To be planning anything, but their survival and the survival of the others should be impossible, but here, it was a possible reality. Christmas, a holiday not celebrated in their world for quite some time or, at least, not to the extent in which it had been prior to the nuclear wipe out of Earth. Objects and gifting them to others, feast of food and desserts, was just improbable back on the Arc. The supplies and the resources were not there for anyone. People did not have much and giving it to someone else was the last thing on most of their minds. For sacrificing what they had could be sacrificing themselves or their family. Most of Clarke's experience with the holiday was through old movies, tapped shows, and books. Part religion, part pure selfish intention, Clarke wasn't sure what to think of the holiday. One one hand, all she observed depicted happiness. Smiles. Joy. A strange concept to her was watching the ripping and shredding of colorful paper followed by the revelation of a toy, clothes, or some electronic item, the most coveted of the day and time. She assumed here, and from observation in the stores present, electronics held a prominent place too. On the other, she'd seen rage, crazed, frenzied people knocking over others, fighting, for...things. Like animals. Barbarian. It was rather disturbing to watch the former tradition known as 'Black Friday'. Gratefully, Clarke's arrival here was after the day after Thanksgiving, another holiday no longer as meaningful as it had been, and she'd missed witnessing the insanity of Black Friday in person.
Yet, she had a curiosity for the glowing lights, the tree, and ornaments hanging from thee branches. The crackling of a fire in the background, the smell of baking, cooking-she hadn't smelled it ever, but she could imagine and she knew it had to smell delicious-and the warmth, the comfort of being around those who cared for you most and whom you cared for too. Would Bellamy buy into it and experience it with her? There were a million reasons for him to refuse. Among the most obvious, her betrayal and leaving him to face the consequences of their actions by himself, there was the need to find a way back home despite being told it was impossible. Of reuniting with those left behind, his sister and her mother, their friends. Would he see engaging in this celebration as giving up for them? "But I forgive you." The blond's breath caught in her throat. It was not something she expected, not so quickly, especially from Bellamy, but more shocking, the reaction. As if the whole world was caving in on her, crushing, shrinking, suffocating, and their was panic, brief, but real. The words were meaningful, but the way they sent her spiraling was unfamiliar, foreign to her senses. No, not entirely unfamiliar. She'd felt them once before, leading to something wondrous. Amazing. And then pain. More pain than any physical wound she'd ever known. The panic, the fear, was a natural response to it despite the source it now sprung from.
"We saved them and that is all that matters, but I was selfish. No matter how much pain I was in, how scared, I should never have walked away from you and left you to face everything alone," she replied quietly. Her own mistrust was misplaced; Bellamy was the last person she should have believed would leave her. After all, he had steadied her hand on the lever, sacrificed as readily as she did except, she realized then, he'd sacrificed for her. An overwhelming realization on top of completing genocide? Lexa's betrayal? It was a lot; Clarke had trusted Lexa and, like Finn, she'd hurt her. Yet, she took it all out on the wrong person; Bellamy was in her corner through all of it. It wasn't his fault that Lexa betrayed them all, severing Clarke's fragile trust all over again.
Clarke swallowed, feeling his eyes upon her, studying her curiously. The blond looked up, startled to find an expression some what softened. An expression that reminded her of the moment she walked away from him. "I walked away from the wrong person, Bellamy," she admitted. Would he pick up on the message within those words? "I should have let you. Bellamy, it was not that I did not realize it. It's because I knew it-I was scared."