InsaneJournal

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Who: Jane and Loki
What: Questions
When: during Jane's hospitalization
Rating: Green

When Thor was gathering some things from home for a longer stay, Loki made his way under the cover of night to the healing house known as Columbia Medical Center. He used ley lines for path points, and used various disguises, careful as always not to leave the safety of the warehouse without a disguise.

Once inside the hospital, Loki located Jane's floor and adopted the guise of a nurse in that ward. When she turned a corner to leave for a scheduled respite, he silently slipped through the ajar door into the dimly lit room, without anyone giving him a second glance.

Once inside, he closed the door without a sound, dropping the illusion and casting a spell to silence his voice to all but Jane, as well as throwing a spell of invisibility around himself. Both were precautions in the event any outsiders walked in while they were speaking. According to most mages, it is always better to be cautious than caught off guard.

He was not, however, prepared to see Jane in such a state. She looked frail as a bird without the strength to take flight anymore, bolstered by plastic tubes and rudimentary machines. Loki stared solemnly at this tiny mortal woman that his mother gave her life to protect. Were they too late? He wasn't certain. His hours as of late were whiled away with a plethora of tasks to complete. He rebuilt a Soul Forge from nothing more than Eir's memories, and he was traveling many secret paths across Yggdrasil to gather herbs to help make potions. There were elder meetings, funds and larders to balance, and spending his nights with the Valkyrie...

The fact was that he didn't cross paths too often with Jane, much less with anyone else outside of the Asgardians. Once he sent a book to her. But that was without intruding in their space, a simple casting of magic to transpose the object. He got the sense that she was perpetually annoyed with him, as were many others, and so it was easier to avoid than aggravate. That was one of the few truths he learned well while growing up in Asgard.

Regardless, seeing her like this was a shock.

He cleared his throat a little to get her attention, saying in a softened tone, "Lady Jane, I apologize if I'm interrupting. I've arrived as requested."

It wasn’t that Loki annoyed Jane. Well, not exactly. There were times when he and Darcy had been dating when Jane would have been perfectly happy to punt Loki off the nearest skyscraper. Most of the time, Jane didn’t know what to do with him. He and Thor were getting along and it was true Thor wouldn’t have been able to handle the past several weeks without his help (while hopefully not creating a power imbalance that would be impossible to pry him out of in the process). Loki seemed to have forgotten that he hadn’t only faked his death on Svartalfheim in front of Thor but in front of Jane as well. And Jane had been the one to see the way Thor’s grief for both his mother and his brother weighed on him. Loki’s debt to her was negligible compared to the one he owed Thor but Jane’s perspective on him was colored by that event. Loki had skipped to forgiven without quite apologizing. Considering he had blown up her town before trying to conquer her planet, Jane didn’t look at him with mistrust. She just had no idea what to do with him. Suspecting he expected her to occupy the same social sphere his mother had didn’t help put Jane at ease either.

Jane shook herself out of her doze. “Thanks. I’ve been talking to Thor. He told me about the soul forge and about the apple. I have questions and Thor loves me. He wants me to be happy and to be okay. I think if I want to hear about the practicalities, I need to hear about them from you.”

There was much that Jane didn't realize. Loki's natural tendency to hide - even in plain sight - certainly didn't help matters.

The brothers spent nine months coming to terms. That included bickering, a roasted chicken slapped onto the floor, a punch to the face, a stabbing in retaliation, a few hugs, and a lot of pancakes. He apologized to his mother, last June. Thanks to his family and the Valkyrie, he was getting back to a relative normal again and finally felt like his skills were appreciated.

As for 'power imbalances'^[1], the only additional request was to take meeting notes, so the king's time could be spent with his ailing love. All decisions were Thor's. Otherwise, Asgard's Prince saw to his routine daily tasks. While he could negotiate treaties with aplomb, Asgard had nothing to offer that wouldn't be a strategic disadvantage. So he kept records. He coordinated stocking the food larders with the royal housekeeper, Lady Agatha. He kept the Valkyrie from killing Lady Agatha. He gathered herbs and kept track of rebuilding supplies. He was rewriting lost tomes from memory and fixing salvaged relics. He kept busy.

Even as he calmly watched Jane, some matters weighed heavily on him. The real motivation for the attack on New York was a snarl of murky memories. And seeing Jane dealing with the aftermath of the Aether dredged up memories of losing his mother, of Svartalvheim. That monster was no illusion. It was trying to smash Thor's head into a pulp. The death was fake - shapeshifting helped - but the pain was real.

Did he take advantage of the situation? Absolutely. He had several bones to pick with Odin at the time, and couldn't do that from the dungeons. And yet, in both instances of his demise (fact or fake), he still meant to keep Thor from grievous harm. He knew his faked death hurt Thor, and they seemed to work past that.

Now, having his neck crushed? That was a horrible finality. If there was some wily plan to cheat his way out of death in the other universe...Loki wasn't aware of it.

Ultimately, what he was aware of, was Asgard's precarious position. A crucial step toward stability was reassuring continuity through marriage and an heir. Mending her should be simple now, without the trial for an apple involved. But after seeing her, Loki could understand why Jane did not want to be Walking To Remember. Or whatever that horror movie was...

"Indeed, my brother's affection for you has ever been apparent," Loki replied, clasping his hands together. "The Soul Forge is complete and Eir will scan you, if you wish it. Based on that, we can brew specialized potions and construct healing spells to help. So please, ask any questions and I will answer."

What Loki did was a mystery to Jane, beyond what came up in conversation with Thor. Asgardians might not be reserved but they were private and Thor didn’t exactly fill Jane in on his brother’s diary. These days there was even less time for conversation. Jane spent her own days travelling to and from treatments, recovering from the same, or sleeping. Good days were for working in the lab or those rare talks with Thor where they could still almost pretend everything was normal. Loki was far from her mind then.

“Are there side effects? How fast will it work? Will I have to continue my treatment?”

Someday, Loki would give Thor a mildly exasperated stare about not mentioning to the (maybe, possibly) future bride that they patched things over. In the meantime, down to business!

"There should be no side effects," said Loki, "for any doses and spells would be catered specifically to your body's composition."

Loki held out one hand and a small glass vial suddenly appeared in his palm. It contained a liquid that looked like burgundy wine, with an undulating golden glow moving within.

"This is a common Asgardian blood tonic," Loki told her. "Eir bid me bring this to show you the amount taken daily. A dose this small will not infringe on your healers' treatments, nor is it detectable. It dissipates quickly. It will cleanse the blood and purge infections, and allow your healer's medicines to work unimpeded."

Jane knew Loki and Thor were getting along. She didn’t know how much she trusted her boyfriend’s brother. Loki was complications in a shiny helmet. He was helping though and he had come when asked.

She tilted her head, looking at the vial curiously. “So it’s a booster.” At least there was no side effects. Jane didn’t think she could take any more. She was half dead from chemo already.

“Can I ask if it’s just for me? Curing cancer has kind of been on the Earth priority list for awhile. I don’t know how I can take something when there are people in this hospital just as sick or sicker and they have no chance.”

Asgardians in general should come with a warning label: results in various degrees of life altering complications, while wearing shiny ridiculous helmets.

"Yes, it is for you," replied Loki. "This is as you say, a booster, not a cure for cancer. Unfortunately, Asgard could not grant such boons to Midgard. We've never truly dealt such ailments before, so this is a learning experience through helping you. Such curative herbs come from other realms, and are incredibly rare. This one grows too slow and too sparse to help more than five Midgardians, at most. There would be none left for Asgardians in the future, if they need mend more swiftly from battle."

To obtain the main ingredient, Loki took several precarious secret paths to a far-flung moon in the realm of Alfheim. Once there, he scoured for slow growing weed that clung only to certain stones under certain conditions. He took only so much as he dared, in the hopes it would continue to grow afterward.

He tried to explain it in more of a positive light, "Midgard has its own scientific advances. As with each realm, they must be allowed to develop at their own pace, without outside intervention. It will happen, in time. I've read that Stark and Banner are working to heal you. I've no doubt they will do so and it will benefit as many. If you take the tonic, your body will weather any treatments. You will regain strength to freely continue your pursuits."

Positive light. But there was more than one way to look at things. “Sounds a lot like I get to live because I have powerful friends. Most people don’t have the Avengers trying to save them.” Jane didn’t expect Loki to understand. “They get sick and they die.”

She presumed he did not understand, but he discussed this and its meaning with a Darcy of before. Extensively.

And so Loki, ever the pragmatist, was focused on these fundamental facts:


1. Jane the mortal was dying.


2. Jane was going to be an Asgardian one day, and such mortal issues would be left behind her if she lived long enough.


3. Granting an apple bestowed a very long life and possible godlike capabilities, and no one did that without passing a trial prior to marriage or a managing a feat of heroics for Asgard.


4. She was too frail to even contemplate her managing either of those things, much less actually undertaking it in a physical sense. Thus, an apple was not going to happen and she needed intervention.

He could sense it would not be easy to steer Jane's deeply entrenched thoughts away from feeling guilty But there was precious little time for moral debates when a cure for her was in sight. Asgard could not offer anything to Midgard in such a regard. Not only was it long forbidden, but it wasn't even logistically feasible considering they couldn't gather that amount of herbs to make the tinctures. He believed there was a Midgardian phrase about asking the wrong parties being akin to barking up wrong trees?

He wasn't sure how they came to that conclusion but Midgard was an odd place.

"Perhaps you can discuss that with Stark and Banner," he said slowly, "although I doubt they would keep any breakthrough to themselves, or only for you. I suspect they will help others as well. But you will die very soon, if you do not accept aid from those who care about you."

He moved toward her, carefully taking her hand and putting the tiny vial in her palm, gently closing her fingers over it.

"Regardless what you think of me," he said, stepping away, "I know you make my brother happy. He lost much to Thanos and due to my own issues...that I've tried to come to terms with. For which, I am deeply sorry. I hope you consider using whatever is offered when you are ready. So that you may have a long life devoted to studying the stars, with Thor by your side."

That was the first time Jane had ever heard Loki apologize for anything. Maybe he was changing. She closed her fingers around the little vial, cradling her hand protectively against her chest.

“Thank you. That’s not the only thing I wanted to know.” This had less of a straightforward answer. Thor definitely would have been cagey or reassuring if she asked and Jane would have been no better off.

“Your dad once compared me to a goat and tried to throw me out of Asgard. Now Thor’s attention is divided and his time is spent taking care of me. How much is that a problem since he’s the king?”

Loki looked off to one side, drawing in a deep breath while thinking it over. These were things he knew but things that had no easy answer, and - if there were answers - they were hard ones. He tried so hard to please Odin for so long, and failed so miserably. He often wondered if Thor was happier with his friends than being burdened by such chores.

"The throne can be a solemn and serious duty," he replied, choosing his words carefully. "It requires much time and focus, and he is doing the best he can under trying circumstances. We are doing all we can to offer him aid and support. The Valkyrie and I have been seeing to many tasks. I believe....if you are on the mend, the king will be able to focus on more tasks with a clearer conscience."

Loki's brows knit together, and there was a slight frown before he added, "I meant no disrespect. You are blameless, for you had no control over this happening to you. This illness is not your fault."

“No but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences. If things are hard for him I feel responsible. And that’s not even getting to the other thing. If you’re giving me the potion, you know I’m not taking the apple. Not to fix this. I just..I can’t. Maybe in the future things might be different but not now.” It might sound crazy to another to reject an offer to save her life and near immortality at that but to Jane it felt like ransoming her own life, not saving it.

That was a lot of talking and Jane had to take a moment to rest and catch her breath before continuing. “But if I don’t die, you and I both know it’s only a matter of time until Thor proposes. There are things I need to know before I can think about that. Your people have been through a diaspora. They’ve lost a lot and they’re refugees far from home. How much is a marriage to a human going to be a problem?”

Loki keenly missed his mother at this moment, being at a loss as to how to proceed. He was known as the God of Lies, merely for living among those who were blunt to a point. Lying wasn't always for bad reasons. He would do so on the behalf of his brother or Thor's idiotic band of sycophants. He would lie to smooth over a tense situation, lie to divert attention, lie just to make things a little better...

Seeing Jane having a hard time talking, certainly complicated matters. He didn't want to cause her more pain. He wasn't feeling vindictive, irritated, or angry. Those were his three most common motivators for lying or lashing out at others.

He neared the bed and placed both hands on the railing, careful to avoid the tangle of tubes which connected her to machines.

"There are always further consequences," Loki said, in a low voice. "There is always some measure of guilt, or wishing to do things differently. I will say, it is more a problem for you than for the Asgardians to accept. We are distrustful of outsiders, but they would welcome you in time. With marriage, you would leave mortal affairs behind. You would no longer be a part of what happens in Midgard. Your friends will age where you will not. You would be expected to do things for Asgard's benefit, and to support your husband and King. Of course, you'd be allowed your own pursuits to study the universe, first-hand."

He let out a long sigh, looking at her not with pity but with a quiet solemnity.

"I'd hoped that marriage would stabilize things with my brother," he continued. "We know he would be happier with you by his side. I wanted the people to have a queen to look to. And yet, I know that you still have your own interests to pursue. That is what set myself and Darcy at odds. Our interests toward Asgard did not coincide. You must decide if they will coincide, between you and Thor. The expectation and the reality might need a longer bridge build betwixt the two.

"If you take Asgard's aide rather than a swift proposal? You will have time to choose to be Asgard's Queen. When you are both ready, and when you can finally pass a trial to Asgard's standards. You must seek aid from others. Without it, you will die. All of Stark and Banner's work will be for naught. If discouraged over your loss, others might never benefit. And my brother will mourn you. Without end."

Jane had never expected to be Queen of Asgard, never planned for it. Even before she and Thor’s breakup, it wasn’t a future she imagined. No matter how much Jane loved Thor, she always thought the differences in their lifespans irreconcilable eventually.

“I don’t want to die. I don’t want to do that to Thor. This isn’t the way I thought things were going to go. I guess I thought that one day I’d get old and when my time was up, Heimdall would tell Thor. He’d turn up one last time from whatever adventure he was on to say goodbye and maybe sit shiva. I wasn’t planning on, you know,” she waved a hand, the gesture highlighted by the IV tubing that moved with her, “being Queen of Asgard.”

Loki pressed his lips together and hummed thoughtfully, before the corners of his mouth turned up a little into an almost wistful expression.

"Ah," he said, with a note of regret, "that is likely different, compared to what Thor might be envisioning. Please, take any aid offered and give yourself the time to discuss it. To decide upon any future you might want to have together. There are always options, but you must remain alive to pursue them."

Jane nodded thoughtfully. “I’ll take the potion,” she said, “but I still have a couple questions. I’m a scientist. I need to understand the variables.” She wondered who could possibly relate to this conversation. This must be what Meghan Markle felt like, except with cancer. Do you know if Thor can still be king if we get married and I don’t take the apple? And if we do get married, with or without the apple, is there a provision for…” she searched for the right way to explain, “you guys understand I’m Jewish right?”

Loki smiled with relief when she said she would take the potion. Then he began to mull over matters very carefully, before offering any answers. She would grow old and die, but that was too obvious to state. Jane asked good questions, and he appreciated that she was always thinking about such things.

"If you wed on Midgardian terms, without the apple," he considered aloud, "it would complicate matters. By Asgardian standards, you would be a consort, afforded less courtesy and rank. Not treated rudely, mind you? But not treated as a Queen, certainly. Asgardian knowledge would not be freely shared, for you would be viewed as an outsider. Doing so would be viewed by many as a strategic disadvantage, particularly if we ever leave this realm behind. On a more positive note? You would be free to live your life as it is now. His affairs may likely lure him elsewhere again, but he will undoubtedly rush home to be with you. And any offspring of a king's consort can be named heir, if the king wishes it.

"As for your religion," Loki said, "my mother's lineage was once whispered to be tenuously linked to Vanaheim. I know she had her own beliefs and practices. I would advise you to practice your religion in your chambers as you wish. You not need hide what you are in conversation or action. Yet there would likely be no outward provisions made, such as a place of worship. You would be free to bring food in for your dietary restrictions, or make personal requests with any cooks."

Most of that was what Jane expected but Loki missed a crux of the question. For all his insight, sometimes Loki was very Asgardian. Jane would have to ask but her stomach twisted into cold dread at the words. “If I had a baby, either as queen or consort, would my children be allowed to practice my religion without consequences? Is Asgard ready for a half-human, Jewish heir?”

"That would remain to be seen. I believe, as long as your heir did not push such beliefs on their subjects, it would be tolerated."

After saying this, Loki winced a little. He knew what it was like to be viewed as not fitting with upheld standards. It pained him to think of how such any child of his would actually be received, to be looked upon as lowly half-breed monsters. And that's why it didn't occur to him. He tried to put children out of his mind as of late. Sure, it made a fine drama for theater, but it was sobering to contemplate as a reality.

"I will be clear," he admitted after a long moment of introspection, "It would only be that in the eyes of the Asgardian people. Tolerated. Things change slowly when memories last for thousands of years. Other changes are...sudden and inevitable. Even then, hardship is tolerated. Asgard moves on as a people. They defend what they hold dear. Thor is looked upon as their hero. I am certain that any son or daughter of yours would still be looked upon with favor, because of that."

He tilted his head and looked at her, quizzically. The concept of Midgardian racial and religious differences still seemed rather self-defeating to him. Not to mention a waste of time and effort, starting wars and blowing one another up. How did they ever get anything done, when their lives were so short already?

"I've a question for you," he asked, "purely out of personal curiosity. What if your child chooses not to practice your religion? Must children born to a parent holding religious beliefs adhere to this, or are they afforded a choice in the matter?"

Jane exhaled in relief. That wasn’t much but it was enough. She had no serious plans to have a child but knew that if Asgard would reject a Jewish child, what she had with Thor was doomed in the long term. For the first time, Jane thought about what children with Thor might look like. Jane knew instinctively that just like the reason her relationship with Thor worked when they were equal partners, she wanted any potential child she might have with Thor someday to be connected to Earth. Losing that bond felt like a submission to Asgardian superiority. These were the decisions that were going to influence the course of her life - so long as Jane lived long enough to make them.

“It depends on the family and the religion,” Jane told Loki. “In some families it’s mandatory. That usually follows with religions that have very firm beliefs about saving souls. I wouldn’t force my kid but I would like them to their bar or bat mitzvah, which is a ceremony about reaching adulthood at thirteen,” she explained. “But Judaism is also an ethnic group and a culture so they would still be Jewish even if they weren’t practicing the religion. Every family does things differently. Mine was pretty casual, temple on holy days kind of thing.”

Loki spent nearly a full minute absorbing this, blinking profusely, before he said, "Unfortunately, I know not where your souls go. The souls of Asgardians go to Valhalla, particularly those who die in noble combat or had fought bravely in their lives. It is a known place, and those who die and go to that great hall are rumored to be reborn again one day, through the cycles of Ragnarok. Another known place Helheim, which is a region within Niflheim. I've been there. Our sister's soul would have returned there, as it is her realm of influence. I'm relatively certain she's ruling it again."

Except less with the 'relatively certain' and more with the 'absolutely sure.' Out of sight, out of mind.

"However, I can show you safe part of Niflheim on a map, if you'd like. It's a grey and dreary place. If you stray into Hel, let's simply say that most mortals wouldn't survive the experience without going barking mad."

Jane stared for a moment “You know every time I think I’ve got this Asgardian thing handled, I find out you guys can still surprise me.” Her expression softened and she smiled. “Worrying about souls isn’t really our thing. We have a responsibility for justice and to protect the world we were given. The Torah doesn’t say a lot about what comes next.”

She settled deeper into her pillows, words seeming to come more slowly and eyes half closing. “I wouldn’t mind seeing Niflheim on a map. Or on a star chart That’d be… a thing to learn…”

Loki couldn't help but smile at that. He knew that Jane did need her rest, and trusted that when she was ready to use the contents of that vial, she would do so. There was more waiting for her arrival at the warehouse, where he was confident their healers would be able to help her further. As well as confident in both Banner and Stark's capabilities.

"Rest well, Jane Foster," he said, already moving toward the door to take his leave. "I'll look through my books for a map, and I will create the illusion of a star chart for you."

With the same amount of stealth he used to enter the room, Loki slipped back out the door both unseen and unheard.








Footnotes:

[1.] The actual</u> concern about power imbalances should be if Loki ever ran off to seize his rightful throne, where even that populace might outnumber the current number of Asgardians. He'd be carting along a thousand years of knowledge of memorized sorcery and science. He also has extensive knowledge of lore and relics, and how to use them. He knows how to find and travel the secret paths of Yggdrasil, both unseen and unheard...even from the likes of the "all-seeing" Heimdall.

Matters would be further complicated by him (or her, it's mutable) taking a brawl-happy Valkyrie for a bride, since they were burned by the golden sham before. They are currently there purely of their own volition, because Thor managed to set them both right again and took them under his wings during Asgard's final hour. Otherwise, the Valkyrie would have drunkenly stumbled off to another trash planet, and Loki would be back to swindling his way across the cosmos.

Luckily, there are other important issues to handle. Like making sure to take notes of the elder council bickering and rebuilding efforts. Keeping Valkyrie from killing the royal housekeeper, Lady Agatha. Seeing that everything's kept in anal retentive order (Don't touch his stuff! Seriously, it's all enchanted!). And that Jane's illness is taken care of...so he could get his brother married off. For reasons. Loki always has reasons. ;}