Who: Bobbi and Darcy What: Everyone should be afraid When: Backdated to before the plot Where: Some dive bar Warnings: Language, naughty girls plotting against everyone Status: Complete
It wasn’t unusual for Bobbi and Darcy to meet up, hang out and gossip over a few beers. But they might have been getting a reputation. Tonight when they walked into a seedy bar they’d been to once before they didn’t have to evict anyone to get a couple of stools at the bar. The bartender of McCleary’s gave a heavy sigh before Bobbi got a look that was somewhere between pleading and warning as they sat down.
“Yep,” she said to Darcy. “He remembers us.” Bobbi blew him a kiss before she laughed. “Geez. You’d think he’d be grateful that I broke up that fight.” Breaking up a fight had included her putting the perps and two bouncers into the hospital. Oops.
Going out with Bobbi was one of Darcy’s favorite ways to spend time. They had a pretty similar outlook on things and Darcy could talk to her about pretty much anything, which was nice, especially since she was second in command to Darcy’s boss. Fury acted intimidating, but it didn’t phase her and she appreciated that Bobbi was the same way.
“We are pretty memorable,” she said. Even without Bobbi breaking up a fight and sending people to the hospital. They were young and hot and fun. Most bartenders would be thrilled to have women like that around because they drew in crowds of stupid men who would spend a lot of money in an effort to impress them. “Even when you’re not kicking ass.”
“Aw shucks, Darcy. You’re gonna make me blush.” Then, as if to prove Darcy’s unspoken point, Bobbi turned a thrusted chest, simpering smile to the bartender. “Pitcher of whatever’s on tap and line up a couple of rounds of Jameson for me and my lovely assistant here. And start a tab, ‘kay thanks.” She blew the bartender a kiss. She got a sigh and an eyeroll in return before he left to get the order. It was a good thing they had a more than adequate bankroll to make the trouble they brought worthwhile.
“So,” Bobbi snipped as she turned back to Darcy. “Do you have a count started yet and if so who with?”
Darcy smirked. “Just one,” she said. “Peter. He’s fun.” And he didn’t want anything more from her than she was willing to give, which was really nice. It seemed like everyone else around here was getting married lately and that was just not her thing at all.
“How about you? Make any progress with the doc yet?”
“The spider-kid? Oh my god, you freak!” Bobbi laughed as the bartender eyed them both. Their drinks were set down and he moved away quickly. “What’s he, thirteen? Ew!” She knew that wasn’t who Darcy was talking about, but wanted to give her friends a hard time.
“Nothing yet,” she said with a grimace. “Something must be wrong with me. I’m off my game or getting soft.”
“Oh, yeah, didn’t you know I’m totally into the fumbling virgins,” Darcy said, rolling her eyes at Bobbi’s joke. She knew that her friend knew exactly who she was talking about and had probably seen them leaving Tony’s wedding together. It wasn’t like they’d been subtle.
She took a drink of her beer, watching the way Bobbi grimaced. “I don’t think it’s you,” she said. “I mean, can he even have sex? Or does Big Green take over?”
Bobbi laughed. “Hey, someone’s going to have to bring Spider-Kid into the world of adult entertainment. We all cross that vibrating bridge one day.” But that Peter was way off limits for a lot of reasons, not just because he was young.
An edge of seriousness entered Bobbi’s tone of voice. “I’ve checked the files. There’s speculation, but nothing’s been proven either way. Truth is, we don’t really know what triggers the change. Emotional stress setting off a chemical reaction? We just don’t know.”
Yeah, that was something Darcy had zero interest in. If anything, she preferred older, more experienced guys. Sometimes she lamented that Fury was her boss, because she’d definitely be working that angle if he wasn’t. It wouldn’t likely be successful, but she’d sure be trying.
“Hmm, well, if it is an issue, then you’re better off,” she said. “Who wants to die naked crushed by a rage monster?” That would be utterly humiliating.
There had been plenty of women and some men that tried to pry open Fury’s pants. As far as Bobbi knew no one had been successful. However, now that she knew Carol Danvers had a past with him Bobbi speculated what exactly was in that past.
“He doesn’t even seem interested,” Bobbi complained. “I mean who wouldn’t be interested in motorboating these?” She thrust her chest out which cause the man next to her to spill his drink.
Darcy laughed. “I volunteer as tribute!”
It made her laugh harder when the man next to Bobbi proceeded to fall off of his bar stool. Maybe they shouldn’t be allowed out in public together. Oh well. “I don’t know what to tell you,” she said. “He seems boring to me.” Not a challenge she had any interest in pursuing.
They scored their first victim of the night. Bobbi intended that they beat their record.
“Ha!” Bobbi chuckled as she put back a shot of scotch. “It’s the quiet ones that are the freakiest.” She smirked as she winked at Darcy. “Coulson. I’ve heard things.”
“Really?” Darcy considered that. Maybe she should seek out the agent and spend some time with him. That could be fun. “I can kind of see that.”
No one had that much control without having a freaky side.
There was a reason why Bobbi threw out Coulson’s name. She looked forward to watching what unfolded. Coulson liked to come off as cool and distant. Untouchable. Young Fury. Phil would have to be as good as Nick or better to resist Darcy.
“So c’mon,” Bobbi said as she lifted her beer mug. “Dish. I want to hear your opinion on everything that’s going on.”
If nothing else, Darcy appreciated a challenge.
“Like what? The fact that everyone is apparently getting married? I didn’t expect superheroes to be so boring.” Though she supposed it kind of made sense. They didn’t have quite the same expectations here that they did at home. “Did you know Loki’s getting married? He stopped by my apartment to talk to me. Apparently with all the new memories that people got, his were all messed up and he wanted to talk about the relationships he had with the past mes.” Which hadn’t actually been as awkward as it might sound.
Bobbi didn’t spit her beer, but she did choke on it. It took a few moments of coughing and wiping tears from her eyes before she could give Darcy an extremely incredulous look. “Loki? Married?!” She took a drink to clear her throat, coughed one more time then looked back to Darcy again.
“To who?” Who was that desperate or freaky. “Why did he want to pick your brain?” She had so many questions.
Darcy was surprised that she managed to know something Bobbi didn’t. “Valkyrie,” she said. She hadn’t spent any time with the woman, so she couldn’t say what might compel her to marry the god of mischief.
“And I’m not entirely sure,” she admitted. “I think he was trying to figure out why he would be into me. Which, you know, is fair because I’ve wondered why the previous mes were into him.”
She shrugged. “He wasn’t so bad, but I still can’t imagine dating him.” They were going to try to be friends though.
Bobbi was a little pissed at herself that she didn’t know this. Fury would have a fit. This was something she definitely needed to know. Loki was a person of interest. His actions should be followed. Sure, she’d heard he wasn’t the douche he’d been back home, but he still needed to be watched in case of any chaotic backsliding.
“Do you think it’s legit?” she asked, suddenly more sober. “He’s not bibbity bobbity boinking this girl?”
“Honestly? Yeah, I do,” Darcy said. “When he came over to my place he was… almost normal.” Aside from the whole just magicking himself inside without warning, at least. “We had a decent conversation and I really got the impression that he regretted a lot of what he did.”
She wouldn’t say she was defending him, not by any stretch, but she didn’t think he was as bad as he used to be.
Mental note: Pester Fury. RE: The future Mrs. Trickster.
“Normal is subjective,” Bobbi said in a tone that was almost a complaint. She wrinkled her nose as a smirk returned to her face and a long drink of beer got her back on the theme of the night. “And most of the time, boring.”
Another drink was tossed back. This had gotten way too heavy and serious in her opinion. They needed to get things going. “Ok. Harmless pranks that won’t cost too much money but still be fucking hilarious and go.” The earthquakes, the weddings, people needed to be reminded how to smile without being simpering dorks.
Ooh, that was a great question. And definitely a better topic of conversation for their drinking night.
“Hmm,” Darcy took a long drink of her beer as she considered. “Reprogramming everyone’s ring tones to ridiculous songs would be fun.” She was trying to think of inappropriate songs that would suit each of them.
Bobbi grinned. The technology either of them had access to could manage that easily. “I like it! Ok, who’s our targets? Certain people have to be off limits. Pepper. She’s got enough to handle between a five year old and Tony. Drax has no sense of humor so he wouldn’t get the joke.”
Those were the only two she could think of. Everyone else was fair game. “Oh!” she held up a finger. “Not each other.”
Darcy grinned. “That seems fair. Fury and Coulson are good targets.” It was always fun to mess with the uptight ones. “Oh, and I have a great idea for T’Challa.”
No, she wasn’t going to share. “Probably not Jane,” she added. “I mean, she’s doing a lot better now healthwise, but still.” She didn’t think her best friend would appreciate the joke either.
Bobbi could agree to leave Jane off the list of their targets so she nodded after putting down a shot of whisky. “Bruce! It’s Not Easy Being Green.” She smirked. “Or is that too obvious?”
“For Stark we totally have to Rick Roll his ass.” For all she knew Tony might think it was hilarious and keep the ring. Then she began to giggle. “It’s Magic by The Cars for Doc Strange.” Ok this was going to be fun.
“Oh, those are great suggestions,” Darcy said with a laugh. “I love it. How about “Private Eyes” for Fury?” Unless that was too mean. Nah, it would be funny. At least for Darcy and Bobbi. Fury probably wouldn’t appreciate it though.
She thought for a moment. “Or we could do Magic Man by Heart for Strange. Lots of options there.”
“Better!” Bobbi laughed. The sound drew attention from some scumming looking guy behind Darcy. Bobbi’s expression went scary flat. “What’re you looking at?” The guy just shook his head as he abandoned his barstool. One down. At this rate they’d have the whole bar.
“Reveille for Rogers.” She picked up right where she’d left off. “It’ll make him jump out of his skin.” They should probably find a safe house after this prank. “Eye of the Tiger for Barton.”
This was way too much fun. “Secret Agent Man would probably be a little too on the nose for Coulson, huh?” Darcy said. “What about Quill? OH! And we need something appropriately wholesome for Parker.”
Did she know anything that fell into that category? Hmm, probably not.
“What about the Mission Impossible theme? Or Peter Gunn.” They would be opening themselves up for retaliation from Phil, but damn it. There hadn’t been a decent one up game between Agents in forever.
“Quill?” Bobbi got a grin on her face that should definitely not be trusted. “Baby Shark.” That was evil. And awesome. “I don’t know anything wholesome. Do you?”
Darcy couldn’t think of anything wholesome. “Not off the top of my head,” she said. “I’m sure google will help though.” There had to be something that would work. “Or we could go opposite and do something really dirty, like… Sex & Candy or Closer.”
That might be too mean though. Maybe.
Bobbi clapped her hands together then pointed at Darcy before declaring, “Relax! Franky Goes to Hollywood!” She burst out laughing. “It’s catchy and easy to sing. No way he’d know what it was really about!”
That was hilarious and maybe a little mean, but Darcy was into it. “Excellent,” she said. “So we need to get a list together and then we can coordinate when to strike.” It was like they were planning a mission. A mischief mission.
Huh. Maybe there was something to the idea of her dating Loki.