Santana A. Lopez (thechosenlopez) wrote in angellogs, @ 2014-02-01 21:48:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, brittany pierce, santana lopez |
Who: Santana Lopez & Brittany Pierce
When: 01/13/14 (backdated)
Where: Angel Grove lake
What: hanging out/catching up
Warnings: None
Santana wasn’t sure what had made her ask Brittany to hang out. When Brittany had Lsuggested having a picnic, that had sounded like too much of a date thing. Santana was still a mess of feelings when it came to Brittany. She would always love her, but she also wasn’t sure that she could forget that Brittany had chosen Sam over her. Stupid Trouty Mouth. That was… well, it had hurt a lot. Santana didn’t know if this was a good idea, but she’d been thinking about Brittany a lot. And they did have things to iron out.
So, she went to the store, and got some things together. She didn’t feel like cooking, and it’s not like she had much of a kitchen in the room she was renting. She really needed to look into getting a place. Santana was glad that Brittany had a place to stay. And a new friend. Although, Santana wasn’t sure what she thought of the girl Brittany was staying with. She wasn’t going to decide until she had to. If this girl was nice to Brittany, then she would be okay with it.
After she had some fried chicken, mac and cheese, chicken salad, and some apple pie in a picnic basket, she got directions to the lake and picked out a spot, settling on the beach with the blanket spread out.
Brittany strolled through the park humming to herself. She was dressed impeccably and she couldn’t even remember how it had happened. She had found a perfect 60’s styles dress. Bold black polka dots on white with a matching headband. Her blond hair flowed freely underneath it as she swayed back and forth. She was wondering where Santana had decided to have their picnic - but right now, she was happy to just be in the sun and listen to the birds tweet.
She smiled, it lighting up her surroundings even more. She felt classic, she felt like a throwback. It was just a lovely dress and put her in such a good mood. As she rounded the corner and saw the lake, she saw Santana and stopped. Hiding behind a tree, she watched her former lady love set up. She still was thrown off by the accusations that she dated Sam. It was crazy, and even Blaine said so. But they must have eaten the yucky mushrooms that grew outside the auditorium. She spied on Santana and then began to sneak up, her dress bouncing off the upper part of her knees.
When she finally got to Santana, she quickly covered her eyes with her hands. “Guess who” she said, a huge smile on her face.
Santana almost reached back with her arm, but she recognized Brittany’s voice almost immediately. She didn’t know what to say, now that she was actually here. She did her best not to flip out, it’s not like she was really ready to have it be more, right? Santana had to admit, she had been thinking something more might happen when Brittany had gone to MIT, but it hadn’t. She said, “Brittany.” She did her best to calm her heart after she lifted Brittany’s hands from her eyes.
Then she got a good look at her. At first, she was immediately imagining that dress pushed up Brittany’s waist as she tried to get at her panties, but then she thought she looked really nice. If it was a bit of a throwback to the 60s. That was tripping her up the most. She arched an eyebrow, trying to figure out why Brittany was dressed that way.
“Where’d you get the dress, Britt?”
Brittany smiled, spinning around a bit, showing off the dress. She was happy to be back around Santana - even if Santana had just broken up with her. Brittany understood why they broke up, but it still hurt. She still couldn’t grasp the whole Sam thing, but since it wasn’t her, she didn’t care.
“Do you like it?” she asked, blushing a bit and looking down. “I found it. I don’t even remember where, but it fit perfectly so it was meant for me” she said with a huge smile. “So, what is there to eat? I am starving!” Brittany looked Santana up and down. She looked older, more womanly, more refined. More everything. She licked her lips and quickly looked at the picnic basket instead of Santana.
Santana was busy trying to keep herself from drooling. She didn’t want to show off that much of herself just yet. Santana was technically still with Dani, even if she was here in Angel Grove. She had to admit, she was liking the warmth of California. It was gorgeous here. She didn’t know if she really believed the Power Rangers were real, but if Brittany wanted to then that was fine with her. Santana really didn’t think that she could believe in stuff like that without proof.
“I do like it….” Santana said, unable to keep from drooling a little. Santana had to admit, Brittany looked incredibly gorgeous. She didn’t know how she could have lost her. Santana had thought that no matter who was in and out of her life, Brittany would never be one of those people. She would always be best friends with her. Brittany didn’t know how she was missing her, Santana was sure. Mostly because Santana did her best to keep herself guarded. She liked to do so so she didn’t get hurt.
“I got fried chicken, mac and cheese, chicken salad, and some apple pie.” She said, when she had her voice back.
“It fits so perfectly” Brittany said, bowing her head down a bit, playing it off as bashful. “The food smells delicious” she said, sitting down across from Santana, smoothing her dress out as she sat. “And I’m glad you like my dress. It just felt right.”
Brittany started unpacking the basket and setting out plates and drinks mindful of Santana and always trying to keep an eye on her.
“I love mac and cheese” she said. “It’s so cheesy. Do you want me to make you a plate, San?” she asked, looking at her former lady love. “You picked a great spot. I love it”
Santana was working on keeping her drool to herself. She didn’t know how she was going to make it through this lunch without letting Brittany know how much she wanted to jump her. “I am glad you liked the spot I picked out, B.” She said, and she meant that. Santana ran her hand through her hair, and then pulled out one of the sodas she’d bought and opened it. She took a sip, trying to keep herself from drooling. Brittany was so sexy.
It really wasn’t fair.
“Ok, I’m going to make you a plate” Brittany said. She found a paper plate and started putting a bit of each food on it. After making the plate look good, she put it in front of Santana and then started making a plate for herself. After she finished, she put it down in front of her and tossed her hair back.
“San, is everything ok?” Brittany said, her eyes full and piercing into Santana. “I mean, with us?”
When Brittany put the plate in front of her, she had to work to not show that she thought that was sweet. it was harder to remember right then that Brittany had chosen Sam over her. Not that Santana really had a right to be angry about that, because she shouldn’t. She had broken up with Brittany, the other girl had a right to choose whether she wanted to be with someone else or not. Santana just couldn’t help the irrational anger that she felt. She’d always had that anger inside her, though.
“I…. yeah, everything’s fine.” Santana said, she just couldn’t bring herself to hurt her, make that adorable face sad. It was like clubbing a puppy.
“Ok, good” Brittany said, smiling. She picked up her plate and ate some of the mac and cheese and her body relaxed as the deliciousness moved through her body. She could feel the warmth of the cheese spread into her body. “This is sooo good” she said. “You got the perfect stuff” as she started digging into the other foods.
“So” she said, her mouth full of food. “How do you like it?” she asked waving a chicken leg around.
Santana was glad that Brittany enjoyed it. Although, when the day came that she couldn’t get something that Brittany would like, she would just give up. She knew Brittany very well, and prided herself into finding something that the other girl would eat. She took a bite of chicken, and pondered whether it was good or not. She supposed it was, it just wasn’t as good as she would have made. She prided herself on being able to cook well. It was just her thing.
“It’s good.” She said finally, after she took a bite of mac and cheese. She was hoping that they could work through this weirdness that she felt, but the blonde probably didn’t feel the same weirdness. “I just could have made better.”
Brittany laughed as she kept eating. “I didn’t mean that, Santana” Brittany giggled. “Though I know you’d make better. I meant, this. Not being in Lima or New York. And just being you and me. Without anyone else. Besides Kurt and Blaine, but they don’t count” Brittany said. “It is you and me, right? Or did I skip ahead in the choose your own adventure?”
“Oh, that… I don’t know. I am not sure if I am used to it just yet.” Santana said, this place was incredibly hot and sunny constantly, and she wasn’t sure that she could get used to that. Especially when she’d been in New York, and had really been enjoying it. It had been a good thing, and she had liked it. She supposed that this place couldn’t be too bad, but she was reserving judgment.
Although, it was true that Brittany was here. “I am glad you’re here.” She allowed, her brown eyes meeting Brittany’s blue ones.
Brittany finished what was on her plate and wiped her hands and mouth. Full, she rolled onto her side, looking at Santana. It was one of those looks where someone could see that Brittany's mind was working and truly engaged. She didn't say anything for what seemed like an eternity, just looking at her friend. "What are we doing here?" She asked Santana. "And I know what I'm asking. So tell me the truth. I know what I'm doing here. I know what I want" she said as she shifted slightly on the blanket.
Santana wasn’t sure how to answer that. “I… I care about you, Brittany. I really do. I don’t know how I’m going to…. I don’t know how we’re going to get past all this… that I feel. I know you don’t have the same memories that I do. I just…. I want to figure things out, but I don’t know how we can. The last thing that I remember is I had a girlfriend in New York.” That was true, and she still missed Dani, but if she was honest, Brittany was where her heart would always lie.
"What is there to get past?" Brittany asked, her smile becoming a frown. She started playing with her hair absentmindedly. "I don't understand. I didn't do anything wrong. You broke up with me. I understand that long distance relationships are hard. But we're here now. It's not hard to figure out. It's easier than figuring out what Lord Tubbington needs to eat for dinner." Her hands dropped from her hair after a few moments. "I don't care if you had someone in New York. As long as I have you now" she said, her voice slightly cracking. "I thought this was our get back together picnic" she said, barely above a whisper while looking down.
Santana sighed. She hated to make Brittany sad like that. She hated to upset her period. She took a bite of chicken, trying to distract herself enough so she could say something. Santana ran her hand through her own hair, trying to decide what to say. She didn’t know if she could hold out too long, Brittany was the best thing to ever happen to her. Santana didn’t know if it would be a good idea to get back together right now. She still couldn’t get Brittany picking Sam over her out of her mind. Santana knew that Brittany was from a different time, but it’s not like she could erase that memory. It was burned in her brain forever. And she definitely regretted breaking up with her, but she couldn’t change the past.
She wished she could. And it wasn’t the first time that Britt had chosen a guy over her, she’d chosen Stumples McCripple Pants over her, too. She wasn’t angry about that anymore, since she’d won in the end. “I wish I could take that back, Britt.” She said, her eyes brimming with tears. “I hate hurting you.. I know you don’t believe that right now.” It was hard to believe, and she knew that. “I don’t exactly understand this time thing… but I do know that you came from a different one than me. You don’t have the same memories I do.”
“We don’t share a brain” Brittany said. “We don’t have to have the same memories” she said, looking down. Brittany wasn’t sure what to do. Part of her wanted to run away, the other part wanted to try and force Santana. Force what though, she had no idea. She shook her head, the blond hair flowing behind her head. Instead, she crawled around the blanket to sit next to Santana. They were always better together than apart, even if it was physical distance. She took one of Santana’s hands in hers, holding it.
“Kiss me” Brittany whispered. “Kiss me and it will all go away” she said, looking at Santana directly.
Santana didn’t know what to say. She didn’t think that it was going to make a difference. She didn’t know how to get that moment in the auditorium out of her head. And Brittany leaving to go to MIT. She didn’t blame Brittany for going, though. Especially when she hadn’t had such good grades in high school. Santana couldn’t pull away when the other girl took her hand. She couldn’t ever really say no to her. She wished she could sometimes. Mostly because she didn’t want to. It was hard to.
“I…. I don’t know that I should.”
Brittany just looked into Santana’s eyes, holding her hands with one of Santana’s. “Kiss me” she said again. “I’ll make you feel like you should”
Santana thought it would be such a bad idea. She was afraid that Brittany would think it was them getting back together. “I… if I do, it doesn’t mean we’re back together.” She hedged.
“Why not?” Brittany said. “What is it going to take, San?” Brittany said, slowly choking back any emotions.
“I don’t know!” Santana finally burst out. This was the worst idea ever. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do. She should have never suggested this. She wasn’t sure why she had.
“Fine” Brittany said, standing up suddenly and rubbing her eyes. “I don’t what else to do. I’m being punished and it’s unfair. You’re being unfair to me and there’s no way that I can compete against your future memories. This sucks” she said, her voice catching in her throat.
Santana hated to see her leave. She just couldn’t find the words to stop her. “Britt, I’m sorry, I really am! I don’t know what… I don’t know what can be done, okay? I wish I did. I don’t know how to make this right. Don’t you think that I want that too? I do… more than anything. I wish I could take it back. I wish that I could go back in time and not break up with you, but I can’t. I can’t change anything. All I can do is sit here and know that I messed up, and you started dating Sam. I don’t know how to change any of that. And I’m not mad at you, Brittany. I’m not. I’m mostly mad at myself for breaking up with you in the first place.” Tears had started pouring down her cheeks, and she buried her head in her arms.
“If you really wanted to, you would” Brittany said, not turning around but keeping her back to Santana. “You just broke up with me. It wasn’t that long ago for me. So I’m back in that time. I am that time. And for the last time, I didn’t date Sam. Please stop saying that. I can’t compete, I can’t have you if you keep saying things like that. It’s not me” she said, her voice choking at points. “I’m right here Santana. Right in front of you and you won’t even take me. You won’t even give anything a chance.”
Santana really wished that she could give Brittany a chance. She really did. She just wasn’t sure she could. She still couldn’t get Brittany picking Sam over her in her head. She wasn’t sure it was very fair of her, either. That was the sad part. She knew that Brittany was from a different time, so she didn’t have the same memories. It was some kind of sci fi bullshit that she didn’t really understand.
“I have to go, this was a bad idea.” She said, standing. She couldn’t do this. She was wrong to think she could, she wasn’t ready.
“Fine” Brittany said softly. She didn’t turn around, she just started walking down one of the walking paths, the way she had come. Her head was down and she wasn’t watching where she was going, but she knew her feet would walk her home. They always did. Silent tears rolled down her face, but she knew she wasn’t going to look back.
Santana gathered up the lunch things, and tears were filling with tears. She couldn’t see she was so upset.
Brittany kept walking, she walked until she got tired and she sat down on a bench. It looked out over the water. Her stomach grumbled - she was still hungry. And so much more. She sat on the bench just looking at the water, watching ducks swim by. She wasn’t sure what to do now. She had done everything she could except get naked in front of Santana. And even then, she didn’t know if that would work. She shook her head and just let her head slowly look down as tears continued down her face. This was not how today was supposed to have worked out.