|the purple man (kilgrav) wrote in avengers_logs,|
@ 2018-02-18 20:22:00
Jessica’s apartment was as unappealing as always. Clothes strewn about, empty liquor bottles and piles of junk stacked in various corners of the rooms. Kilgrave made a face in disapproval as he prowled around. How Jessica could ever go from living a life of comfort back to this lifestyle, Kilgrave could never understand. He certainly couldn’t do it himself -- luxury and cleanliness had always been a priority for him. Jessica was different, or so he had learned. Yet another flaw Kilgrave hadn’t managed to stamp out of her.
Strangely, her defiance had only made him care for her more. He had wanted to keep her with him forever and he had no intention of changing that stance. He would remind her again, if only she were actually here to hear it.
The apartment was empty as far as he could tell. Kilgrave pulled out his phone, scrolling back through the last messages of their texts. She had been here, of course, but not for long. It was a shame, really. He only wanted to see her again. She could be so stubborn about giving him any respect. How were they meant to be a team if she constantly evaded him?
Your landlord let me in. Handsome bloke, he wrote. Not that I’m concerned. He’s not exactly competition.
He could wait, he supposed. He would for Jessica. He was willing to do so many things for her that she ought to be grateful. One day, perhaps, she would come to appreciate his patience. For now, he would pour himself a drink and attempt to wrap his mind around the fact she hadn’t actually seen him for months.
Don’t be out long, he added to the next text. You know I hate getting to know the neighbours.
When Jessica had finally realized that this wasn’t some fucked up nightmare, she’d decided to just leave before he showed up unannounced at her place. That was the last thing she wanted to do. She even threw her phone away. Of course she’d had another one, and she’d been checking her old messages when she got it. She knew this was coming, but she’d hoped that it wouldn’t be so fucking soon. She thought about smashing this phone. Disappearing for real.
She knew though that he would absolutely go through with hurting her landlord. Malcolm. Fuck, Malcolm. He’d already been hurt before and she didn’t even warn him that he was back. Shit shit shit. Quickly she’d texted Malcolm to get the hell out of the building. Jessica knew she had to go back. She downed just about the entire bottle of whiskey on her way back to her building. This could not be happening. Of all things to fucking come back. Fuck this stupid world. She was done with it. She should have let them all burn.
Not to mention that she knew that Rumlow would eventually come looking for her. And if he was there when Kilgrave was… For someone who didn’t give a shit, she cared an awful lot about the people around her.
She was pretty fucking drunk when she showed up back at her place. Jessica slammed open the door. Maybe she should just try to kill him again. Right here. Right now.
“Where the fuck are you?”
Jessica certainly took her time, Kilgrave noted. He had the opportunity to make himself at home. He placed his jacket aside, feet up as flipped through the channels on her television. He did need to catch up on the times after all. And if Jessica was going to take hours doing God-knew-what, he might as well enjoy himself.
For the most part, he stuck with watching the news. It had been fascinating to hear how the country was in an even worse state than when he’d left it. Not that he cared per se, but it was an interesting discovery. Weren’t these so-called super heroes meant to do their job rather than fight amongst themselves?
The door slam that signaled Jessica’s obvious arrival directed his attention away from those thoughts. He leaned back, glancing behind to try to spot her.
“You’re in quite the mood,” he commented, swinging his legs off the couch. He stood across from her, a wary look settling into place. “Not that I expected a welcome mat.”
Even from this short distance he could catch the smell of alcohol. It was a shame she was not quite as sober as he had hoped. If her drinking problem had gotten worse he supposed he ought not to mention that first thing. He was well aware of how very hostile she was to his caring.
Still, morbid curiosity tugged at him. He crossed his arms, as if he were some concerned, disciplinary parent.
“Are you even going to remember this conversation tomorrow?”
Jessica just stared at him. That was all she could do. He was there, and alive and the last time that she’d seen him, he was crumpled up on the floor. There were so many things going on in her head. Not just that she had to deal with this again, and figure out some way to stop him - but that probably at any minute, he could figure out how their story ended. And when he realized that she had murdered him, there was going to be absolute hell to pay. For now though, as she looked at him, she was trying to concentrate on remembering how it felt to snap his neck. That would bring a smile to her face, if anything would. A little anyway. And then one more reminder that she had way too much blood on her hands.
She dropped her shit onto the chair finally and rubbed her face. “I really hope not. I’m kind of hoping that you’re going to be a figment of my imagination tomorrow.” And that he would be gone forever. It didn’t seem like anyone was here. Someone he’d found and tied up to use against her, maybe. That was a positive. She went over and turned off the television. “Don’t run up my cable bill,” she grumbled. Yeah she didn’t really care about that, and it wasn’t how it worked but it would prevent him from maybe seeing something he shouldn’t.
“This… shit, has got to stop.” Finally she was giving him actual attention instead of just staring at him. Jessica gestured around to basically nothing. “What the fuck are you even doing here? Look at me. I can’t fucking help anyone. Can’t you go be obsessed with someone else for like.. Five minutes and leave me the fuck alone?”
She was an absolute wreck. This never would have happened if whatever time-loop hadn’t occurred. The two of them should have been fine -- closer than ever as the months went on. Kilgrave was going to look after her and treat her right and in another reality, she might have finally fallen in love with him by now.
Instead, he was left with this intoxicated mess. There was so much more work to be done now; he could hardly choose where to start.
“Well.” He tapped his fingers against his arm, wrapping his head around the words that might be least likely to cause Jessica to self-destruct or attempt to throw him out of the window. “When we decided to try the hero thing I didn’t expect to be saving you first. How could I leave you alone? I am looking at you. It’s… “-- disappointing, to say the least -- “…a bit unexpected.”
Kilgrave had very little experience with empathy. He wondered if this was it - the feeling that her turmoil had seeped into him. He knew Jessica could be the perfect woman and yet she still chose to run as far away from perfection as she could. Whatever it was, something made him pause to see her like this.
Of course, love had introduced him to a whole slew of contradicting feelings. It could have been that.
“You must know I can’t control you. I’m not here to torture you, Jessica.”
He was right about one thing, she definitely wouldn’t have been like this, if he had stayed away. Above everything, Jessica never really understood why he was so obsessed with her. There were tons of people out there with powers, who weren’t completely fucked up. Not that she wanted him to go off and stalk someone else, but she would have been happier if he had just left the her the hell alone. She didn’t know what kind of person she would be, if he hadn’t invaded her life.
Jessica put a hand over her face and forced herself to breathe in and out instead of have another panic attack. Or vomit, just thinking about him trying to save her. “Maybe you know, if I asked you to leave me the fuck alone, you should just do as I say. That’s usually what happens when people care about each other. You know, unless it’s you.” God, she was going to be sick. She needed another drink. She went for her backpack, where there was a bottle of something in it, and her new phone.
“Oh yeah, not torture me, which is why you threatened my fucking neighbors. Or you threaten anyone or anything the moment I don’t do as you fucking ask.” She rolled her eyes and grasped the bottle.
She went around and slumped down into her chair. “No matter what I do, you’re always just.. There.. Like a fucking cockroach. I can’t get rid of you.”
Clearly he wasn’t getting through to her. He almost felt offended. Here he was on his best behavior and still Jessica was accusing him of threatening just about anyone. All he had done was send her a few text messages – very bored messages, really. This was just conversation. This was just checking in. How could she have gotten it so wrong?
“I haven’t been threatening anyone,” he said calmly. “Can you really not tell the difference?”
He did look disappointed then, watching her retreat to her chair. He had only mentioned his distaste for small talk in his texts. That hadn’t meant he was about to order her neighbors to walk off a ledge. Well, not so much anymore. Not today anyway.
“I give you my word, if that means anything to you. I honestly thought we were going to make a go of helping people. You could teach me whatever you think I need to learn to make me a decent person… from your perspective, anyway. Balance the scales, you know.” He looked away, back out at the rest of the dirty room. “I suppose you need more time to think about it.”
He hated that – it shook him like a tremendous loss. They had last left off in such a good place. Whatever had happened to her in the time they were apart had certainly stifled their progress. If she truly wanted to rescind the deal, she would. And Kilgrave would consider other ways to win her love. Somehow.
Good. He should be offended. If at the very least, she could offend the fuck out of him, then that was okay with her. The problem of course landed in the fact that when she said things to him, he thought that she was lying, or didn’t listen to her at all. It was typical, with men like him. It made her sick to her stomach, though on the list of horrible things that he’d done, that was probably at the bottom. She also very much liked disappointing him.
“You mean like how you threatened to have the two people at my .. fucking house, kill each other or torture each other or whatever the fuck it was, if I didn’t come back? Yeah. I can’t fucking tell the difference. You do this fucking shit all the time. And you can’t be trusted to not hurt people I give a shit about, so yeah. I can’t fucking tell the difference.” There was a headache, forming in the back of her skull. One that wasn’t going to go away with alcohol.
His word didn’t mean jack shit to her, but Jessica knew that it meant something to him. She rubbed her face again. God she just wanted to reach over and take a hold of him by the throat. “You leave everyone the fuck alone, I fucking mean it. No vague threats, no fake threats. Leave them the fuck alone. Don’t fucking touch me unless I say it’s okay.” And it was never going to be okay. “And fine, I will help you.. Be a fucking superhero.”
What the hell else could she do, until she came up with a better plan? “And if you don’t want to follow that? Then I swear to fucking god, I will shoot myself in the fucking head and be rid of all of this for good. Cause who the fuck knows about this time thing, and I’m feeling like taking some fucking chances. So do we have a deal or not?”
He furrowed his brow at her, not entirely understanding her point. He had used Alva and Laurent, of course, but how else was he meant to ensure Jessica came back to him? It was only a temporary measure. Perhaps he had been a tad dramatic in what he had ordered them to do, but half the time he did mean to call them off even if Jessica didn’t return. Well, he meant to if he remembered. He gave a lot of orders, and he was still trying to keep track of the ones that were actually important.
“Right,” he said, as if he were trying to follow some difficult math problem. “I may have gone too far with them.” It was not a difficult thing to admit, but it was confusing. He hardly knew what was a step too far for his commands. He had no idea how normal people got what they wanted -- they didn’t, he realized. It made him think of being a child again. A science experiment.
“I swear to you I’m not playing a game,” he started again, more confident than before. “If you choose to do this with me, I’ll follow your lead. Do you know what I get out of it? Time with you, Jessica. The woman I love. I don’t want you to hate me.”
He remembered her terms from the last time they had made this deal. How angry she had gotten the moment he had reached for her. She had that same wild look now, especially with the threat that she might kill herself. It was startling enough he began to stare at her, memorizing her while she was still sitting before him.
“We have a deal,” he said, an uneasiness marring his features. “You won’t need to go that far. When do we start?”