Reyna (reynaway) wrote in apokolips_now, @ 2012-10-25 20:08:00 |
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Entry tags: | jason grace, reyna |
Who: Reyna reynaway and Jason Grace oursavinggrace
Where: In some diner, then a department store
When: Tuesday morning
Warnings: Teenage drama and hormones
Status:: Complete/G’doced
Reyna hadn’t slept well. She wasn’t a deep sleeper to begin with, but the previous night had been fraught with dreams that had left her flushed and heated, all featuring the blond-haired, blue-eyed boy who had taken her under his wing when she’d first arrived at Camp Jupiter.
She’d been wary of him at first, but back then she’d been wary of any man or boy. She’d seen the havoc wreaked on Circe’s island and on Circe’s handmaidens by men, and she had not been at all open to befriending a boy.
But he won over first her friendship and then her affection, and there had been a time when she’d assumed that they would one day fall in love as so many Praetors had before them, and continue to serve Rome as a couple.
But then he’d disappeared, and come back in love with a girl so effortlessly beautiful that she put the daughters of Venus, with all their affected airs, to shame, and Reyna knew that a future with Jason was lost to her.
Or was it? No, it was. No matter how she felt, and despite their shared kiss and the way it made her feel, he belonged to another. Reyna had too much honour to step in when Piper wasn’t there, and Jason had too much honour to break his commitment to his girlfriend.
So that just left Reyna to pretend that she did not hurt and to soldier on, as she always did. No matter how much he invaded her dreams, or how much she ached for him when she woke from them, she had to move on.
Since she’d woken up before him, she was down in the lobby before him. It was getting colder, and she had borrowed Mike’s jacket. No matter how displeased this made Jason, she had to be practical about it: her roommate had a jacket and she did not. At one point she would have to go and buy her own clothes, but until then, why not use what was available?
Jason hadn’t slept well, either. He’d tossed and turned, and at one point had gotten up from a particularly vivid dream and stood under the shower as it dumped icy water on him, suffering both from the cold, and from his guilt. He shouldn’t be thinking these things, and he certainly shouldn’t be dreaming them.
He had a girlfriend, and he cared about Piper. The things they had survived together - those were things that bonded you, and he did share a bond with Piper McLean. One that was more than just Juno throwing her in his lap and hoping for the best. He didn’t want to hurt her, and he wasn’t going to be that boy who cheated at the first opportunity.
The kiss with Reyna...it had been a mistake. And if Piper ever showed up, he would tell her about it immediately. He would come clean, be honest and brave, and prove to her that even though he was imperfect, he valued their relationship enough to be honest. It was all he could do, now. That, and see that nothing like it ever happened again.
Smoothing his hair as best he could (although at this length, it was rather more difficult), he threw on a pair of jeans and one of his purple t-shirts. He didn’t have a jacket at the moment, but it was probably something he was going to have to pick up along the way.
He came downstairs, smelling of shampoo and shivering a little (he’d chilled himself with that shower). Finding Reyna, he took the seat across from her, finding it difficult to make eye contact.
“So, hey.”
And there he was, looking - and smelling - even better than he had in her dreams. This was going to make it difficult for her to move on, as she’d promised herself she would, but she’d succeeded at more difficult tasks, hadn’t she? If nothing else, she’d held the Legion together on her own while being attacked by giants. Getting over her feelings for a boy had to be easy compared to that.
So why did it just seem so hard?
“Hello,” she replied, offering him a small smile until she realized he wasn’t even really looking at her. And despite what he’d said about wanting to have breakfast, she’d definitely detected something less than enthusiastic in his initial reply.
Did he think she’d make it uncomfortable for him? That she would try to pursue him or sway him from his promise to Piper? He should know her better than that. But just in case he did think those things, she would just have to make sure that she did not show any interest whatsoever in him beyond that of a friend.
“I saw a diner the other night that is still open,” she said briskly, rising to her feet. “Unless you have another preference, I suggest we go there.”
“No,” he said, trying to make his voice as light and easy as possible. “That sounds fine to me. I’m starving.” Brownies and peach preserves sounded delicious at the moment, and he smiled a little at the memory before remembering that was something he couldn’t share with Reyna. Not now.
“So, uh, see any monsters this morning?”
He looked over at her and finally saw her jacket, frowning.
“That’s not yours.”
“No monsters yet, but it doesn’t mean they’re not out there,” Reyna said as she headed out. In the past, she would have walked by his side with an easy, comfortable space between them, but now she stayed several feet away. “We should do another patrol once we’ve eaten.”
At his remark, Reyna clenched her jaw. They had been over this so many times, and she thought she had been clear that her roommate was not up for discussion. “No,” she said flatly, obviously not inviting further remark. “It is not.”
Jason’s jaw clenched as well - both in misdirected anger at her for wearing it, and in anger at himself for feeling that anger.
“Great,” he replied, flatly, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans, glad for the distance between them. This...wasn’t going to work. They couldn’t fight together like this. They couldn’t lead like this. She’d be better off with Octavian.
He’d hoped that this morning could clear things up a little, that they could let the water pass under the bridge and make things easier for both of them. But instead, he struggled to keep his eyes away from her, and his mind couldn’t help but wonder if she did look the way she had in his dreams.
And those thoughts were absolutely, positively off limits, unless he was going to horribly embarrass himself.
“I should get a jacket somewhere,” he said, almost a grumble. “I’m freezing.”
Reyna was surprised he’d let the subject go easily. In the past few days, any time the subject of Mike, her roomming situation, or the fact that she was borrowing clothes had led to giant arguments that were all wrapped up in all their other issues, but he’d just dropped the subject like she’d asked him too.
It was nice, since she didn’t want to fight with him again. But there was a small, traitorous part of her that was almost disappointed, because every time he argued about her staying with Mike, it almost seemed as if he were jealous. It probably wasn’t the case, since he could’ve easily done something about it by moving in with them, but he hadn’t. He’d actually gone as far as to get himself accommodations without checking to see if she needed some herself. But still, a part of her - the part that was a 16 year old girl despite everything she’d gone through - had hoped.
But there wasn’t even that now. She should be happy about it. She was happy about it, she told herself. Yes. This was progress. They could go back to what they had before.
“If no murderous monsters come along after we finish breakfast, we could go look for clothes,” she suggested. “It seems as if we will be here longer than we’d hoped.”
“Right, okay.” He kept his eyes off of her, off of that cursed jacket that heated him more than anything else about this whole morning. He wanted to rip it off of her and tear it into pieces, and then possibly shoot lightning into it until it burned into dust and all memory of her precious Mark with it.
Reaching the diner, he held the door for her with utmost courtesy, coming in behind her and looking around, assessing the situation. He couldn’t help that - find the exit doors, look for possible threats. It was how he was raised, and how he stayed alive.
Finding a table towards the back, he took a seat, burying his attention in the menu, so he didn’t have to look or think about her and those dreams that he’d had last night. Strangely, he’d never had dreams like that about Piper.
Jason’s courtesy was one of the things she liked about him. Yes, Reyna was perfectly capable of opening doors for herself, but his insistence on getting the door was all wrapped up in the code of honour that he abided by so strictly. There weren’t many, not even the demigods she herself trained, who had had such a deep-seated sense of honour. She’d admired it in him from the very start, and over the years it had only grown deeper.
...which was not a productive line of thought to be thinking about at the moment.
Reyna opened the menu, but she couldn’t focus on it. Jason hadn’t looked over at her once, except to take exception to her jacket. When the waitress arrived, Reyna just made an order for eggs, toast and orange juice. She wasn’t sure if they were actually on the menu, but it seemed like a safe option.
“She’s brave to come to work despite the monsters on the streets,” Reyna remarked after the waitress had taken Jason’s order and moved away.
“I suppose she is. That, or simply stupid. Or a monster herself.”
With the menu gone (and he had no idea what he’d ordered), his attention had gone out the window, and then to the tattoo on his arm, which he traced idly with his index finger. Each one of the marks had hurt when he’d gotten it, but he wore it with pride and honor, as a son of Rome. As much as he yearned to look at Reyna, to somehow forget that Piper was part of the picture, it was that pride, that honor, that love of country that kept him from dishonoring himself. It would probably ruin his relationship with Reyna, as well, if this morning was any indication of that, but she would understand that Rome came first.
“Um, have you had a chance to speak to the other demigod?”
“No. I have been busy battling the monsters, and I have not yet encountered her.”
What had happened to them? It used to be that conversation flowed easily between them. He had been the one person she could relax with, the one she didn’t have to maintain a show of strength with, and now there was only awkwardness between them. She felt more comfortable with a strange boy who had never before seen death in his life than the one who had fought by her side countless times.
It even took her a moment to figure out how to continue this conversation rather than letting it die a miserable death, when before it would have been effortless. “I have met a few others from the Watch tower during our time here.”
“Mmm,” he said. “Who?”
Gods, this was awful. Beyond awful. He’d known that when he had left on the Argo II that things were going to need repairing with Reyna. That they were going to have to talk some things out. But...it didn’t seem that there was going to be much talking going on - at least not about anything important. How could he talk to her now? After what he’d done last night, after how that had felt (incredible. amazing. overwhelmingly right), it was something that he just couldn’t address with her. Even though he knew things would just get worse until he did.
He forced himself to look at her for a moment, and in that moment, he knew that his eyes burned into hers, showing in an instant the reason behind all his awkwardness. He couldn’t hide that from her. Then he dropped his eyes again, returning to picking at the numerous scars on his arm.
Reyna was about to reply when he finally looked at her, and the burning heat in his eyes stole her breath away. There was such an intense desire there that even she, in all her experience, couldn’t mistake the meaning of it. This was not like the lecherous gaze of the pirates who had chased after her, bent on taking more than just revenge. This was not like the oily ardor of Octavian, who only saw her as being part and parcel of the Praetorship. This made her pulse quicken and her breath shorten and her mind go back to all the images that made her wake up panting from her dreams.
Even after he’d dropped his gaze, the ache didn’t go away. She’d thought that he wanted to move on just as much as she did. It was probably still the case. But apparently he was having as much trouble as she was.
“It will pass,” she whispered, as much for her sake as his. “It will. We are stronger than this.”
When he realized what her words were addressing, he looked up at her again, this time that heat of his gaze tempered by sadness.
“Will it? Are we? I know that I am strong, but I am not sure I am as strong as this, Reyna.”
He reached out and took her hand across the table. He knew he shouldn’t, he knew he shouldn’t touch her, and all of his senses screamed at him to stop, but he had to. He didn’t have a choice in the matter...it was magnetic, chemical, whatever term you wanted to put on it, but there was some attraction there that was not there with Piper. He cared for her, yes, but he had never felt this...need before. He knew Reyna’s body, he knew the way it moved, he knew the way it fought, he knew the way it felt against his, clothed in battle armor. There was little about her that he didn’t know, either of her mind of her body, and that made the remaining secrets all the more desirable.
But this was wrong. He couldn’t deny that. It was black and white. He. Had. A. Girlfriend. He had pledged himself to her, and while it was not a life-long pledge, he owed her enough that he couldn’t be unfaithful. It would be egregiously dishonorable.
“Maybe...if we could get an Iris message through to her, maybe...”
As soon as he took her hand, Reyna felt as if a huge burden had lifted off her. She knew they shouldn’t be holding hands like this, but she turned her palm over anyway to thread her fingers between his.
This felt like home. For the first time since he’d disappeared, Reyna felt as if things were right again, and that she was right where she should be. The only other time she’d felt like this was when he’d kissed her.
But then he started talking again, and she felt a chill pass through her. Why was he talking about contacting Piper when he was holding Reyna’s hand? Unless...
“To get rescued, you mean,” she said, numbly. She started to pull back. “To go back to the way things were.”
Jason tightened his grip on her hand, meeting her eyes. His were pulsing with electricity, and desire, and...hope.
“No,” he said firmly. “Because it would be dishonorable for me to be unfaithful to her. But there would be nothing wrong with this if I told Piper the truth, and called things off.”
For a moment Reyna couldn’t speak. She stared at him searchingly, as if to make sure that she’d heard correctly. She’d spent so much time since he’d returned with his girlfriend thinking that he was lost to her that she could scarcely believe what he was saying now.
“You would do that?” she asked uncertainly, looking nothing like the strong, confident Praetor of the Twelfth Legion. In that moment, she was just a sixteen year old girl, wishing desperately she could be with the boy she liked. “You would call it off with her to be with me?”
“Yes,” he said, without hesitation. “Reyna, last night...it shouldn’t have happened. But it did. And because it did...I was forced to realize things I had been trying to deny. Piper doesn’t love me. She loves the idea of me. Did you know that we’ve never once sat and talked? Just...talked. Like we used to. She’s a daughter of Aphrodite - she wants high romance, not the quiet conversation that built what we have. She wants me to be Percy Jackson, to do what he did. To fall into the pit with her, in the height of love’s sacrifice. And I love that I can look at you right now and tell you that I’d never do that. I’d let you fall. I’d do everything I could to save you, but in the end, I’d let you fall. Because someone has to keep fighting. Because Rome couldn’t afford to lose us both. Because Rome will always come first to me, no matter how deeply I love you. And you understand that, and I hope you feel the same. Piper and I...yes, she is beautiful. She’s kind. But...you are the one I need beside me, Reyna. You and me, fighting together for Rome. That’s the height of romance, for me.”
Reyna didn’t know anything about Piper or Piper’s wishes for Jason to be more romantic, but if Reyna did know anything about it, she wouldn’t have understood that at all. What Jason had said right then was the most perfect thing he could have ever said. He’d touched upon everything that made them work. Reyna had been attracted to him before, yes, and she’d thought that they would end up together, but back then it had always been a clinical sort of acceptance. She’d found him pleasing to be with and attractive to the eye, and figured that she wouldn’t hate spending her life with him. After their kiss, she started to realize just how much she desired him.
But right then, when he’d made this speech, that was the moment she fell in love with him.
“Senatus Populusque Romanus,” she whispered, squeezing his hand tightly. “Together, we would be unstoppable.”
“Senatus Populesque Romanus,” he repeated, adding “and to the dignity, majesty, authority and freedom of the Roman Empire.”
He lifted her hand to his lips, gazing at her with a desire that was both emotional and physical as he pressed a soft kiss to her hand.
“I’m sorry that it took me so long to see what was right in front of me. I was a fool.”
“Yes, you were,” she informed him, but she was smiling fondly. Finally, the awkwardness between them was fading away, to be replaced by a deeper understanding and connection.
There were still a few things that she wanted to clarify, though. “And if Piper were to arrive today?” she asked, because he’d taken so much pleasure in throwing that at her. She’d flung back some retort or another then, but it was clear now how much it had hurt.
“If Piper were to arrive today,” he repeated, looking down. “I would have a talk with her. It would be dishonorable and dishonest to carry on what I have with her, with what I feel for you.”
“I fear that you would be swayed to stay with her,” Reyna admitted quietly. “I know you care for her. I could not see the way you look at her and think otherwise.”
“I do have feelings for her. But they are not what I feel for you. They are...a teenage crush. You are the love of my life.”
That was more than she had ever hoped to hear from him. She had no cause to disbelieve him: Jason was honourable to a fault, and he wouldn’t say anything he didn’t mean. So when he said that she was the love of his life, the only response she could give was to lean across the table and kiss him. He had a girlfriend, yes, but he loved her.
It was wrong, and he was certain he would regret it afterwards, but he returned her kiss enthusiastically, but keeping it within the bounds of public propriety. When he pulled back, he was smiling warmly, his eyes twinkling with warmth.
“Do you have to wear his jacket?”
She laughed then, a full-throated laugh that she rarely let anyone hear, other than him. Now, she didn’t care if the entire world heard it. “Come buy a new one with me, and I will not have to.”
Jason grinned, his whole face brightening when he did. He didn’t even wait for the food to be delivered, he just asked her to box it up, and they’d pick it up on their way back, after slapping a twenty on the table.
“I can’t stand you wearing that thing, Reyna. Let’s go.”
“It’s a perfectly serviceable coat,” she protested, half-way between amused and annoyed. There was something deeper behind his dislike of the coat, which had been obvious since she’d decided she was going to stay with Mike.
She caught his arm as he began to get up. “You know there is nothing between me and Mark. Nothing. He is like the statues in New Rome: useful and enjoyable, but I would no more develop feelings for him than I would for any of them.”
Jason’s face seemed to deflate a little at her words.
“Yeah. Yeah, I know. I trust you. But...I still...humour me?”
She relented. “Very well,” she said as she stood up. She grabbed the jacket, but put it over her arm rather than put it on. “But only if you agree to be pleasant to him from now on. He has done nothing wrong.”
Jason grumbled, but shrugged.
“Alright, alright. Of course...you did let me do all the hard stuff this morning. I should ask now if you feel the same way about me. I need to hear it too, you know.”
“I love you,” Reyna told him promptly, her smile returning. “It was remiss of me not to return the words when you said them; I was simply too surprised and delighted.”
She stopped to face him, so that he could see how much she meant the words when she spoke. “I love you. You are my partner, my co-ruler, the other half of me. And if you are ever so stupid as to shirk your duty to Rome in order to sacrifice yourself for me, I will hunt you down in the Underworld and throw you to the depths of Tartarus myself.”
“You’d better,” he laughed. “And same to you. I would never do that. I am not Percy Jackson. I would not sacrifice the world to save a friend. There is something greater than myself, something greater than the two of us, and that is why I am here. That is what I fight for. And while losing you would destroy me, it would also give me a reason to fight harder, to struggle forward for Rome. So your death would not be in vain.”
“I would do the same,” Reyna said, smiling. “That is how I will honour your name.”
Her smile faded slightly, though, as a thought occurred to her. “What if you are never able to contact Piper?”
His smile faded as well, and he shoved his hands in his back pockets.
“I think...after a certain amount of time...what we have could be considered null and void. It would be...selfish of me to expect her to keep the faith for more than a year, don’t you think?”
“I waited for you for seven months,” she said softly. That was when she had asked Percy to be Praetor. But had he not come along, she probably would have waited longer. If she were in the other girl’s shoes, how long would she wait? She wasn’t entirely sure.
“I will wait a year. But no more. I love you, but I will not keep my life on hold for you.”
“Nor do I expect you to do so,” he said, taking a step forward, and putting his hand on her hip. “One year, then. On my seventeenth birthday, if not before.”
And he bent down to kiss her, softly on the lips. It was a tender kiss, but a chaste one. Surely it could not be held against him.
It would’ve been chaste, and Reyna had every intention of letting it stay that way, but she couldn’t help it. As soon as his lips touched hers, she melted against him. It wasn’t at all like the desperate desire of their first kiss: this was much more gentle, but she wanted it no less. And this time, she had no reason to push him away.
Jason wrapped his arms around her, lost in the sensation. It was just perfect, this feeling, and he buzzed with electricity as he deepened the kiss. He’d never known anything like this, he’d never felt this kind of connection with anyone. She was his friend, his partner, his confidant, his other half, the only one in the whole world who’d ever understood him. And she was beautiful, and the taste of her...gods. He was only so strong. Pulling away just long enough to take a rasping breath, he kissed her again, lost in what was surely the most perfect moment of his life.
If she was going to have to wait up to an entire year before being with him again in this way, she wanted something to remember. In the dark of the night, when she woke up from yet another explicit dream, she wanted to remember this moment.
It wasn’t until there was a wolf-whistle and some shouts to “Get a room!” that she finally pulled away, blushing with the awareness that they’d just made a spectacle of themselves.
“Let’s go,” she whispered to Jason. In this case, discretion was definitely the better part of valour.
Jason was burning, but it was probably best to just leave that where it was. They absolutely couldn’t do that. In fact, it was probably best that there not be any more kissing at all, since apparently they couldn’t keep it chaste and innocent.
He followed her to the clothing store, and he went first to the women’s clothes, picking out a long, beautiful dark purple jacket for Reyna.
“Here. Try this on?”
“It’s beautiful,” she murmured, admiring the soft wool before slipping it on.
He’d chosen well: the coat fitted her curves beautifully, and the purple - the colour of Imperial Rome - brought out the glow in her cheeks. Or maybe that was just from happiness. In any case, she turned to him, a little self-conscious about modelling for him, but pleased by his choice. “What do you think?”
“I think you’re beautiful. And the coat’s nice too,” he grinned. “Let me buy it. I’d rather you be wearing my coat than his.”
"You are jealous over nothing," she told him with a roll of her eyes. “But I will allow you to buy my coat if you allow me to buy yours.”
She did agree with the sentiment. While Mark’s coat was just a coat, the coat Jason bought for her was always going to be a reminder of him. If she couldn’t have his arms around her, then at least she could have his coat around her. It was the same principle for buying his coat. He may still belong to Piper, but it would be Reyna he thought of any time he wore his coat.
Jason smiled. “Deal.” His mind was going with that in the same direction hers was - he could have something of hers with him at all times, until he could honorably get out of his relationship with Piper. He hoped it would not actually be a year, but if it were...well. At least he would be able to think of her every time he was cold.
“I’ll let you pick it out, too,” he smiled.
“Of course you will,” Reyna told him with a smile of her own. They were nothing if not equals, so it was only fair that she got to choose his coat.
It had been a while since she’d been out in the mortal world that didn’t involve fighting titans or giants, but she found one that she thought suited him almost immediately. It was a varsity-style jacket, with a purple front and white arms. “Try this,” she said, holding it out for him.
He raised an eyebrow as he looked at it, but shrugged and put it on. It fit well through the shoulders, and it was certainly warm. He grinned at her, turning for her to see all sides.
“How does it look?”
Reyna studied him for a moment, her lips curving up in a small smile. “...cute,” she said, after a moment, as if she wasn’t sure if that were a good thing or a bad thing. She wasn’t. Jason wasn’t the cute kind of person, but he did look very good in it.
“Here,” she said, picking up a longer wool coat. “Try this.” It looked like it would give him a bit more dignity.
He shrugged off the first coat to put on the second, raising an eyebrow at her as he buttoned it up the front. This one he liked a lot better - it was warmer, and he didn’t feel like an extra on Glee.
“So....?”
Reyna felt the same. She didn’t know what Glee was, but it certainly suited him much more. “Much better,” she said approvingly. “I will take that one.”
The most pressing thing decided she glanced around the store. “We should purchase more clothes while we’re here. I only got the basics last time I went to buy clothing. And if we are going to be stuck here for a time, we may have to consider finding employment.”
“Employment?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “And what kind of employment are we any good for, in this world? I could work for the electric company? You could wait tables? I do not know that it is a good idea for us, at all. But yes, we need to find you some clothing, so you need not borrow any more of Mark’s.
He grabbed her hand.
“Come on. I’m thinking something...frilly and pink,” he teased.
“The money we received when we arrived will not last forever,” she pointed out. “Unless it gets replenished somehow, we will not be able to purchase food or clothes anymore.” It didn’t address the issue of how they were going to find jobs or what they were going to do. Jason was right: they were ill-suited to find employment in the mortal world. Still, something had to be done with the money problem.
But his next comment quite effectively distracted her from the issue of money. She narrowed her eyes at him. “Try it, and I’ll make you eat it,” she said in a tone that suggested that he was very lucky he was holding her hand, or else it might have been going for his nose.
“Okay, okay! No killing. No pink. I promise.” When they got into the women’s clothes, though, Jason was rather at a loss. All of this...well, he wasn’t sure what it was, but it wasn’t the Reyna he knew.
“Er...is this what regular girls wear?”
Reyna was similarly shocked. How could the same store that held the nice coats that she and Jason had picked for each other have shelves and shelves of...scraps disguised as clothing? And sparkles. There were so many sparkles. She was pretty sure people didn’t wear that out on the street.
Did they?
“I think we’re in the wrong section,” she told Jason.
“Are we...?” he said, looking up at the sign that very clearly marked the area as the young women’s section. “I don’t think so.” Looking around him, he was very certain that she would look lovely in many of these things. But she wouldn’t look like Reyna.
“Uh...surely they’ve just got jeans and t-shirts somewhere?”
Without thinking, and very comfortably, he put his hand at the small of her back to lead her away from that section, and towards a section marked “sportswear”.
“Maybe over here?”
It was so natural and comfortable a gesture, and one he had done many times before he’d disappeared, that Reyna didn’t think anything of it at first. But what had been acceptable then, when she’d thought that maybe they were heading towards a relationship, was a lot different when he was already in a relationship with someone else.
“Jason...” She slowed down and took his hand, removing it from her back, but she didn’t let go of it just yet. She couldn’t, even though she knew that it really was pushing the bounds of what was acceptable to do to another girl’s boyfriend. “We have to be careful not to push the bounds of our honour.”
Jason hadn’t thought about what he was doing - it was something he’d done a thousand times before and that had become second nature. Still, when she pointed it out, he flushed, and after a squeeze, drew his hand back from hers as well.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”
He shoved his hands uncomfortably into his pockets.
“I...” he looked over at her, meeting her eyes with brutal honesty. “I don’t know how to act, Reyna. I don’t know how to do this. How can I be honest to my heart and to my honor when they are in such conflict with each other?”
She started to put her hands in her pockets too, then drew them out and crossed her arms over her chest. Then relaxed them back by her side. She didn’t know what to do with them, except make sure that she didn’t reach out to take his hand again.
“I don’t know either,” she admitted. “I thought...I thought it would be simple enough: to keep our interactions chaste, as they used to be. But now...how can I, when I know that being in your arms is what Elysium must be like, and when your kisses taste like ambrosia?”
“We should not have kissed,” he said, shaking his head. “It was a mistake. Knowing what that feels like...I can never forget. I can never go back. And I don’t want to. You make me ache so, Reyna, for that I cannot have. And I know the dreams that burned me last night won’t leave me in peace until we make them true. This will not be an easy wait.”
The mention of his dreams brought colour to her cheeks again, because if they had been anything like hers...
“I...I had dreams too,” she admitted, and her blush left no doubt as to what they had been like. “We have another compelling reason to try to find our way back home, it seems.”
Jason frowned a bit at that...he was not so sure about that. If they returned home...he would return to the Argo II, and to his mission, which was looking more and more like a suicide mission.
“We are seeking the Doors of Death, Reyna,” he said in a low voice. “And if I am sent home, it is likely I shall not return to the land of the living. I do not fear death in the service of Rome. It would be an honor. But to die before...that I do not desire.”
Reyna shook her head firmly. “You will no longer be alone,” she told him. This time she did reach out to take his hand, because it wasn’t an intimate gesture; it was one of solidarity. “Knowing what I know now, I will retake control of the Legion. I will turn them around and you will have the might of Rome behind you.”
“Perhaps that would be easily done, if the Argo II was under my command. But it is not. Percy Jackson, before he fell, asked Nico di Angelo to lead us to the Doors of Death. Which is, in my mind, absolutely logical and rational. But will Rome follow him? He is not even Roman, in truth.”
He shook his head.
“And then there is simply time, Reyna. You cannot reach Rome in the time necessary to be of use to us. There are many dangers along the way, and they will each be stronger because the element of surprise is gone. No. You must stay in New Rome, wrest control from Octavian, and rebuild what is left.”
And there it was, that decision they’d discussed just a scant hour prior: would they sacrifice each other for the sake of Rome? It had been so easy say, then. If it were her on the brink of death, she would absolutely wish for Jason to let her go and continue their mission. But it was very different when it was his life on the line. Suddenly she felt a surge of sympathy for Percy Jackson that she hadn’t expected.
“There has to be another way,” Reyna said, dropping his hand to run her hand through her hair. “There has to be.”
Not going back simply wasn’t an option - there was too much at stake. But even if they went back, would it be too late to make any difference? Would the war have been decided one way or the other? And if it hadn’t... there was still a very real chance that she would lose Jason.
“If I die, remembered that I died for Rome, while loving you,” he said with a sad smile. “And think of me once in a while? See that my legacy doesn’t die. Live on, and be happy, and see that Rome is better because we lived.”
He wasn’t frightened of his future; there was no fear. But he was saddened by it. To have found this love, and then to know that the chances of him ever enjoying it were so very slim... Of course he had known his whole life that reaching adulthood was unlikely. Every day since he had defeated Krios had been like a gift - because that, also, was something he had never expected to survive. He was sixteen years old now - old, for a demigod. The people here who treated him as a child...they did not understand what he had done, or what he had suffered. He was no more a child than any who had seen war, death, and devastation on the scale that he and Reyna had.
But still...he would have liked just one morning, to awaken in her arms.
“No.” She closed her eyes, as if to block out the visions of a world without him. It had been bad enough when he’d disappeared, but at least then she still had hope that he would return to her. And back then, she had missed him as a best friend, as a partner and as a co-leader. If he died now, it would be final, and she would miss him as one who would never love anyone like she loved him. He asked her to be happy, but how could she, when he would be gone?
“I don’t wish to discuss it anymore,” she said abruptly, turning away. Sportswear. Yes, that was important. “We will deal with it when the time comes, and I will do everything in my power to ensure your survival.” She turned back to him, eyes blazing. “You make sure to do the same. No more solo suicide missions.”
He had a bad track record of avoiding suicide missions. Krios. Porphyrion. The quest he was currently on. So far he had a good track record of surviving them, but most of that, he was convinced, was sheer, unadulterated luck.
“But solo suicide missions are kind of...my thing,” he said, trying for Percy’s impish grin, and failing.
Reyna was not at all amused. “Pick something else as your thing,” she told him. “It’s one thing to die in the service of Rome when there are no other options. But to seek death? That is not love. That is stupidity.”
Jason’s blue eyes hardened slightly as he looked at her.
“My life is less important than Rome. And if by taking on the missions that are unwinnable, I can save my fellow soldiers, if I can spare my legion with my life - I will. A suicide mission is just that - and it is best to throw one man at it than many, for then only one is lost. It is not stupidity, it is mathematics. One is less than a legion. A legion is greater than one.”
“Only if it is a calculated loss,” Reyna shot back. He was correct in his logic, of course, but the fear of losing him to the Underworld was making her edgy. Besides, she wasn’t convinced that his suicide missions were necessary. “And it must be weighted against the person taking the risk. Do you think Caesar underwent any suicide missions?”
“I am not Caesar,” he scoffed. “If I fall, there will be another to take my place. There are many rising in the ranks. Frank. Hazel. Dakota. They are all brave and loyal Romans. And there are others, many others who will rise to fill that hole.
He raised a hand to her cheek.
“Reyna. We spoke of this. Do not let your heart cloud your judgment.”
She turned away, knowing that he was right but hating it all the same. “Just promise me this,” she said after a long moment. “If there is a chance for us to go back, if we have any warning, promise you will give me one night. If you do not return...at least I will have that.”
“I promise,” he said, without hesitation. “If we know we are to go back, our last night here will be yours. And you will have that to remember, and I to take into the Underworld. Of course, I am quite certain it will make Elysium pale in comparison.”
Reyna nodded, but his assurance didn’t make her feel any better. There was nothing more to say about it, though: they both knew the stakes, and they both knew what they had to do. The fact that they hated it was irrelevant.
“This clothing is more appropriate,” she said, turning back to the task at hand. Her voice was a little thick, though.
He hung back a little, letting her peruse the shelves and find something that would make her feel comfortable. He found the nearest window and stood gazing out over the day, as the sun brightened this new place. He had seen the sun rise over many venues now, but it never ceased to amaze him, this birth of a new day. And today...well, even though his emotions were in disarray, he felt...strong. Centered. As if he had made a very important decision, and made it the right way.
It would not be easy, telling Piper what he felt, but he would do it, because she deserved the truth. She was not a bad person, and he did care for her, after all. Turning back, after a few moments, he could not find her in his sight, or hear her, and his heart skipped a beat.
“Reyna?!”
He wouldn’t panic. He was sure she was here. And she was more than capable of taking care of herself. And there were no monsters in the store...right?
“What?” She stepped out of the change room, tugging at a pair of low-rise track pants that left her hips bare. Not noticing his alarm just yet, she turned to face the mirror, frowning as she attempted to cover herself better. “I think this one’s defective.”
His alarm faded when he saw her, and his eyes couldn’t help but go straight to the bare skin she was displaying in the track pants. Not terribly utilitarian that way, it was true, but...there was a part of him that liked them very, very much indeed.
“No...I think it’s supposed to be that way. Supposed to look sexy, maybe?”
“There is no point in having sexy training clothes unless you’re a Child of Venus trying to distract the enemy,” Reyna muttered.
But then she caught sight of Jason’s expression in the mirror, and she thought that maybe there was a bit of a point in having sexy training clothes. Still, it would be very impractical. She’d spend most of her time in battle hoping her pants didn’t fall off. “I will try another pair.”
“Of course,” he said, hiding his slight disappointment. She wasn’t dressing for him after all, and the pants were rather ridiculous from a battle standpoint. He needed to get his mind back where it belonged, which was not on Reyna’s backside. By the gods, this was going to be a long year.
He went to the rack of sweats, finding a pair that looked far less ‘cute’ and far more ‘workable.’
“What about these?”
“They look more functional,” Reyna agreed.
She reached for them, and as she did so her fingers touched his. Instantly she felt a jolt of awareness, as if he’d just sent one of his electrical currents down her body. It shouldn’t have happened: she’d touched him plenty of times - even today - without taking much note of it, but there was something different about this one. Maybe it had been the way he’d been looking at her. Maybe it was the heightened awareness of knowing that he loved her but they couldn’t do anything about it. Maybe it was the knowledge that he might not have long to live after they returned to their world. Whatever it was, she closed her hand around his and just held it for a moment, her eyes saying everything she could not.
He knew he shouldn’t be holding hands with her, but after that shock - which he’d had nothing to do with - what could he do? He was powerless to release her, and wished only that it were possible for this burn to be quenched. He was a demigod, yes, son of Jupiter, and he had a list of accomplishments that were the envy of many in his camp, but in this, he was little more than a green recruit.
He cleared his throat, trying to steel his expression - not against her, but against the thoughts that were creeping into his mind as he looked at her, and thought of her trying on those sweats in the changing room.
“We should...make rules.”
“We should,” Reyna agreed. “Be disciplined about it.” They did best with structure and discipline, after all, so if they could decide on a set of rules that were honourable and acceptable, then surely they could stay within their bounds.
She forced herself to release his hand and take a step back. “Rule one: no kissing.”
Jason chuckled at that one; it was so obvious. And yet - it was probably going to be the hardest one to keep. “Yes, no kissing. That should probably be...absolutely none. Because things can get...carried away. Even small kisses. Tiny ones.”
Gods. And of course, that got him thinking about tiny kisses. And small kisses. And the kiss they’d shared last night and...
“Rule two: um, as little touching as possible.”
Rule Number Two covered a lot of possibilities - most of which were running through her head at the moment - so Reyna nodded, thinking about other rules they needed to adhere to. “Rule Number Three: we will continue to live in separate apartments.”
Jason paled at the importance of that one. Literally paled. Gods, yes. He couldn’t imagine waking up in the middle of the night, after one of those dreams, and knowing she was right next door. He may have defeated Krios singlehandedly, but that would be an easy battle compared to staying in bed in that situation.
“Yes. Yes. Separate apartments.”
He looked at her for a long moment, clenching his hands into fists at how much he wanted to break all of these rules so very, very much. But he, Jason Grace, was not a rule breaker. And he would not break these, above all others. What he felt for her was simply too precious to throw away because he was too weak to control himself.
“We must...give ourselves something. A reward, to make this worthwhile. To get us through.”
“What reward could we give ourselves that would not go against the spirit of this arrangement?” Reyna asked with a frustrated little shrug. “Already we’ve crossed a line in your commitment to Piper, in heart if not in deed. What can we do that will allow all of us to keep our honour?”
It was true. Jason knew it was true, even though he’d been trying to ignore it. If he’d been truly honorable, he would never have divulged his feelings to Reyna at all. He would have waited until Piper were here, and been honest and straightforward with her before he’d even mentioned this to Reyna. That would have been the honorable thing to do. His face flushed with shame, and he turned his eyes from her.
“Of course, you’re right. Perhaps I am not as honorable as you think I am,” he mumbled.
Reyna ached to see him like this. Honour was such a cornerstone of who they were that the implication of being anything less was a blow. She longed to reach out a comforting hand to him, but that would definitely go against Rule Two. All she had, then, were words, and she had never been good at that. Octavian was the orator, and an effective one at that. Still, she had to try.
“You are the most honourable man I know,” she said quietly. “And there is always redemption. If we conduct ourselves faultlessly from now on...”
Jason half-smiled at those words. Faultlessly. Indeed, to make up for past transgressions, they would indeed have to act faultlessly. He could not kiss her. Or touch her. Or even tell her how he felt if he were to be true to his honor, although his eyes would likely constantly betray him.
And yet...honor was not always so straightforward. Was it honorable to deny how he felt? Was it honorable to shut away his feelings for Reyna, when it was clear how much they both yearned to be together? Was it honorable for them to lie to themselves about how they felt - for a year, perhaps? He had made a commitment, yes. And that commitment had to be honored. He was not denying that. And yet...he felt that he’d made a commitment to Reyna as well. And there was no way out of this situation with his honor perfectly intact.
“I am not faultless, Reyna,” he said simply.
She smiled wryly. “I know you are not,” she said, slightly teasing. She’d told him that in the past, anyway. Just because he was her partner and confidant didn’t mean that she never called him out on anything. “But we will conduct ourselves appropriately, so that...” She swallowed; the next words were difficult to say. “So that when you stand before the Judges of the Underworld, you will have nothing you need to defend.”
Jason shook his head. “They still will know I love you, when my soul is laid bare. And that in itself is a betrayal.”
He wrapped his arms around himself, shivering a little at that thought. He had never feared to face the Judges before, and he still was not afraid to die. And he still believed that even with this, the scales would weigh in his favor. But this was definitely a fault, definitely something that he would not be proud to admit when he came before them. It was a mark on his soul, where there had not been one before.
“Love in itself is not a betrayal,” Reyna said quietly. “And when you return...you will return to her. Do what you need to then.”
Her words had been chosen deliberately: she was not asking him to promise to break things off with Piper as he had said he would. She was leaving open the possibility of a reconciliation with Piper if he so chose, without any guilt or ties to Reyna. There was every possibility that she may never see him again after they returned to their world. He might not survive - she might not survive. If he decided that he did feel more than a teenage crush for Piper after all, she would not put him through what he was going through now. She would not bind him to someone who was not there.
“I will do as I have told you I will do,” he said sternly. “I am not the kind of man who simply loves the one nearest to him,” he said, almost offended by the idea, and by her words. “I have said I do not love Piper, that I do not wish to be with her in that way. That will not change. Do you think me so fickle, Reyna?”
Reyna shook her head. “Of course not. But if I am to lose you to the Underworld, then I don’t want to be yet another burden for you to take there.” And despite her faith in him, there was still a small part of her that worried that she might lose him to Piper again. It had happened once; what was to say that the gods and circumstances wouldn’t conspire to make it happen again?
His eyes burned in anger at that, not at her exactly, but at the fact that she could believe that. A burden??? It felt almost as though someone had opened a window on the floor - the wind began to swirl almost violently, whipping the clothes on the racks. Jason seemed not to notice, but took her hand tightly in his, his eyes still flashing with emotion and fury.
A burden. How could she possibly imagine herself to be a burden?
He needed to get her in private, so he could...explain to her, so he could speak to her without the other people watching. And there seemed to be more of them gathering.
“The dressing room. Come with me. We will talk there.”
She was still holding onto the sweat pants that Jason had picked out for her, and it ruffled in her hands at the sudden breeze. “We can’t go in there together,” she hissed, a little embarrassed now that she realized people were staring. “That’s against...” Well, okay, they didn’t have a specific rule against that, but she was pretty sure going into a dressing room together should have a rule about it.
“It’s not against the rules,” he said flatly. And it wasn’t. Perhaps against the spirit of the rules, but he couldn’t get himself to care about that at this very moment. “And yes we can. Come with me. Please,” he said, softening a bit. “We need to talk, and I don’t want to make a spectacle, like we did earlier.”
It occurred to Reyna to remind him that the reason why they had made a spectacle earlier was because they were kissing each other like their lives depended on it, and going into the dressing room was probably going to get the same reaction, but then she got distracted thinking about the kiss, and before she realized it they were inside the change rooms.
Gods, had it always been so small? There had been enough room for her to change comfortably, but now that he was there, it seemed far too small, crowding her far too close to him, especially since he was still holding her hand. “Well, now we’ve made a spectacle.”
Oh...this was a bad idea. He’d assumed the room was a little bigger, that they could find a place to talk here, but this...she was inches from him...or so it felt. Still, he cleared his throat.
“Don’t say that, Reyna. Don’t say that again. You are never a burden on me. Not ever. You will never...ever be a burden on me. After all the battles we’ve fought together, after all the glories we’ve shared, how could you possibly think that?”
And he raised his hand to her cheek, just a very gentle touch, hoping it wouldn’t be a fatal mistake.
This was definitely against Rule Two, but Reyna lifted her hand to cover his. “Not a burden when it comes to battles,” she said quietly. She knew her worth there. “A burden here.” And she lifted her other hand to rest gently on his chest, over his heart.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Not a burden. A strength.” He covered that hand with his own, even though Rule Two was lying in the dirt, being trampled. He would pay for it later, but for now, convincing Reyna what she meant to him was far more important. “If I make it out of the Underworld, it is because you are here, in my heart, giving me the strength of two. Giving me the strength to take twice the pain, to bear twice the sorrows, to fight twice as long. Because I know you would not want me to give up, to abandon Rome for the peaceful gardens of Elysium.”
Leave the chocolates and flowers to other girls. All Reyna needed was to know that she gave him strength to fight for the empire they both loved so much.
She would have kissed him right there, but they had already broken their own rule three times in as many minutes, and she didn’t want to add yet another transgression to the list.
She released him, but she was smiling broadly. “You may not be faultless, but that reply was. And if you do not return to me after all that, I will find you in Elysium and make my displeasure known.”