Since I have a feeling that your actual boyfriend is reading this I'll keep it short so that I don't cause a scene. You know how much I hate scenes. And I don't think that cad of a boyfriend of yours would appreciate me stealing you away like that. (Also, if he calls me a knave, we're good. We worked out our differences, you should ask him. Great story...loads of pirates.) But anyway, I couldn't very well just sit around and just let you not wake up without something to make you smile. So I searched HIGH and LOW just for YOU my dearest! His name is Ted and he's very self sufficient and in need of a good home. I told him that you'd be an excellent home to go to, and I think he is already digging the idea!
With unwavering devotion (and hopes that both you and yours are getting a good kick out of this),