Haylie Collins will blow you away (startwithaspark) wrote in artofwar_rpg, @ 2011-07-03 17:47:00 |
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Current mood: | pissed off |
Entry tags: | †haylie collins; spitfire, ♦charles xavier; professor x |
Here you are, down on your knees again; trying to find air to breathe again...
Who: Haylie Collins and Professor Xavier
What: Something's wrong and Spitfire needs answers. Unfortunately, the answer is not the one she'd been hoping for.
When: May 31, 1963; after Mesmero and Xavier's chat
Where: Xavier's Office
Rating/Warnings: PG
Status: Closed; Complete
Vincent left Charles at the door to his office and headed off to find Lorna (apparently not difficult for him to do, as he was a bit tuned in to her through the bit of copper-based physiology).
It had been an interesting little chat, and Vincent had revealed a lot to him. He wondered how long Vincent would be able to stand in the middle before somebody DID kill him... or he decided to stand with Charles himself. It would please him to have Vincent with him, as opposed to standing between him and Erik. One day, Vincent would understand the protective impulse that made him take such difficult stances. Not today, of course. But when he did... he would truly be a force to be reckoned with.
---
"Hello, Haylie. I've been expecting you. Can you take this tray back to the kitchen, and then join me in my office?"
"Of course, Professor. I'll be right back." Haylie took the tray carefully, avoiding touching her mentor as she disappeared around the corner quickly and quietly. Haylie was back in a matter of minutes, the trip taking her less time than most of the others since she could fling herself over the railing of the stairs and land on the next floor down without so much as flinching. As unpleasant as her mutation was most days, the advanced durability and stamina it afforded her usually came in handy.
He picked out the cashier's check for $10 million dollars written to the Institute by Vincent. Despite his reputation Vincent was no welsher. With the check in hand, Charles smiled at the woman. "I know I've been inaccessible during this past month, but I am aware you need to discuss something with me, and am glad to try to help."
Pausing, Haylie blinked and was about to ask how he knew she needed to talk to him when it occurred to her that he was the one who was responsible for the psychic shields in her mind and that they'd long ago established a sort of link that meant she could reach him whenever she needed him. Fidgeting with the worn out leather gloves on her hands, she sighed and made sure the door to the office was closed before saying anything. She knew that Xavier could just as easily figure it out by navigating her mind, but there had been an unspoken agreement that he would respect her privacy unless it endangered others. Which meant she actually had to say it. Out loud.
"Somethin's wrong. With... with me."
He put the check away, and looked straight at Haylie. She had done very well here, and now, she needed help. That was a primary concern. "That much I am aware of, my dear. Please take a seat and relax, and decide how you want to address it. I am not reading your mind, just... everybody leaks a bit, and I use that to keep track of who is worried, and who needs attention. You were on my list. Our new fellow, Kurt, would be next. Did you know Scott tricked him into wanting to raise piglets? Just to keep him a bit busy to reduce his... antics? In any event, I am sure he will come to me to ask permission, and he just needs reassurances and a chance to talk. I gather that your concern is far more serious than that of our young trickster?"
Gaze flitting from the chair to Xavier and back, Haylie seemed to debate it for a moment until deciding that it would be best if she sat down -- if only to keep her from pacing across the room. Once she was seated and informed of Kurt's antics with the piglets, she tried to contain the smile tugging at her lips. Really, it was hilarious, but she was more restrained than the rest of the group - mainly out of necessity. So she'd laugh about it later. Much later. "Uh, no, it's nothin' t'do with Kurt."
I just hope that he listened and found the poor thing before Wade did.
The thought slipped past her blocks as she shook her head and shifted in her seat, slowly tugging off her trademark gloves. The holes in the fingertips and palms were more pronounced than usual, and as if to illustrate her point, she laid the pair down on the desk for Xavier to see. "...I- I don't know what's happenin', Professor. It's the third pair this month, and-- and I'm on my fifth discharge this week."
Normally, she discharged once a week - maybe twice, and went through one pair of gloves every month. The look in her eyes was one of well-concealed fear, confusion, and panic. This wasn't normal, and it felt like none of her usual methods were enough to keep the others safe. In her years at the school, she'd had the occasional trouble with control, but at the end of the day it was fine. This, however, wasn't.
"What's wrong with me?"
Charles took the gloves and examined them, then gave them back to her. "Loss of control could be caused by many things, from physical changes, to emotional ones, to changes in the way you think about your abilities. I know you and Scott went to the other end of the property, past the farm, and tried some things, for the Action team. Perhaps it is as simple as your mutant abilities being stressed instead of absolute control. That would be called 'growing pains'. Have you considered that you need as much control, and perhaps similar control, when actually trying to use your abilities in offense and defense, as you do when you are trying to suppress them?"
"What defense?" The snipe shot out before she could stop herself, and she flinched visibly as she shot Xavier an apologetic look. She didn't mean to snap at her mentor, but she was afraid. "I-- I blow sh-- stuff up. Or the shockwaves just rip right through things. People. Trees. There's nothin' defensive about it." Which to her was true. Haylie only knew how to use her mutation in an offensive capacity, or in a way to keep the energy from building up. And even then, her accuracy and control while using them needed work. Unfortunately, she'd been far too terrified to even attempt working on it, for fear of hurting the others.
He waited to hear what she had to say, and then smiled. "When I was a bit younger than you are, I had many problems with my telepathy. For a time, I was unable to keep out of others' minds at all, and I know far more than a teenager should know about his mother, or what the household servants thought of him. Later, I would be angry, and my thoughts would lash out, make people ill or frightened. I feared I would have to leave, and seclude myself from others, forever. Would you like to know what I chose to do?"
The story seemed to hit home for Haylie and she looked down, fingers curling into fists while she dealt with the sudden flux of energy thrumming in her hands and she had to calm her breathing. Letting her walls down so she was practically projecting, she let the Professor into the chaos of her mind. Fear, panic, anxiety, concern swirled with the memories of her powers manifesting all those years ago, killing that man, stuck on a gritty, black and white replay and shifting into a world of 'what ifs' that she'd spent many months running from. The school in ruins, bodies strewn about, her family dead, Wade blowing up, Xavier himself trying to help her and being ripped to shreds because she couldn't control herself.
Charles grinned at her, and his eyes gleamed with merriment. "Aside from Wade blowing up, all that chaos and doom would take something more than a mere failure of YOUR control, Haylie. You would never let those things happen, and you have proven that in your years here. Yes, the fears are very real. And so are your concerns. Your concerns have made you a far more agile healer than an effective use of your abilities. That's not a failing. But now, you must learn how to channel those fears into strengths. I believe in you, in your capacity to do that. So does Scott, despite what happened to him when the two of your made your first effort. He laughed it off, because, after listening to you worrying about it, he thought you did rather well. So do I."
At first, she gaped at Xavier like he’d lost his mind, mainly because his expression was hardly anything she’d expected from him -- from Wade, yes, but not the Professor.. “How? How am I supposed to channel the fear and not hurt anyone? There’s no way I can do both. Especially right now, when I can barely control the energy at the best of times. You know that if I get emotional...” Perhaps the biggest reason Xavier had to set up mental blocks for Haylie was because upon her arrival, she’d nearly destroyed the entire East Wing during an emotional flashback. Not to mention that should any other psychics go poking around inside of her head, it could be catastrophic for all.
This was going to be one of those things that he might end up regretting, he knew that from the beginning. "Yes, I did set blocks. However, when you virtually led parts of the mission to rescue Scott, and when you accompanied me on the mission to bring Ororo here, I began, carefully, to restructure and remove the blocks. There are very few of them left. If I had not been focused on other things of late, I would have been monitoring that more carefully. With Scott pressing you to use your abilities, you have become confused because there were no barriers where you might have been expecting them. I believe you have burnt through your gloves because you did not realize you are not heavily blocked. Now you know." He let her digest that for just a moment. "You HAVE been doing both, quite successfully, for two years. One of my mistakes, so I have been told, is that I often wait to be perfectly sure before telling my students how successful they are."
When it registered that he’d removed almost all of the blocks on her powers, Haylie felt her heart stop and suddenly she was flooded with anger before she could stop herself. "You did what?!"
The chair screeched against the floor as it shot back from her when she jumped to her feet. The sudden burst of energy from her hands cut up the finish on the wood, along with the fabric of the seat, making it appear as if she'd slashed away at the piece of furniture with a knife. Haylie rarely if ever raised her voice, let alone to the Professor himself, but this was serious. He not only unblocked a large chunk of her power, but he didn’t tell her until now, when she'd spent the better part of a week isolating herself and panicking because she was scared that she would kill someone. Part of her felt betrayed, because she trusted Xavier and that hadn't come easily, and maybe later once she was capable of thinking like a rational human being, she'd thank him. But for now? She was enraged.
"What the hell were you thinkin'?! Do you even know what could happen? How close I've come to hurtin' someone? You're tellin' me I've been having panic attacks all because you decided to just quit blockin' my power and makin' me go cold turkey?! And you-- you didn't think it might've been relevant to - oh, y'know - maybe warn me?! Professor, I could've killed someone!"
Well, he had expected something like this, and he deserved it. And if she was going to throw a tantrum, it may as well be here. Things could be repaired or replaced. He waited for her to finish, though she clearly was not precisely finished with this. "You were not going 'cold turkey'. You know that your abilities are tied to your emotionality. By blocking your mutant abilities, I had to block your emotional development, too. I finally realized that you were going to need to be able to relate to others fully if you were to advance your control of your gifts. At any stage where you may have looked as though you were going to fail in this, I would have spoken with you about it, and asked permission to put some of the blocks back up."
He rolled his chair around the desk and over to her. "You have to realize, there is no play book for what I do. I have to learn as I go, too. I was not going to stunt your emotional maturity to any degree that was going to slow your growth, if it was avoidable to do so. TELLING you that was what I was doing, would surely have made you feel worse, and probably worsened your self image and your control. Do you understand why I did not want to do that? You are a beautiful young woman who has a deep emotional core, and who cares for others. I could block that, or I could focus on allowing you to mature, to be the full person you needed to be, and are, now."
He stopped just a foot or so away from her. "I never quit caring for you. But telling you what I was doing would have locked you back into the fear. Even now, you can recognize that you never really hurt anybody. I never had to intervene. YOU did that. Now, the stress of learning how to fight is doing to you what it does to so many young people. I could take away the capacity for you to cope with that, or I can counsel you through it. I think, when you are less angry, you will know which choice is the right one. And yes, you will need to 'blow it off' in a short while. But you can control that. You are far stronger and more capable than you were when you first came here. Have faith in yourself. I do. You have been challenged, and you are winning the challenge."
"You should know, I am sometimes frozen in indecision. I have responsibilities with all of you. And every time I use my telepathy, I have to ask myself, am I right? Is this moral? Will I hurt somebody? And sometimes, I choose between the hurts. I am sorry I hurt you. But I am sure you are becoming better through meeting these, your challenges to yourself. I could never hope to do that for you!" He rarely cried, but the tears were in his eyes now. "No matter how angry and hurt you are, you should know, I am very proud of you." He reached his hand up toward hers.
Suddenly, it all made sense now. Why it felt like she was so damn emotional lately; so afraid, and broken, and hurt. By removing the blocks, Xavier was reminding her what it was like to feel something again and it was so unfamiliar to her that she didn't know how to handle it. And while deep down she knew everything he said to her was right? It was buried underneath the flux of anger and all of that emotion that she had to learn to deal with all over again. And the tears in Xavier's eyes weren't helping her at all.
Tears filled in her own eyes and she reached out to touch his hand. The moment her fingers brushed the palm of his hand she whipped it back as if she'd been burned. "I-- I can't--" Spinning on her heel before he could respond, Haylie ripped the door open and bolted out of his office in a beeline for the Danger Room.
The only outward signs left that showed she was barely containing her power came in the form of the hinges bent from the force of her pull, along with the half-melted doorknob hanging from the wood.
Charles wiped his eyes as his mind followed her down, knowing she was going to make it to the Danger Room in time. He rolled to his desk and surveyed the damage, and shrugged. Then he felt the slight tremors when Haylie let go. He had become sensitive to such things, sensitive to all the young people here. Family. "Ah, Haylie." As he worked he smiled.