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Hannah Silver {Cinderella} ([info]noglass_slipper) wrote in [info]bellumlogs,
@ 2010-02-25 19:16:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:cinderella, red riding hood

Who: Hannah and Boyd
What: A chance meeting in group therapy
Where: Local charity hospital
When: After this and this
Warnings: Medical stuff, maybe?


When Hannah was first admitted to the mental hospital, her therapy was one-on-one with her psychiatrist, but after a few years and some progress she was introduced to group therapy. For months she refused to talk despite the therapist's best attempts, but during her last two years she began to open up. The others in group had been through similar experiences - two had previously attempted suicide, and nearly all had been abused in some way - and they understood, in a strange way. They'd all been through things they couldn't handle and hit rock bottom, lashing out at either themselves or others.

Once she'd been released, though, she'd gone back to weekly therapy sessions with her psychiatrist that soon became every other week. She was pleased with the progress Hannah was making, and even though she still prescribed two kinds of medication, the time when she would no longer need them was coming.

Or so she thought.

Hannah called her psychiatrist the evening the discovered Emery was gone, which resulted in a last-minute session the next day. She'd told the doctor about Emery and Liam moving in - she'd only given their first names - and described how she knew Emery, how glad she was that he'd moved in and she couldn't wait to see him again. Now she found herself telling her psychiatrist that he'd left without any warning, rambling on about how good he'd been to her but she hadn't been there when he needed her and it was her fault he was gone.

She refused to talk about Liam, though.

By the end of the session, her psychiatrist had recommended that she try attending one of her group therapy sessions at one of the smaller hospitals. She thought it might help to vocalize her feelings about Emery's departure, not to mention the fact that she suspected there was a reason Hannah wouldn't talk about his brother.

So here she was in group therapy, surrounded by people she didn't know but obviously needed to be here as much as she did. Her psychiatrist was leading the session, although she said she was there as a 'facilitator' more than anything else, and this was supposed to be a place for them to share their feelings without fear of judgment. First each member - including herself - had introduced themselves, and although a few names sounded familiar, she didn't recognize any faces.

She did notice that all of the people seated in the circle were female. Only one was a redhead, one hand swathed in bandages with bruises and marks visible on her exposed skin. Her own bruises had faded, and the knife wound on her shoulder was almost completely healed.

Maybe she'd share, but for now she was content to listen.


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[info]ex_sanguine300
2010-02-26 04:12 am UTC (link)
Boyd smiled back and she almost giggled, which drew the attention of the facilitator, who asked her to go next. It was as if going out of turn was going to cause her to better behave herself, and she decided to play nice and make the stress lines smoothe away from the woman's forehead.

"I care for him lots, and he needs me, needs my help," she explained, adding. "But I ain't sure I got it in me to give it anymore. I'm tired, and I hurt all over, and I- I want him happy and right with himself. I just don't think I can handle that being my job. Someone else told me that I shouldn't be lettin' myself be hurt, but I didn't think about it until right then. It was my job, to be that for him, to let him take it out on me." She paused. "It's real complicated."

She didn't look at Hannah this time, because that had all been hard to say to anyone other than Daniel, so she sat back quietly and waited for the same question to get around to Hannah instead.

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[info]noglass_slipper
2010-02-26 05:09 am UTC (link)
Hannah was beginning to relax, even though she was still counting down the minutes until the session was over. Talking about things made them impossible to deny, which was why she suspected her psychiatrist wanted her here in the first place.

She listened to all the women this time, but once again Red caught her attention. Complicated - she could understand that better than anyone.

When it came time for her turn, she hesitated. On the one hand she could talk about Liam as a separate person entirely. He was a jerk, I didn't really know him, end of story. On the other, she could be a little more truthful.

"I cared about him a lot. It's complicated and doesn't even make sense to me, but we knew each other for a long time. I didn't realize it then, but I do now. He... He always listened, you know? When no one else would, he did. He did everything he could to help me and fix my problems, and even though he couldn't, he still tried. I never realized that he... might have had problems of his own too." She kept her gaze on the far wall, carefully not looking at anyone. "He never told me. I had to find out the hard way, and now it's too late to help him. It's partly my fault, because I could have done something if I'd just looked a little closer." Unconsciously she brought a hand to her shoulder, rubbing at the bandage under her shirt. "But he never meant to hurt me. I know that much."

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[info]ex_sanguine300
2010-02-26 05:16 am UTC (link)
It was the last sentence that caught Boyd's attention the most, and she stared at Hannah a long time after that, her expression thoughtful. She tuned out the facilitator, who was explaining that even if the man had problems, that didn't excuse him hurting Hannah.

Never meant to hurt me, that she could relate to. Whatever else she could say about Shane, she knew that he'd never meant to hurt her. That he would have rather died first. It was what made her feel out of place in this circle of women. Shane couldn't help himself. Like Hannah's friend, he had problems of his own, needed help himself.

That she'd allowed him to do what he did, yes, that spoke to her own issues of co-dependence, but that was her issue and not his. "If you never tell them to stop, they ain't really responsible," she ventured, when the circle went quiet for discussion. "I mean, if you let them think it's okay to do, is it really right to get all upset about it after?" she asked, because that was what it came down to for her, and she knew that's what it had come down to for Daniel too, when she'd told him about Shane. She'd never told him no.

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[info]noglass_slipper
2010-02-26 08:39 am UTC (link)
Hannah had to bite her tongue to keep herself from arguing. That was the problem with psychiatrists; sometimes they saw things in black and white when it wasn't that simple. She didn't know him, so how dare she make judgments?

No matter what anyone told her she'd always know it was her fault - maybe not entirely, but she wasn't completely blameless. She'd purposely been blind to his flaws, depending on him too much to allow herself to admit the fact that he might have been just as troubled as she was. Whatever problems he had, she had a feeling he'd kept them hidden around her, and she'd never forgive herself for letting that happen.

The facilitator immediately focused on Red's statement, emphasizing the fact that this wasn't their fault; that no one should ever hurt them in the first place, and they weren't the ones who were responsible for the actions of others. Doing so only enabled their abusers to continue the vicious cycle. "Wait a minute. Sometimes things are... complicated." Hannah tilted her head to the side, studying Red. "This friend of mine, I depended on him too much to take away my own pain and make everything better. He did the same, I think, in a way. He depended on me to distract him, to make him forget about his problems by focusing on mine and I let it happen. I should have put a stop to it, but I didn't." She glanced around the room, suddenly regretting speaking up. "I just... every situation is different. But I think I know... what you're saying." She shrugged, shrinking slightly under her psychiatrist's gaze. "That's all."

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[info]ex_sanguine300
2010-02-26 02:44 pm UTC (link)
Boyd was surprised Hannah spoke up, but she was smiling by the time the other girl was done. Or, she was until Hannah wilted under the psychiatrist's gaze. Boyd had spent a lifetime with psychiatrists telling her she didn't see what she knew she saw, so she didn't put too much stock in the profession overall. Books only covered so many things, she knew, and psychiatrists were humans, just like the rest of them, and equally prone to mistakes and emotional judgments.

"Depending on people's a problem," Boyd said, before the psychiatrist could take Hannah to task. It didn't skip her notice that they were taking over this therapy session, but she didn't mind it either. "I've done that for a long time. Thought finding someone could make everything all better for me. It ain't true," she said, looking at Hannah when she said it. "I think the needing makes us blind to things some, because we need the person so much we overlook things we would notice real fast in others." She smiled. "I think it might be about helping and wanting, but without the needing so much," she told the other woman, as if they were the only two people in the room. "We gotta be able to be a me first, honey, before we can go being a we." A smile. "I'm real bad at that."

When the facilitator cleared her throat, Boyd looked back at her. If someone you cared about was being hurt as you were hurt, what would you do, the woman asked the circle.

That was playing dirty, Boyd thought.

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[info]noglass_slipper
2010-02-26 09:50 pm UTC (link)
Hannah wasn't sure if the other women were grateful that they didn't need to speak or if they resented the fact that she and Red seemed to be the most vocal of the group. She didn't mean to overpower anyone, and she certainly didn't want to make it seem like it was okay to let yourself be hurt. She just couldn't stand the facilitator's black and white view of things.

When Red started to talk, though, she didn't care if the others wanted to say something. She understood. Hannah had spent so many years trying to find someone to save her because she didn't know how to save herself. When Emery had come along, she'd been desperate to see nothing but the good, because he was everything her stepmother wasn't. He was older, accomplished, and he actually cared. Flaws didn't exist because she couldn't bear to lose someone like that. Even though she'd still come far too close to ending it, she'd never blamed him for failing.

She wanted to tell the other girl that she understood, but all she had time to do was convey all that in a simple look.

The next question made her jaw clench. It wasn't fair, and for a moment she considered not answering. Still, Hannah managed to wait until the other women offered their opinions. I would do anything I could to help them, was the common answer. After all, who would say that they would stand by and let them be hurt?

"Of course I'd do whatever I could to help them and make it stop." Hannah paused. She said that now, but that wasn't what she'd done, was it? "No one would say otherwise. But it's like Red said. You have to be able to be a me before a we. If you can't recognize your own problems and help yourself, how can you hope to help anyone else?"

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[info]ex_sanguine300
2010-02-26 09:59 pm UTC (link)
Boyd smiled. She was adopting Hannah. That was that; she'd decided.

"We're all sitting around here talking about them and blaming them all for what they did, and I ain't saying they weren't in the wrong, but it starts with us, don't it? There's something that makes us stay when we shouldn't. Some needing thing that doesn't wanna be alone or thinks we ain't good enough. We're scared. More scared of that than of fists or teeth or anything else."

She went quiet, but only for a moment. "I'd beat the ever-living tar out of someone who hurt anyone I cared about," she said with blunt honesty. "That don't mean I can do the same for myself," she added.

"Why don't we talk about what love should be instead?" she asked. "'Cause that's what all it's about, ain't it? Love. We take what they dish out 'cause we wanna be loved, and we wanna not be alone. So why not talk about what we should be getting from a lover, instead of what we all already know how to get from them?"

It was blunt, spoken quickly despite the slow and syrupy drawl. Boyd hadn't intended to actually get anything out of this group meeting, but she found that in this circle, well, she might as well ask while she was sitting here.

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[info]noglass_slipper
2010-02-27 07:30 am UTC (link)
The more she listened to Red talk, the more she thought that there was something oddly familiar about her. Hannah couldn't quite place it, and she had no idea if she actually even knew her from anywhere, but it just wouldn't go away.

She was smart, this girl. Hannah didn't doubt that every woman in the room was scared, and it was that fear that made them stay. The fear of being alone even if they - like her - might deny it, of losing that one person that at least pretended to care. Sometimes they really did, if you were lucky.

The facilitator didn't seem to mind the question, encouraging the other women to contribute their thoughts - a few did, but Hannah practically had to bite her tongue once more to let them have their turn. What it should be - unselfish, unconditional, and honest. Those were the typical answers, and it was what they all wanted, but did it even exist? "Well-- a relationship, it should go both ways. Depending on someone to be perfect won't work, because no one is, and then it's just them trying to live up to our expectations - or failing, and either way it won't end well. Hiding things and pretending they're not there - it might seem like caring, but maybe what we should get is honesty. We have to know about the bad, but there shouldn't be that dependence on them to fix everything, and that goes both ways. We need to help ourselves before we can go helping a-- a lover. And maybe... well, maybe that means love should be being apart for a while sometimes."

She glanced down at her hands, voice growing soft. "Maybe it means being apart for good, even."

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[info]ex_sanguine300
2010-02-27 07:46 am UTC (link)
Boyd listened to everything Hannah said, but that last sentence made her go completely still and completely quiet. She hugged her knees up against her chest, her feet on the seat of the chair, and she looked at the blonde for a moment, quiet.

It wasn't that what she said was something Boyd hadn't considered; she had. But thinking about it still made her sad. She wanted Shane to get better, and she wasn't sure he could do it without her. In that moment, she wanted to talk to someone who knew them both so badly she could taste it, and she considered sending a message to Daniel, calling him at Piedmont, showing up there, something - but she just rested her chin on her knees and was silent.

She was quiet as the rest of the group talked, and she wondered where Shane was. She kept glancing over at Hannah, even though she didn't say anything else. She wondered if the woman lived in the safe house, or if she lived somewhere else.

She wanted to find out, and as the session started coming to a close, she grabbed the sign in sheet paper that was being passed around, and she scribbled her e-mail address (favoritethings@gmail.com) and handed it to her.

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[info]noglass_slipper
2010-02-27 08:22 am UTC (link)
Hannah kept quiet after her turn, fighting the sudden and unwelcome urge to cry. She could go back to the building after this, and if her psychiatrist wanted to schedule another session before the one she had next week, well, she could call her. There was no reason for her to stay here at the hospital, especially not in the psych ward - she hadn't admitted to anything that would cause herself harm. Someone hurting her wasn't enough to earn herself another stay in a mental hospital, and since Emery and Liam really were gone, nothing more could be done.

She wished she could talk to Red without everyone else around, but she had no idea where she lived or even what her real name was. The e-mail written on the sign in paper surprised her, but at the same time she was suddenly grateful. Glancing upward, she met the girl's eyes with a smile and a nod.

It would be nice to have someone who understood, even if their correspondence was over the computer.

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[info]ex_sanguine300
2010-02-27 04:28 pm UTC (link)
Boyd was glad the session came to a close when it did. She was shaking fairly significantly by the time it was over (from the reduced load of drugs in her system) and when the nurse came to walk her back to her room, she reached over and squeezed Hannah's hand warmly before going. "It's going to be okay," she promised the other woman soothingly, her smile genuine. "E-mail me?" she asked.

She slipped her hand from Hannah's and offered her one more smile, a smile that said she was glad to have met a kindred spirit, and she let the nurse take her back to her room and her medicines.

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[info]noglass_slipper
2010-02-27 05:46 pm UTC (link)
Hannah was planning on calling a cab back, and the arrival of the nurse told her that Red was staying here at the hospital, or at least somewhere close by. Her hand was oddly comforting despite everything, and she found herself returning the smile. "I will."

She watched the nurse lead Red out, remembering the days when she had been in a similar situation, before heading outside to wait.

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