Perhaps her greatest downfall, but also her greatest trait. Clarke couldn't face things head on. Or so she thought. Then, with Bellamy's hand upon her own, she'd sentenced many, many people to death from Mount Weather. Exposure. Most of them were innocent, they had no idea what was coming, the toxic air, until the alarms screamed out, deafening, and then the panic set in, washing over them in a cold, icy wave. Screams, cries, but it was in vain. A breath and they would be dead, pain, agonizing, slow, and then darkness. Clarke's closest encounter with death (which one?) was the Grounder warfare spread among them. Blood seeping from her eyes, Clarke knew they would recover, but the pain, the agony, no that was real and she would never forget it. Perhaps worse, no, worse, was watching those she cared for, those she'd do anything for, fall under the spell of such a thick plume of poison. There was no doubt in her mind that parents, lovers, friends, felt the same, the overwhelming sense of helplessness. Of impending loss. The last Clarke knew all too well. Awaiting her father's floating, death, she could never prepare herself for that moment. The last embrace. The watch strapped to her wrist was all she had left of the man that had inspired her since birth. The man her mother, the woman that gave birth to her, helped to destroy. She'd promised herself that she would never allow anyone to feel that way again. She refused to feel that way again.
Yet, before Area 53, she'd done such a thing. She'd taken a life. No Clarke took lives. This was not Atom, silent, in the woods, Bellamy's eyes the only weight upon her shoulders, because she'd done something that he couldn't. Because Atom begged for the end. These people didn't want to die and in that moment, she'd played God. Chosen that others were worth less than the ones that she believed worthy. No, Clarke never wanted such a choice upon her. She'd gone in with the belief that perhaps, they wouldn't be alone. Lexa wouldn't abandon her, but she'd made a choice for her people and thus Clarke had no choice, but to do the same. Desperate measures. And she ran. She'd pleaded with Bellamy to stay despite shooting Jaha, but when he needed her most? She'd planted a kiss on his cheek and walked the other way. Solitude. It was what she believed she deserved, but even now, making her way to their shared living room, she knew it was wrong.
He needed her as she needed him then, but she betrayed him. What could she do? Selfish. It was a moment she was selfish and when you're a leader you can't be selfish, but Clarke felt ashamed. Would anyone accept her after that? Yes, her mother betrayed her father, but Clarke was not Abby. She felt and her emotions, her feelings were often overwhelming, consuming. The others. They had so much faith in her. A deep breath and she stepped into the room; a courtroom of sort and Bellamy was her judge. She swallowed, an added deep breath, and she was there. Bellamy was seated on the sofa, tense, and how could Clarke possibly blame him. She found an empty seat on the edge of the chair. "Hey."