Well... I think in many ways, people have their own coping mechanisms and sometimes they don't know any better than to do what they do.
The situation that you have with your meltdowns/retreats sound very familiar, and yes, what should be happening is that one needs to be removed from the situation ASAP because all of the stressors and triggers are there. Some people don't get it, some people do. If you're stressed, but not too stressed such that you are unable to talk but still able to retain the capability to write, perhaps writing would be good to convey your need to get out of the situation and calm down first.
And, frankly, 35 years is a long time to be on earth, and I would maintain that there are a load of things that could have been learnt if it is something that one is capable of learning. I typically go by the sentiment that if I am already incapable of doing it, having a diagnosis should not change anything.
And, if the people who're around me don't get it, I would try and remove as many of them as possible from my immediate vicinity, since it does not look like we're going to do each other good. That actually increases one's locus of control.