Who: Peter Quill, Thor, Tony Stark, Drax What: It's like a pressure cooker chock full of egos. When: Wednesday, late afternoon. Rating/Warning: Green, language
"Hand me that solder," Peter called from under the bridge. He extended his hand out and wiggled his fingers, expecting Drax's oddly warm hand. Instead, there was nothing. "Drax? DRAX!"
Lifting his head, he bumped it on the edge, cursing under his breath. That guy was never around when he needed him.
"Is this what you were searching for?"
Peter turned and his eyes widened. It was the space pirate angel man, and he was still as perfect as ever. Peter had never been more aware of his less than adequate six pack.
"Yes... thanks. Why are you on my ship?"
Thor wiped his hands on his jeans and looked around curiously. The memories of this ship were few and far between but he remembered it being functional, so he said as much.
"Yeah. It crashed, in case you couldn't tell from the giant hole in the side." Peter rolled his eyes. Obviously all looks and no brains.
"You appear to be struggling with repairing the ship. Perhaps you should speak with Stark. He's incredibly intelligent. Or Jane. Jane's around, isn't she?"
"Pirate angel," a deep voice said, as Drax made his way on deck, clearly at his own pace. In the crook of one arm was a giant sized bag of Cheetos Puffs, and there was traces of neon orange powder around Drax's mouth and coating his fingertips. "It is good to look upon you once more. You look strong as ever. Capable of defeating many foes, unlike Quill. Who is defeating many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lately."
As Drax brought a cheesy poof up to his lips, he nodded appreciatively and said, "So manly."
"Why thank you," Thor beamed. It was always nice to see a fan. "I appreciate it. You know, you would think I'd get more compliments for what I do, but I suppose it's assumed, considering I'm royalty and all."
Of course he was. Peter already hated this guy and now he had to hate him MORE?! Was that even possible?
And then Thor did a sudden bodybuilder pose, and Peter decided yes, yes he could hate him more.
"Your muscles are mighty, briefly known friend from another universe entirely!" Drax proclaimed, abruptly dropping the bag of Cheetos and striking his own bodybuilder pose. "We should become opponents in professional wrestling. Many would be impressed with such feats of strength, and you would surely gain further renown."
In walked Tony Stark carrying a piece of machinery, wearing his newest Iron Man armor sans helmet. He took one look at the bodybuilder poses and Quill looking downtrodden.
"Well. This big cloud of testosterone I just walked into is a major bitchslap. I think you're hitting Star-Lulz hard enough he might cough up some lunch money."
He walked over and set the part down to pat Thor on a bulging bicep.
"Hi, Point Break," Tony said with a smirk. "What's shakin', bacon?"
"Friend Stark!" Thor was oddly happy to see him. "It's been too long." A pause. "I should probably inform you that I have missing memories, and don't quite remember seeing you in a fairly long time... and although I recognize you are not referring to actual bacon, I will respond with a cordial greeting in return."
Peter screamed inside as hard as he could. "It's not bad enough that I gotta listen to Drax over here go on and on in his weird, non-contraction, idiom believing way, but now I have to listen to some surfer prince do the same thing?! Come on! I'm trying to fix a ship here!"
"...you're an idiom," Drax grumbled, mixing up the meanings of idiom and idiot. He bent down to pick up his bag of Cheetos, stepping on several and leaving piles of nuclear cheese dust behind.
"Yay! We're doing rocket science," Tony told Thor, after a long moment of staring straight forward like his brain was so overloaded with sarcastic comebacks that it couldn't compute anymore. "Peter, this surfer prince is Thor. God of Thunder. Literally, the guy the Vikings started worshipping. Did you know he's a fertility god too? Must've been the hammer. Insert banging jokes here. Anyhoo...."
Tony turned to Thor, giving a big grin. It was good to see a friendly face, compared to Captain Stew N. McJealousy over there.
"It's good to see you," he started saying, "even if you had a brain scrub. You left your belt here when you took off. I've got it in the high security storage. Hold up. I forgot to tell you, before. You got your Thoreal 'because I'm worth it' locks cut off. Looks good!"
Thor raised a hand to his shorn head and gave a sideways grin. “I must confess, I was greatly concerned and made many diplomatic attempts to keep my hair but now …” He shrugged. “I have saved on cleaner, and have much more time in the evening now that I no longer need to brush it. I suppose after a thousand years, it’s good for a change.” He looked over at Tony and looked him up and down. “You also look well. Have you resumed your union with Pepper? She is far too good for you, and deserves better, which is why I wish you well.”
"Yeah, thanks for that. I know she is and she does," Tony agreed, fully acknowledging that he didn't deserve Pepper and that he was lucky to have her. "We're getting married in September. You're invited! Bring a plus one, if you have one. Available. After....you know."
Ouch. Tony all too easily remembered that when he went to help Jane get some of her stuff from New Mexico, that she kept a copy of an old USA Weekly, where her breakup with Thor made the front page. More ouch. Even the look he was giving Thor was ouch. Because he knew what it was like when getting dumped made the headlines.
Thor pursed his lips slightly. "It was mutual. We remain friends." That was all he had to say on that topic.
It did pique Peter's interest though. The most perfect being in the known universe was dumped?! That's the only time people talked about 'mutual' and 'friendships' and crap. How juicy.
"Oh right, Tony," Peter called from the motherboard. "Forgot to RSVP. Gamora and I will definitely be at your wedding. Stoked, really. You know, we've been together for so long, and have never been to a wedding together. Weird, right?"
He gave a pointed look at Thor, who ignored him.
Drax walked forward, clapping a hand down on Thor's shoulder. It was advice time, and Drax was a master of advice. The same way he mastered invisibility and piloting.
"The right woman will find her way to you, Angel Man," Drax assured him, and sounded as though speaking from experience due to close proximity. Otherwise known as sleeping on a futon in their collective living space. "When you find her, may you have longer lasting intercourse than Quill. And may your woman sound more satisfied."
"....wow. Talk about a tee-em-eye moment." Tony looked at Peter. "You and Gamora are on the list. But, hey, did you yell about needing something earlier? Besides the Kama Sutra, so you can up your game?"
Oh this could not stand. Not while Mr. Teen Dream stood there, looking like he’d rather not be part of the conversation but obviously enjoying and paying attention to everything. That stupid amused smile fooled no one. “For your information, everyone. Drax. I have pleasured more women in the entire galaxy than you have known in your life, okay? I have mastered the sexual arts of beings that are like ….all different colours and stuff because I am an equal opportunity lover. And all of those skills? Yeah. I bring those home every day. Drax, you’re a loser who thought a futon was a double decker couch, so whatever. Mic drop. Bam.” Feeling pretty proud and smug, he straightened up. “So yeah. Long story short: I’m amazing.”
Thor was absolutely amused by all of this. In Asgard, it was not considered polite to discuss intimate relationships in public. Although he’d had many dalliances throughout his long life, it was not something that was talked about. One of the many things he had learned to get used to on Midgard was that: the complete and utter lack of boundaries. It must come from the absence of royal blood Thor had presumed. It had been drummed into his head that he had to adhere to specific standards, and those standards did not allow him to be as free with his tongue as this … person.
“I must apologize, but I did not catch your name. I am Thor, God of Thunder, Prince -- well, King of Asgard I suppose now -- still getting used to that,” he said as an aside to Tony. “It appears you are well known here.”
“Fuckin’ eh I am, buddy. I’m Star-Lord, but I’ll let you call me Peter, cause it looks like you’re friends with Stark there, and like we’re equals. Me a little more on this ship since I’m CAPTAIN and all, but yeah. We’re like this.” He crossed his fingers. “And that’s Drax. He’s useless.”
Tony opened his mouth to say something, and he was interrupted by Drax the Destroyer. Drax, who wasn't aware he was destroying this conversation. He still believed that a futon could accommodate two people, which he and Mantis proved when she slept clinging to the top part of it. At least until she got mad at him for some reason he couldn't remember.
"You were incensed when I asked your father, the god planet, if he had a penis," countered Drax with disgust. "And you showed embarrassment when I told you that we used to tell the stories of our children's conceptions to them, so they might understand the raw and brutal passion that brought them bloody and screaming from their mother's womb into life."
Drax clenched a fist with resolve, although he squinted with confusion at the same time as he admitted, "I do not know what part of you a mic is. But you should seize hold of it and impress your lover. They will not be seduced if you are dropping it hard enough to make such a sound."
"Oh my god. I can feel it. I'm losing IQ points with every passing second," Tony grumbled to Thor under his breath. "I don't think he's a fan of yours. Sucks to be you."
Thor had never had someone flat out dislike him. It was an odd sensation, one that made him feel a little put out, if he was honest. Everyone loved him.
"I must admit, I am not entirely sure I walked onto the correct ship," Thor admitted to Tony as he watched Drax and Peter argue between the two of them. Something about boundaries, which obviously had different meanings for the two. "Have you known these individuals long? I would be most pleased to learn they are not potential Avengers."
On the flip side of the proverbial coin, Tony was used to courting controversy. A lot of people didn't like him, equal with the people that did. You couldn't please everyone. He had the distinct feeling that Thor was finding that out for himself.
"Uh? A couple months or so." Tony shrugged a shoulder, fascinated now that he was watching from the sidelines rather than being in the thick of an argument. "They call themselves the Guardians of the Galaxy. I think they need guarding from each other."
He focused less on the debate over boundaries because that was going nowhere.
"In further unsexy news, the Avengers broke up," he told Thor. "Not sure how much you remember. Me and Steve got into it for...reasons. Mostly, the governments were pissed off about Sokovia and Ultron. There was another incident. Drew up this whole list of rules to dictate what we could and couldn't do. I got in trouble this year and got arrested, and my lawyers got the Sokovia thing declared unconstitutional. I know I'm not one to talk, but you might wanna keep the big damn hero gig under wraps."
"Pity." Thor enjoyed fighting, even more so if it was sanctioned.
"Look, for the millionth time, we are not comparing junk! I don't wanna look at your mini smurf, okay?" This was getting nowhere. Plus Peter was pretty sure he'd seen Drax naked enough times in his life.
"Did you get me my parts, Iron-Guy?" Better to change the topic.
"There is no shame in nudity," Drax protested. Anyway, it wasn't the size that mattered in either of their cases, but - like most weapons - how you used it. "We should celebrate our flaws as much as our strengths. Do not be ashamed if you have girth in other less desirable areas. Gamora accepts you as you are, as do I."
"There'll still be fights. We're like...the Secret Avengers now," Tony was telling Thor, having actually found a conversation he wasn't about to interrupt, not even with a ten-foot pole. That would only end up an obvious joke about length.
Tony almost looked relieved when Peter tried to change the topic. He jabbed a thumb back in the direction of where he left the replacements.
"Yeah, there's a bunch of refabbed parts over there. I can get that hole sealed up whenever you're ready. We're gonna have to get Wanda in on the whole energy pearls thing, though? She said she'd try it. Pretty sure she can charge 'em."
Peter glared at Drax and made a motion with his hands, showing how large his penis actually was. “Oh great, cool.” Making his way past the Prince of Surf, Peter made sure to puff his chest out and suck everything in. Way in. It was hard to breathe but worth it for the knowing appreciation look he got in return. At least, that’s what he was interpreting it as.
Drax only shook his head and made a fist-pumping motion behind Quill's back. He knew what he was packing and how much of a punch it had. If anything, Drax was confident of his skills, for his wife assured him of such and his people were poor liars.
Thor was absolutely not appreciating Peter. He was more amused at this Midgardian’s need to be the best in the room...even worse than Tony’s need to be the smartest. It didn’t seem to matter what was discussed, Peter would have to be on top. Thor tested this theory out.
“Stark. I was disappointed to see my gym had been dismantled in my time away. I would like to ask if my weights are still accessible. After all, there doesn’t seem to be an acceptable quarry nearby, and I laugh at the ‘limits’ they place in the gyms here.” He chuckled. “How would I possibly gain any strength maxing out at 500 lbs?”
Meanwhile, off in Team Avengers corner, Tony looked like he wanted to laugh. He was willing to play this game, because it was all too obvious to the King of Strutting His Stuff (that's him, not Peter) that someone's ego wasn't just wounded, it was bleeding out all over the place.
He also knew that Thor had a decent sense of humor, even if a metric shit ton of pop culture jokes flew over his head. Just like they did with that Drax guy. Still, nothing wrong with a little bit of friendly competition, and Peter was going to need to let that gut suck out when he ran out of o2. He started doing a countdown in his head of how long Peter might last, wishing he could openly bet money with Thor while timing it on a stopwatch.
"It's in the storage too. I can send it over to your place. I was working on that thousand pound bench press, but I don't think that'd be enough for you either. You know, you could probably pick up a bus. Have you tried a bus? With people in it? Just carry it to the next stop. Everyone cheering the whole way...."
Thor genuinely pondered the suggestion, as he watched the ire grow in Peter. Any second now the space pirate would have to exhale. "Perhaps." He really hadn't spoken to his fans in a while... and he was still being recognized positively in public. Good thing he wasn't around during that whole fight with Steve.
"For the time being, my weights in my rooms would be more than appreciated. I have thought of patrolling, simply to see if there are any buildings that need lifting, or the occasional plane to land..." He gave a nonchalant shrug. "The usual for a superhero."
Peter couldn't take it anymore. Grumbling to himself, he decided it was better to ignore them than play this game. He was better than that anyways.
That resolve lasted about two seconds.
"Annnnnnnnnd fixed. I think once you get on that energy thing, we might have a functioning FTL again. That's Faster Than Light," he explained to Thor slowly. "Kind of a big deal that I can do this. No one else can."
"Rocket can," Drax added helpfully, with a mouth full of Cheetos.
"Holy shit. I feel so ed-ju-ma-cated," Tony grumbled under his breath so that only Thor could hear. That didn't last long before he was talking normally again, glancing at Peter as he turned to tell Thor. "Yep, I'm gonna get on that and getting this guy his weights back. We might need some planes carried or buildings lifted. Hey, you remember that time you went toe to toe with Hulk? I bet you could get out and push this ship faster than light speed if you wanted to. Let's give Wanda a break. You got this."
He had no idea that Thor twirled a ship around to restart a Dwarven forge around a dying star. If he did, he would be doubled over laughing.
“Sounds very probable to me,” Thor responded, a twinkle appearing in his eyes. He had done it before. Many times, actually.
“No it doesn’t. That’s not probable. Science, bitches. You literally could not do this.”
“I do not adhere to Midgard’s rules of science. I am a magical being.” Thor couldn’t help but wonder how well Peter and Jane would get along. That also reminded him as to why he was there in the first place. He had been thinking of how he could facilitate a meeting between Jane and himself, which was proving more difficult than he thought. Once he’d learned there was a ship in one of Tony’s many garages, Thor hoped he could possibly scope it out, provide some information for Jane.
“Well, I’m a celestial being, and I still believe in science, so suck it.” Peter wasn’t going to go into the whole story but they didn’t need to know about it really only being half. Maybe. He was probably still somewhat celestial, even if he did kill his dad..planet..thing. Sperm planet? It was complicated.
Tony didn't even want to go into how he got the ship moved around. But if he could pick up giant pieces of machinery and lob them at Thanos and shove half a ferry back together, a ship being moved around from points A to B was no problem. It didn't help that the government kept calling him and accusing him of having some 'space debris' that they tracked when it fell on the upstate headquarters. Nothing he couldn't blow off, in his usual dismissive manner. They didn't know what it was, only the estimated size, and he claimed it was one of their largest satellites in a controlled free fall. So if he had to hand over anything, he'd take a jaunt up to space and bring one of his own satellites out of orbit. Fun times.
In current fun times? This rivalry was real, and Tony was watching it with amused interest. It wasn't in his nature to stop it from happening because it was funny as hell, but he knew that it was going to go in cycles. All the better to popcorn.gif in his mind, at a leisurely pace.
"Hi! I'm super smart and an engineer. We gotta ship to fix. If Thor needs to push it? Hey, I know he can do it. I need your diagnostics from past flights, and a look at that F.T.L. drive so we can get you space people back into space." He patted Thor on the back. "No offense, Point Break. But I think we're gonna need some more space recon. And you've got connections."
He looked over at Peter. Drax was standing behind Star-Lord, pouring cheese powder out of the bottom of the bag into his wide open mouth.
"Sure you're...a celestial being," Tony said with an eye roll, "but he's the King of Asgard. That's the sort of connection that gets info. Fast. You're gonna need that, space cowboy."
Peter glared at Drax. “NOW you keep quiet?! Come on buddy, back me up here. It’s how I was able to withstand that infinity stone thing.”
Thor was suddenly interested in what Peter had to say. “You handled an infinity stone? And survived?” What miniscule respect Thor had for Peter went up slightly. “Impressive.”
"...empty," Drax said, unhelpfully, as he balled up the bag and threw it over his shoulder. He clearly took cleanliness tips from Quill and teen Groot. He looked over to Peter. "Did you speak to me? I was preoccupied."
At Thor's side, Tony was also staring at Star-Lord in a whole new light. He knew that the amount of gamma radiation that the Tesseract was pumping out (trackable, by the way) made holding it with bare hands no small feat. Whatever a Celestial was, he was glad that Peter was on their side. And fetching him coffee. Because that's important too.
"Which one was it, again?" he asked, remembering from his dreams that whole talk that Wong and Strange gave them in the Sanctum.
“I dunno, a big one?” Peter really didn’t keep track. It wasn’t super pivotal in his life, other than that was what cemented his friendship and pseudo family with the Guardians. “Can we get back to what’s important please? I want to fly again. This walking on two feet shit is getting old fast.”
“Although I would like to know more, I respect your desire to speak of other things. In actuality, this is why I came onto the ship. I was hoping that I would be allowed access to a diagram or two, perhaps a schematic, to provide to someone.” Vague Thor was vague. “No one of any consequence, of course.”
Tony was looking at Peter with that sort of pinpoint focus he got when working out the kinks on a project. It was going to get backburnered, because there was plenty of time to get Star-Lord to fess up. With Thor's history of taking off, it wasn't as easy to get answers out of him.
"Someone. Who's that?" Tony asked, now turning that focused stare onto the God of Thunder. "Anyone I know? I can do some diagrams, no prob, but I'm not just handing over specs to this guy's ship....oh, by the way, don't start." He paused to point over to Peter. "I don't wanna hear more posturing unless it's from me. Anyway. I'm not doing it without knowing who it's going to. Not cool."
Wisely, Peter kept his mouth shut. For once, he seemed to recognize that he wasn’t the one getting into trouble. Instead, he reached for a thing of Pringles and leaned back with Drax, offering him the can. He lived for this shit.
“Someone.” Thor shrugged in an awkward way and tried to cross his arms across his chest until he felt uncomfortable under Tony’s gaze and straightened up, eventually deciding to put his hands in his pockets. “Someone. Smart. Intelligent. That you possibly already know and have met and enjoyed drinks and laughs with before.” He motioned vaguely into the air before he realized he now didn’t know what to do with his hands again. “A ...woman. Someone.”
Peter snorted. “Dude, my ship only works to get ME laid.”
Drax also lived for this shit, so he had his big hand stuck in the Pringles container. Because living on a ship of people who were like family meant that there were a ton of arguments. Most of which were an excuse to enjoy snack foods.
Meanwhile, Tony Stark was like a shark that caught the scent of blood in the water from miles away. He happened to like Jane too. Enough that he didn't want the quirky scientist who made toasters into calculators, or whatever, to get her heart broken any further. Not that he'd say that out loud, because the hell if he wanted anyone here to realize he had squishy parts they could poke at with a stick, later on.
"Is this the same someone that you were trying to boast to me about being better than Pep? During that one party? Because I remember when that was a thing. And I hope to hell you aren't gonna use this guy's specs...." Tony jabbed a thumb over in Peter's direction. "...to make a booty call."
Thor bristled at that. “Stark. I respect you as a colleague, and as a friend. You have had my back on many occasions, and I yours. Trust me when I say this is not a ‘booty call’ situation. I am simply remedying a hurt.” Maybe if the two of them were alone, he’d say more, but not in front of Peter and Drax. “And I genuinely have no idea how else to do it.”
“I’m okay if I get to call in a favour later,” Peter called out, his mouth full of chips. Swallowing thickly, he motioned towards Tony. “From both of you. Hey? That sounds like a good deal. You can see my engine, Iron Boss, and give this poor single guy some specs, and then later, when I need something, you help me. Everyone wins, right?”
"True. All would seem to benefit from such an arrangement," added Drax. Again, he is helping by commending this effort to aid a fellow manly man. "It is noble of you to aid the pirate angel in obtaining his lost booty. I am proud of you for overcoming your jealous insecurities, my friend."
Tony, meanwhile, lobbed a shrewd squint over at Peter. Favors? He almost scoffed that he gave this guy a job and he was the one doing all the work doing a mock-up. He had a few choice words for Thor, but it wasn't the time or place either. He rolled his eyes so hard it looked like it would physically hurt.
"Whatever. I'm game if you are." He muttered under his breath to Thor, just to make his thoughts clear. "I've got your back, but only because you're fixing some hurt fee-fees. Just stay away from the friends-with-benefits thing, because that never ends well."
“Many thanks.” And Thor meant it. He was not going to acknowledge Tony’s comments regarding sex, and he’d always thought the Avengers, as a team, were far too open with each other regarding these things. One did not comment on the private lives of another. It simply wasn’t done.
“I shall leave you to this then. Stark. Peter. Drax.” A head nod punctuated each name before Thor turned and left.
“About time,” Peter muttered, finishing off the Pringles. “Engine room?”
"Engine room," Tony confirmed, watching as Thor left. Out of everyone on the team, Tony was the one who wanted to know all the gossip, the one who wasn't afraid of butting in with personal questions...or the random accusation if he was feeling pissy. Oh well. He'd bring it up another time, so he could explain why Earth Girls Weren't Easy.