Jefferson (missinggrace) wrote in blackpoint, @ 2014-03-01 17:58:00 |
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Entry tags: | captain hook, mad hatter |
Who: Jefferson (Narrative)
When: Wee hours of Saturday March 1st
Where: The Hatter Household
What: Jefferson’s vents his thoughts on a sleeping Killian
Rating: PG! A little sappy in an angsty, Jefferson sort of way
Jefferson slept better these days than he had in years. Better than before it was just him and Grace surviving on mushrooms and the kindness of neighbors. And he wasn’t deluded enough to not know exactly why either. The reason was laying next to him, half on his side, half on his stomach. His bare back was exposed by a sheet tangled up between his legs and Jefferson’s hips. At some point during the night, he’d flopped to the side and Jefferson had followed suit, one leg wedged between the pirate’s knees and an arm draped over his waist. It should have been at least a little uncomfortable, and Jefferson was suddenly awake, but it wasn’t because he needed to move. In fact, he was convinced he could have stayed like that all day and been just fine. As it was, the sun wasn’t up yet, and a glance over his shoulder at the clock on the nightstand confirmed it was an inhuman hour, so Jefferson nestled in against Killian’s back and let his eyes drift shut. It hadn’t even been two months and he was already guilty of needing this more than he cared to admit. All the fear he’d had about losing their friendship if they tried to turn it into something else and failed was still there, only now it was more about the fear that he was too comfortable. Too satisfied. In too deep without a way back. If he felt like this in less than two months, what chance did he really have in the long run? For decades all of his happiness, or lack thereof, had been tied up in one person. Now it was two, and yet he didn’t feel like a load had been lifted. If anything, the burden was heavier. Like his ability to feel had been doubled and losing Grace or Killian would send him into a destructive tailspin far worse than lonely madness in an empty house. Jefferson frowned at the direction of his thoughts, always so dramatic and pessimistic, even in the best of times. Pulling his face away from where it had been pressed against the crook of Killian’s neck, he rested his head against the pillow and tugged his draped arm back to his side. “Are you awake?” he murmured quietly. Waiting for a response, he lightly brushed his fingers across Killian’s shoulder and then down the man’s back. “Killian? Can you hear me?” Again he waited, determined to make sure the pirate was still asleep before he vented some of his thoughts. When his patience was still met with deep breathing and silence, Jefferson pressed back in against Killian and started quietly talking with no real goal in mind but some relief to the heavy tension in his chest. “You know I don’t really know what I’m doing most of the time. I think you’d know that even if I wasn’t always telling you that I don’t. I just put one foot in front of the other and hope that every choice I make isn’t the one that’s going to bite me on the ass later,” he whispered, resting his forehead against Killian’s skin. “But what you probably don’t know is that the choices that scare me the most are the ones that feel right. Deciding to help Regina get to Wonderland felt right at the time. Like it would give my daughter the life she deserved and I could stop feeling like a disaster of a father. Like it would solve everything, if I could just set aside my concerns - my justifiable concerns, even still. I can look back now and think what an idiot I was, but at the time....,” Jefferson trailed off, knowing the sentence didn’t really need to be finished, and not just because he was talking to himself. His eyes closed again as he kept talking, even quieter now. “Logically, I know this is different. Choosing to be with you isn’t the same as choosing to help a sadistic monarch. But it’s worse in a way. It could hurt so much more. It was hard enough accepting that Grace being here meant I could lose her all over again. Now there’s you. Us. And everything feels…terrifyingly right.” Silence followed as the weight of that sentence forced him to swallow dryly. “It figures that the happiest I’ve ever been is also the most scared I’ve ever been. I never thought I would need someone in my life as much as I need my daughter, Killian. And I certainly never thought it would be a stubborn, pain in the ass pirate. But...here I am. A handful of weeks with you in my bed and already--christ, the things I would do to keep you here…” He laughed, a muffled grim sound that made him wait a long time before speaking again in case he’d woken Killian up in the process. “It’s too soon to be this invested,” Jefferson finally sighed. “Too soon and too damn late.” It was the closest he was going to get to saying the words - the ones that had already started sneaking up on him at the most innocuous of moments, despite how ridiculous that was - even if he was convinced Killian was still sound asleep. But, it was close enough that he felt some relief. His arm curled back around Killian’s midsection as he pressed his mouth against the pirate’s shoulder and slowly let himself drift back off to sleep. |