Ask Rose

I don't really know why I am writing you. Well, it's not something I can put in to words. There is this problem I am having and it's making it hard for me to think of little else.

My grandpa died two days ago and since then all I've felt is this sorta numbness. Other things have been happening that have made me angry, but that situation is temporarily resolved and now I'm no longer angry. Without that anger, I've got this hole inside me and it's starting to hurt. And when I think about it, that makes the pain more noticeable. I don't want to think about it any more but without something to distract me it keeps coming back in my mind. I believe this to be my grief.

My grandpa, I only knew him for like 15 years. We're not related but by marriage. See, he married my grandmother back in 95, but I was 12 then. I hadn't seen my other real grandpa in 4 years. He's dead too, been 9 years now. Thing is, I'm the only one whose been close to him in all my family.

We used to play checkers and collect coins. He played his violin for me on occasion. I miss that. It's been years since he could remember well enough to try.

He had Alzheimers Disease and cancer. It was in stage 4 before they even knew he had it. I didn't get the chance to see him one last time before he died. It wasn't really him because of the disease, I know, but still.

Dear Rose, I hate this. Last time I felt like this was when I thought my mother was dying. I've lost enough people in my life. When will it stop?

I have to go to the funeral in a few hours. I hope to have the strength to make it through the service with those people. They didn't love him, I did. You cannot love someone you do not know. I cared for him and I will miss him something terrible.

I still don't know why I am writing this, but I guess it's just something I needed to do.

Thank you for listening,
Writer