by some standards, > but you are genuine and true to yourself, and in a medium where it is easy for > people to present false fronts and phony "niceness" in order to build their egos, > I find it very refreshing indeed. To mangle the famous sonnet, I do indeed find it > more rare than any belied by false compare. Then again, perhaps this gives me the answer: you are quite mad. Although I suppose you are correct in one sense: I am myself, and I make no apologies for it, nor do I present myself or my opinions as anything other than what they are. Given I am a grumpy old bugger who has no patience with stupidity and who finds most people tiresome, being myself has not endeared me to a great many people. But then again, they have not endeared themselves to me, either. I had rather cultivate a small circle of acquaintances who do not annoy me than a large circle of people who do. Ethan |
To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com From: Rogue60@gmail.com Date: April 12, 2006 Subject: re: Wow Ethan - > I am strong because I have had to be, and there are those who have relied on that strength > nearly to the point of breaking it. I made mistakes in my youth that caused me to develop a strong sense of justice and > right, and I have been unswerving and unyielding in my devotion to both. That is something to be admired. I try now to have the courage of my convictions as well, since I know all too well the price to be paid for doing otherwise. > She took it most unkindly when I said the character > I identified with most was Javert. It was for him I felt the most sympathy, and his death > moved me far more than Cosette's romantic bleatings. I suppose it was a case of > "there but for the grace of God go I." Javert is far more obsessed > than ever I was, but I can understand his single-minded sense of purpose > and how it feels when that purpose is gone all too well. There is no shame in being a Javert, as there is none in being a reformed Valjean. They are a yin and yang of sorts, each necessary to the other. > Liberating myself from the shackles of the past was an overwhelming > idea to contemplate. I suppose it was my moment on the bridge, and I, > like Javert, jumped - not to my death, but to a new life. May I just say that from my own selfish perspective, I'm very glad you did? I'm glad we both did. Funny how it led us to discover each other, isn't it? > You needn't thank me. In some way, it did me good too, thus it was not entirely altruistic on my part. To be honest, > I find I do not wish to push you away, unwise as that may prove to be. I don't think it would be unwise; at least, I certainly hope not. I find myself more comfortable talking to you than I have felt with anyone in a very long time. I do hope that nothing I do or say ever causes you discomfort or upset. > Happiness in that sense - yes, I have that. I call that more contentment than happiness, but I suppose it is a > matter of semantics. Like you, I have not experienced true happiness in the sense of being unfettered and carefree > since childhood, and only then up to a point. I'm sorry for what you have gone through which has given you such pain in your life. All I can say is that if it has made you the man you are today, perhaps there was some purpose to it after all. So many people do not appreciate the subtle joys to be found in something as simple as being in charge of your own life. I don't know how you feel about poetry (and no, I am NOT referring to that emotional Gothic droning in the fic comm!) but there is one I read just about the time I decided to leave my previous life and which I occasionally send to my clients when they feel hopeless. I think you, of all people I have ever met, would appreciate the nuances of it. It's by a man named William Henley, and it has been something that has given me the comfort of knowing that I am not alone, that others have been where I have been. Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. > I find myself perplexed as > to why you do not have a wide circle of friends, given the open, friendly, and kind demeanor you have > shown me. What did you do - get drunk at a party and tell them they have ugly babies? ROFL! I can and have enjoyed people, this is true, but I am by nature a private man and something of a loner. I spent many years wanting people to like me, needing it as some sort of vindication, I suppose, or an assurance that I was a person worthy of friends and love. But while I can spend time with others, and they do seem to like me, I still often feel alone in a crowd, a man apart. There was a time that I sought inclusion, but I don't so much anymore. Although I wouldn't ever insult their babies, ugly or not. I value my life far too much for that! > Given I am a grumpy old bugger who has no patience with stupidity and who finds > most people tiresome, being myself has not endeared me to a great many people. But then again, they have > not endeared themselves to me, either. I had rather cultivate a small circle of acquaintances who do not annoy > me than a large circle of people who do. As long as I might be included in that small circle, I would be quite content. Never apologize for who you are, for I find that to be a very good thing indeed. If that makes me mad, then I revel in my insanity. Yours, John |