Tadgh Molloy's Day Will Come (fabhcun) wrote in angellogs, @ 2017-07-08 14:29:00 |
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Entry tags: | !independence day plot, !trigger warning, balthier, isannah mied bunansa, shaun hastings, tadgh molloy |
Who: Balthier, Isannah, Shaun, Tadgh
When: Current
Where: Caledonian sleeper train
What: The network seems to be crashing, and the train system’s gaining more officers and there’s talk about shutting down the lights to conserve power. In the middle of this, Balthier just wants to get back to the HQ of the Assassins. Shaun wants to try to figure out why Balthier’s flinching away from them and Jacob.
Rating/Warnings: Talk about trauma, worries about Jacob and his understanding of consent, talk about Victorian / modern homophobia, Shaun casually approves the very limited use of torture, Tadgh mentions some specifics about The Troubles with potential political ramifications (The Templars started Bloody Sunday) , No one knows how to handle trauma very effectively, No one likes Lucifer and they talk about THAT in some detail. This is kind of disturbing.
Status: Complete
Balthier got a sleeper - berth? He’s not sure the exact term, but there’s beds and a tiny towel and a sink for cleaning up a bit. Since it’s a long trip, he’s erring on the side of comfort. Being able to have his sister and anyone that Shaun would like, it’s a bit easier to set things up as well. If he’s right, they’ve basically got the back corner of the sleeping area as just people he knows.
The train station has gained a couple of tense looking officers, but it’s easy enough to get boarded early. He nearly texts Shaun to let him know, but - right - the phones are working oddly. “That - went better than I expected,” he says to Isannah. “How hungry are you? I think there’s sandwiches available, the bar, and tea.”
There’s also a package of shortbread and coffee cake, carefully wrapped up in his bag. Mostly, it’s easier to talk about food and getting settled in versus dealing with that way his heart jumped at the increased level of guards.
Erring on the side of comfort is a good idea, considering that they’re going to be here for..quite a while and it might possibly get weird. If it comes down to it, at least the train’s lounge areas look comfortable enough that they won’t have to feel guilty kicking anyone out of the berth if things go badly. NOT that it seems as likely, considering what Iomhar managed to hear when he filled Isannah in. She’s hoping anyway.
“I could do with tea, I think.” She pauses. “Actually, I’m betting most of us could if it’s going to be, what, Fawkes and then he’s having someone swing around who’s as neutral as it can be? Do they sell one of those...some of the donut shops have coffee in containers that are meant for an entire office. I don’t suppose they do something like THAT, but we could grab a couple of the extra large cups and leave them alone, just in case?”
They could also always put something IN the cups to make them calmer, suggests a voice in her head that’s totally Starkhaven accented, but she’s not completely sure she wants to risk drugging people with whatever herbal THING Iomhar managed to uncover. It seems dangerous and risky and she likes these people. It’s more of a protecting your own thing that he’d mentioned. ...Has she mentioned that the man both terrifies and impresses her?
“Or buy some when they get in. It’s a good idea.” Balthier rolls his shoulder a little. “I’m not feeling too stiff, at least.” He managed to show off a bit in the practice yard, which was pleasant, and let Noah shove him at the shower and kind of - hover like a spotter. It helped. “You know, we did pick up some of those insulated containers. We could pour the tea in that, and it’d stay hot longer.” They were on sale, and cheerily pink. Basch told them where they could find them.
He looks at her. “How’re you doing? I’m feeling pretty - okay. Despite the weirdness.”
“That’d work.” Isannah laughs. “Basch will appreciate them at some point, I’m sure.” It’s mild teasing, but really. She’s noticed how they tend to gravitate to pink now, as something that Basch seems to have picked up on as a theme, appreciating the irony or...something in that. Then again, people in this world are already a bit backwards in how they tie colors to gender anyway. She can approve of people running with the theme and all of that.
“I’m good, actually. It was nice to check in with Ellie. She seems a little more...settled these days. I think there’s been less Lucifer around. I don’t trust that kid.” Evie really doesn’t either, so she’s gotten to hear...quite a lot of concerns around him too. She knows he’s got some kind of special abilities thing from his world, or dimension, or something and it seems like that’s being used...not always to Ellie’s benefit when he comes by to teach her things. “And Iomhar, once I found him...it was good to catch up there too. He’s insane, but I like him. Half expected him to run and check out the whatever they are in the sky. I’m glad he’s not THAT crazy.”
She doesn’t add the part where they eavesdropped on Shaun talking with Noah, or what she overheard about him there. Balthier doesn’t need to know they were discussing him, after all. “Back okay? I think I have some of the tylenol in my bag.” Also a couple band-aids and some antiseptic just in case.
“I should probably wait a bit. I did just eat and I kind of want to make sure the train movement doesn’t get me queasy.” Balthier’s got tea now, and he’s adding a packet of creamer to it after taking a sip of it. “Lucifer, you know, I think is the guy who’s seeing Jacob. And Evie doesn’t like him. You might want to have Ellie talk to her. Carefully? I think Evie’s a bit - brisk due to having to be, versus gentle at times. But it might be good for her to meet more women.”
Balthier frowns. “Does it seem like Iomhar’s sleeping? I could try grabbing his attention and being pushy about it. Or do you think the sanity is just - his way of coping with things?”
“He’s not coping worth a thing.” Isannah makes a face. “From the outside anyway, I’d say that. I can’t say I’m surprised it’s manifested like it has, but it’s not good. Might be worth mentioning in more depth to Sebastian, let him do the...apparently part of his job included listening to people’s problems. Depends on how good Iomhar is at long silences that beg you to fill them up, I’d say. And Ellie..that’s not a bad idea. It’d probably help. At least let her hear some of the concerns. When I was her age, I wouldn’t have listened, probably, but...trying to let her KNOW there’re some problems is better than nothing, right?”
Shaun’s a little bit relieved after all’s said and done after his trip out to Craigcrook. Aedan hadn’t been as difficult or unreasonable as he’d worried, and had mostly seemed kind of subdued about the whole thing, and a little embarrassed things had gone as far as they did, along with relieved he wasn’t getting booted out of the assassins already. Balthier...he’s sort of got a plan for handling and Jacob...that’ll be another story. At least Noah had helped him feel a little easier about all of that now.
Right now, he’s boarding, ticket in hand, after coordinating a few things, via locked posts on the network. Tadgh had pointed out they might want to start dispatching some of the assassins to a few different places, both to get a read on the situation, and to get hold of some resources if they could, and the idea’s solid now that it’s been coordinated. It’s definitely easier than its been this morning anyway, and now he’s more confident about handling the Balthier thing so he’s looking for the berth in question.
“I’m afraid it might be a rank thing,” Balthier’s saying. “That Ser Sebastian is the prince, in his mind, and not a brother or a priest. But - it might not hurt. Or we could try to pull him close. He seems to relax around us, even if it’s a bit like a veteran relaxing when there’s soldiers around. And - please? I think she’s lonely, Ellie, and I fear she puts up with a lot under the idea that anyone is better than nothing.”
Balthier’s got a cup of tea and he’s perched on a sort of window well and sitting cross legged. “I think my form was better this time. I mean - less terrible in the shoulders and less wooden. Even if my endurance isn’t great.”
“It could be that.” Isannah nods. “There’s definitely a level of...deference there when he’s DOING that...when he’s being the prince. If you ever watched, he sort of...shifts.” She pulls herself up a little, her eyes going a bit stern. “Like that. It gets results. And we could too. You didn’t strain too much then? Endurance’ll come back, you know that, right? No need to push past what you honestly CAN do. It’s not a life or death matter yet.”
“Well, there’s nothing - wrong, at least - nothing physically wrong? So it feels - odd to favor things.” Balthier smiles at her. “I should pay attention to that, shouldn’t I?”
“Definitely should.” Isannah nods, smiling back. “It’s one of those things where, if it’s bothering you, it COULD lead to serious things down the road. The long term sorts of injury problems coming to light and all of that. Just in case.”
And there’s a knock then, and Shaun’s shifting his bag and hoping he’s gotten the right car because that’ll be embarrassing otherwise. One of those awkward moments you’d prefer avoiding forever, in which the other person is just as awkward as you and...anyway, best make sure. “Balthier?”
Balthier opens up the door and grins. “Come on in. Everything went okay with you? I noticed there were more officers in the station.” He waves Shaun in. “We got some tea, and there’s an untouched one if you’d like it? Or you could buy one the way you like it?” He did bring some sugar packets for him.
“Security checks took a bit more than they usually would.” Shaun frowns. “Can’t blame them for tightening things up. You know, people went absolutely MAD once when they thought aliens were attacking from space? Halloween...wait, you won’t have been here for one of those, it’s a holiday based on a religious holiday when spirits walk the earth and you try to scare the hell out of each other, apparently, hoax that sent a lot of people into total panic. I can see wanting to avoid that kind of thing. Or..possibly worse.” He shakes his head. “There’ve been a few things here. And tea’s fantastic. How’d it go, practicing?”
He’s glancing at Isannah and deciding NOT to ask the obvious question of whether she found everything interesting enough to comment on or not.
“Not too badly.” Balthier passes the tea over. “You’re talking about the War of the Worlds broadcast, aren’t you? The one where they deliberately tried to get the fictional warnings to happen when people might not hear them?”
He used the google, because he was curious after some talk about it and mirrors.
“Exactly.” Shaun agrees. “It sounds like it got..bizarre. I haven’t heard any warnings here though, and I DID try...we were looking at numbers stations, trying to see if anything interesting or weird came out, but I THINK all we found were a few people in Moscow talking about government activity. Controversial but not relevant to this. You’ve been doing research.”
“Trying at least. I mostly - they don’t hum the way ships did back in Ivalice.” Balthier leans back a little and cups his mug in his hands. “We’re picking up Tadgh later?”
“He’s meeting us at the York stop.” Shaun nods. “Something about having a hunch at things being in...there’re some ruins from back before it was England, when ancient romans were still around. Supposedly, he’s looking for anything interesting that might be left behind. We don’t have leads, but you never know, do you? At least in theory. I SUSPECT he’s actually gone to...they’ve got a viking center where you see, hear and smell what they lived like. I told him it’s probably similar to what it smells like when he forgets to do laundry, but…” he shakes his head a little. “The fact he’s willingly doing anything in England’s big for him and he’s gathering a few supplies in case all of this goes haywire. If not, it gets donated later. But we’ve got a lot of rooms if people can’t get home and there are road blocks. It’d involve creating lying around the obstacle course, mind you, but we’re apparently coming up with some kind of gymnast cover story. And Parkour’s...people are fascinated by that, now.”
Isannah raises an eyebrow at that. “Murder parkour gymnasts. Right.” She shakes her head, laughing a little. “That’d explain why Evie was heading for ...somewhere I can’t pronounce in Wales. She SAID it was sentimental sort of things, but I’ve known you people long enough to know it’s never just going back to where you lived before.”
Balthier shivers. “So I’m pretending to be support for a gymnast or parkour group? I could handle that.” He looks out the window. “At least I can pretend to be fairly nimble in a pinch. Or blather about pulley systems and support scaffolding. Noah said he was apparently looking into old air raid options in town, to kind of - have a safe place to point people. If things go bad.”
He shows what they have in the bag. “There’s some food packed as well. So we should be okay. I haven’t done a lot of trekking around, but we did some with the engineering group.” Apparently, his older brother had a reputation of being a decent partner, and his sister as a fierce one. His father - amusingly enough, was not that popular. As a young man, when his dad wasn’t so bad, it was sort of amazing to hear people mention that the senior Bunansa (never Cidolfus - always the slightly less friendly last name) had a been a pain back in the day.
“You’re our uh resident civil engineer.” Shaun figures most people wouldn’t question that. “Everybody needs one? Or something like that. And that’s good, that’s really good. I’ve got a copy of this guide they put out about thirty years ago for survival under apocalyptic conditions. There’s some emergency first aid, uh instructions for barricading yourself against strong blasts, which I doubt are going to do much, cheerful instructions for where to put your corpses if you can’t leave, and how to label them.” He pauses.
“The government was WEIRD thirty years ago. I get it was a climate of total fear but talk about your mixed messages.”
“Devastating explosions?” Isannah nods. “If you’ve got, I don’t know, sandbags or something, it really WON’T. Ours are a bit more, well, it’d depend on what materials you’re dealing with, but I can’t see it working very WELL.”
“Sky fortress Bahamut,” Balthier murmurs. “Though it looked nothing like what’s out there.” He shifts to set down his tea and pulls himself up to the upper bunk. “I’m guessing labelling was more - safety concerns for toxins and identification?”
“Identification.” Shaun nods. “As far as I can tell. So the government’s job is easier. Name, address, things like that. Apparently so they can mark you off on paper. OR it was just to make you feel like you were being productive and such. Personally, I can think of a few other options that might be a little more viable, but...red tape.” He shrugs a little. “We’ve got a while to picking Molloy up, actually, anyway. I suppose we should just..hang around a bit til then? I do want him to be here so we can talk about things and...he’s better with some of this.”
“Sounds good to me,” Balthier offers from where he is. “I’ve got some books, in the bag, and some downloaded to the tablet. Can’t promise you’ll enjoy them. How did operation flower drop off go, Isannah? Was Sebastian happy?” He’s comfortable enough to doze off, but - it’d be pleasant enough to do that, with the train just starting to move, and his sister’s voice.
Balthier does finally doze off. Later, he wakes up blurrily to the train - stopping? Maybe? It’s dark, and he doesn’t have the usual glow from the station filtering in the window. “Issy?”
“Hey, you’re awake.” Isannah’s smiling though it’s pretty dim. “They’ve done something with the lights. Conserving energy in case something goes wrong. Someone’s a bit concerned. I can’t say I blame them, but it DOES make this a little awkward. We should be okay though. There’re some emergency ones.”
And she does have a keychain sort of flashlight if they need it. It’ll be shadowy, but, she’s reaching over to tug that out of her bag. “Shaun’s getting Tadgh, apparently. At least he’s waiting by the entrances for him. Apparently, there’s a couple bags he’s bringing on, and they were going to grab fresh tea.”
“Huh.” Balthier moves down. “I wonder what he meant about someone neutral. I guess he heard that I kind of - got skittish with Jacob?” He moves down to the lower bunk. “Mind if I sit next to you?”
“Of course.” Isannah scoots over enough, to give him some room. “The way I hear it, he’s a bit suspicious of a few things going on with Jacob, so I wouldn’t be surprised. The templar drama? Jacob’s done it a couple other times, I guess. Back before Shaun could do anything about it. So on top of hearing other things...he wants to make that better.”
Balthier eyes her. “Do I not want to ask what I slept through?” He sighs and fishes out his phone. Still no messages. “Are we supposed to be doing - blackout conditions? Or just conserving power?” He’s not - too worried about this. Shaun’s been okay? A bit - fiery and traumatized about the Templar, but that sounds not too surprising, does it?
“Conserving.” There’s Shaun, heading back through with Tadgh, and a couple bags full of a couple things, though Tadgh’s setting one of them down instead of stashing it with the others. . “So, someone’s found provisions. There’re a few chocolate factories in York among the vikings and the ruins.”
“I liked the vikings.” Tadgh protests. “They put you in a time machine and ride you through a village in the basement.” And he laughs a little. “Granted, it’s not an animus or anything. It was still a bit brilliant. But I got chocolates for the ride back, yeah. Mostly from the people that make the oranges you get at Christmas, so they’ve got raspberry and orange and mint ones mostly on the shelves at the little shop. Hey Balthier, Isannah. Decent time away?”
Balthier nods. “Not too bad. I brought some cookies and things to nibble on as well. What’s a chocolate orange?” Chocolate did show up, at least, but it was usually more - gritty from the sugar and matte. The shiny waxy kind here was odd. Not bad at all, of course.
He tilts his head. “I’m getting a feel like - uh - you wanted to talk, Fawkes. Do you want to wait till after we have tea?”
“They shape the chocolate into a ball and you whack it against things until it falls into wedges like you’re eating an orange.” Shaun explains.
“It’s one of those things you usually bring out at holidays, though you can GET them any time. It’s a bit weird, I guess, actually. And I would like to, yeah. About...a few things. It might be hard for you. That’s why I wanted...someone you trust around with you, and I’ve got Molloy here because he’s bound to be a bit fairer than I am if things get frustrating or I don’t understand. I’d like his input too, on some things, if that’s not something you’d mind. You seem to feel safest with him, of any of us. When are YOU all right with talking?”
Balthier looks at Tadgh and back at Shaun before moving back to the window seat. It’s a comfortable spot. “I guess now? I’m not too muzzy still.” He does lean to pick up his sketchbook to keep his hands busy. He honestly finds Falcon a bit like some of the older engineering corps. Kind of prickly, but in a way where he notices if he accidentally groused too much at you, and fair about it. Not - a terrible thing.
Kind of protective, in the way Iomhar always tries to guard their backs, but - not so tense. Either way. He does have tea. It’s fine.
Tea helps with a LOT of problems, it’s true. Tadgh’s smile is still there as he moves to grab a seat himself, stretching out his legs a little, and studying them all. “So, we’re starting with the obvious or…”
“I’ve said some things, let others be said, first off, that were...screwed up.” Shaun starts, not bothering to try to hide that fact . “About something you showed us. Your friends...even if they HAD been loyal to the templars, wouldn’t have been at the time of the video you showed us .” He takes a deep breath. “And in that case, the creed’s pretty clear about what we should and shouldn’t do.”
“Stay your blade from the flesh of the innocent.” Tadgh agrees, nodding. “I’m sorry if we gave the impression that we wanted to harm your friends for doing nothing.”
Balthier nods slowly. “I also -” He trails off. “It’s hard to say what happened to me was - what’s the way to put it? Geneva conventions? I was trying to talk carefully with a lawyer about my options to protect myself and Isannah if my father showed up here. But - I was just there for a week or so. And it was years for Basch.” It’s wrong to compare things. Basch said that. Still - Balthier catches himself doing it. He holds himself like a knife, and he’s afraid, but - it’s like he can’t recognize that he’s doing that because he was hurt.
He trails off. “Noah’s a good interrogator. There’s no reason to keep interrogating Basch after a year or so. The rebellion that started after his framing and arrest - there’s no way Basch could know useful information. He was only alive to blackmail Noah and Ondore. And I think - the past version of Noah - the Gabranth who hated his brother, knew that.” Noah noticed it too. In between wincing and touching the screen, but still. He noticed that maybe, he was trying to get Basch to notice.
“And years of that…” Shaun nods. “I suppose that I can see where it would wear on him, past the...forgive me for saying it this way, but honestly, I can’t say that there aren’t times it isn’t justified, official rulings or not. But...simply being a templar, which I understand they AREN’T anyway...that isn’t a reason. If we resort to that for the simple things, then we’re as bad as they are. I’d rather not be that person if it can be helped. So saying that...hearing us discuss it...that must have been unnerving at best.”
Balthier nods. “It . . . is. Basch was framed once, and I know . . . I think he never was cleared. Not - not himself, without the armor on. Not that I remember much of - the after. Mostly I don’t remember much before - the midway point of the game?”
Shaun nods at that, his expression a little grim. “That sounds, well, very bad. Maybe it’d have made me nervous once too.”
He’s lucky he doesn’t have connections to people anymore, or emotions about them, that he learned how to shut them off in most cases. It’s made him stronger, he’s pretty sure. Not that he considers Balthier weak, but...he’s learned the tricks is all. The others didn’t have the chance and he feels a little bad for them about that.
“Would it help if I explained the circumstances I would use it under? So they’re obvious?”
Balthier fidgets with his pencil. “I don’t know, to be honest. I’d be afraid I wouldn’t be rational and I’d protest, but you don’t know what I lived with, and I don’t know what you lived with. Would - rare and with regret count, at least?”
“Call it incredibly rare.” Shaun nods. “Let’s say the templars had one of my people. Stashed away in one of their secret labs, being harmed themselves, or worse. IF I couldn’t find the information, via hacking everything I bloody could, and they refused to speak? I couldn’t hesitate. Staying idealistic, when I knew that someone knew and wasn’t saying...I couldn’t let that stand. What happened to Basch, to YOU...should that sort of a thing be happening here, and it was the only way to know what was happening to you, and where you were. That’s when. It’s the only time that I could live with myself later, and I’d hate myself, but my people before theirs. No one’s languishing for me hesitating. Any other time…” he shakes his head. “It wouldn’t be acceptable. I do believe in that.”
Rare and with regret seems to apply to the circumstance as he’s described it, anyway.
“That’s - not so bad at all. Not - revelling in it,” Balthier says. He makes a noise under his breath. “That’s understandable? Not something I’d enjoy doing, but - nowhere near like saying that - that - having your fingers broken is a good thing.”
“We got carried away, before. “ Tadgh frowns. “Even I let myself do it. I’m still so...I grew up in a war zone, even if it wasn’t designated one, officially. The templars manipulated it when they came in, they made things worse. They started a bout of very heavy, significant fighting at a peace march. I was seventeen then, and swept along into it and then learned when I joined up with the assassins how it was. It hurts still, sometimes. Neither the assassins or the templars started what’s wrong in my country, but the templars did blow it up to extremes neither side seemed to want. When I remember it, my mouth moves too fast for my brain.”
He shakes his head a moment, glances down, then makes a quick sign of the cross. “I’ve been working at controlling it, but there are times…” he glances up. “I need to ask for help. But my religion...luckily, I’ve got fantastic people willing. If you’d consider forgiving me too, that’d help. But you’re not under obligation. It doesn’t work quite like that.”
Balthier shakes his head. “You mostly - you mostly sounded like you wanted Templars to suffer? Versus - wanting just people who might be one. That’s the part that scares me. When you hate that much, that someone in the wrong place, at the wrong time is a target -” He trails off. “I mean - Jacob didn’t say that in so many words, but I think he - he’d do that thing. You know the - the creed says it’s wrong, but I could, if I wanted to, and then it’d be right. Sort of - relishing. It’s probably my nerves reading it that way -”
Shaun winces, and glances just at Tadgh, who grimaces back at him, and for a moment, they’re sharing a nod, just between them, tiny, but it’s there.
“I do, sometimes.” Tadgh admits. “I struggle not to see in all their faces, and there are times I overstep my bounds, but I’ve at least stopped myself before going back to what I used to be. Hate turned me into something I didn’t want. But it’s a process, not a finished outcome. As for Jacob…”
“Jacob’s what I’ve started worrying about.” Shaun frowns in Isannah’s direction, knowing that she knows, at least a little about what he’s going to say. “I...some of what I’d heard Aedan was saying sounded a LOT like him...and he’s had problems in the past, before Evie stepped down as mentor, with some statements about Arno and Grandmaster Kenway. And today I found out more. You’re just confirming there’s a bigger problem than I’d thought at work with him. I don’t think it’s your nerves. And I don’t think it’s acceptable now that I’ve gotten wind of it.”
“Is Aedan all right? Is Jacob?” Balthier looks worried. “I think he was upset that his sister was - talking about being a werewolf. And running around with that Shay fellow.”
“Aedan’s…” Shaun considers how to to answer that. “I didn’t literally bite his head off, if it helps?” he tries. “No, actually, we had a decent conversation after I spoke to Noah. There were a few...notions I needed to disabuse him of. I left him sort of brooding on them, and on his understanding of the creed, but he’s not hurt, and things needed to be said. Jacob...I’m intending to deal with that.” If the words are at all ominous, Shaun doesn’t exactly notice.
Though the Evie thing is…
“Shay Cormac is one of those cases...he used to be one of us.” Shaun explains. “A couple of centuries ago. The brotherhood failed him, out of ignorance and greed, and he turned to the templars as the only ones who could help him to set things right. I don’t believe the one who cropped up here has turned yet, though he’s definitely been through what caused him to make the split. In Jacob’s timeline...he would only see the traitor. I only saw him too, for a long time after that fortnight where we lost our collective shit. It’s probably contributed. It hardly justifies it, or the way I let it fester.”
He knows that there are personal issues too, but Shaun’s figuring on those being things that are up to Jacob to pursue fixing, somehow.
Balthier hesitates. “I mostly - I thought that it was - I hoped that it wasn’t so ruthless. It was terrifying to think that what happened to me might be something that someone would approve of, if I had the wrong alliances. And - with Aedan being young and vulnerable. You can see the - small things seeming worse? And I don’t know - Jacob said some -” He trails off.
He hesitates. “It’s private, you know? We were trying to negotiate, and he - kind of - assumed that I was lying. I was trying to - seem safe, but -”
“To negotiate..” Tadgh blinks a little. “That’s right, you do that for just about everything involved in spending time with people, where you’re from, isn’t it? If it’s private, not to do with assassins or templars, you haven’t got to tell us that. Jacob being a rude little shite...it’s not the kind of thing we’re able to do much about. I’d personally suggest he talk to you, to try to make things right, if I was asked, but…”
But, it’s also not AS important as him being dangerous. “I’d hear you out on that, off the record, but, that’s an offer.”
“Not an order.” Shaun nods. “If you’re not comfortable, then you aren’t obligated.”
Balthier looks at Isannah. “His sister implied that he - has a present partner who’s kind of creepy? And - uh - that Roth fellow was also pretty bad. But . . . .” He trails off. “I think I should talk about it with you, Tadgh, if you want. And I’d owe you a decent beer or something. It’s personal matters. Probably not anything you’d want to listen to Fawkes. He kind of implied he thought I wanted sex, which is - odd, but he wasn’t exactly polite about it in a way too.”
“Oh geez.” Shaun nods, wincing a little. He’s thinking about the Damien incident with Balthier and how sex coming into things in general does tend to create minor disasters. Why is it that he of all people seems to be the only assassin to have managed to pull off sleeping with someone under field conditions and not having it turn dramatic or end badly?
...Well, okay, it ended PRETTY badly, but not badly because of anything he or Rebecca had done in THAT context. He’d let her get shot and killed because he sucks and his reflexes are shit and she shouldn’t have helped him, or taken the bullet for him, but the point remains that Shaun seems to be the one person among this lot to have managed not to interject that kind of drama into things around. ...Well, when Aedan’s fulltime with them, there’ll be two, but…
“I can clear out, if you wanted now, for a bit. Go and have a look at the scenery, see if anything’s happening with the invaders or whatever they are.”
Balthier winces. “I wasn’t even asking for that, you know? I didn’t think it’d be a good idea, with me sleeping this badly, and by Archadian rules, you always make sure you can trust them to not spread stories and that you can sleep in the same room before you do more than sleep. Well - that’s the - storybook romance sort of best practices rules. Not everyone does that.” He looks at Falcon. “You could chalk it all up to - I get the feeling that men being physically close was inappropriate in his era.” Which - surely there was physical contact even with the social stigma? “I don’t know. If you want to step out, you could, Fawkes?”
“It’d get you arrested. Up until very recently, in fact in THIS country. In some...more than arrested even right NOW,” Tadgh nods, a little hesitant.. “And if the wrong people came along...people’ve had worse to contend with than that, even in this world. It’s not legal to do that to people now, but I saw that it’s happened to some of the people here. They’ve written about it. Being attacked and all. Seems like it must be better than it was for people, but it’s not been easy.”
The assassins have always welcomed all sorts of people among themselves, to the point that hasn’t been a problem he’s seen anyone dealing with while he’s been one, but there were always stories from other places, dim threats...rumors. It’s probably actually better Balthier’s aware that there are people and places in the world like that, as gently as he can put it, so it might not happen to him.
“And ordinary physical contact, sure. It’s all a bit odd actually. You’d have people forming really close friendships, ones that bordered on being, or looking like they were something more, without crossing that line.” Tadgh frowns. “Bit confusing, the victorians, though they weren’t the only ones. And...that’s not what was going on there but…” He nods. “So Jacob ah...rejected what he perceived to be advances and were general friendship gestures from you and he did it kind of rudely?”
Probably more than, but it’s the best phrasing that Tadgh has.
“He implied I was having - groups with my sister and Basch. Which -” Balthier makes a face. “I get that Basch is a twin, and he’s a twin, but I thought at the time that it was a weird - he assumed for some reason that I thought family should be close like that. And then - uh - he talked a lot about how touch was horrible for him and I was asking the world because I mentioned that physical contact - even just having someone sitting nearby was grounding. Which - he’s welcome to not like contact? There’s nothing wrong with that.”
He hesitates and searches for the words. “It sounded honest. His discomfort and his fear to say that he didn’t want something. Which - I can sympathize with that. I can hate the world that made him feel that way.” He looks down at his tea mug. “But . . . later, looking back at it, the - talk of things he did not do, I wondered if - what he was saying was my one request that he . . . he be civil to Basch, because Basch is important to me - that was the issue and not the - request that we be friendly, and sit and talk.”
“That’s…” Tadgh blinks a little, trying to take all of that in, and ends up shutting his eyes a second and swallowing nearly half his tea then and there.
“What exactly, when you talked about things, did you SAY? I’m not trying..it’s just an odd assumption that’s got me wondering how the idea got in his head is all. I know that he and Damien and Lucifer have...gone off together a few times, and THOSE two are related, but…” He shakes his head. “It’s a pretty bizarre leap, you understand, I’m just wondering what words might’ve...how far it’ll take to clear things up with him, and what he possibly interpreted that badly. Not saying that you did anything.”
And the rest of that’s...there was a time not long ago he wouldn’t have been willing to do the Basch thing either, due to the templar thing, and Tadgh’s still not sure that he could handle if he were asked to talk to Sebastian, or be nice to the man, based on, well, a couple of factors, both of which are kind of unfair, though he’ll try. “It could’ve been the issue, mind, if this was during the templar...stuff.”
“It was.” Balthier makes a face. “I told him that - in Archades, you called it sharing a bed. And then I told him that - I know - it’s - suggestive. But I know I’m not there. And - just - having someone I could trust to have around would - help a lot. And he was worried about having - too many people around. Which - I thought was . . . odd? Since he knows more people than I do? So I said the only people who might be around was - you know - my sister, or Basch, since Basch is important to me.”
He hugs a knee and - he’s pretty sure he looks uncomfortable. He feels uncomfortable. “That was - that week or two that everyone was weird? I was having - panic attacks. I kept - waking up and not thinking I was there and I couldn’t just - hold it back. The fear. I couldn’t fake being fine. Basch visited? Shaun said it was fine, and it helped. He met Jacob even, since I said it was important, that - in - in Archades that you should at least get to know people who might be in the house. For - comfort reasons.”
“Oh. That’s...OH.” Tadgh’s flushing a little himself, nodding at the suggestive bit, and then the…”All right. That makes...quite a lot more sense. It’s still a leap, but it’s a ...let’s chalk that up to cultural differences. You’re not doing anything wrong, I might add, and he shouldn’t have been a complete dick about it, but...sounds like he heard something different than you were saying. Not knowing straight off it was a cultural thing, the idea of someone just straight out asking me about that, after I’d not known him very long...it’d be a little odd for me too, I’ll be honest.”
And that week or two is ingrained in all their minds, so Tadgh is nodding.”Seems reasonable, considering. But he took it as a...sort of prelude, I’m guessing. Why, I’m not so sure. Roth…” He shakes his head. “I think he was more...well, I’ve seen the videos from it. Rather fond of throwing surprise elements Jacob’s way, AFTER he’d started to trust him. They weren’t romantic, that kiss was...something else, besides implying an interest, and it came after he’d changed the rules a couple times already. If Jacob wanted that, which he might have, you see where anything related after...it’d be cause for some kind of disgust and fear. You’re not disgusting, mate, but the idea of someone coming in and doing that, of springing things and not getting an okay...I see where it’d create conditions.”
“You showed me that video. After you wanted to explain what the leap of faith was. Because Jacob wanted me to watch it, and - his sister approached me afterwards and wanted to know if I’d ever hurt him.” Balthier makes a face. “They knew that Basch was important to me, and they still - he never balked until I said that I wasn’t able to be a good physical partner like that. Even if - if I was confusing, I told him that he was in control. He could set hard limits on anything he wanted, but -”
Balthier can’t put words on it. If he assumes that Jacob believed that he just wanted to be friends, then why show him that video of Roth? If Jacob assumed he wanted to be - what’s the term? Friends with benefits, than why was Basch an issue after Balthier said sex wasn’t on the menu? “He never wanted to hear what I wanted. I just kept getting told that I was bizarre and that I wanted way too much. And that seemed - unhealthy. I pulled back. I made myself give you two that video of - of Basch in the prison. So you’d - have an idea what’d happened to me. To us. And . . . Jacob didn’t . . . .”
“Yours wouldn’t do the same if she thought there was somebody possibly in your life?” Tadgh wonders, clearly curious about that. “He might’ve had her checking after, to see how you’d react, and Evie might have run with, well, like you said, Lucifer’s no prize in the dating department. A bit of that could be on her hoping that someone who’d lure him away had turned up. And did she know about Basch, then? Jacob, obviously, but I’m finding you can’t assume much with the Fryes. They’re constantly shifting gears. And Jacob’s long ago accepted that the one he really wants...it’s just not gonna happen. If he HAD thought you were interested in the benefits side of things, he’d have maybe…”
Tadgh pauses, tracing the outline of one of his tattoos, where it’s coming out of his sleeve and peaking through a little. “There’re things you don’t do with your casual friends. It’s possible he didn’t realize that’s what’s you were after, after what you’d said about how you do things at home and he’d have probably pulled away, because...you don’t. And then, if he’d thought it was misrepresented...I can see where if you’re Jacob...you’d be furious. There’s stuff you only do with people that you’re sleeping with, or SOMETIMES, you’re related to. Saying you wanted to do some of those things, to his mind, and then backing off...it’s an entirely different social SPHERE for him. And God only knows...Not saying it happened to him, he’s never mentioned, but it’d probably be in his head from the time he realized what he was...there’s people who’ve led others on, same gender people, I’d imagine mostly that’d be men, but I’m not trying to say a woman couldn’t to another, in an effort to find that sort of thing out, to use against them. Cops have done it, gangs have done it…”
Tadgh doesn’t feel much of a need to go on with describing what can happen to people there. It’s mostly clear already.
“If you come away from something like that, thinking someone misrepresented themself to you and you’ve been living in those sorts of social...realities, you’re probably going to be standoffish and it’s probably going to be awful to be all that close to them for a while. Doesn’t excuse what he said or how he said it, but...it might be what he’s feeling now.”
Balthier shivers and tries to concentrate on the texture of his sketchbook. “That’s . . . look - that first night - that was when we had those storms knocking the power out. And . . . that’s when I mentioned to him, at home, there’d be a simple way to ask if someone wanted to stay a while and chat and make sure they were comf -” He stops. “It doesn’t matter.” You don’t carry a puppy in and just sit with people if you’re that scared. But - who wants to hear him out?
Tadgh frowns at that, shaking his head a bit. “It matters if you’re still feeling upset by it. I’m only trying to...there’s no excuse for what he said, or implied, or the fact he made you feel like there’s something wrong with you because of how you are. I’m saying if he misinterpreted things that much, thought you were aiming for the other sort of friendship and then you pulled back, it’d maybe spark a bit of fear that wasn’t there before. I don’t know how to...it’s not something I’ve had to live with, I’m just trying to make sense of how it came about. He’s got a bad habit of jumping into conclusions, grandiose plots and schemes and not exactly listening to details. His first day in London, he decided he was going to start a gang and take down all the other gangs.”
And, okay, it’s not the same thing as seemingly starting and ending a friendship, but it’s a good point about Jacob that Tadgh feels like he should make.
“That’s not exactly someone who thinks things through clearly, or hears all that you’re saying, even if he’s listening at the time. It’s something that he’s lousy with, I’m only trying to explain where it might have come from. Alternately, he liked you and he thought you liked him too, and felt rejected...there’re practically archives of the shite things people do in cases like that in this day and age. Segments of the internet devoted to it. He’s in the wrong for how he treated you, I”m not saying he’s not. I’m only trying to show you some reasons. I get that to your mind, you were doing everything that you knew to be right. It sounds like you followed all the rules you knew before he got upset, and things seemed to be going well, but you can’t know, for sure what’s going on the other guy’s head. I’m not trying to accuse you, and I GET that you’re upset, but, frankly, I’m not seeing much changing if that’s what’s going on with him. It might be best that you don’t try if for whatever reason, you’re all this incompatible now. You haven’t got to do anything you don’t want to, or give anything up to make him comfortable, but that may mean you’re not friends in the way you want.”
“That’s . . . .” Balthier stops and tries to pay attention to what Tadgh’s trying to say, instead of just - trying to either get his words out as fast as possible before someone slams the door or he gets drowned out by his father yelling or something. “I just meant . . . that neither you nor him, went to me, after you saw that video. You knew neither of us were Templars then. You see why it was a sticking point? Aedan showing up, and just - delighted every moment he was there, and Iomhar just utterly relaxed and happy, but -”
“Were we meant to then?” Tadgh’s taking a moment to be surprised.
“Honestly, no, that didn’t occur to me. And at the time, I was still thinking Basch might be. I did say there are times I struggle...it was hard to care about Basch when I thought he might have been one, one way or the other. When I thought he might be a templar it was only something he deserved, for being one. Again I wasn’t at my best, and someone who might have signed on here’s usually a pretty awful excuse for being a human or a...whatever else you’d class someone who you think of as rational and functioning and all of that. When I thought he was someone who’d have willingly chosen the life, I’m not going to deny that I don’t mind it if they’ve suffered. There’s something wrong with all of them. Knowing now that he isn’t, having thought it through, I see where that’s a problem that we jumped. And for my part, I’m sorry.”
Balthier winces. “That was after you heard they weren’t. From them. But - it doesn’t matter, does it.” He looks out the window. “Apology accepted. At least I had the spine to show you what my father was - doing to me, because he was angry that I wanted to rescue Basch.”
Tadgh sighs, and nods at the acceptance, though he’s not sure what else he’s meant to do here. Templars are still templars and until Noah confirmed they weren’t, he’d let himself think otherwise. He knows now it was wrong, but… “You did. I do appreciate that you were able to do that. I’d no idea that it was something you would want to talk about after the fact. I should have checked.”
Balthier’s not sure if it’s just - the pattern of showing him that mess with Roth and then Evie coming to see how he reacted and them - just assuming because it happened to Basch as well as him - how can he put that in words? “I mostly thought - even if you didn’t like Basch, it was clearer than trying to explain why I keep waking up and finding myself reaching up and clutching the headboard or things like that . . . . The - trying to explain the nightmares isn’t easy when you don’t know what Nalbina’s dungeons mean, as a place and an - entity.”
“So those are the bigger issues, putting Basch aside.” Tadgh nods. “I’d no idea you would want anyone to talk about...things like that. Nightmares, I mean, or what’s caused them. Or that it’d help you do it. Now that I DO know...it’s a bit different isn’t it? Again, I had assumed that...well you’d want to be alone with that. “
Doesn’t everyone? Well, apparently not at this point. So, it IS good to know so he can make a note of checking in. And Tadgh owes him that, since he’s here, and one of them, or close to it.
“I was then.” Balthier uncurls enough to set his sketchbook down. “When they didn’t bring me up to talk to someone.” He drains his tea and leans to snag the insulated cup thing to refill it. “Either way, as you said, Jacob was miscommunicating, and it was a misunderstanding.” That’s - what’d Isannah say? Stop caring about things and just get past it? It’s a lot easier, knowing at least that - Fawkes and Falcon agree that calling random people Templars can be - a risky cliff to jump off of. Maybe?
Tadgh blinks at that. “Well, now I know that was wrong, I can do better next time, if it helps you. I’d assume most things like that aren’t ones that you’d tell anyone but for you they are. That’s not a crime, or wrong, just something I don’t know. Well, didn’t know. Does it help if I say I’ll try harder next time to consider, not what I’m used to but what you’d want?”
A part of him really wishes Evie wasn’t so obviously terrifying since this seems like the kind of situation a woman would understand so much easier than he can, but since she is, and since Shaun’s kind of emotionally a wrecked wasteland, he’s glad to take it on. Well, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, but if it helps, he’s willing.
“Jacob got things mixed up, likely, being Jacob, one way or the other, and I think he’d be concerned if he knew how badly it was making you feel .” And then… “Look, I should have asked if you wanted to stay alone after that, gone to check. I can try doing better next time, making mental notes sort of, that you don’t want to be alone with things...would anything help right now that I could do?”
Balthier blinks at him, and has a - honestly startled smile before reaching to pat nearish Tadgh’s shoulder. “That’s - I feel like I should be offering you a blanket and some of the good crackers from the bottom of the bag here. I mean - there’s -” He makes a slight face. He’s angry, yes, at that mushy sort of unease at Jacob’s reactions and his own paranoia, but - Tadgh sounds honestly like he’s upset that Balthier is upset even if he doesn’t understand the full picture. “Isannah’d probably want to be there too, thinking about it. They have cutscene things for fighting my father in the game. And you can see why he’s mad. Someone lovingly did all the weird - he didn’t stand up straight some of the time, and the animator caught his body language. And he taunts Gabranth, in the other fight, and it’s exactly the way we’d have fights at home. It’s not - pleasant, watching it. But - the image of sitting there, afterwards, and listening to Isannah plot that we’d be safe no matter what happened - that doesn’t sound as bad. Does that make sense?”
He takes a shaky breath. “It’s hard for me to fully comprehend - how much the Templar, as an ideology, hurt you and your order. Even with my - half formed conclusions that the Templar don’t exist where I’m from, because we never escaped. But - thank you. For - hearing me out? And being willing to offer to try to - at least fumble with the spyglass to find where my heading is going, at least?”
Tadgh is upset and he probably should have looked beyond the default that he knows to be the case with most of them, and this problem wouldn’t be AS bad right now, but..at least they ARE trying to fix it. He does nod, at Balthier’s words.
“I think that if it would help, we could do that. And..that IS weirdly scary I think. But we could make that happen, if it comes again, the next time, when you need it. And..” He’s taking a breath of his own. “It’s hard for me, thinking about...I suppose you default to the ways you know of solving problems when they’re building and then threatening to overtake you, or you wake up scared of something you saw in a dream. And sure, I’m willing to fumble, and the templar...there’s a lot that I can show you, where it might explain. Be patient with me, if you can, if I can ask that, but I’ll work on this if you will.”
Balthier nods sharply. “And what about you? I’d be tempted to suggest we see if we can lure Fawkes back over to actually at least sit if not rest, but - what’d help you, right now? Because I should offer you the same patience I’m extending your way.” He should really - his father would totally leap on it, if he admitted it, but - Isannah’s here, and he’s not there. “I’m - I know I’m being uneasy about the way the wind’s blowing lately. I wish I could fake it better, but - I’m trying. So - call it making up for that?”
What about him? Tadgh blinks a little, since he DOES feel like he’s mostly fine, personally. There’s the Jacob thing they’ll have to handle, which is bound to get...rough, but, for right now? “I’m good, I think. Grabbing him would be a good idea. He’s probably corrected someone’s grammar by now. Repeatedly.”
“I’ll do that, then. You can check the options. The good crackers on on the left. Whole meal something or another, but they’re pretty tasty.” Balthier looks at Tadgh and fiddles with his sleeve cuff. “Thank you. It . . . it’s not easy, putting things like this to words.”
“I...wish I could do more, but thank YOU for trying to be patient with all this.” Tadgh pauses. “Whatever something comes to, I don’t mean to give up, if that makes sense? I’m in this, for the long haul, right?”
Balthier leans on the doorway and smiles at him. “You are. And . . . I wish there was some way to put it that - Jacob, I don’t think meant harm? I just don’t - know how to say it, or to remind myself. But - right. I’ll get Fawkes. Before he recounts history and grammar at someone.”
“Just in case.” Tadgh nods. “And Jacob...we’ve got a lot to mention to him. Or Shaun does, I’m hoping I get out of it.” He doesn’t want to hear the awkward dressing down that’s sure to come because of the templar situation. The not templar situation, since it’s not like it was something that they caused this time. “Jacob’s a...we’ll talk to him and see what’s going on there, all right?”
Balthier nods. “It worries me that he - saying no to me seemed to be an issue. That - shouldn’t be hard, you know?” He sighs. “Right - I’ll grab Fawkes.”
“That’s definitely a...we need to talk. We might ALL need to talk, together, down the road, but.” He leans over, putting a hand on Balthier’s shoulder briefly. “It’s not something to worry about now and if you can’t, you can’t. No questions asked about why. I think that once he understands, he’s going to want to apologize to you, but if you can’t be near him as it’s happening, there’re other ways to make that happen too.”
Balthier’s shoulder frankly feels way too tense, but he doesn’t pull away, and - well - judging by the smile, he doesn’t mind. “It’s . . . we could probably pass on the apology too. It is cultural, as you said, some of it. I can’t expect the world to be home.” He looks back at the window. “Definitely not right now. None of those things in the sky even hum the way they should.”