Who: Marsh & Nobu. When: January 5th. Where: Nobu's apartment. What: Apologies and forgiveness. Rating: Low.
Marsh had to make things right and one of the first people he knew he needed to apologize to was Nobu. He’d picked out a Christmas gift before everything went south and had it laying around in his house until tonight. It wasn’t anything special, a cookbook that the lady at the bookstore swore by but it was selected with care and he hoped that was what mattered.
After a conversation with Ronnie, Marsh found out he’d met Nobu and knew where he lived. He knew it was a risky thing, to show up unannounced but Nobu hadn’t been replying to his text messages.
He took a deep breath as he came to the door of the building, bringing his hand up slowly to press the buzzer. Present in tow, he hoped he wasn’t met with rejection.
The buzzer sounded. The little bundle of fur lifted his head. Someone was buzzing for him? Nobu debated if he even wanted to bother seeing who it was but curiosity was too ingrained in him to just ignore it. So he stood up from his little dog bed on the floor - a gift from Ronnie - and climbed up the pet ramp - another gift from Ronnie - to the call button situated on the counter. His paw touched the button and the little screen sprang to life to reveal the caller.
Marsh. His heart leapt at the sight but then stilled, an array of feelings twisting inside him. Happiness mixed with disappointment and hints of anger that the man's image reignited.
"Konnichiwa," he greeted through the speaker though without his usual pep. Marsh couldn't see him so was oblivious to the fact the familiar voice was coming from the mouth of a small animal. "What brings you here?"
He sighed as he heard Nobu answer from his buzzer, a clear indication he didn’t want Marsh there. “Hi, do you think I can maybe come up? I owe you an apology.” And a lackluster gift but he wouldn’t blame Nobu if he refused both. Marsh wasn’t expecting anything from Nobu, didn’t think the other man would want to even give him another chance but he felt he at least owed him some exposition. The whole truth.
“I brought you a gift too.” He said as he looked up hopefully to the camera. The guilt was clear in his eyes.
Nobu considered. Marsh definitely owed him an apology, that much was certain. Did he really want him in his home though? This was his sanctuary. Not to mention he had been in his animal form for several days because of his slowly healing wound - one he got from trying to catch a glance of the guy, he might add - and wasn't sure if changing into his human form would aggravate it more.
Though he supposed it was as good a time to show him that he wasn't a delusion. If Marsh didn't want anything to do with him after seeing "proof" then good riddance to him. And he could leave the gift before he went.
"Okay, one second." He pressed the button that unlocked the outside doors. "There. Door will be open so just come in."
Marsh let out a breath he didn’t even know he had been holding as the doors buzzed open. He made his way up the stairs, and came to the door. He took another deep breath to regain his composure and walked into the apartment. There were Japanese decorations everywhere, like a New Years celebration had happened. He thought back on his New Years for a moment as he searched around the apartment for Nobu.
“Nobu?” He called out until his eyes found and very pissed off looking raccoon/dog hybrid laying by the door.
“Well I suppose this means I owe you more than one apology.” He owed him a world of them and he wasn’t sure he’d ever stop owing apologies to Nobu, if he would be allowed back into his life.
He placed the gift down on a small table and kneeled down in front of the creature. “There’s one part about my past that I didn’t tell you. The reason I had my license revoked.” His leg began to hurt so he sat and stretched it out.
His eyes narrowed. This was how he wanted to start the conversation after weeks of no contact? No greeting, no actual apology, no comment on his well-being? Just more talk about himself.
"I don't care," he said curtly. He stood, turning away from Marsh. "You came here to give me an apology and what do you do? Immediately talk about yourself." He climbed up the pet stairs onto the couch, placing himself on higher ground even if not by much considering Marsh's height. "That is selfish. That is what you are. Selfish. Always 'me, me, me.'"
His fur bristled, growing more agitated by the second. "And when I talk about myself, you call me a liar! Delusional! And ignore me! Now you come into my home and immediately talk about yourself again. That is all you care about. You!"
He could have expected as much, were he not damaged, did he not have a blindness to him that he desperately hoped to abolish. Nobu was right, he’d have to come at this at a different angle. He hadn’t yet noticed Nobu’s injury and when it became apparent he felt the air leave his lungs.
He didn’t care what he came there to say, Nobu was hurt and Marsh needed to get to the bottom of it.
But that was sort of the point that Nobu was trying to make wasn’t it? So he kept his tongue quiet and took a deep breath. “You’re right, I should have made my apologies first.” He walked over to where Nobu was standing and offered him a sincere look.
“I’m so sorry that I claimed that you were delusional. I had no reason to believe that you were and I was just trying to save my own ego. You didn’t deserve that.” A beat. “And I’m sorry that I didn’t call you after with a more timely apology. There is no excuse for what I’ve done.”
"You are right. There is no excuse," he agreed harshly, then softened a little. "But you did apologize at least." Nobu was still irritated but he did acknowledge that Marsh was quick to heed his words and apologize. Apparently words could manage to get through his thick skull.
"You are still selfish," he reiterated, laying down where he stood on the couch cushion. Marsh wasn't out of the woods yet. Apologies were one thing but he would need to do a lot more to make up for the hurt he went through.
He rested his chin on his paws, looking sad. "You and Penny-chan said it was a good thing how I felt when with you. But it didn't feel like a good thing when you ignored me. It felt horrible. Others have left before but it never made me feel terrible. But you did." He let out a defeated sigh, turning his face away from Marsh. "What good are good things when they turn terrible as soon as you decide you 'can't help me' anymore?"
He could feel the words tug at his heartstrings, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I never meant to hurt you. You weren’t the one that did anything wrong, that’s on me and I wish I could promise you that everything is fine but it’s not.” Maybe it never would be, but he was taking steps to at least minimizing his pain.
“I made an appointment with a therapist, because there’s something wrong with me and I need to address it before it gets any worse.” It didn’t feel like it could get worse but he knew it could from experience.
“You’ve been so good to me and I wish I was able to make up to you for what I did wrong. I understand if you never want to speak to me again, I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
Nobu lifted his head, studying Marsh as the man spoke. He seemed genuinely remorseful and, it appeared, taking steps to fix what he believed was wrong with himself. His guilt was also making him assume that the tanuki would push him away, and a little part of him wondered if he should, but he was a more forgiving sort.
"I don't want to never speak to you again," Nobu stated as he sat up. "You were a dick. You hurt me. But I want you around." Despite it all, he still liked Marsh. Probably more than he really should. While not easily seen in this form, there was a hint of a smile on his face. "Just try not to be such an asshole anymore, okay? It isn't a good look."
His gaze moved to the present resting on the adjacent table. "Now, why don't you bring that over so I can open it?"
He offered a soft smile to Nobu, or his tanuki form rather and grabbed the gift to hand over to Nobu. He didn’t know if Nobu wanted to be romantic with him anymore, but at least they could continue being friends. Only time would tell.
“It’s not much but I bought it when we were seeing each other with the intention of cooking with you.” The past tense was accentuated since he wasn’t entirely sure the nature of their relationship now. He still wanted to kiss him, to see where it would go but he was almost certain he’d screwed that up.
Once the gift was placed before him, Nobu went about the process of unwrapping it with paws. Claws caught the taped edge and ripped it back and a combination of teeth and paws rid the book of its packaging. A simple snout flip tossed the book over so the cover was showing. It was a well-practiced series of actions.
"Neat!" He licked his chops. The dish on the book's cover looked delicious. "I say we cook this dish-" his paw touched the picture. "-first. It looks really good!" Nobu didn't catch on to Marsh's emphasis on the past tense so made no attempt to actively address it.
"I got you a gift too. For Christmas," he said a bit shyly. If a raccoon dog could visibly blush, he would be. He pawed at the couch idly. "I was hoping we would spend it together. Like other couples." He lowered his head, eyes sad. Being unable to spend his first ever Christmas - a couples' holiday - with Marsh was a huge disappointment. Remembering made his chest hurt.
"...You can sit on the couch, you know."
Marsh stood from where he kneeled and made his way to the couch, sitting next to Nobu. It was still an adjustment and Marsh was still processing seeing Nobu in this form but far be it from him to question the strange types that found themselves here. “I’m sorry I took that opportunity away from you. I hope whoever is with you next Christmas will do you justice.”
From his spot on the couch he sighed and got a closer look at Nobu’s left side. “What happened? Are you alright?” He asked him, too anxious to hold in the question any longer.
As soon as Marsh got himself comfortable, Nobu rested his chin on his leg. The comment regarding Christmas made his heart sink. Was Marsh not planning to be around? Did he not want to be together anymore? He looked up with large, pathetic eyes. "You won't spend it with me?" He asked, voice wobbling a little.
It's fine. If that is how it is that's fine, he tried to assure himself as he put distance between them again. It didn't feel fine though. He just felt sad all over again.
He glanced at his wounded side. Ah, yeah. His wound. That was a better thing to focus on. "Some dog clawed at me," he answered. "Or I think it was a dog. Didn't look like any I have seen." He laid down flat against the sofa, looking dejected. "It is taking a while to heal. Longer than it should. But I am okay."
Placing his hand on Nobu as he moved away, he did his best to look into the eyes of the much older man. “It would be an honor to, just… wasn’t sure if you’d want to after the way I treated you.” If he was his own therapist, he’d tell Marsh that a relationship was the last thing he should be pursuing right now but out of all of the things that happened to him in the last couple of months, Nobu made him the happiest.
He studied the wound, biting down on his lip as he inspected it. “You should be getting some rest, so it can heal properly.” God knows he knew what it was to deal with an injury.
“I limp sometimes because I got shot in the leg by one of my patients. You let that fester and it can do a lot more harm.” He wasn’t trying to mother Nobu, just trying to offer some advice.
His heart lifted. It had just been a misunderstanding; he was still interested in being together. "I want to," he said, confirming his stance. It made sense Marsh would be uncertain on their status. He had just yelled at him and called him a selfish dick, after all.
"I have been resting," he told him, tilting his head to the side in exasperation. Not because Marsh recommended something he was already doing but because he was tired of doing it. He hated being so limited in what he could do.
He slinked toward him, his body stretched along the cushion, and once again rested his chin on Marsh's leg. "I am tired of resting," he whined. "I just want it better. It is taking too long." And he wasn't just being impatient either. Generally wounds healed faster for the tanuki but this one was proving different. He wasn't sure why. A shiver ran down his spine, suddenly remembering the beast's glowing eyes. "Stupid dog thing."
His eyes softened as he listened, angry at himself for not being there to help Nobu. Little did he know that he was there, unaware. While Marsh couldn’t understand the thoughts in Nobu’s head, the tone of it suggested that it was more than just a dog. What it could be, Marsh didn’t know but he vowed to protect Nobu in the best way he could.
Almost by instinct, Marsh pressed his fingers lightly to Nobu’s head and began to stroke the fur there. He sighed and bit down on his lip as he tried to decide if now was the best time to bring up that part of him he never shared with Nobu and what that meant. Only moments ago he was calling Marsh selfish and that was the last thing he wanted to be right at this moment.
Whether he knew it or not Nobu’s words sunk deeply into his psyche, taking control over his speech centers. “I’m glad you’re alright.” He finally managed, feeling those other thoughts build up incrementally.
His eyes closed when Marsh started to stroke his head and he let out a content sigh. It had been quite sometime since he felt genuinely happy. There had been happy moments, such as when Ronnie helped decorate his apartment for New Year's, but they were marred by a persistent sadness. Not so now. The depression that had hovered over him for the last few weeks dissipated with the gentle ruffle of his fur.
"Me too," he replied with a soft chuckle. Nobu shifted, curling up beside Marsh. "I missed this," he admitted, nuzzling his face into the side of the other man's leg.
“Not sure how used to it I am…” he looked down at Nobu to make sure he knew where this was going. “...but I’m willing to get used to it.” He offered Nobu a small smile. He needed to say something, needed Nobu to know the whole truth about him. It was all just under the surface and he couldn’t keep it in any longer.
“I was shot, about three years ago, maybe more, by one of my patients who then turned the gun on himself.” He sighed and pushed his fingers through his hair.
“It did a number on me. My license was revoked and I had to undergo a year of physical therapy just so I could walk. I want to be truthful with you Nobu because you deserve to know what could be ahead for you.” He tried his best to make eye contact with the Tanuki.
“I’m a broken man, and I don’t expect it’s going to be any shade of easy to put the pieces back together. If this becomes too much for you to handle in the future, try to let me down easy will you? I’m holding on by a thread.”
Nobu sat in silence, allowing Marsh to unload uninterrupted. Obviously this had been weighing on his mind for a while so he couldn't fault him for bringing it up, even if it did ruin the nice moment they were having. Or rather, the nice moment he was having. Whether Marsh thought the same was up for debate. It was hard to enjoy oneself when heavy thoughts filled your head.
In the future… Nobu didn’t think much about the future. The future was the future and, well, he was more of a present kinda guy. Focusing on the here and now was far better than bogging yourself down with what ifs.
Nobu let out a sigh, getting to his feet. He crawled onto Marsh’s lap and plunked himself down, looking up at the man. “I will keep that in mind,” he answered. He wouldn’t - he would be far too busy enjoying the here and now - but if it made the other man feel better, he would say it. Standing up on his hind legs, he rested one paw on Marsh’s chest and the other reached up to bop his nose gently. “I can handle a lot when it is for a person I like. And I like you. A lot. So no more worrying about a future that may or may not happen, okay?”
Marsh nodded his head though he knew it wasn’t as much worry rather than inevitability. “I like you a lot too.” So much he hadn’t even tried to get physical with Nobu yet though it was on his mind. With someone so new to the world of dating it didn’t seem right to be pressuring him. “Can’t really say I’ve liked anyone more than you.” But then again, he hadn’t gotten close enough to anyone else to get to know them like he had Nobu.
A small laugh came when he felt the paw on his nose. It was odd, seeing him like this but it definitely matched the personality of the Nobu he knew.
His little heart fluttered. Marsh liked him more than anyone else he'd met. That made him unbelievably happy and that happiness was obvious even with the limited human-like expressions his tanuki face could make. "Same," he concurred, touching his snout to his nose cutely.
Suddenly he pulled back, remembering. "Oh! Your present!" He exclaimed. "It is in my room. Come on, come on." Nobu went to move from his lap then stopped. He stared up at him though his eyes were focused on his shoulder as opposed to his face. This was his chance; the chance to finally climb that tree. "Give me a ride? Pleeease?"
He chuckled at the statement and nodded his head. “Sure.” He then allowed Nobu to climb him until he reached his shoulder. Marsh stood and looked around the doors to see if he could find said room. Upon inspection he chose a door in the apartment that thankfully opened up to a bedroom.
“Where should I go?” He asked, uncertain as to where Nobu kept things. It was his first time there and he was bound to be a little confused.
To say Nobu was excited to be riding on Marsh's shoulders would be an understatement. He was downright ecstatic. Ever since the first time they met he had wanted to climb onto his shoulders and now he was finally doing it. Seeing the apartment at such a height was interesting; he had a while different perspective of his surroundings.
When Marsh inquired on their direction, he pointed a paw toward the dresser. "In there. Bottom drawer. Far back." After a week of radio silence, he had shoved Marsh's gift as far into the drawer as possible; it both hurt and annoyed him to see it sitting out especially as Christmas grew closer. Now, several weeks later, it would once again see the light of day.
Nobu spring boarded off Marsh's shoulder when he bent down to open the drawer, landing gracefully onto the dresser's top. He watched the other man intently as he retrieved the gifts and began to open the one with his name scribbled on the wrapping.
Inside was a set of coasters fashioned after vinyl records. "I hope you like it," he said a bit shyly. "I came across them in a shop. Made me think of you."
He smiled as he opened the gift, inspecting the coasters to see if he could recognize any of the albums and it seemed Nobu picked perfectly. Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, etc. “This is really thoughtful, thank you.” He wished the Nobu he knew was his human form now so he could kiss him but perhaps it was too soon for that anyhow.
His smile faltered. “I want you to know that I’m going to try my damndest to get better so I can be a better partner to you.” They hadn’t really talked about that, hadn’t discussed what they were and now Marsh had a nervous pit in his stomach, like he’d rushed into it.
Partner? Nobu found the statement curious. While he had considered themselves a couple of sorts, the two had never actually determined what their relationship was; they never defined just what they were to one another. The subject had never come up until now.
"I know you will," he said kindly, sitting at the edge of the dresser and resting his body up against the other man. "So... partner. Does that mean we are a couple? Do I get to call you my boyfriend?"
The smile came back, dimples still visible beneath his facial hair. “Yeah, yeah you can.” He replied and stuffed his coasters back in the box so that he could take them back home with him.
He thought about the time and the way he just showed up unannounced. “I should probably get out of your...fur.” Though the truth was he didn’t want to leave. This was a big turning point for them but maybe it was better not to overstimulate himself.
His face lit up. “Okay! I will call you my boyfriend!” Nobu declared with a smile, jumping up and skipping about the dresser’s surface excitedly. “And you can call me your boyfriend too!” He didn’t know how much he wanted to call Marsh his boyfriend until it actually happened. Sure, he may have never experienced a relationship before but knew enough that labels like ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ meant they were a bonafide couple now. A couple that hugged and kissed and… other things.
Marsh’s comment stopped him dead in his tracks. “You are leaving?” His ears lay flat and he dipped his head in disappointment. “Okay. If you have to. I was thinking maybe we could, maybe, watch a movie or something. But if you have to go…”
“I don’t have to go, just wasn’t sure if there was an open invitation to stay.” He could text one of his neighbors to check in on Rudy if he didn’t make it home early enough. There was no way he was letting his dog down like he had on New Years. That was the lowest he’d felt in a long time, since after Lawrence killed himself in his office.
“So how long do you stay in this form?” He asked selfishly. The Nobu he knew and liked was a man and it would take him some time to get used to this. He wanted to, more than anything. He wanted to slice off a little piece of happiness for himself, even if it meant making compromises.
"As long as I want to," he answered. "I have no set time in a form if that is what you mean. I change whenever I like." It dawned on him that Marsh was wondering how long he planned to be in this form as opposed to how long he had to stay in it, so added. "I am in this form until my side is healed completely. I could try changing now but I worry it might exacerbate the wound, prolonging the healing process even more."
He stood up on his hind legs to give himself extra height, resting his front paws against Marsh to keep himself upright. "You do not know how much I want to be able to change again. I miss performing. And opposable thumbs! Opening closed doors is terrible with paws! Too much work." It's why all the doors in the apartment were at least partially open.
His eyes softened as the injury was brought up again. “Where were you, when you got attacked?” Had he been out in the desert, could have been a coyote. If he was in a neighborhood maybe it was a large domestic dog, or a feral one. Marsh wanted to make sure that whatever attacked him couldn’t do it as easily again.
Nobu dropped to all fours again. "Ah, well," he began reluctantly. "I was in Searchlight. Visiting friends." That wasn't the truth. He hadn't gone to the town with the intention of visiting anyone, but the last thing he wanted to admit was he had gone there specifically to check in on Marsh. He had his pride.
"I was wandering around when the... thing showed up." He was certain the attacker was no ordinary dog but he had no idea what it could otherwise be. "Ronnie found me sometime after. Who knows what might have happened if he had not." He didn't want to even think about it.
“I’ll have to send him a gift basket.” That seemed like something Ronnie would enjoy though he’d have to get the high-quality ones or he knew it would just go to waste. He was glad he didn’t know when it happened. On top of all the other feelings and emotions he had, knowing Nobu had been hurt would have added to the weight of his woes.
“Should we watch a movie?” He asked, figuring it might be nice to curl up on a couch with Nobu, even in this form.
"Oh, if you do I want to help you pick it out!" Nobu owed Ronnie quite a bit; a gift basket was the least he could do for him. "He has really helped me out. I am in his debt." He would properly repay Ronnie for all he had done some day. All he needed to do was ask the tanuki for a favor and it would be done.
"Yes! Let us watch a movie!" He climbed back up onto Marsh's shoulders (yay!) and both travelled back into the living room. "Penny-chan has Netflix so we can pick something on there if you would like. Hulu too. Oh and Disney+. That is a new one," he rambled as Marsh lowered him down onto the couch. "Sky is the limit, really."
Marsh settled the both of them down on the couch and grabbed the remote. He figured it would probably be hard with Nobu since he didn’t have opposable thumbs. “Have you ever seen the Waking Life? I think you’d like it.” He remarked, finding the title on one of the streaming services.
Nobu shook his head. "No. Never heard of it before." If Marsh thought he would like it though he would give it a try. He curled up beside his boyfriend - he was still giddy about that change in their relationship - resting his head onto Marsh's leg like before.
About halfway through the movie Nobu's eyes started drooping. He was interested in the movie, he really was, but he found himself growing tired. Fatigue was setting in. He forced his eyes to remain open several times but the battle between wake and sleep was ultimately won by the latter. By the time the end credits were rolling he was sound asleep.
Marsh could see the Tanuki was asleep and while he didn’t want to stay at the apartment too long, he was far too comfortable to get up or move. Instead he sent a text to Ronnie, asking him to feed Rudy. He readjusted himself and Nobu so that they were laying side by side and fell asleep. Sure he was a tall man but his leg would be ok sleeping on a couch for one night.
As he drifted off he couldn’t help but feel like things still weren’t right, like there was someone he still needed to make amends with...or two.