callisto24 (callisto24) wrote in backupcopythat, @ 2008-08-26 20:07:00 |
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Entry tags: | past and future |
past and future, chapter 12
title: past and future, XII
author: callisto24
fandom: 24
characters: Jack, Chase
genre: drama, m/mslash
theme: post season6, Spoilers for preview and trailer
rating: NC-17
disclaimer: nothing belongs to me, no money made...
* * * * *
“You ‘ve changed your hair.”
Chase carefully touched the now short dark- blond strands, causing here and there silver threads to sparkle, still barely noticeable.
“You sound like... .”
An uncomfortable break was created.
“Like Tony?”
“Yes.”
Jack looked down, drowning in secret thoughts, memories, Chase had no access to.
After landing in L.A., they had visited CTU at first, only to be debriefed soon and instantly ordered to take a rest.
“It ‘ s okay, Jack. I know how you feel,” Chase said slowly, reaching out for his glass again.
His fingers still trembled a little bit and he felt unsure about his behaviour.
He had resisted to stay in the medical department or to go to hospital for further examinations, like he was suggested, feeling the need to move away from everything reminding him of being locked up.
Without success as it seems, for the walls seemed to come closer with each breath he took.
Without asking Jack had led him into his small apartment, obviously rented by CTU.
No personnel stuff around, no pictures, the only thing he ‘ d taken care of was the familiar amount of alcohol in cupboards and refrigerateur. Jack had emptied the first bottle quick enough to prove the fact, that he seemed to need no more nutrition.
Chase understood him perfectly, he wasn ‘ t hungry either, but felt the necessity to anaesthetize his senses, to stop thinking no matter how.
However, his stomach revolted already, his hands shivered, when he tried to raise his glass, until he spilled most of its contents on the bare floor.
He felt uncomfortable, unwelcome in these walls.
The changes had come too fast, he still hadn ‘ t been given enough time to sort out his feelings, still hadn ‘ t been able to overcome the horror and strain of the past days.
And he couldn ‘ t imagine yet, what had motivated Jack to look for him, still had no idea what had happened.
His own plans had ended with the moment Jack would be in freedom and out of danger. And now, when they were together at last, he felt like standing on a cliff, with nowhere to move, nothing to do, but watching Jack going away silently, and he wondered what he might had expected him to do.
Nothing, he admitted.
Nothing had been behind the moment they would have left prison, no imagination, no dreams,... nothing.
He had cut everything behind him, probably assuming that his life would end with his hopeless struggle.
But it hadn ‘ t and now he sat here and had nothing to say, simply sensed Jack near him, alone, on his own, without sharing anything as usual. Chase believed himself able to watch Jack close automatically, hiding his feelings in front of him.
And he leant back, defeated and sad, not able to push away the image, that he had to feel happy, relieved, full of hopes and expectations, ready to make a new start.
Nevertheless he was too tired to feel anything but his own exhaustion, too spent to think about reasons or plans.
He closed his eyes, listened to Jack opening a new bottle, filling his glass, and drifted away finally, falling into a light and restless sleep.
He woke up in the night, noticing a blanket draped around him, keeping him warm, while he had been sleeping on the couch, still in his clothes.
Blinking into the darkness he recognized for the first time the bed, obviously it had been folded in a corner before, Jack ‘ s dark figure spread widely across the mattress. Obviously he hadn ‘ t been able to get rid of his Jeans before he felt asleep. A knocked over bottle and the sharp stench of whiskey gave Chase an idea why.
He sighed and moved in order to stand up, but before he was able to, he felt the cold steal of a weapon touching forcefully his temple.
“What?” he breathed, not daring to move.
The soft sound of a gun being secured again, reached his ears and he sensed it being lowered slowly.
Chase turned his head and looked at Jack ‘ s awfully white features, nearly expected him to throw up at once.
But Jack stood there patiently, seeming to wait for something, and when it wasn ‘ t happening, he turned round without a further word falling onto the bed again, stifling the gun in one motion under his pillow, before he fell to sleep again.
Chase sat up completely, his heart pounding, more shocked by Jack ‘ s expression but by the fact, that he had threatened his life.
He winded the blanket around himself, remained still, motionless, staring wide-eyed into the cloudy room, listening to Jack ‘ s soft breathings.
He was sitting in the darkness for a long time, sensed the night fading away slowly, though no light seemed to appear in the sky.
Chase froze, but couldn ‘ t bring up the bravery or the energy to do something against the coldness of the first hours of the day.
Like Jack would have anticipate his shivering despite his own dead-like sleep, he stirred at once, moved for the first time since hours in his position, groaning deeply, before he stayed motionless for a moment, sorting out the situation.
At least he wasn ‘ t panicking. Instead he stood up in a quick, fluid motion, threw a short glance into Chase ‘s direction, showing no reaction to the other mans obvious awareness of his person, before he headed for the bathroom. An instant later Chase watched him switching on the lights, moving around in the tiny kitchen, preparing some Instant Coffee. No one talked until Jack had kicked away the empty bottles into a distant corner and replaced the traces of the night with two steaming cups. He sat down next to him, taking one of the hot cups into both hands.
“Couldn ‘ t sleep the first nights back, neither,” he mentioned, warming his hands by wrapping them around his coffee, and nodded to the second cup.
“Take it, Chase. You won ‘ t be able to fall asleep again. Better concentrate your hopes on tonight.”
“I don ‘ t know if I should stay for another night.”
Chase watched the smaller man awkwardly. Maybe Jack simply had forgotten his overreaction, maybe he had been too drunk to remember or to care, maybe he considered it as one of his weird dreams.
“Where do you wanna go from here?” Jack asked him low, sipping from the hot fluid.
Chase shrugged, decided finally, that he had freezed enough, threw the blanket away and grabbed his coffee.
“Until our files are cleared we have to stick with CTU. And then... .” Jack stared to the single light bulb, which started to flicker. “And then we ‘ re supposed to work there again. Bill had already made it clear, that he wants you back.”
“Why ... me?”
A small smile appeared in the corners of Jack ‘ s eyes. “No doubt, you ‘ ve impressed him. He recognizes a good agent, that ‘ s for sure.”
“I failed completely.”
“Nonsense! You worked alone, without any backup. Coming that far you proved your qualities as an agent.”
“Do you want to go back?”
Jack ‘ s attention went from the light to the deep black fluid in his hands. “No,” he answered. “I don ‘ t want to. But... but there is nothing else for me to do.”
“You can make a new start somewhere else.”
Jack shook his head.
“I won ‘ t. I’m destined to lead this life and I will go through it ‘til the end.”
Chase leant forward, placing his cup on the table. “Then I ‘ll stay, too.”
Jack ‘ s gaze darkened. “You will have enough time to think it through. You ‘ ll have more options than this one.”
“Like what?”
“Angela?”
“What about Kim?”
“That ‘ s different.”
“No, it ‘ s not.”
“I won ‘ t be able to repair, what damage I ‘ ve done to my daughter, more than once... . But you ... .”
“I won ‘ t start to bring her in a situation, I can ‘ t deal with. That ‘ s what I ‘ ve learned and I ‘ ve pulled the consequences.”
Jack silenced, looking hurt, defeated, when his voice returned after a while.
“Still there is more for you.”
“There isn ‘ t anything.”
Jack leant back beside him. “You need time, Chase. And it will be given to you.”
“No.” The younger man closed his eyes. “I don ‘ t need more time. I had enough during the past years, enough time to become sure about what is really important to me.
Jack stared to the window, regarded the clouds hanging unusually deep in the sky, preventing the sun from beating the night in this early hour.
“I ‘ ll have to go soon,” Jack said, still banned by the darkness outside. “Have to do some stuff.”
He stood up, carrying his cup with him, putting it on the drawer.
“Feel free to use, whatever you need to.”
Adressing the cupboard he went on talking.
“Rest... or... maybe you want to see someone, to talk with... you know... some specialists from the bureau. Use the phone and... there ‘ s money in the drawer as well.”
“Have you... I mean... talked?” Chase asked.
Jack pulled up his shoulders in unconscious self-defense.
“I ‘ m used to do this fast - telling them what they want to hear. They write their notes down and are as glad as I am to never see each other again.”
“I don ‘ t need such a farce.”
“Think about it. There is no need to hurry anything. Take your time and rest.”
“Jack!”
Chase rised from the couch. “It ‘ s about us... we should talk about... .”
“Yes,” Jack answered silently, somehow seeming alarmed.
“But not now. I... I ... there will be another time for... this... .”
He quivered slightly, when Chase made a move in order to come closer and Chase froze, his confusion increasing.
“Stay here for another night, if you can... otherwise you have to inform Bill about your place. But you can remain as long as you want to. I... I won ‘ t crowd you.”
Jack turned around with sudden determination, grabbed his jacket and went to the door.
“Jack... please... where do you want to go... ?”
But the door already had closed with a sharp noise and Chase remained still, immobilized, feeling strangely light - headed, asking himself helplessly what to do.
Jack headed for the streets, eager to leave the building.
He hadn ‘ t expected it to be that difficult and he wasn ‘ t able to understand his feelings either.
Taking Chase to his place had come naturally.
Chase shouldn ‘ t be alone and Jack had to admit, that Bill had been right, neither should he.
The first days after his release from China had turned to hell, concentrating on his task the only possibility to distract himself from his sorrow.
He should be able to get over it, should be able to move on, but the longer he remained in this surroundings, the more his desperation grew.
For his entire life he had given up, had lost people, he had cared about, and it seemed like he wasn ‘ t able to do it once more.
And the more he tried to shove his loss away, the deeper the pain bored into his insides.
Sometimes he wished to be back in prison. Waiting for the final punishment, paying for his sins, somehow had justified his existence, bound his thoughts and feelings.
Being in freedom again, visiting the places he had believed never to be able to see again, created a more than bearable pain, an ache he could physically feel and wasn ‘ t able to run away from, for its origin lay in himself.
He couldn ‘ t get rid of the face staring at him night and day. He saw him everywhere, everytime and it became worse.
He found himself running, because he had heard Tony ‘ s voice in the distance, and tried to reach him, before reality rushed back. Sometimes he supposed to find him behind each corner, hidden in the shadows, crossing his way accidently.
Visiting CTU had become a torture. Nonetheless or maybe because of this haunting, he couldn ‘ t leave, he knew in perfect clearness, that he would never do it, that he would stay and endure the pain as long as necessary.
And Jack also was aware of the only way he would be able to go through it, hadn ‘ t believed to find himself back in this situation. But it had happened, inevitably, like he had known it all the time.
He barely noticed the only man in spite of him, walking the streets this morning, quickly took in the handsome features, the dark shape passing him gracefully, black eyes scrutinizing him attentively.
There were other things occupying his mind, there was the challenge to come over the endless day lying in front of him.
* * * * *
Chase stood in the middle of the room, feeling sad, hopeless, gathering his strength to fight the urge to break down. He swallowed his frustration, looked upon the mess, deciding to take care of his surroundings. Absent mindly he turned to the dishes, emptied his own cup into the sink, staring a moment at Jack ‘ s one, before he raised it to take in the scent. He hadn ‘ t been deceived, the penetrable smell entered his nose. Obviously Jack didn ‘ t intend to stop drinking during the day.
Chase sighed and propped himself up at the small kitchen desk.
He couldn ‘ t deal with this, couldn ‘ t deal with it alone. At first he needed to find a way to pay his liabilities, find a way to get into life again and how it appeared, a way to take Jack with him, might he want it or not.
Frustration grew, when he started to clean up, when he counted the bottles hidden everywhere, no matter if they were full or empty. Jack hadn ‘ t taken the time to clear up anything. Opening the closets, he found things in a muddle and he hesitated to go through it.
Discovering some broken packages of cigarettes, he looked for a lighter, placed his cup as an ashtray in front of him and sank back on the couch, enjoying the poison entering his lungs.
He grinned relieved, when he heard someone walking to the apartment, stopping in front of the door, knocking forcefully.
“Forgotten your key?” He asked, standing up and heading for the door. “Prison messed up your mind, too? But I ‘m glad we can talk... now.”
Chase ‘s smile faded as fast as it had been created when he looked into Andrew ‘ s face.
“What... ?”
“Hi Chase. I ‘ ve heard you ‘ re back.”
“Thought you had left the state.”
“No.” Andrew smiled bitterly. “You wanted me to. I ‘ ve told you I wouldn ‘ t. May I come in... or... ?”
“Uhm... ,” Chase stuttered, unable to move. “I don ‘ t... .”
“I ‘ ve brought some fruits for breakfast. Thought you maybe hadn ‘ t the time to... since you were back. It ‘ s enough for... him, too.”
Chase squirmed uncomfortably. “How did you know?”
Andrew remained waiting, brown paperback with some food in his arms.
“I ‘ m still in contact with Chloe. She had agreed to inform me about what ‘ s happening with you.”
“Hmm, “ Chase blushed, tried to sort out his feelings, when he suddenly sensed the heat of the burning cigarette approaching his fingers.
“Okay, come in please. I... just was... surprised.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Andrew stepped in, threw a quick glance around, but showed no reaction to the surroundings.
He placed his bag on the table, found some plates to arrange it and opened the window at last.
Chase felt reminded on the time, they had shared before he had went to China, the way Andrew had taken care of everyday life, while his own heart and soul had been occupied with the search for Jack. Somehow he had been sure, that he had joined his family again. It seemed so right for him to return to them. But Chase knew deep inside, that it had been him, who wanted to believe him back there, happy and safe, free from the expectations, Chase would never be able to fulfil.
He looked at the fruits and felt his hunger for the first time, allowing himself to smile at the man, who went through the kitchen, looking for glasses and knives.
“Thank you, Andrew,” he said, letting himself sink into his former position on the couch, opening the orange juice and filling it into two glasses.
“Guess you know, that Jack isn ‘ t here.”
“Yeah.” Andrew smiled back. “I waited, ‘til he left, knew he would.”
Chase nodded. “Will go to CTU later. There are so many things, which needed to be cleared.”
“I can accompany you, if you don ‘ t mind.”
“No... that won ‘ t be necessary. Everything is fine.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Look Chase.” Andrew let out a deep breath. “I want you to know, that I ‘ ll be there for you, always... whenever you need me.”
“Andrew.” Chase looked away, faced the wall on the other side of the room. “We ‘ ve talked about this. I will never be able to... to love you, like you deserve to be loved. You have to move on.”
Andrew concentrated on his juice. “You told me often enough. But I can ‘ t stop worrying about you. And I can ‘ t stop doubting, that you receive the correct picture of... of... .” He stopped, trying to hide his nervousness, his fear, that he might have intruded a sensitive topic.
“I know, that it won ‘ t be easy. Jack has... we have problems and nobody can tell if we will solve them. But it ‘ s the only thing I can do. Andrew, you have to understand, that I have no choice in this.”
Chase rubbed his forehead, speaking more to himself. “If I can ‘ t reach him, if he... .”
He looked up finally. “We can ‘ t imagine, what might happen, but we have to go through it, have to try what we can. And if Jack isn ‘ t able to find a way, than I won ‘ t be able, too.”
“Chase!”
Emerald green eyes, shining in the light of the morning sun, which broke through the clouds for an instant, met cool obsidian ones, emanating sorrow and compassion.
“You know what I feel for you. I will never give you up.”
“Please, do it,” Chase whispered, burying his face in his hands. Before he felt them, he knew that these arms would come around him, that this familiar body would press against his, offering him comfort and peace. It wouldn ‘ t last long, he wouldn ‘ t be able to stay there, but in this moment he sucked in the caress with each fibre of his body.
* * * * *
Jack felt better.
At least he was calm, when he entered CTU.
“Jack!” Bill nodded at him. “Where have you been? Chase had asked for you!”
“Chase? Why?” Jack mentioned alarmed.
“Nothing to worry about.” Bill shook his head. “He ‘ d shown up, supposed you were here.”
He sighed, seemed to be tired. “ You know how this works. Will last a while until we could offer you the job officially. But I would appreciate it, if you will go through the reports and sign them.”
“Alright.” Jack turned to the woman, Bill had pointed at, and who already watched him critically.
“Chase had been here,” she stated at last.
“Yeah, I ‘ ve heard so.”
Chloe offered him the papers from the distance, forcing him to lean down to her in order to take them.
“What is it?” He asked annoyed.
She lowered her voice, once again regarding him sceptically. “You told me to keep an eye on him and... .”
“Go on, Chloe... .”
“He had a visit this morning.”
“I know. You don ‘ t have to make it a secret. It has been this Andrew-guy. I ‘ ve seen him.”
“And now?”
“What now, Chloe? I haven ‘ t changed my mind about them.”
Chloe rolled her eyes.
“Talking with him directly, would make things easier for both of you. He seemed to be disturbed, when he couldn ‘ t find you before.”
“Not your business.”
“Jack!” She grabbed his arm. “I care about Chase and... and you... you don ‘ t look good.”
She stared at him scrutinizing.
“I ‘ m okay. No need to worry.” He shook her off and lifted the reports.
“Have work to do.”
“Who don ‘ t?” Chloe snapped and let him go, her eyes locking with Morris ‘ ones, which had watched them carefully.
Jack drew back and went quickly through the papers, signing them without further hesitation.
He hadn ‘ t noticed, that so much time had went by since this morning.
Kim hadn ‘ t reacted yet on his return, but he decided to drop her another message, like he had done for Audrey. Somehow he was glad, that none of them seemed to be able to forgive him, glad, that they had started a new life. Heaven knew, that the people, he cared about, should stay away from him as far as possible.
It was evening, when he finally rose from his chair, closing his files.
Bill stopped him unexpectedly, before he could leave.
“Jack! I want you to take a look here.”
“What is it?”
Bill scratched his forehead, unsure about how to go on.
“I know, that you mainly agreed to stay with us to be provided on a regular base with updates about the Organization. Seems like activities here hadn ‘ t stopped, as we presumed. Traces are leading from Europe to L.A. again.”
Jack looked at him concerned.
“We have no real informations yet, only hints and rumours, but you should feel free to follow the lead. Only this time, we can ‘ t afford any mistakes.”
“Sure.” Jack threw a glance around the office. “Do you need Morris during the next hour?”
“What about Chloe?”
“I ‘ d prefer to keep her out of it.”
“Ok?” Bill wondered. “She ‘ ll find out. And if you are planning to go after him, I just want to remember you, that you ‘ re not allowed to leave the States, in fact, you have to stay in L.A.
“I won ‘ t leave the town,” Jack snorted. “You don ‘ t have to worry, Bill. Just want Morris to do some background research.”
“Fine!”
Bill turned away with a shrug. The chance to receive any results nearly didn ‘ t exist. But at least, he would have Jack occupied for a while. And truth was, they couldn ‘ t let Connors gain influence again, he had played his games long enough.
* * * * *
Jack stepped on the streets, when the night sank down on the city. He decided to walk the few streets to his apartment, nervous with the prospect to face Chase again.
But maybe he wouldn ‘ t have to. Maybe ... .
His eyes wandered around, scanning places and people, resting on a familiar figure, leaning against a stoney wall.
“Damnit.” Jack went through his pockets, felt the comforting package, reassured himself, that he had everything he needed.
He took his cigarettes, chose one and lightened it. When he looked up again, the black gaze still scrutinized him. He sighed and took up speed, heading directly for the man, who obviously waited for him.
“What do you want, Andrew?” He asked, concentrating his icy stary on the taller shape.
“You know my name?”
Andrew didn ‘ t seem to be surprised.
Jack closed his eyes, when he drew on his cigarette.
“I know everything about you. Remember my profession?”
Andrew nodded, glancing down on him seriously.
Jack squirmed under the cold gaze. “I expected you to deal with Chase. Why are you bothering me?”
“So, you know about Chase and me... .”
“Look, boy! I know... it ‘ s okay, Chases and yours business, just leave me alone.”
Andrew stared at him, dropping his voice. “I wish I could.”
Jack got rid of the cigarette, pushed his hands into his pockets and started to walk again.
“I have no intention to talk with you, Andrew. Take him with you! Leave me a note, if you want to, but save me from useless conversations.”
“I can ‘ t leave you alone.”
Andrew’ s voice emanated so much frustration, that Jack involuntarily slowed his pace, looking at him.
Eyes directed on his feet, Andrew adjusted his steps to the rhythm of the blonds walk.
“Believe me, I wouldn ‘ t talk to you, if I wasn ‘ t forced.”
He let his breath out.
“And you have to believe me, that I would take him with me, if I saw the slightest chance, that he would agree. It makes me sick to see him throw his life away... again.”
He ran his hand through his thick curls. “I know there is a bond connecting you two and I probably will never be able to understand why he is following you like a dog... .”
“What do you say... ?”
Jack stopped his walk, feeling white anger flashing through his guts.
“Keep your mouth shut!”
Andrew faced him openly.
“No, I won ‘ t. There are things you have to hear, because Chase won ‘ t listen.”
“I can ‘ t help, none of you.” Jack bit his lower lip, trying to keep his rising fury inside.
“Nobody can, but you!“
Andrew responded to Jack ‘ s anger, coming closer to lose his temper. He stared down on the smaller man, breathing heavily.
I know, what you ‘ re doing Jack. And I know, that you ‘ ve given up. But I won ‘ t let you drag Chase down with you.”
“Do what you have to do,” Jack growled at the lean figure. “Just do it and stop stealing my time and patience.”
With an angry snort he turned to continue his path.
“What now,” he barked, when he felt Andrew reaching for his shoulder. “There is nothing more to say.”
“One thing, Jack! Let me tell you just one thing. Not for me, it ‘ s for Chase ‘ s sake.”
“Tell me. I ‘ m listening,” Jack mumbled, while he changed into a quicker walk. Andrew had no choice but moving with him.
“When Chase had heard, that you were still alive, when he was undercover here and... .”
“I know what happened.” Jack shouted. “Damnit, what do you want from me?
I ‘ ve read each single detail, I ‘ ve seen the files, the pictures, the hospital reports. I know, what he had gone through. What the hell do you expect me to do? I ‘ m not in the position to help him or anyone else.”
“I know,” Andrew stated, suddenly calm, suddenly recognizing the desperation the smaller man was carrying, suddenly understanding better the similarity between these two far different, but undeniably bounded people.
“I know, Jack,” he repeated. “That ‘ s why I ask you to help yourself, to let yourself be helped if necessary. Chase won ‘ t leave you. He ‘ s determined to stay with you, wether you ‘ d like it or not. He never had left you and probably will never do it, no matter what you or I might say or do. So if you care about him - only a little bit - you ‘ ll stop this shit, stop this kind of self - destruction and start to leave things behind. Start to look for a future.”
“Who do you think you are?” Jack ‘ s voice sounded threatening, hollow in a dangerous way, when he violently pushed the other man against the nearest house wall. He fixed him in place with his elbow, pressing Andrew ‘ s throat tightly, until the taller man nearly choked because of the attack, preventing him from breathing.
“Shut up, Andrew! Shut up or I don ‘ t know, what I ‘m doing.”
Andrew struggled to come free, but was offered no chance for a release from the iron grip by the expertized agent.
“I won ‘ t say it again.” Jack hissed, before he let him go.
Andrew stumbled, when the smaller man retreated, coughing laboriously.
“Not a word anymore!” Jack warned him again, allowing his fury to show up for a last moment, before he turned away.
“Son of a bitch,” Andrew croaked, finally finding his balance again.
His black eyes followed the slim figure, who went a few steps backwards, pointing at him, his gaze flaming, his attitude trembling with composed hate.
“Bastard,” Andrew whispered hoarsely, spitting a mouthful of blood on the ground. “Go to hell , coward.” He coughed again, raised his hands in retreat and turned to leave the man alone.
Jack still shivered, confused about his own emotions. He was supposed to remain cool, to be under control and again he had lost it completely.
His breath came in short, dry gasps and he felt his heart nearly exploding in his chest.
He slammed his fist against the wall he had shoved Andrew against, did it again and again until it bled. Not caring about the wound he groped for the kit he was carrying with him. He couldn ‘ t wait for a better place to shoot up. Each entrance providing him with a shadowed moment of silence would be able to do it.
* * * * *
Chase listened to the key turning around noisily in the rusty lock.
He remained standing still, staring out of the window, getting lost in the view of the night devouring his wish to talk, to face the older man.
“Chase?” Jack murmured, stepping in with a sigh. “Something wrong with the electricity,” he asked and switched the light on, which flickered for a moment, like it had done the night before, but then calmed and threw its yellow glare over grey walls.
“Why are you standing in the dark?” Jack mentioned, seemingly astonished. He took off his jacket and watched the back of the younger man for a moment, trying to get a clue on what his behaviour could mean to him.
“Can we talk now?”
Jack flinched, cursing himself at once, because of his visible reaction. He turned, avoiding to look at the other man, who stayed immobilized, continued to stare into the dark night like he would observe something more important than a few street lanterns, which made the world just bright enough to prevent the stars from being seen from beneath.
“Honestly, Chase... I ‘ m not... .”
A sound indicated an unexpected movement and Jack found himself face to face with the other man, who had closed the distance between them with two long steps.
“... not ready? When will you be?”
He let his gaze wander down the smaller man, noticed the fingers rub against each other in nervousness.
“Need a drink first?”
He watched Jack scrutinizing. “Probably more than one, am I right?”
Jack reacted in self defense. He stretched his body and responded the accusing gaze with cold eyes.
“A drink might help both of us, I guess.”
Chase shook his head slowly, felt his will, his energy crumbling, leaving him helpless and defeated. He wasn ‘ t up to an argument like this, but he couldn ‘ t leave the conflict standing between them. With a silent groan he met the dark stare again, tried to find an indication, a small sign to prove him, that Jack ‘ s feelings still were there, that he only had decided to hide his emotions deep in his mind.
But there were none. The faint light seemed to heighten the walls between them, turning Jack ‘ s face into a hollow mask with dead eyes watching him contemptuously.
Chase ‘ s stomach pulled itself together and he bent forward just an inch, clutching at his shirt as if his grip could avoid the upcoming nausea.
“When you expect me to leave, say it!” He stated, clenching his fists waiting for an answer.
“Why should I want this. I invited you in.”
Chase bit his tongue, not able to hide his anger, his deception anymore.
“You never invited me. You probably had been persuaded... .”
He took in a deep breath, a useless attempt to calm his strained nerves, to make his mind clear.
“You are vanishing without a word, without a trace from here. You are not talking to me, instead you are treating me like dirt, like I had given you some reason to hate me. If it had been such a horrible effort to bring me back, I had preferred it to stay, where I ‘ ve been.”
“You have gone for me.”
“And you feel the need to pay your debts? I have news for you. You don ‘ t need to. Some things are for free.”
“Chase, that ‘ s not, what I ... .”
“But what else? What else do you have in your mind? Obviously I ‘ m disgusting you, you can stand my presence only when you ‘ re drunk... .”
“No, Chase. I ‘ m sorry. I hadn ‘ t meant to hurt you anyway... you ‘ re free to do... .”
“I ‘ m not.” The younger man screamed suddenly. “I ‘ m not free.” His head throbbed and his ears rang with the sound of his own voice, which mixed with the rustling of his blood heating up his face painfully.
“Don ‘ t give me this freedom shit. I ‘ m not, neither are you, neither has one of us ever been. We ‘ re captured in our fates, in our worlds, bound by thousands of different ropes, forcing us to do, what we don ‘ t want to.”
He sobbed without being aware of, not recognizing the flames burning in his eyes as his own salty tears.
“Don ‘ t tell me, you had ever felt free.”
Jack groped for the wall, searching support. Wide eyed he followed the younger man ‘ s outbreak, couldn ‘ t break free from the waves of pain flooding the small room.
With difficulty he held himself up, he withstanded the final break- through, he knew he wouldn ‘ t be able to recover from. No place for weaknesses, for self defences, for argues. This had to end now. He couldn ‘ t wait any longer.
Putting up his strength he managed to form the words.
“Go Chase, I want you to go, now!”
Jack closed his eyes, turned back to the cupboard. He held his breath, while he reached for a glass, balancing riskily on the edge of the rickety shelf next to him. It slipped through his fingers, tumbled down on the floor and broke into thousands of pieces.
Jack stared at the shiny fragments, reflecting the single light countless times, reminding him on glistening stars.
Somehow hypnotized he stood motionless, before he swallowed dryly and opened the cupboard at last, grasping the full bottle of bourbon whiskey, yearning for a distraction, for a possibility to relax.
“Jack!” Hands touched his slightly and he winced in shock, sensed a second object escaping his grip, falling downwards in slow motion.
“Damnit Chase!” He breathed, shoving the younger man away, trying to reach for another bottle.
“You go! I ‘ ll drink and you won ‘ t keep me from... .”
All at once his mouth was shut, when two hot lips pressed against his thirstily.
His arms were caught in a sudden, tight embrace, which gave him no room to move, no chance to escape, while he felt the air sucked from his lungs forcefully. He moaned in protest, his fingers working wildly at the fabric of Chase ‘ s shirt.
But the taller man ‘ s determination was too strong, the grip squeezed his chest almost painfully. And when his limbs were immobilized by arms and legs, experienced in taking hold of an unruly prisoner, he knew, that he had lost the battle.
Though he refused to give up the fight, shed tears of anger with the fruitless attempt to get free. But at the same time he was all too aware of the pitiless, hard arms encircling him, of the hands pressing into his back, of the long legs, fixing his own ones in place without offering him the slightest chance to break free.
And the reckless mouth fed on his own, worked on his lips with a long suppressed, insatiable hunger, demanded entrance violently.
Jack sensed the other man ‘ s hardness grow against his own, surprisingly aching manhood, and he felt close passing out, when one of Chase ‘ s armes moved upwards, still holding him merciless, while secure fingers wandered around his throat, gliding with rough tenderness over the sensitive parts of his skin. The undeniable tingle caused a violent tremble, shaking him, when fireworks seemed to explode on the inside of his lids. He tried to gasp in vain, when dizziness overwhelmed him, when he suddenly felt free and falling.
“Jack!” Chase let go just to keep a look on the flaccid body, which wasn ‘ t struggling anymore. He startled, when he noticed the white in Jack ‘ s eyes flashing into his sight.
“Jack!” He shook the smaller man, eager to save him from unconsciousness. “Are you still there?”
And then he felt his breath, sensed him staggering, sinking to the floor, gripping for support, for his support.
And he gave it to him, held him steadily around his waist, let him down slowly, until they cowered on the ground, unable to let go of each other.
Jack leant on him in exhaustion, Chase could feel his heart pounding, a disturbing sound, nervous, irregular and scaring in its original meaning, its constant reminding on life and death.
He carefully pulled the other man closer, half-expecting him to start the struggle again. But Jack remained calm, rested in the now almost tender hug, his head a heavy weight against Chase ‘ s shoulder.
They stayed like this for an eternity, listening to the other one ‘ s heart beats slowing down, to the gentle sound of their breathing finding a common rhythm.
“I only... ,” Chase whispered. “I just... .”
“Don ‘ t!”
He felt the blond ‘ s lips moving against his chest, sending vibrations through his body, heating up his blood, felt the cheeks rubbing, nearly touching his skin, only parted by the thin material of his cotton shirt, which appeared to be ripped open in few places from the former fight. Chase gasped in wonder, when the movements became stronger, more demanding, when the caresses stimulated his hidden spots, until the sensations grew, while Jack ‘ s mouth tried to suck on the nipples still invisible behind the fabric. He let out a deep moan, not daring to believe the unexpected change in the other man, unsure if he did right giving in to the inexplicable signs of passion.
But Jack ‘ s fingers slipping under his shirt, gliding up and down his back, heading straight downwards after a short period of teasing, made him lose his ability to consider the situation, and feeling more helpless than ever before, he let himself be directed to the floor, willingly accepting Jack to cover him with his length, to start a rocking motion, causing his groin to burst in flames.
Jacks lips had moved upwards, licking and nuzzling the soft throat, while his hands worked on Chases pants, unbottoning them with shivering hands, searching for what he longed for.
Chase arched up, when Jack ‘ s body shifted sidewards with incredible patience, sending flames through each nerve concentrating between his legs, when fingers enclosed his suddenly freely rising shaft, gliding up and down, leaving no doubt about what they intended to cause.
“Jack.... ?” Chase asked breathlessly, when one hand came up, closed his mouth roughly.
“Don ‘ t talk,” Jack commanded, staring down on the damp face, lust obvious in his eyes, pushing away any anger, hate, pain and loss.
And Chase gave in with a sigh, when his shaft was squeezed sightly, opened his mouth to lick on Jack ‘ s fingers, to suck Jack ‘ s thumb in. The blond moved deeper, directed his attention to the pink, straining cock, massive and strong, already aching for release. Without any further hesitation he took it in his mouth, receiving a muffled scream, when Chase bucked with the sensations. He sucked it in, tasting the first drops emitting from his top, gently rolling the balls beneath in his knowing fingers. Chase squirmed with the feeling of the hot, wet mouth surrounding his pulsating member, the tongue flipping most expertedly over the most sensitive spots, licking his whole length, before he took him in again, swallowed him whole. Chase couldn ‘ t stand it any longer. It never had felt that good, he never had felt that good, that worshipped and accepted. Jack worked on him like he had never done anything else, obviously more accustomed to this art, than Chase ever had expected. He pounded upwards, slamming violently into the wet covern, unable to control his movements, unable to care about anything else but the electricity, which concentrated between his legs.
But Jack didn ‘ t mind, in fact he sucked desperately, taking him in as deep as he could, providing him with the most delicate blow-job, Chase could have imagined in his wildest dreams. Jack even wasn ‘ t reacting, when Chase couldn ‘ t hold back, he bit the smaller man ‘ s hand, when flashes stroke through him, when he moved uncontrolled, spilling his hot seed into the accepting mouth. Jack drank it completely, milked him dry, still sucked on him, while he came down from the heights of orgasm. Chase panted, closed his eyes, trying to preserve the feeling of the soft lips on his manhood, the warm wetness enveloping him, fitting perfectly. Jack still licked up and down his length, when Chase slowly came to, becoming aware of what was happening. He wished to be able to stay in this place, in this moment forever. A strange tingle in his groin told him about the success of Jack ‘ s efforts. “Oh my god,” he groaned, when he sensed the hand withdrawing from his face, circling his still hard nibble, punching, squeezing it, smearing his own sweet blood dripping from his wound on the pale skin, sending flaming vibes again through Chase ‘ s veins.
“Ssshhh!” Finally Jack pulled back, moving up to Chase’s face, his own features flashed with desire, his eyes shining from need. The other hand moved under Chase ‘ s shirt, caressed the other nibble, while he pressed his glowing lips on Chase ‘ s ones, forced his tongue inside the other man ‘ s mouth, making him taste his own release.
Chase responded eagerly, gripping for the lean body on his top, embracing him longingly, his long fingers searching for a way to get him out of his trousers.
He massaged the hard buttocks, kneaded the flesh, when his cock pushed against the lean thighs above.
With a strong, almost brutal motion he managed to pull the other mans pants down, losing no second to return to the place, which tempted him. He touched the small entrance featherly, dipped one finger inside, receiving a quiet moan, suffocated by the kiss, they still shared.
Encouraged he plunged deeper, added a second finger, then a third.
Jack gasped in pleasure, broke the kissing and moved, propped himself up, staring down on the other man. His erect penis bored into the other mans skin, made him aware of his aroused state, of the completion, he desired. Chase responded the demanding gaze, his clear green eyes burning, his lips opening in silent promise.
Jack arched back, his hardness almost painful for both of them, when Chase fingerfucked him, reaching his sweet spot repeatedly. Mouth open he breathed heavily, squirming wildly, while electric waves shook him, lights exploded behind his closing eyes.
Chase couldn ‘ t bear the sight any longer, his heart bled, when he drank in the picture, considering it the most beautiful sight, he ‘ d ever seen. With an almost animal like sound he found his strength, grabbed the lean hips and turned the other man on his back, pulling away the trousers still binding his knees together.
Jack ‘ s eyes opened a slit, emanated passion-blue rays, seducing Chase until he thought he would come again only by taking in the image.
He gulped audibly before he parted Jack ‘ s thighs with both hands, lifting the pelvis from the ground and moved into position. Jack ‘ s breath came in short gasps, proved his exscitement, his impatience to finally get, what he desired, and when Chase plunged in, strong and violently broke the small ring of protection in one forceful thrust, he cried out in pain and pleasure, accepting the powerful invader from the depth of his soul. And he invited him even more, raising his body against the intrusion, gripping for the other man ‘ s body to urge him deeper, though the massive cock threatened to rip him apart with the dry penetration.
But he didn ‘ t cared, Chase ‘ s shaft fulfilled him completely, he sensed him deep inside, moving, sliding, pulsating, pressing against the soft place, massaging it slowly and patiently, when he pulled back and thrusted in again, each stroke providing him with unbelievable pleasure. Nothing existed anymore in spite of the glowing, rock-hard flesh pounding him. He whimpered when it drew back, screamed when it returned, again and again, a neverending battering of passion and desire, devouring everything around, deleting each fear, each sorrow and desparation, driving the issues of past and future into final forgetting.
They cried both, when climax shuddered them, when Jack ‘ s muscles clenched. Burning waves of release shook him, while he spread his milky seed between them, driving Chase over the edge with the knowledge, that his strength had caused the explosion without a single touch necessary.
Chase joined the cry, when he stilled inside him, after he had pulled back one last time, only to come in again incredibly powerful, filling him with his huge cock, until he couldn ‘ t get deeper and shot his hot seed inside the tight ass, shouting out, while frantic spasms caused a neverending flow of semen, while he felt pumped endlessly until he was empty at last, collapsed on the body beneath, clung to the damp skin, listened to the soft panting, smelled the scent of their sweat, of their in passion united bodies, of their mixing fluids.
Chase held on to the slim figure, he laid on top of, embracing him strongly, expressing his need to possess the man with everything he had.
He melt inside with the doubtless conviction, that they would belong together from now on, that Jack would be his, that he would never be able to deny it anymore.
His fingers slid carefully along the sides, and he became aware suddenly, that they were still wearing their shirts. He smiled unconsciously imagining the impression they would make, turning his head to touch the delicate skin of the neck with his lips. Slowly and carefully he pulled out, gaining a soft sigh from Jack ‘ s mouth, urging him to search for it and to seal their sharing with a tender loving kiss.
The lips beneath him opened and he explored the mouth again with slow and patient caress, worshipping the adorable curves of the lips, the wet, warm insides, the elegant dance of the tongue.
“Mine,” he thought, feeling it strong and undeniable, like he had always known, like there had never been any doubt about their connection, about the their finally combined destination.
Their kiss broke and Chase started to nuzzle softly on Jack ‘ s throat, content in his physical exhaustion, resting in this precious moment. But Jack stirred, turned his head to deny the other man further access, carefully urging him to grant him space to move. Chase resisted at first, feeling tired and comfortably satisfied, not willing to give up their closeness. He held the smaller man down and continued his caresses, gliding with his hands under the shirt, making his fingers dance on the skin, feeling the scars covering the damaged body. He flinched by the realization, that there were more now, that new and bigger traces of abuse had been added.
Jack used the moment of distraction to shift again, to gain a little freedom.
“Chase,” he whispered hoarsely. “I want to get up.”
“What is it?” Chase asked back, returning to the present.
“Nothing... just... ,” Jack hesitated, unable to find the right words. “Let me up.”
“Okay?” Chase moved away, but took care of not losing their touch. “You should think about a carpet in here.” He tried a careful smile, watching Jack worried, who winced a little, while he lifted himself from the ground.
“No, I ‘ m fine.” Jack smiled, but the short smile only flashed for a second, never reached his eyes, and Chase couldn ‘ t help, but notice, that he ached somehow. Only he couldn ‘ t tell if the pain was created in his mind or a result of their intensive encounter.
“Wait!” Chase held on the blonds arm, when Jack made an attempt to get on his feet.
“Where are you going?”
Jack flinched, but took control again immediately, when Chase let go. He stood up, rubbing his left arm absent-mindly. “Just... ,” he twitched a little, braking the gaze. “You know... .” He shrugged, stepping uncomfortably from one foot on to another, still rubbing his arm nervously.
Chase was on his feet at once, stepping near, until he could feel the other ones breath on him. Jack still looked down and Chase, eager to prove his intentions, believing he knew about the problem disturbing him, took Jack ‘ s hand into his and pulled him closer, slowly and carefully taking him into his arms, wishing to be able to show him without a word how much he cared.
Jack stayed motionless again, unsure about his next reaction. He felt exhausted, ready to take a long rest, an endless, peaceful sleep without any dreams, and sad, for reasons, he was too tired to think about.
Yet his hands developped a life of their own, came up to touch Chase ‘ s sides slightly. And when he leant with a sigh against the tall body, they moved further, encircled the lean waist and stayed there quietly.
“Don ‘ t worry.” Chase breathed against Jacks ear. “I know about your injuries, know what happened.”
“So do I.” Jack answered and pulled back abruptly.
Chase ignored the testing gaze, reached out for him again, fearing to lose Jack like he could vanish somehow as soon as he would lose touch for a moment.
To pull him back into his arms came naturally and when he felt the smaller man stiffen in the embrace, he couldn ‘ t avoid expecting a struggle.
But Jack wasn ‘ t struggling. Surprisingly he relaxed quickly and Chase sensed the inner conflict troubling the man in perfect clearness.
Not daring to speak again, to risk spoiling the atmosphere, Chase lowered his head and nibbled on the soft earlobe, remembering the effect his behaviour would have.
So he didn ‘ t wonder about Jack submitting, bowing his head aside slightly, opening his mouth to release a gasp.
Encouraged, trying to keep the mood, Chase let his hands slide under Jack ‘ s shirt, carefully touching the skin, now aware about its condition.
He stroke the lean back trying to submit comfort, to create further trust. His fingers followed the lines of scars, caressed the uneven surface.
“No.” Suddenly Jack drew back from the embrace, squirming uncomfortably. “I ‘ m tired, Chase. We should sleep.” Their eyes met and Chase sensed uneasiness mixed with confusion, before Jack broke the gaze and turned to the bedroom. Taking long steps he caught up, gripping the long sleeve to hold him back. Jack shook him off, seeming disturbed, nearly scared.
“Let me... .” The smaller man commanded, though his voice trembled slightly and he wildly pulled back.
“What is it?” Chase, becoming confused more and more, headed after him, determined to stay on Jack ‘ s side. “What ‘ s about your... ?”
A thought came to his mind, and he decided to act quickly, toring on Jack ‘ s shirt, eager to rip it open or remove it at once.
“What the fuck... !” Startled he grabbed Jack ‘ s left arm, pulling the sleeve further away and lifted the former hidden skin against the faint light.
“What has happened?” Chase asked, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. Jack broke loose, took two steps away, before he folded his arms in front of his chest, raising his chin.
“These are new injuries,” Chase mentioned, pointing to the again concealed skin. “They are at best two days old. And... ,“ he searched for the blue eyes, staring at him coldly. “And you are using again..., you... .”
“What?” Jack mentioned calmly. “You ‘ re disgusted, want to leave... ? That ‘ s what I asked you for.”
“No.” Chase ran his hand through his hair, trying to get a grip on himself, to regain control of the situation.
“No, I.... I just want to understand... .”
“There is nothing to understand, Chase. Once a junkie, always a junkie. There is not much needed to return to old habits.”
“That ‘ s not true, Jack.” Chase shook his head. “You were strong... you stayed strong, ... hell... you are strong enough to live without this shit.”
“No, I ‘ m not.” Jack mumbled silently. “And I have no reason to try.”
“Then you have to find one.” Chase stated, feeling sad by the voidness of his words. “There will always be something... .” He stopped, frowning by the hollow gaze, meeting his eyes.
“You hadn ‘ t understood, Chase,” Jack answered. “I ‘ m finished.”
He looked down, unable to watch the growing desparation in the green stare of the young man any longer. “You can believe me, I tried. That ‘ s why... .” He silenced.
“That ‘ s why you... what?” Chase asked, shivering with the thought. “Looks like you burnt yourself with cigarettes in order to... to... .”
“Replace the pain with another one. You know how it works.”
“Jack.... .”
“Fortunately I remembered a better way to get over the day.”
“Jack.... .”
“You won ‘ t keep me from what I ‘ m doing. That ‘ s no topic to discuss.”
Chase looked at him, his features reflecting the sorrow eating up him from inside. He shook his head and dropped his gaze.
“I won ‘ t... .”
Jack sighed. “Look, Chase.” He seemed calmer now, unfolding his arms, rubbing his forehead staring at the wall. “You got what you wanted. We had a really good fuck and I won ‘ t regret it. But now it ‘ s time for you to move on, to go on with your life, without me. There is... .” He paused. “There is Andrew waiting for you. I know, that he cares. Don ‘ t turn him down.”
“I don ‘ t want... .”
“And I can ‘ t give you anything. You need to understand this.”
“It doesn ‘ t matter.” Chase looked up, his eyes flaming. “It doesn ‘ t matter... not to me.”
He closed the distance, finally knowing what to do, acting quickly without hesitation.
“I want you either way, the good or the bad. I ‘ ve waited long enough. This here had lasted long enough.”
Jack responded to the demanding gaze, answered it with bottomless sadness, shining in his eyes. Slowly he closed the distance between them, bowed his head down with an expression, almost reminding on a smile, bowing it down in surrender, in a gesture Chase couldn ‘ t interpret otherwise than as a final consent. And he opened his arms once again, waiting for Jack to lean against him again, to accept him and what he offered, to give in like he knew he would do. And when the blond still refused to move, he laid his hands on the slim shoulders and drew him towards his chest, encircled the small back and pressed Jack ‘ s nearly limp, but certainly not resisting body against his own.