We're taught, when we're very young, that sex is something secretive and wrong, that pleasure is an indication of perversion and that masturbation is a taboo. How are we expected to grow up with a healthy opinion of anything sexual? And then, to make matters worse, we're taught that sex and love belong hand-in-hand, and that women and men are meant to live happy ever after to the ends of our days. It ties everything up in a knot that no one can ever make sense of, and that doesn't even address the fact that women and men are raised to want completely different things from one another. We doom ourselves from the cradle when it comes to matters of the heart. Our value is not merely in being decorative, to paraphrase a famous authoress, but men are taught that is the value of women. And women are taught to await a knight in shining armor that will take care of them and cherish them for all time.
As for surface and politeness, once you're at the point you've so eloquently set out, it isn't politeness anymore - interest supersedes politeness in all circumstances.
My expectations, Ed Strong, are decided by my mind.