Who: Darcy and Loki What: Road trip, gone wrong. Lady Loki makes an appearance. When: After these texts Rating/Warnings: Yellow, for language and some extremely skimmed over boning and drugs
Thanks to the runes he had left in Darcy's new bedroom, it didn't take Loki long to pop out of nowhere. He was dressed in a black sweater and pants, with a long overcoat and a green scarf tucked under the collar. He leaned in with a smirk and placed a long and lingering hello kiss upon her lips.
It was much better than saying hello. He supposed they would have time to talk, or bicker, on the way to wherever it was she was going. 'Upstate,' she had said. Loki wasn't entirely certain what upstate was and he didn't particularly care for journeys as much as he liked indulging in the lap of luxury. Thor dragged him out on many an adventure, a few of which Loki had outright protested going on. Literally dragged, in a few cases.
There was nothing off-putting about this jaunt. Loki's primary concern was keeping the people he cared about as safe as possible. He cared very deeply for Darcy. All of the worries and concerns of recent events left him wanting to draw closer to others, without making it seem he was doing so. And drawing closer to others meant drawing Darcy closer to the nearest wall, which he found made for excellent leverage indeed. He's only saying hello because he missed her. He can hardly be blamed for that.
And that is how they ended up doing incredibly lewd things against the wall of her bedroom, before doing the walk of shamean utterly disheveled strut of sheer satisfaction all the way out to Darcy's car. Even his scarf was left hanging askew. That hardly went noticed, not when there was the sort of smirk on his face that would put the cat that got a canary to shame.
Darcy didn’t mind him just suddenly appearing. It was better than waiting for him to walk over or … gasp… take a bus! The humanity! But really she couldn’t imagine him doing either, so when he appeared she made sure that she was all ready to go. She’d kissed him properly hello and told him where exactly they were going. There were no magic runes to get there or whatever, that’s why she had to drive.
And though she had wanted to get going, as soon as he’d pressed her against the wall, she knew that they weren’t going to leave for a while. Eventually when they did get down to the car, she had had to change her outfit. Again. It had been worth it though. Hopefully Tony wasn’t completely in desperate need for his stuff right away. Besides it was going to take a while to drive there. She let him into the passenger seat and then got on the road.
“So the place we’re going is a couple of hours away. Hope you went potty before we left,” she teased.
After the amount of magic he was expending, he would have been staggering or passing out after creating another sudden path out of nowhere. Things were only made easier when he had placed runes to go to and fro. As it was, he wasn't opposed to a short jaunt with Darcy. It did sound amusing and a fine way to spend some time with her.
"Oh no," he said, his eyes going wide like he had forgotten. It only lasted a few seconds before he stopped short and grinned over at her. "I'm perfectly fine. I do not want to ruin our third date, which consists of what you call a road trip. Midgard has utterly ridiculous names for what would be widely known as a jaunt, or being tasked with an errand."
“Good. Remember that. Don’t ruin the third date.” She would wait to get on the open road to go fast and give him a heart attack maybe. For now she would be driving like a sane person. “Oh I’m sure Asgard has such wonderful names.” She was already rolling her eyes at him. “It’s a trip on the road. Roadtrip. Instead of like flying or teleporting or whatever. Deal with it.”
She was not going to let his little nitpicking deter her from this fun time on the road. But if she had to swat at him from the driver's seat, she would. “Also no smart comments about my driving. Just saying that up front. Or else I’ll turn this car around, mister!”
"What is wrong with your driving, that would dare ruin our delightful third date?" he asked, curious now because he hadn't noticed her driving to be worthy of comment, when she drove them to the statue that Valkyrie was climbing. But, since they were being upfront, he felt he had to add things that he knew, too.
"I have heard mention that the third date also leads to what is known as third base. It is supposed to be some sort of mutual reward to be obtained, from what I understood of it. I was too busy with researching lost artifacts and pricing cereals, that I did not devote time to unraveling the mysteries of these bases."
In the meantime, Loki welcomed anything that involved Darcy touching him. Even in the form of a swat. The look he was giving her was one of pure amusement, just before he began idly inspecting the contents of the glovebox, nonchalantly poking his way through whatever was in there.
“There’s nothing wrong with my driving! But you like to make comments, so just keep them to yourself,” she warned with a smirk. Driving in the city was a lot different than driving in the open country. You didn’t get to go very far when driving through that traffic. He’d probably heard her cuss out some people though. Quite a number of them. Maybe that would happen less, now there wasn’t so many people on the road.
At the mention of third base, she snickered slightly. “Third base is for a sport called baseball, but people have used it to mean sex for a long time. We passed third base a long time ago. We passed home plate a long time ago too.. Home run and all that.” Darcy winked at him as she turned to put them on the interstate. Once they were on that, then it was the open road.
He could go through her things, she didn’t mind that so much. There was nothing scandalous in the glove box. At least she hoped. Hopefully nothing that would get her arrested if she got pulled over.
"They are not comments, dýrr. They are observations."
Darcy often made a great many comments, so Loki decided that he would abide by the same rules she set for herself. He was quiet as he listened to her sexual commentary, as that was a topic he was finding enjoyable as of late. By the end of her assessment, he was left wondering if he might have tread too far past what was expected for Midgardian dating. He would look into that later. In the meantime it seemed Darcy didn't care, because she winked at him. In response, he smiled like a cheshire cat and went back to rifling through her things.
There was nothing terribly interesting. Some paperwork marked as 'insurance', crumpled receipts, some deli napkins, gloss for lips, and a packaged tube of cotton on a string that he pulled apart, and tried to discreetly put back before she noticed. Then there was a strange foil square with something circular and soft encased within. He held it up, pinched between his fingers. Unable to figure out what it was for, he made a small 'eh?' noise and flicked it over his shoulder. It seemed uninteresting and therefore was not worth further inspection. Next he found what looked to be a rolled cylinder of paper, inside a clear pouch. After opening it and wrinkling his nose at the foul smell from within, he promptly threw it out by cracking the window.
Darcy turned her head only for a moment to give him a rather heady look. “There’s definitely a difference and you should be watching what you say.” She was clearly giving him the heads up that he should be wary of what he said next.
Once they were out on the highway though, she started to speed up. Looking for cops. Making sure that she wasn’t going to get pulled over for speeding, but she totally was speeding. There was no sense in not going fast on the highway. That’s what it was there for. And with him in the passenger seat, she could even take the HOV lane, if there was one.
Things were going fine until he rolled down the window and she only very barely looked over in time to see him throw out her weed. Her eyes went wide, and not paying much attention to the road, she abruptly let out a “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?” and then with her hand, started to smack him. Repeatedly. Over and over. Because she could not believe that he just did that. “ARE YOU TOSSING THINGS OUT OF MY CAR?! DID YOU JUST THROW MY FUCKING WEED OUT OF THE FUCKING WINDOW!?”
Okay so they had argued before, but she was about to actually fuck him up. NO ONE got in between her and the weed. No one.
It was safe to say the third date was not a rousing success. Which was fine, considering the make up sex was smokin'. Ironic too, after he threw out what Darcy wanted to be smokin'.
Loki was leaning away from her smacky hand, as it ineffectually hit his arm, his chest, his shoulder, and finally swatted side of his head. Finally, he held up one hand in what might come across as an imperious gesture, because how dare you mortal touch his highness in such a way. He might even look vaguely annoyed, somewhere past all of that abject confusion going on.
"Why are you striking me?" he asked, leaning away when she thwapped at him. "It smelled foul! If you require further weeds, there are plenty all around you. Stop driving like a woman possessed by a ghost of Helheim, and go pluck them from the wayside."
He pointed at the window, indicating the side of the road.
Flames. Flames on the side of her face.
Quickly she yanked the car across a couple of lanes and pulled over, putting on her flashers as she got to the side of the road and stopped the car. She pointed for him to open up the doo. “That cost me a lot of fucking money, and you took my high. So get the hell out of my car and go find it. Have fun looking. Because I am SUPER pissed. Why do you constantly do things without permission??”
She hadn’t pulled over because he told her to by the way. It was because she was going to make him get out and find it. “And then you owe me a bunch of money because you just threw away a lot of it. I fucking mean it.”
If Loki had an i.d. card, it would say Loki T. Friggason upon it. The T would be for Trouble. Because he sure did seem to attract a lot of that.
Much like Darcy, Loki was feeling the flames of his own temper being fanned at...which is surprising considering his genetic coding is set more to frost than fire. He sat up even straighter than usual, crossed his arms, and announced with royal authority:
"I apologize for the transgression. Yet I refuse to fetch your foul smelling weed, for it has likely been crushed by now. And far be it for me to point out that you are on a quest at the behest of Stark. Which I believe takes precedence over your high. Whatever that is."
Before Darcy could protest, he gracefully held up one hand in a gesture to hear him out.
"However," he said in a soothing tone, "because I have transgressed against you, I shall make amends by obtaining more of this precious weed of yours. Will such recompense suffice?"
Her eyebrows went up, all raised and she just stared at him. He was refusing to get out? Oh helllllllll no. Hell. To the No. He wasn’t going to just sit there and and refuse and think he could get out of it by paying her off. Make no mistake, he was going to give her money for it, but he was also going to go out there and find it. Or she was going to go by herself. He could put all the royal hoity toity looks on his face that he wanted, but he was not getting away with any of this shit.
“Get out. Get out of my car. You either find my shit, or you can just fuck off back home. I don’t need you to going through my shit, tossing it out of the window because YOU don’t seem to fucking like it. I don’t have fucking money to just toss shit out the goddamn window. No it won’t fucking suffice.”
Could he just go ONE fucking day without pissing her off. She put her face over her hands. “And just so you know, it’s illegal. So before you go spitting out that I shouldn’t have it in the car...spare me the bullshit. You can’t just leave shit out there on the ground like that, it’s fucking irresponsible. Goddammit. Pick. Either you get out and find it, or I do and if I get out of this car, you need to not be around me.”
"It is illegal?" he queried, eyebrows raised. There might be the beginnings of a smirk on his lips.
His sense of pride dictated that he was not about to go fetch it on foot like a servant. He couldn't allow her to do so either, because she was of great importance to him. Not only would it look odd if someone was picking up stinky illegal weed from the side of the road, but they might get ran into if they entered the flow of traffic. Only one of them would emerge unscathed from such an experience. He placed a finger against his chin while weighing out how he would retrieve it.
"Hm, I see. I need but a moment."
Meanwhile, behind the car, the second of his illusionary doubles appeared. The first was minding the house, left behind to keep a watchful eye on Thor. This new illusion swiftly strode along the side of the road, trying to locate the item in question. Finally, after it seemed like Loki was taking a long time thinking things over, the little packet was found. Somewhat in the roadway. Slightly flattened, but still in one flattened piece.
"Ah ha. How inconvenient," he said aloud, with a slight frown that mirrored his doppleganger. Another tire ran it over, causing both the illusion and Loki to sigh in unison. "Are you certain that you absolutely require this illegal item, Darcy?"
The cute way he was looking at her and thinking it was cute that she was doing illegal things, wasn’t going to get him out of this situation. She was still pretty damn pissed. Hopefully no one was going to pull over and make sure that they were okay. It was clear that they had pulled over because they were looking for something they lost. Maybe no one would actually pay them any mind. If they did, she was leaving his ass behind. Heck she was thinking about doing that now.
“Yes, I’m absolutely sure. Give it to me.” She put her hand out. It wasn’t that she wanted to smoke it. No that was fucking ruined. It was leaving it out on the middle of the road didn’t sit well with her. An animal was going to eat it and maybe get stoned and die and then it would keep her up at night.
She inhaled deeply and then let it out again. “Loki. I am only going to say this once, because I keep having to try and get this through your brain and you’re not really getting it. And I’m tired of having to tell you. You can’t just fucking do what you please. I’m a person. Would you want me going through your things and throwing them out? No. It’s not your property. It’s my stuff. Just.. for the love of fucking Christ, can you go one fucking day without making me angry?”
He glanced over at Darcy like she was clearly asking for far too much.
Instead of saying anything, Loki looked down at her open hand, one eyebrow arched higher than the other. He usually rolled with whatever it was he had in mind, and had been under the impression that their prior agreement was to not cast magic on Darcy. How was he to know she had some sort of illegal plant on her person? And why was it illegal anyway? It was a plant. Midgard was an utterly ridiculous and annoying place.
"But I've already found it," he said, pointing toward the rear window of the car, to where a illusion of himself was waving back at them, far down the road. "I was merely contemplating the best way to fetch it. I shall return, shortly."
He smiled and it oozed nothing but mischief, before leaning in and giving her a kiss on the tip of her nose. He quickly opened the car door and got out, closed it, and suddenly collapsed.
Yet there was no thud or thump of a body landing on asphalt. Rather there was the sound of flapping wings and a large raven flew all the way back to the double, landing on the side of the road. The double pointed down before disappearing and the raven appeared to wait for lull in the flow of traffic, before hopping forward. A couple pecks of the bird's beak and the pouch was deftly picked up. And just in time too, because a large truck was coming right at it. It took flight just in the knick of time, tailfeathers brushing against a headlight. If it had been any other creature, the instincts would not be geared toward being cleverness, and scampering on all fours in a panic would have resulted in a lot of pain and injury.
The raven flew back and landed on the ground near the passenger side door. Within only a few seconds, Loki appeared, eyes widened and heart beating in his ears, using the car to help himself up. He got back in and placed the pouch in Darcy's hand, blowing some of his hair out of his face.
Darcy was literally just going to sit there and wait until he came back with the joint. She would wait. She wasn’t in any hurry, and apparently she had a lot of patience to put up with him. Of course she wasn’t expecting him fly off and nearly get hit as a bird. She had been watching, sticking her head out of the car window and mouth agape. Good grief. Could she not take him anywhere?
She took the pouch from him and sighed. “See? That’s why you don’t throw shit out my damn window. People get hit by cars. It’s not fun.” Good grief. She shook her head, tucked the joint somewhere safe and then started the car again. If he wanted to get angry at her in return, that was fine. She would put up with it, because she hadn’t told him to go and do something silly like that. But really. If she had nosed around through his things and threw out something that Frigga had given him, she’d never hear the end of it.
"I would have survived," he declared, although it would have hurt quite a bit afterward, and perhaps left quite a few splintered bones in the process. Those were an inconvenience. "I am far more durable than you are."
It wasn't a large ordeal to shapeshift into an animal, only that the longer that he was that form, the more the instincts set in and it was too easy to get lost in it. It was also a damn good thing that he never left anything lying around in the open. He kept everything of his mother's in a space only he could get to, because it didn't technically exist where others could paw at his belongings. Except, perhaps, the sorcerer known as Strange. Who could do so, but not without an inordinate amount of time and magical effort being expended. So it was a good thing the Tesseract wasn't being kept there any longer.
Either way, lesson learned. He wondered about that funny bit of cotton on a string, and if he would get in trouble if he didn't come clean and tell her about finding it.
He was quiet for many minutes, staring straight ahead as Darcy drove like a berserker goddess in relentless pursuit of some unseen foe. As they passed the umpteenth vehicle and left them in the dust, he finally decided it was safe to speak again.
"Darcy?" He reached over and tapped a finger lightly on her shoulder. "I do hope you are not in a rush, simply to be rid of me after I carelessly discarded your weeds. Yet I would like to request we stop at one of the shops of convenience. I require sustenance. Also, I may need to replace whatsoever this might be. I dismantled it, and do not wish to incur your wrath should you find out about it, later."
Before she could look over, that mass of cotton on a string was being dangled just to one side of her field of vision. After about five seconds, in the event Darcy hadn't gotten a good look at it, Loki's hand began to bob the cotton up and down. He twirled it once in a circle, before letting it dangle down again.
"What is the purpose of this," asked Loki. "Is it another illicit pastime that you indulge in?"
Well yeah. She didn’t want to get hit by a bus or cross a busy highway. That’s why she’d made him go do it. Of course it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Sigh. It was done now. And they were back on the road. Hopefully she could make up some time for that little adventure.
Though maybe not with him needing to stop to get something to eat. “No, I’m not in any rush.” She actually wasn’t, even though the speedometer said that she was. Less about trying not to be late and more about just liking to go fast. “Yeah okay, where do you want to eat?” She wasn’t all that hungry, but she would stop wherever he wanted and find something to snack on. In retrospect, they should have stopped for snacks before they got on the road. Oh well.
He dismantled something? Darcy took her eyes off the road long enough to look over to see what he was holding. Oh god. Then she promptly burst out laughing. Oh god that was funny. Thankfully she wasn’t swerving the car or anything, but holy shit. Illicit pastime. Oh god.
“I stick that up my vagina when I’m bleeding,” she told him in between fits of laughter.
There was a profound moment of silence in the car. To his credit, Loki did not fling it aside or drop it or make an eww face. He merely stared at it, and then watched Darcy laugh. While driving. How was she not swerving? She was masterful, indeed.
He actually shrugged and started laughing along with her, although he couldn't fathom why Midgardian women had to endure such discomfort during their womanly cycles. The healers of Asgard had so many options to help with that. Although he had gathered Midgardian physiology was different...and much more frail.
"Then it seems to be quite the torture device." He finally put it back where he found it, into the glove compartment . Considering the cumulative time spent some time sneaking around in a womanly form, it wasn't anything to be too terribly embarrassed about.
Now that the torture device was out of sight and out of mind, Loki reached out to touch a lock of her hair. He lazily twirled the end around a fingertip, over and over again. "I never had to suffer in such a way. As for where to eat, I am not particular. Changing forms is rather taxing."
“Well duh. They’re made by men and most men hate women.” It was sad but true. “And unfortunately only recently things for that have been made by women and they’re expensive. It sucks but you just kind of have to put up with it because it’s not like I can wave a magic wand and not bleed any more. I mean not until I’m old and not having kids any more.” She’d only slightly stopped laughing. It was still pretty amusing.
She pulled into one of the drive thrus, one of the better ones though which had good milkshakes and fries that she liked. Darcy took his order and got her own before getting their food. “Yeah you don’t have to suffer that way, you don’t have a period. Or do you? Do you?” Because man that would be weird. Not judging. But weird.
"That's abhorrent. Asgard was not exactly kind to women It is why Lady Sif was our only shield-maiden of renown, after the Valkyries died long ago."
Money was offered to Darcy, for Loki's order was massive. While he could be picky, he figured that it was difficult to mess up rudimentary ingredients such as cheese, meat, bread, and potatoes. He had yet to find Midgardian food that wasn't to his liking. Certainly, his appetite was nowhere near Volstagg, the bottomless pit, but it was a still a pretty significant portion of the menu...and one milkshake. When Darcy asked if he had any experience with such matters, there was a slight 'ahem' from where Loki was sitting. And when a hand reached over to take hold of the first bag of food, the fingers were long and more delicate in appearance.
"It happened once, when I remained in this form for far too long," a now very female Loki said, in a voice that was an even softer and lower purr than before. There was a satisfied smirk on her face, and it was definitely Loki's visage in feminine form. Even the coloring was exactly the same, from the mischievous pale eyes and porcelain skin, to the ink black hair. It seemed that no matter what form it was being shaped into, Loki was always somehow Loki.
"I'm very adept at illusions and shapeshifting, so it was horrifying and embarrassing. I had to cast an illusion and run to a healer. Luckily, there were many non-tortuous means to render it void, or to avoid it altogether. If not, Asgard would have been overpopulated by people that lived for thousands of years, begetting child after child. Oh, do not let them forget to give us napkins? While it smells divine, this fare looks to be coated in oils."
Loki wasted no time in opening the bag and making sure to take from her order of fries.
“Yeah no shit. Only Wakanda treats women as badasses.” And that place Wonder Woman was from. If Wonder Woman was real in this verse. Which she wasn’t. So whatever. She shrugged and let him give her money as they got food and she started to drive. She only got something little so that she could eat and drive at the same time. Nearly all of the food was for him anyway.
She did a bit of a double take when he turned into Lady Loki. Had she seen this form before? Had she known that he could do that? “Holy shit..” she whistled a little. “You wanna pull over and have sex? Like that, I mean.” They couldn’t, not really. They had to be on the road. But she was still interested. “Oh. See you guys are always way more advanced than us. If there’s not napkins in there, there’s somewhere you got my weed. Just don’t fucking throw them away?”
Loki wasn't aware of what things were like in Wakanda or where Wonder Woman was from, but it seemed that she was just as vain about her female form as she was over the male form. She visibly preened when Darcy propositioned her, smoothing one hand down over her hair.
"I won't throw them away, as they appeared useful," she said, taking the napkins out of the glove box. Her smile went sly and she looked Darcy over with a predatory gaze. "We could do so, if only you weren't on an errand. And if you promise you will not tell Thor. I have never told him. Odin would never have approved."
Loki then started eating in a way that profoundly ladylike while packing away an enormous amount of food, one item after another. It wasn't fancy fare by any means, but her eyes fluttered closed and she barely managed not to moan with delight.
In between bites and dabbing the napkin at her lips and fingers, she asked, "How much longer until we arrive at Stark's upstate office?"
Darcy sighed a little. “Yeah. Errand. No having sex in the car. Not until we get back.” That’s what she was telling herself anyway. “I won’t tell Thor. Really? I mean I get Odin. Old white guys are shitty, but sure your brother won’t mind. I hope.” She didn’t honestly know. Maybe it could go either way. Maybe a little confused of course. Female Thor would be hot too. Not that she was trying to sleep with everyone but wll.
“Maybe a couple of hours. It takes a while. Just sit back and relax.” Now that they were really really on the way there without any interruptions, hopefully this wouldn’t take too long.