Steve Rogers is (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _shieldless_) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} avengers_logs,@ 2019-05-26 16:08:00 |
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What: Not exactly apologizing
When: Not long after the dreams
Where: Sam's
Warnings: Spoilerific
The dreams had affected everyone somehow. Mostly it was sadness mixed in with an exhausted relief. Steve had his happy ending at the expense of leaving his best friend again. The loss of Tony cut deep. Not just for Steve, but his heart went out to Pepper and Morgan. They didn’t deserve that. None of them deserved the losses they took. Nat had deserved better. All of it had been part of the reason he did what he did. But it had been just a dream, even if it had left them all with feeling like it had been something they went through just yesterday.
There had been one thing from the dream that had made Steve smile a little, an action he was certain hadn’t been appreciated much at the time. He needed to talk to Sam. Instead of reaching out, Steve just went to Sam’s apartment and knocked.
Sam had a lot of mixed feelings about his most recent dreams. Knowing that Nat sacrificed herself to bring them back was a lot to bear despite being relieved that he and the others had been restored to life. And then there was Steve. He was happy his friend got to live a full life, presumably with Peggy, but having the shield handed off to him was huge and he wasn’t entirely sure he was deserving of it.
And he didn’t know what to make of the fact that Bucky seemed to have known what was going to happen before it happened. He knew he was going to need to talk to Steve sooner rather than later, but he wasn’t sure what to even say. When someone knocked on his door, he wasn’t all that surprised to find Steve standing there.
“Cap,” he said, stepping back so Steve could enter the apartment. “Should have been expecting you.”
“Hey Sam.” Steve had that We Need to Talk smile on his face as he stepped inside. “How you doing?” They were getting ready to go after the weapons and put a stop to all that. He wanted to talk to Sam before they all went their separate ways. Not that he didn’t trust Sif to watch Sam’s back, or Sam’s capability to take care of himself, but accidents happen.
“How you doing with those dreams?” He watched Sam closely. They were good friends. He’d like it to stay that way.
Subtle was not in the top ten, hell, it wasn’t in the top fifty words that anyone would use to describe Steve Rogers, so it was immediately obvious what he was really asking about. “Some of them have been better than others,” he said.
“Want something to drink?” he offered. “I’ve got water, beer, and iced tea. Or I can put on a pot of coffee.” There was no doubt that this would not be a quick conversation.
Steve wasn’t good at certain social techniques so he didn’t even try.. He saw it as a form of deception anyway. It was a disservice to whoever it was he talking to, but especially his friends. Sam deserved better than Steve trying to dance the steps to etiquette.
“Water, please.” He followed Sam toward the kitchen. “So how mad at me are you?” No sense wasting time to make sure they were on the same page. They already were.
“I’m not mad at all,” Sam said, grabbing two bottles of water from the fridge and handing one to Steve. “I’m confused. A little hurt. But not mad.”
He would never begrudge Steve the happy ending he deserved. He just wished he’d been clued in about the plan and given a bit more input into his part in it.
Hurt? Ugh. That was the last thing Steve wanted to do to his friends. That regret showed on Steve’s face easily. “I’m sorry,” he offered. A brief sigh came from him as he put his hands into his pants pockets, a sure sign of Steve feeling uncomfortable.
“I kind of understand why I did what I did, and why I only told one person what I was going to do.” He leaned against a wall feeling as if he’d been called to the carpet. “There was never anyone else I’d want to carry the shield.”
Seeing Steve’s reaction made Sam feel bad. “Let’s go sit down,” he said, heading back out into the living room.
“I completely understand your decision to stay,” Sam said. “I just wish I had known what you were going to do.” Of course, had he known Steve’s plan, he might have argued against having the shield passed on to him.
So maybe he did understand why Steve hadn’t told him. “I’m not sure I deserve your faith in me.”
Steve’s smile was a bit sheepish for being called out. He should be used to that by now. And yet. He followed Sam in silence until they both sat. “I know,” he said apologetically. “And I’m sorry you were thrown for a loop. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you. I couldn’t be sure you wouldn’t just run for the hills after I disappeared from the platform.”
Now that they were onto his reasoning Steve felt a bit more confident. He leaned forward to place his elbows on his knees as he looked solidly at Sam. “Sam, what do you think it means to take on carrying the shield?”
The question caught Sam off guard and he opened his water bottle, taking a long drink, to buy himself a few extra seconds before answering it.
“Defending truth, justice, and the American way,” he said, his tone a little glib, but he didn’t really have a good answer. The shield was so much a part of Steve that he wasn’t sure if he could really articulate why it felt wrong to be the one carrying it. “I dunno, man, you’re a leader. You inspire people.” Sam wasn’t sure he felt the same about himself.
“And you don’t think you do?” Steve lifted his brows at Sam. “What you described sounds very much like any soldier in the armed forces. You’ve already done that,” he said with a nod toward his friend. “You continue to do it as Falcon, and you’re as much a leader as I am. Remember, I heard you talking to those vets. You inspire them so give yourself some credit.”
“It just feels like a big responsibility,” Sam said. “Captain America is a legend. Those are some big shoes to fill. And I don’t have the benefit of the super serum to help me out.” In that respect, Sam was a little surprised that Steve hadn’t handed off the shield to Bucky. He was also surprised that Bucky seemed to know Steve’s plans and, more oddly, approve of them. Sam hadn’t expected that.
Steve hated that everyone seemed to think that being Captain America was all about being the super soldier. They all missed the point. He smiled in fond memory of Dr. Erskine as he was about to quote him at Sam.
“A very wise man once told me that it isn’t about power or being a perfect soldier, but about knowing the value of strength and compassion.” He could almost feel that old man smirking at him. “Trust me. You have what it takes because you aren’t the perfect soldier. You’re a good man.”
Sam was grateful for his darker skin, assuming it would hide the rush of warmth he felt in his cheeks at Steve’s compliment. “I hope you’re right,” he said. “I’d hate to disappoint you.” Not to mention disappointing the rest of the team. Or the world.
“At least I don’t have to worry about it while we’re here,” he said. At least he assumed he didn’t. There was no reason for Steve to hand over the shield right now.
“You just worry about disappointing yourself,” Steve suggested. “The rest will fall in line if you do that.” It had been something Steve believed strongly in even before he’d been chosen for the experiment.
A good natured smile came to his face as he chuckled. “I might be a hundred years old, but I’m not wrinkly and ready to retire so no. I’m keeping the shield. I just didn’t want things to be weird between us.”
After everything they’d been through, it would take a lot more than that to make things weird between them. Sam grinned at Steve’s remark. “At least tell me you named a kid after me,” he joked. “Or will.” Either way would be good with him.
Steve grinned. He hadn’t told Sam anything at the time they exchanged the shield. He wasn’t about to tell him anything now. Mainly because he was still trying to wrap his head around it. “How about I tell you that I’m going to ask Peg to marry me here?”
Sam’s eyes got wide. “Seriously, man? That’s awesome. You two deserve to be happy.” He was glad that being here gave his friends a second chance. Tony and Pepper also deserved to be happy. As did Natasha. The dreams of those losses was painful and he couldn’t imagine how they were coping.
Steve definitely got some color to his cheeks as he grinned like a little boy who just had his first kiss. “Thanks. We are, and she doesn’t know, and I’m going to wait until after Tony and Pepper’s wedding to ask her.” He didn’t want to take any attention away from them, and as Tony indelicately put it, his engagement would make the news.
“Could use you are one of my best men,” he said, his brow quirking up.
Waiting until after Tony and Pepper’s wedding made sense. “Man, you don’t even have to ask,” Sam said, clapping his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “I wouldn’t miss it. You need help ring shopping too?”
He wasn’t an expert or anything, but he was willing to go hang out at some jewelry stores with Steve.
Steve’s smile was stupidly happy. He hoped Sam continued to have that attitude when he learned he’d be sharing best man duties with Bucky. That detail could come later.
“Tony’s taking me shopping for a ring.” Steve smirked. “I made it clear I can’t afford his taste in things. What I need you for is picking out a tux.” He nodded emphatically. “You have the best taste in clothes in all the people I know.”
Sam assumed that he’d be sharing the duties with Bucky. He couldn’t imagine who else Steve would ask. They could get along for his sake. Probably.
“I’m hardly a fashionista, but I can take on that duty,” he said. “You don’t want to get married in the suit?”
The bland look Steve gave Sam was dryer than the Salt Flats. “Not only would I be uncomfortable, but I’m pretty sure Peg would kill me.”
“All right, all right, we’ll find you a great tux,” Sam said. Maybe he’d look for a red, white, and blue bowtie or something to go with it. He didn’t think Peggy would object to that.