The Bear and Barnacle

The first thing he feels - ( ouch )

from the Kent Messenger

Margate- Residents and tourists in the seaside resort town got a bit of unexpected weather yesterday when a rain of fish suddenly dropped on a quiet block near the beach. The rain began at approximately 8:05AM GMT and ended some ten minutes later. Professor Fred Windbright of the Royal Meteorological Society theorised that the fish (which were mostly deep-sea dwellers) might have been the result of a water spout in the Atlantic. “They’re like Hoovers you know, waterspouts,” he commented. “Suck up anything in their path and then when the wind goes, it just drops. Not an unheard of phenomenon. Rare though, certainly. There was a rain of frogs in Essex a couple of years ago.” Naturally, this has caused some consternation for the town council, who will be meeting in emergency session to try to decide what to do about the mess. Local homeless advocates are chivying for saving the fish to feed the needy. The local animal shelter has been overwhelmed with calls to come and remove various cats, dogs, birds and other animals that are helping themselves to the bounty. The waste removal force is already complaining about the extra work this means for them, busy as they are with the increased rubbish of the season. “My lads will be clocking up the overtime,” said R P Taylor, supervisor of the local union. “I just want to know who’s going to pay for it all.” Residents of the house where the majority of the fish landed refused to speak to reporters.

Eight Things Severus Snape Has Learned This Week

1. Having one's own voice back is a decided advantage in persuading Margate to let one apparate out for the day; with a voice that sounds like one's spent one's life sucking coffin-nails, a person had best not attempt to leave for more than a few hours, and certainly not two days in a row.

2. ( The potioneer's association's clerks lead sad, pathetic lives. )

Rincewind found them floating in a tidal pool. He’d been walking along the beach and spotted several orange things just bobbing in the shallow water. Upon further investigation, they’d turned out to be pumpkins, which as far as Rincewind knew were not normally sea-dwelling vegetables. (Unless they’re fruits). A slender white stick bobbed there as well. He’d picked it up, not really thinking, and stuck it in his hat. He’d also picked up the largest of the pumpkins and taken it back to the pub. Not knowing precisely why he was doing this, Rincewind snuck into the kitchen and helped himself to several sizes of knife. He spent a good fifteen minutes pacing back and forth in front of the table. “AH!” Struck by inspiration (it does happen!) he went at the pumpkin busily for an hour or so. There was a mess of seeds, string and bits of pumpkin strewn about when he was done, but Rincewind was delighted. “I shall call it: “A Tribute to Reg Shoe!”