February 14
Andrew and Melisande A letter delivered to Mel
It was Valentines Day. It would have been their first as a really established couple. This time last year they were still testing the waters. He’d had some amazing plans laid out, and while having those ruined was the least of his concerns, they were a poignant reminder of what had been taken from them. He wanted to go see her. His instinct was to do it despite all the reasons not to. But she had said no herself, and while he could ignore everyone else’s warnings and logic, he couldn’t violate her wishes. Certainly not now, when she needed that sense of control so badly.
So he did something he hadn’t done in over a year. He sat down and wrote her a letter.
I don’t know if you will want to read this letter, but I have to write it. I’m not the kind of guy who hangs on should-haves and could-haves. That kind of thinking doesn’t get us anywhere we want to end up. But looking back, distancing myself from you to try and keep you safe was stupid. I swear I meant right by it. For whatever that’s worth now, I really was trying to keep you safe. I thought about you every second of every one of those days, Mel, I swear. I wasn’t at bars or clubs and I went to bed alone. I understand if you never want to see my face again after all of this, but it’s all the more reason I need to say these things here, in case I don’t get the chance to say them to you in person.
I wish you had called. Or I wish I had called. I wanted to. When I came home and I found your answer gift wrapped for me, I almost said to hell with the whole thing, but I thought I was being patient. I thought it was smart at the time. I spent enough time in the hospital that I’ve gathered what this last month has been like for you, even before he took you. I’m sorry. Those things he said to get at you were awful and I am sorry you had to hear them and think they were from me. If anyone ever says that who you are isn’t enough, then they don’t deserve you. When I said I loved you, there was never an “if” involved. There still isn’t. You’re captivating and brilliant and warm. You’re fun and you’re gorgeous. You’re amazing. I don’t know how you can compare yourself to anyone else and come up short.
I know you, so I know that even though you aren’t ready to see me, you are going to wonder if I am not there because I don’t want to be. You are going to wonder if it’s too much work for me or I think it isn’t worth it. You know that isn’t it, I think, but you will wonder anyway and I won’t be there to argue with you so I’m going to argue with you here. I am staying away because I respect what you need, not because I don’t want to be there for you. The distance is harder than anything else could be. And if the time comes that you need me, don’t second-guess your welcome. I’ll always be here for you in any way I can, Mel, even if we never go back to where we were. Now I’m going to say some things because I do want to tell you how I feel, but I am afraid you will be pressured by that. I’m not trying to push you. Do what you need to do for you and don’t worry about whether or not I will understand when all is said and done. I guess I can’t understand what you’re going through but I’m not pretending otherwise. It’ll have to be enough. I’m not going anywhere and I don’t expect you to reply to this. You’ll talk to me when you’re ready and you’ve always been worth waiting for. All that being said, I don’t want to lose any part of you. I can’t even imagine how you can get past this but I have to hold onto hope that somehow you can. I love you and I miss you. I miss us. I want another Christmas together, repulsive Hello Kitty tree skirt and all. You always worried that in some way you weren’t “enough” for me and he played on that. I figured I could just wear you down over time and get you to realize it wasn’t true, but I should have said all this then. Another Should-Have. You were almost too much sometimes. I mean that in the best way. There were those moments it was overwhelming just being with you. Fighting outside the museum was more terrifying than I think I let on. I was afraid you would call me on it and end the whole thing and the idea of it made me physically sick. Then there were all the good parts. Making up. Falling asleep together. Even with your hair constantly getting in my face. We were friends for so long that it makes sense it all should have felt easy and casual. And it was, it always has been. But at the same time, it’s also always been butterflies with you. There was never a lunch I didn’t look forward to. I’ve never sent so many flowers or texts. If it took a long time before I could kiss you, then it only made it more thrilling. I never took any of the little things for granted with you. They all had a wonderful weight to them. But at the same time, I think I took for granted that you would always be there. If you tell me this is over I won’t love you any less for it. I won’t hate you. But I don’t know how I will get over you when everything makes me think of you. I can’t go buy eggs without remembering that ridiculous sticker on your phone screen. Hell, I can’t look at a phone. Everything I see is followed up by a thought of “Mel would love that” or “Mel would hate that”. This would make her smile, that would make her laugh. You’re in every song I hear.
I know no one is perfect, but I think we were as close as it gets. I love you. No matter what.
If we can survive this I promise I won’t let us spend another month apart. I’ll always kiss you goodnight, and I’ll always kiss you good morning. We’ll work through this. Just give us the chance. I’ll stay with you for as long as you’ll have me. Even though I think I would have looked pretty good with wrinkles.
In the meantime, if you need a penpal, maybe I can be here for you without being there with you.