Who: Shane (closed, narrative) What: Getting the fuzzy back in the building - letter reading. Where: 601 When: The day before the group plot. Warnings: ...depressing? OH NO ONE IS SURPRISED.
After the other wolf had left, Shane stayed in the park for a day or two. He avoided contact with humans, ate what small prey he could find, and generally enjoyed the time on his own.
Shane had only ever been good with people on a cursory level. He could feign normalcy for them, enough to be forgotten and passed over. In Bellum, of course, all of that had fallen to the wayside. The carefully maintained facade was in shambles. He couldn't go back to the way things had been before, for reasons of doubt and guilt if nothing else.
So if he did decide to go back - and this was an if that had come only after spending weeks inside human society but outside it, with strange women in dreams and wolves that made him feel more part of something than most humans did - what waited for him there? Not Boyd. He would have to stay as far away from her as possible while still living in the same building, and go out of his way to avoid her activity on the boards, but he might be able to manage it. Just moving out was a nerve-wracking possibility - what if he moved out and being a wolf was no longer an option? Then he'd be totally alone with no way out. Not a future he wanted to contemplate for too long.
There was peace in this kind of an existence, even if it was selfish. He could be on his own, eat and sleep, not have to talk to people or pretend anything. For the first time in years, there was a respite from the burning anger and desire to destroy, mitigated by focusing on survival and pulling prey apart from his teeth. But it accomplished nothing. He survived, but he made no mark. Helped no one.
On the third day, he began making his way back into the city, following the path that Lone had led. The whole way, he kept one thing in mind - if he went back and it was the same as before, he could always go right back out to the wilderness again, and never come back. Trying one more time couldn't hurt.
Well, it could, but not a hurt that couldn't be fixed.
By the time he reached the building again, he was already tired, and seeing it come into view left him with a determined kind of dread. It was surprisingly easy to nose his way back into the building and make his way up to the sixth floor - not so easy to get into his apartment. The halls were deserted, however, and a little scrabbling at the doorknob found that it opened with ease.
The place looked exactly as it had when he'd left it, and not for the first time he wondered about Seamus, who had taken her in. He'd have to go find her in a short while.
Changing back hurt - it hurt a lot. He didn't know if it was because he'd spent so long as a wolf or because he had to push himself to do it, but by the time he was done he'd gone from drained to exhausted. It took him a while to motivate himself up off the floor and into some clothes, and then he went back into the living room. It was only now that he realized how hungry he was. Wolves could last a lot longer without food that humans could, and part of his fresh fatigue was from a lack of nutrition.
He hesitated at the letter, then picked it up.
He had been hoping that it wouldn't be from Boyd. He had been hoping that it had been from anyone else, since seeing her script ignited a fresh pain in his chest. Had she heard about where he'd gone?
Then he read the first sentence, and sat down on the couch. Then he read the rest.
It was old news, some of it. I hurt you, you hurt me, and then we do it all over again. So she was leaving, had left - how long ago? To try to prevent anything else from happening, to save herself and everyone else from hurt.
In my head and in my heart you’re mine, no matter what’s happened. He stopped reading, briefly, swallowed. He'd thought he could come back and she would still be there. Stupid thought. That he could just live in the building and pretend it didn't bother him if she ran off with someone else. But she was right. If he couldn't be with her, the thought of her with someone else was even worse, and that was selfish - she'd admitted as much herself.
I forgive you.
Did she mean that? Was it just said to placate him? No, this letter was honest, things she had wanted to say before disappearing out of his life forever. Forever. He was never going to see her again.
He felt the tugging urge to be a wolf again, to just go. Why did he bother with this? Why did he try to be human when he knew he wasn't any good at it? All there was waiting for him here was human pain, the kind he couldn't get away from. He should have known that from the start.
But he didn't leave. He folded the letter and left it on the dresser, and then fell into bed. If he was going to find tears, now was the time. First time in twenty years. Surely, the occasion was worth it.
Nothing. He fell asleep and dreamed of red hair and soft skin and a sweet smile he would never see again.