callisto24 (callisto24) wrote in backupcopythat, @ 2008-03-22 12:57:00 |
|
|||
Current mood: | nostalgic |
Past and Future, Chapter 1
title: past and future
author: callisto24
fandom: 24
charakters: Jack, Chase, Tony, Chloe, Kim
category: drama, m/m slash
theme: pre season 3, not much happens, angst!
Rating: NC-17
warnings: drugs, graphic m/m slash, don’t like it, don’t read it!!!, violence, season 5 spoilers, no beta, not my native language, so volunteers, corrections, tips... always very welcome...
disclaimer: everything belongs to 24, no money made ....
* * * * *
“I ́ m able to work alone. There are no problems with my heart anymore.” Jack growled at Tony. “I ́ m not used to explain everything to a kid, who comes in here, fresh from training, and has no idea how to behave in the field.”
“Decision is made, Jack, you have nothing to say in this case. Instructions are coming directly from Division, and they definitely won ́ t give in. I ́ m sorry, but at least, I took care that your new partner turns out to be the best choice available.”
Jack sighed, nodded at Tony and left the office. He went down the stairs, where Chloe O ’ Brien chatted with a young man, short haired, bright green eyes. She noticed him and without an excuse, she stepped in his way.
“Jack, this is your new partner, Chase Edmunds. He arrived earlier to be able to take care of some personal stuff.”
Jack, often forced to be rude, himself, tried to suppress a smile at the sight of the handsome young agent, who squirmed uncomfortably with Chloes words, obviously sensed them as kind of impolite. But sooner, than Jack would have expected, Agent Edmunds regained self-consciousness.
“It ́ s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bauer.” Jack examined him shortly before they shook hands and tried to respond, but something stopped him unexpectedly. He blinked insecure about how to react, unable to resist the magic appearing in this twinkling eyes.
“Uhm,” he cleared his throat. “Nice to meet you, too, Chase. Call me Jack, will probably make things easier for us.”
“I told you,” Chloe grinned.
“So... , you know each other?”
Both smiled slightly. “He ́ s like my little brother,” Chloe answered. “Always needs to be taken care of. Right, Chase?”
Chase blushed, tried desperately to improve the impression his new boss must gain, but failed completely. He started to stutter, staring nervously on his feet.
“Well, it ́ s okay,” Jack grinned. “We all need a big sis, sometimes. To assure his comment, he tapped at Chases shoulder, but pulled back immediately, when the light touch seemed to send electric waves through his body.
“What the... ?“ He startled, glanced up and met those green eyes, wide in shock, proof that Chase must have felt it, too. The young man shivered lightly, confusion, mixed with fear emitted from the slim figure, increased the inner turmoil in Jacks mind. He needed all his strength and experience to cover his emotions.
Chloe stayed oblivious to their behaviour, which lasted only seconds, but threatened to complicate their future relationship persistently.
Tony watched from above, somehow worried about his friend. He knew how difficult it had been for Jack to come to this place again, especially on a regular basis, but he also was convinced, that Jack needed to move on, to face his demons, who were hiding here behind every corner. He worried about him, worried, that he won ́t take care of himself anymore, which would mean danger for the work, he was supposed to do, and for the people involved. This worry had been the reason for him to suggest a partner, though he would never admit to Jack, that it had been at first his idea.
But somehow the view of the two men, shaking hands, a little too long, mesmerized, while staring in each others eyes, caused a strange and unpleasant feeling in his guts. The electricity, he felt downstairs, seemed to rise, moved through the big glass windows into his office, causing the hair in his neck to stand up. Something was going on, something, he hadn ́ t expected.
* * * * *
He knew, that Chase knew. He knew it, but he would never talk about it, and either would Chase, never, he could swear. But there existed no possibility, that the younger agent, hadn ’ t noticed.yet. Not the way, he was always behind him, not able to leave him alone for a second, until he started to shout and struggled for a little space. For the space, he needed desperately, to regain peace, the kind of peace, only the drug could give him.
Somehow the kid looked hurt, everytime he pushed him away, yelled at him, let his anger out at him, but then, he took it all, patient and quiet, knowing, that he wasn ́ t the reason for his anger. They talked behind his back, wondering, what could have happened in Mexico, speculated about his changing moods, but connected it all with the long hard time undercover and the still unsatisfactory results of the mission.
When he met Tonys eyes, when he saw the concern rising in these obsidian pools, each time they caught a glimpse of the desperation, he knew, he sometimes wasn ́ t able to hide completely; whenever it happened, he wished, he could vanish from earth, without leaving a trace, without leaving a single memory in his friends mind or in the minds of others.
Even Kim couldn ’ t help. On the contrary, her presence raised the pressure, lying on him, heavy and suffocating. If he was honest to himself, he had to admit, that he somehow looked forward to the new mission, planned secretly between only three people. At least it distracted him, replaced unbearable thoughts and memories with familiar strain and strangely... hope. The hope, which had become his only reason to look forward, the hope, that this assignment will turn out to be his last.
Sometimes the wish to escape grew so strong, that he was tempted to do something in order to reach his final aim. It would be so easy, simply overdosing, arranging an unfortunate accident, like the ones happening all the time, and he would be free forever.
But he couldn ́ t. He was destined to fight. He knew, even if he would loose everything, and... he had lost nearly everything, somehow somewhat forced him to fight, forced him to struggle, to move on, denied him to give up, ever.
He wasn ́ t sure about religion or philosophy, but if he had to fulfil a fate, the battle would be his. The hardest part was to wait for the inevitable moment, the one moment, he would finally loose the fight, and now, all he did, was waiting for this day..
He knew, that Tony was worried, he had turned out to be his closest friend, and more. Sometimes he wondered why he had cut off all the contacts, remembering him on his past. Tony had stayed the only one, whose presence he could bear, who had been able to offer him some supportance, to comfort him, help him through his darkest hours after Teris death.
He was glad for him, that he had probably found, what he had searched for in his marriage with Michelle, even if this left him further alone.
But Chase was different. The boy definitely was a tough one, perfect to work with. Sometimes he believed seriously, that he was able to read his thoughts, that they were connected on a deeper level, though he always had resisted to believe in stuff like that. Fact was, that he feared him coming too close, and therefore tried to avoid nearer contact. An impossible task, for the kid seemed to be everywhere and everytime. It was annoying. Jack needed to be alone, but somehow started to accustome to the fact, that his back felt covered by someone, who could be trusted. With Nina always on his mind, he wouldn ́ t allow him to come nearer than necessary, but deep inside, he was convinced, that Chase would always be on his side. He avoided him for different reasons, reasons, which had their source in the moment, they had met. Still, he had no clue about how to put his feelings in order, but he had decided this time to stay away. He had certainly no intention to create more trouble.
Somehow he understood Chases behaviour, understood it far too well, in fact, he had showed the same attitudes so many years ago. He had admired Christopher Henderson, followed him everywhere, tried to learn everything from this man, started to behave like him, to become like him. It hadn ́ t been easy to discover, that he had worshipped the wrong person, and he was convinced, that sooner or later, Chase would be forced to make a comparable experience. But he won ’ t, if Jack was able to prevent it, and therefore, he had decided to increase the distance.
Unfortunately he had to admit, that the temptation grew stronger, each day. Neither his rudeness, nor his constant growling turned out to be enough to get rid of the boy, and besides, he wasńt sure, if it was, what he really wanted. His strength was absorbed by work and the desire for the drug, anything else remained second row.
Nevertheless, everytime Chase approached him, he felt something descending from the other agent. His eyes, full of anger or hurt or especially when he was laughing threw sparkles directly into his heart, warmed him up from the inside, helped him endure his loneliness and guilt. Jack wasn ́ t naive, he recognized at least a part of his feelings, though he was used to fight it, and Chase was definitely a very attractive man.
Tony hadn ́ t been the first, with whom he had shared a special connection, who had been able to give him, what no woman would be able to give, and he still longed desperately for his touch, though he knew, that it wouldn ́ t happen again. Tony tried to remain faithful, and Jack wasn ́ t the kind of man, who intended to destroy their happiness.
He knew, that he would have the power, could tell, by the way Tony looked at him, sometimes worried, but sometimes full of passion, incapable to conceal his desire. A sight, Jack remembered too well from too many occasions, leading to hours of passion, bitter and sweet, soft and forceful, hot bodies moving against each other in the comfort of the night, searching something besides release, besides pure lust, besides the closeness of another human.
These moments forced him to leave at once, to withdraw from whatever he was doing and to run for salvation, salvation he found with the needle. He wanted to quit, wished he could find the strength, but in the end, he always surrendered. And time went by, people noticed, that he was in bad shape, he couldn ́ t help, but admit it, and still the pressure grew day by day. There was no way for him to escape.
* * * * *
And suddenly there were only three days left, and his condition was worse than ever before. They had met in Tonys office, exchanged silently the last instructions, noted in coded files. Tony had made it clear, that he wasn ́ t comfortable with the plan, but they were running out of chances, couldn ́ t afford to loose more time.
Gael left, and suddenly it was only Tony and him, sharing the same room, recognizing the heat, emanating from their bodies.
“Jack!” Tonys voice cracked. “I ‘ d wish... ,” he paused, licked nervously his lips. “You know, I regret..., if things were different... .”
Jack shivered lightly, let his eyes drop to the ground and felt Tonys view resting on him, wandering over his body, as it has done so many times before. He knew, that he couldn ́ t bear it any longer.
“Have to go,” he told the glassy floor, quickly stood up and hurried to get out, sensed Tonys try to grip him, but managed to shake him off and left his office without looking back.
Fast steps led him to the distant changing room, a place, kind of out-of-the-way, mainly used by himself during one of these endless day, when he wasn ‘ t able to leave CTU for more than 24 hours.
He opened the door, listened a moment, but the part of the building seemed to be disturbing quiet. After having shut the door from inside, he rushed to his closet, without switching on the light, threw it open, and untied with trembling hands the small drug kit, he had carefully secured in the dark backside, laid it on the single chair and started to roll up his shirts sleeve. He couldn ́ t wait any longer, prepared his utensils, and began to bind the rubber around his upper arm, when he froze within the movement. Low sounds were heard, quick steps came closer.
“Damnit,” he cursed, removed the ribbon, closed the kit, and threw it back into his closet, just when Chase arrived.
“What are you doing here,” he barked, suddenly aware of his own appearance, hiding in an abandoned room in the middle of the day, one sleeve rolled up, breathing heavily, trying to suppress his shaking.
“I... ,” Chase stuttered, took in the sight, but refused to say anything. He wouldn ́ t tell him, that he wasn ‘ t here by coincidence, that he had decided to follow him, after he had watched him leave Tony. The situation had appeared strange to him, and he still had no idea, why Jack would run away in such a haste, an evident troubled expression on his face. Something was going on, and Chase needed to know, what it was about.
“Forget it!” Jack shook his head and regained control, calmed down at once. “I just hadńt expected someone to appear.”
“Sure.” Chase watched him silently, unable to move, searched for his eyes, which shone dark and sad, bigger than ever, dominating the pale face.
Jack turned away, absent mindly went through the contents of his closet, when he felt the familiar first signs of nausea rise, which he had learned to recognize early enough to prevent his passing out, during his time in Mexico.
* * * * *
He sank down on the bench near the wall and took his head between his knees, unaware of Chases sudden concern.
“What ́ s the matter,” the young agent asked alarmed.
“Nothing,” Jack succeeded to croak. “Just some circulatory trouble, couldn ‘ t sleep properly last time.”
“Well,” Chase hesitated.. “You look sick. Is there anything I can do for you?”
Jack shook his head slightly, sighed and raised the upper part of his body after a while, let his head sink back against the wall and closed his eyes. Wished, that Chase would leave him alone, but there came no sound from the place where he was standing.
Finally Jack opened his eyes again, waited until the spinning world got some peace again.
Chase watched him, a worried expression on his face, hadn ́ t moved an inch. Jack couldn ́ t avoid to be touched by the way the young man seemed to care. Some harsh words came to his mind. He wanted to throw them against Chase, scream at him, make him run away, but somehow appeared to be far too tired to act.
Without noticing, he groaned out of frustration, and unexpectedly the slim shape took seat next to him, cool fingers touched his forehead, apparently checking for a fever.
The coldness made him quiver, but simultanously shot hot flames through his intestines, burnt him up from the inside.
He bent forward, although the cramp in his stomach hurt like hell, but automatically tried to conceal the confusion, racing through his blood, the surprising effect Chases closeness had on the lower parts of his body, which the heroin abuse had paralyzed for a long time until now.
Chase pulled back immediately, sensed his abrupt discomfort and stood up.
“Chase - wait!” Jack reached for his wrist, held on it with an iron grip.
Dark blue eyes met bright green ones, became hypnotized. Hopelessness mixed up with confidence, despair changed into trust, when Jack got lost in the view.
Without thinking Chase carefully reached out, pulling the other man close. Jacks eyes widened at the move, his mouth opened in surprise. Chase drew him tighter to him and bent his head, finding the parting, questioning lips, sealing their mouths together in a single, fluent motion.
More than astonished at his own behaviour, Chase couldn ́ t refuse, what seemed so natural to him, wrapped the pliant body close against his. He felt Jack shudder in his embrace, yet there was no pulling back. Jack responded like a man sweapt away, leaning into the kiss. The incredible tender caress only lastet a part of a moment, extending in their minds to eternity, until Jacks body protested. He groaned and wrenched involuntarily out of the kiss. Chase groaned too, a complementary sound of deprivation, when their lips parted and Jack stood up determined, almost pushed him crudely out of his way, when he ran outside, as if he would try to escape an overwhelming danger.
“Jesus, what has he done?” Chase staggered. He couldn ́ t believe what had happened. He must have gone completely nuts, kissing his boss, his partner, a man, who had never implicated, that he would be interested in him, that he would be interested in same sex encounters even. He sat down heavily, dug his fingers in his short hair, started to move back and forth in desperation.
He should be happy, that Jack hadn ́ t beaten him up. Probably he would have done, if he wasn ́ t that worn out. Chase pressed his fists against his forehead. This could turn out really bad! If Jack decided to report his failure, if he told Tony... . Chase stopped his silent accusations. A thought struck him. Jack ran out of Tonys office, Jack seemed distracted, whenever the other man was around. Jack avoided contact, whenever possible... .Jacks face expressed pain, whenever Tony tried to approach him.
“Nonsense!” Chase shook his head wildly. His mind started to play tricks on him, searching for a way to explain the situation, to keep himself from harm. The only thing for him to do now, would be to deal with the consequences, and it would be up to Jack to decide his fate.
But the pain inside grew with the conviction, that he had messed up, that their relationship will be destroyed forever.
Jack ran through the hallway, his heart pounded violently in his chest. What a damage he had done! He obviously was about losing it. Which evil spirits must have possessed his mind, when he couldn ́ t get a grip on himself?
He must have scared the boy to death, at first nearly passing out, and then forcing himself on the guy, who clearly just wanted to help. Did his need for human touch grow so strong, that he had no control anymore about his behaviour? This turned out to be serious, not only that he was a mess, he seemed to become a danger, not able to trust himself anymore.
He suddenly stood, panting. No excuses anymore, he had to quit, had to stop using at once. No way, that anything like this would happen again. He didn ́ t cared about, if Chase would report the incident, this problem could be handled later. Now he had to think only about the upcoming mission, and the necessity to stay clean. Horrible to imagine, what else could happen, if he was losing control. There was too much, depending on him functioning.
* * * * *
It seemed, as if nothing had changed.
No awkward glances into his direction, no calling in for an interview or a special conference.
Jack wouldn ́ t meet his eyes, yet this wasn ́ t so unusual.
Still, Chases confusion got worse, his uncommon feelings of insecurity and embarrassment deteriorated. He longed for an undisturbed talk with his partner, but at the same time he recoiled from the inevitable meeting, though he knew, he couldn ́ t put off forever.
As soon as Jack would have overcome his disgust, he would force him to face the truth, that he couldn ́ t bear his presence any longer.
He tried to avoid looking at him, but failed again.
Jack went with Gael through some files, talking quietly, and Chase wondered again, what he was working at, when he left him out of the loop.
As the talented observer he used to be, he had noticed weeks ago the unobtrusive conspiracy taking place. Might be, that he had only been able to read the signs, because he couldn ́ t resist to pursue Jack night and day.
But watching him now, scared him again. He looked as pale as usual, continuously wiping the sweat from his face. There must be more behind, than simply lack of sleep, the man was clearly suffering.
He remembered the day they had met first. Jack obviously hadn ́ t given him the impression he had imagined after reading his files. He ‘d expected somehow to be overwhelmed by strength and dominance, that the experienced agent would behave like some kind of drill instructor, using him to do the jobs, he wanted to get rid of.
Instead, there was this small, slim man, greeting him friendly, but distant, integrating him nearly at once into his work, accepting him in a way, he hadn ́ t been accepted before.
And then, there had been this moment, he clearly had refused to think about since then. The memory of drowning in this sea of blue, still haunted him in his dreams.
Jack caught a glimpse of Chase, staring at him, before the agent turned away quickly.
Damnit, he still had to talk to the boy. He felt awkward around him and certainly Chase felt similar. He sighed absent mindly, unaware of Gael still talking, until the other man lost his patience.
“Jack, are you listening?” He asked, hardly able to hide his rising nervousness. “You ́ re not looking good, man. Something I should know about, or at least Tony?”
“No, I ́ m fine.” Jack coughed slightly. “Guess we ‘ re ready here. I ́ ll go for some water.”
“Take care,” Gael nodded. “And don ́ t forget, he still needs to talk to you.”
“Yeah, I know,” Jack answered low. He wasn ́ t looking forward to this conversation, Tony had asked for, as soon as he had arrived in the morning. He could deal with business, but they had fixed everything already, the rest of the preparations had to go on autopilot. If there was some serious trouble, Tony would have approached im in a different manner. So he feared Tony might bring up something personal and he definitely wasn ‘ t in the shape to handle any of this. He only wanted to go home, curl up and endure the pain, until exhaustion would take over and offer him a moment of peace.
Finishing his water, he went to return into his office, but to his horror he saw Chase, who developed a determined posture, raising his chin, glancing finally freely at him. Apparently he had decided to confront him now. The guy had no idea, that probably in a few days the problem wouldń t exist anymore.
“Jack, would you come up to my office, please?”
The agent cursed lightly. Now he had the choice between two uncomfortable encounters. He inhaled, nodded apologizing to his partner and climbed up the stairs. Tony waved him in, reached for some buttons and the blinds closed immediately.
“What ‘s going on,” Jack wondered while his heart started to beat louder in his chest, when he remembered different occasions, Tony had done this.
Chase stared at the office, suddenly feeling awfully alone in this place full of busy working people. Chloe followed his look. “Secret stuff,” she said. “Tony ́s office is under a higher security level, and sometimes he has to exclude any risks. She lifted her eyebrowes. Hadn ́ t happened for weeks. Something will happen, soon, I ‘ m pretty sure.”
“Yes,” Chase agreed, adding a second meaning to her words and couldn ́ t help but watching the closed blinds non-stop, while his insides turned round.
“Shut the door, Jack, I have to talk to you.”
Jack did as he was told, and turned to face his former lover. “What do you want?” He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Not very clever to do this now.” He nodded in the direction of the closed blinds.
“It is necessary.” Tony stood up, and walked around his desk. There he stopped and leaned against ist, scratching his temple, always a sign, that he tried to speak out something difficult.
“I thought about it a lot and it bothered me, that I couldn ́ t talk to Michelle about it... .”
Jacks eyes dropped to the floor, but he remained silent, waiting what Tony would have to say.
“But I know, what she would bring up, and she would be right.”
“What do you want to say?”
Tony sighed. “I will stop this. It `s too dangerous, too crazy, and above all not worth the risk. We will come up with another plan.”
Jack stared at him in disbelief. “You dońt mean this.” He felt anger arise. “Are you completely nuts? We have prepared... ,” he started to choke, but managed to bring out the words. “Everything is ready and waiting. We have no time for another plan, and you know it.”
Tony stroked his dark hair back and looked at him. “I know, but... .”
“What?” Jack couldn ‘t suppress his fury. “You try to make things more difficult than they already are?”
Tony shook his head. “No, I... .” He sighed again. “Look Jack, I know, how you are dealing with risks, and I know, that you don ́ t care about your own life. Don ́ t think, that I ‘ m not aware of, what you are trying to do.”
He paused, avoided Jacks angry view. “But, truth is... , truth is, I can ́ t live with it.”
Jack startled. “Stop it! Stop it at once,” he croaked.
“Jack, I... . You mean something to me, I won ́ t deny it.”
“Tony, stop it.” Jack turned away. “You ‘ re not making sense. Leave it here!”
“No, I won ‘ t.” Tony grapped his shoulder, stood close behind him. “I don ́ t want to lose you,” he whispered. I can ́ t bear the thought.”
“But things won ‘ t change. There is no way out of this for us.”
“I don ́ t want to see you in this.”
“It ‘s not your decision.”
Tonys hand dropped, his other arm reached around Jacks flat belly, urging him closer to his body.
“No, Tony, please,” Jack whispered breathless, feeling the heat of the other man kindling his own fire. “You know, I can ́ t.”
“I missed you,” Tony said in an incredible husky voice. “I missed you more than I can tell.”
Jack sensed his blood run through him, burning, screaming, hurting, washing the rest of his rational mind away, leaving him with this unbearable longing, pulsing in his ears, taking over control, and he couldn ́ t prevent to melt against him. He opened his mouth, but no sound escaped, and suddenly he felt this tender hands touching his face, this familiar lips blowing soft kisses on his neck. Tears fell from his eyes, flew down his cheeks, when he couldn ́ t prevent a sob. It had been too long, since he had been touched by him and the pleasure mixed with guilt, desire with pain, passion with desperation.
“Please don ́ t,” Jack managed to mumble one last time, before Tony turned him round and claimed his mouth in a hard, demanding kiss. They pressed against each other, needing, wanting, afraid of letting go. Long fingers caught in Jacks hair, forcing his obedience to this hungry lips. And Jack gave in, let Tony do, what they both had waited for, let the taller man begin to fulfil their needs.
And Chases look clung to the room upstairs, unable to let go, as the two men inside were incapable to let go each other.
Jack gasped for air when Tony unfastened his belt, when his hand slipped under his shirt, caressed roughly the bare, smooth skin beneath, played a moment with the small, round nipples and went lower.
Their breathing quickened simultaneously and Jack bit his lip to avoid a sound. Tony started to suck his earlobe, moved his lips and tongue around and whispered hoarsely. “Have you been... .”
“No, no one, Tony since you.” His voice broke and he moaned, when his mouth was taken again. His lips parted willingly and Tonys tongue seeked his with an almost shocking urgency, probing, testing, devouring him until he started to feel dizzy from the lack of oxygen.
Tony pulled back, his eyes glazed with unhidden passion, when he turned Jack around in one strong fast effort, forced him to bent down over his desk. He rubbed his body promising against the smaller one, removed Jacks pants fast and pushed his knee between his legs, parting them as far as the trousers allowed him to. Groaning low he freed his cock and leant down to cover Jack inch by inch, licking and biting the soft skin above his loose collar.
“Please... ,” Jack managed to whisper, barely audible. “Fuck me, Tony!”
“There is no... , I have nothing here... .”
“I don ́ t care. Do it, now! I wanna feel you.”
Tony couldn ́ t hold back any more, ground his body against Jacks, moved into position, guided by feral need, and thrusted deep inside. Jack hissed sharply and Tony felt his body vibrating, when he began to thrust slowly back. Getting the message, Tony needed no further encouragement, supported himself on his arms, paused, just for a second, and started a steady rhythm, his strokes measured and strong.
Jack moaned when the feeling overwhelmed him. Every rotation of Tonys hips caused a gasp escaping from his open mouth.
Soon Tony lost control, quickened the pace, felt the explosion come nearer.
Jack surrendered totally as he was filled repeatedly, tears fell down without him noticing them, brought up by sensations, he had missed, more than he could have imagined.
Suddenly he felt his lover bury himself deep and stop as if frozen in place, felt him shudder and finally spill his seed inside him, bringing Jack over the edge, too.
Jack folded, followed by Tony who collapsed and draped his lovers sweaty back, rested panting. Nothing could be heard than their breathing, slowing down, when they both came down from their orgasms, when their rational brains took over again.
Jack sensed his partners sudden tension, after Tony had carefully started to pull back, and then soon heard him arranging his cloths.
Jack exhaled quietly, rised, gripped his trousers and buttoned them with shivering hands, eyes resting on his black leather belt, refusing to look up.
When he couldn ́ t delay it any longer, he turned round and watched Tony, who leant with his back against the wall, his face down, covered by his shirts sleeve.
His chest was moving up and down in emotion until he started to speak.
“I ́ m sorry, Jack! This shouldn ́ t... .” His voice broke. “It ` s all my fault. I didn ‘ t meant to make things harder for you... .”
Jack took a step into his direction, but suddenly froze, when he heard him continue in a whisper. “I ‘ m so sorry. It won ‘ t happen again, I promise.”
“It ‘ s okay, Tony.
His own voice seemed to come from a place far away, fading in the abyss which opened between them. “We needed it, so we can move on.”
He went to the door, passed the man, who was still hiding his face and left without another word. Tony would never know the amount of self control he needed to prevent breaking down, wrapping his arms around his lover, refusing to let him go, never, ever.
But another man knew.
When Jack left Tonys office, his face slightly flushed, shaking, eyes red and swollen, Chase knew. And he knew, that he hated his knowledge, that he hated Tony for using Jack like this, and that he hated Jack for being weak and let him.
And at the same time his heart ached by the sight of this man, his partner, who looked ultimately broken, the shadow of the man, he was supposed to be.
Jack lifted his hand and concealed his face, when he hastened to the next exit, upstairs.
Without hesitation Chase followed, allowing his worry to take over.
Soon he stood in another hallway and listened. Nothing!
He closed his eyes and concentrated. Where would he go?
Seconds past, when finally realization hit him and he climbed another stairway, turned left, used his keycard and opened the entrance to the abandoned examination room. It was dark inside, no windows, but Chase felt his presence. He switched on the light, discovered the small shape, squatting on the floor, in the distant corner, obviously unaware of his appearance. Expertly he deactivated the reception equipment with skilled moves and stood still, abruptly not able to think of an idea, what he should do now.
Jack had his knees pulled up, his face behind the firmly crossed arms.
Chase received no sound, no move, not even a breathing. Wavering he waited, watched the motionless man, curled up on the ground, and felt more helpless than ever before.
“Jack,” he said at last and hoped that his voice would come out stronger, than it appeared to him.
“Uhm, Jack, it ‘ s me, Chase. I... I was looking for you... .” He desperately searched for an explanation. “We... , I... need some help with the last days reports.”
After what seemed to last an eternity, the slim figure seemed to move. Jack spoke in a low voice, making it awfully difficult for Chase to understand him.
“Excuse me, Chase. I ‘ m not feeling very good, need a little rest.”
“Sure.” Chase answered, but wasn ‘ t able to leave him.
Jack sighed and and added. “I will go home, so do the report stuff tomorrow, it is certainly not urgent.”
To his annoyance Chase didn ‘ t seem to understand the hint, because he stayed, patiently waiting for more. At least he decided to suggest something. “I ‘ ll bring you to your place, or to a doctor, maybe. You shouldn ‘ t drive, when you are sick.”
“I ‘ m not sick.” Jack raised his head. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, his face alarming white again. “No need for a doctor, or for your help. Just leave me alone and handle your own stuff!”
But Chase wasn ‘ t taken in. He took Jacks behaviour as it represented to him, above all a big bluff, pursueing one single aim, to hide his vulnerability.
And therefore he stayed, waited, unable to stop watching the man, who had laid his head on his knees again, refusing to take notice of his young partner.
Jack couldn ‘ t bring up the strength to go. The rest of it, he had worn inside, had disappeared earlier in Tonys office. It should only be a question of time, until Chase would have enough and decide to leave, the kid certainly wasn ‘ t of the patient kind, and he had absolutely no intention to satisfy his curiosity.
Firm steps approached him and he exhaled in desperation.
Suddenly Chase stood in front of him and then settled down in one smooth movement. Anger arised in Jack, a feeling he welcomed eagerly, a distraction which drove away the pain, that paralyzed him.
“Aren ‘ t you able to do what you are asked for?” he growled behind gritted teeth.
“Only when I agree with it,” Chase answered shortly, taking Jacks fury with few words away. The blond ruffled his hair, finally looking up, staring directly into the opposite corner.
“Think twice about this,” he said. “Will cause you more trouble, you can ever imagine.”
“I know,” Chase responded quietly. “But I can ‘ t change who I am.”
Both went silent, following different thoughts, somehow feeling comforted in each others closeness.
“Look Jack, about Tony... .”
“What?” Jack suddenly appeared alarmed.
“I ‘ m... ,” Chase stuttered. “I couldn ‘ t help but notice, that... maybe... there are some complications or... might be some trouble... .”
“Certainly no trouble.” Jack closed up immediately. “What the fuck do you mean?”
“I thought, with all the chaos going on here, and the Salazar case still unsolved... .“
“What... ! Why are you bringing this up now? We ‘ ll handle these bastards, sooner, than they would anticipate it, and until then, I won ‘ t talk about the whole mess.”
“I understand this.” Chase struggled to find words, wished to be able to clear things between them. “I mean, maybe you shouldn ‘ t visit Ramon by yourself. After all the things he had done to you... .”
“Shut up!” Jack jumped unexpectedly. “Can ‘ t you listen? I won ‘ t talk about Ramon. Read the reports, if you have nothing better to do, but that is nothing I will discuss with you!”
Chase automatically drew back, when Jack nearly screamed at him, but then bent forward and clutched his stomach. He felt the cramps shaking him forcefully, causing him to stumble, when he gulped and started to choke. The pain ran through him, but suddenly he sensed strong arms holding him upright, supporting him when he staggered.
“I ‘ ve got you,” he heared a soft whisper. “What on earth are you doing, Jack?” The familiar voice slowly faded away, when blackness swallowed him at last.
* * * * *
“Jack, Jack, are you with me?”
Slowly he came to, blinked, when he got a grip on the world again. He must have been unconscious for a few seconds, but his head hurt as if someone had pushed it violently against a wall. He tried to keep his eyes closed for a moment to be comforted a little longer by soothing darkness. But something or better someone wouldn ` t allow him to slip into peace again.
“You ‘ re alright?” Chase asked concerned, stroking tenderly his forehead and temple, a soft touch, which sent electric waves directly into his groin.
Jack squirmed, his eyelids fluttered, while he desperately tried to come to his senses.
He sighed, when these fingers moved lower, slid across his throat, when they looked for his pulse.
“Easy Jack,” the rough voice reassured. “You ‘ d passed out only for a moment. Stay like this a little longer, please,” Chase added, little by little calming down after the shock.
Seeing Jack suddenly falling forward, collapsing into his arms, had scared him to death, his heart still raced in fear. He had stabilized him, checked on his signs of life, and gently pushed his sleeve up.
He already knew, but he had to make sure.
And there, they were. He gasped with the amount of tiny marks, old and fresh, covering the sensitive inside of his arm.
It had certainly become worse, since he had accidently caught a glimpse on this part of skin some months ago.
He cursed silently and pulled the sleeve back in place.
“Jack, what are you doing?” he whispered again, feeling burning tears stinging in his eyes.
If the guy only would be able to talk, to share just a part of the weight, he was carrying! Chase shook his head. No, he wouldn ‘ t do it, and to be honest, Chase wasn ‘ t sure, if he would have the strength to be open, if he had to live in his shoes. Probably he wouldn ‘ t have it, either.
Featherly touches flew again again over his face, moved to his hands, which were pressed tightly.
“Don ‘ t slip away again, Jack! Stay with me! Wake up now!” The voice urged him repeatedly. He sensed a shadow leaning over him, felt hot breath approach his lips.
Startled by confusion he flinched and the shape retired immediately. Eyes shot open and he stared at the young man, who weared an unfamiliar expression in his features. When he spoke Jack recognized his emotions, the words seemed to tremble in the air, pure anguish streamed from each pore of his skin.
“I ‘ m okay,” he managed to croak, tried to reach up, when he noticed that his hand still was held firmly, that Chase still sat close to him, moving against his body, sending bright flames right through his nerves, though they were parted by layers of their clothing.
“Let me stand up,” he said, a little too loud and husky as it seems, by the sight of Chase pulling back at once.
He struggled to come up and soon the other agent was on his side again.
“Slowly, Jack!” he tried to soothe him. “There is no need to hurry.”
“I know,” Jack answered, finally standing on his own feet, unsteady, but ready to move on.
“Jack!” Chase paused, uncomfortably stared on the ground. “I... , I didn ‘ t meant to upset you... I would never do anything that bothers you, you have to believe me... . It ‘ s just, that I... ,” he stopped, searched for appropriate words. “I mean, you ‘ re my partner and my friend..., and I care about you... wished I could help you.”
“I know,” Jack murmured, looked at him, and when their eyes met, he offered him an incredible sweet little smile, only for the shortest moment his face lit up, sorrow and guilt vanished, and Chase saw a vision of youth and innocence passing by, less than a second, but unforgettable for the rest of his life.
Far too soon it was gone, and Jack added, sounding harder, than he had intended. “I know, you care, Chase, and I really appreciate it, but, to make things clear, just one thing. You can ‘ t, Chase, you can ‘ t help me and you absolutely need to understand this.”
Chase dropped his head, trying to receive the words properly, but only heard his blood pounding in his ears, fought his confusion, the different emotions entangling in his mind.
And then Jack was gone, too, and he stood alone in this abandoned room, alone in this huge building and didn ‘ t know anymore what he should feel.
Tony stared at his monitor, felt like shit, worse than that. Not only that he had betrayed Michelle, again, he had also laid his doubts and his insecurities on Jack, knowing, that he would bear them, like he always did.
He couldn ‘ t change anything anymore, it was too late for this. They had to go through this. Reaching their aim and surviving had to be all that mattered. He laid his head on his hands, gave in to his exhaustion. Time to admit the truth. He would never get over Jack, not in this life. He needed him, he longed for him, he felt closer to him, than to anyone else in his entire life.
The only sight of him, made his nerves tingle in anticipation and he thanked God more than once, that he owned the ability to seem cool outside. He had fought it, for a long time, had fooled around, tried to hate him, tried to get a piece of him by being with Nina, and when he had realized for the first time, after Jacks world had broken, that he would have a chance on him, nothing had been able to hold him back.