nate (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _forgettable) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} angelesic,@ 2025-05-03 11:06:00 |
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nate park
tomas rojas
WHAT: night time picnic so tom doesn't look weird talking to himself
WHERE: outskirts of LA somewhere private and where you can see the stars
WHEN: after valborg, before nate outs himself to kit
WARNINGS:sad, cute, insinuated alcoholism, cult talk, psychology stuff
STATUS: complete
Schrödinger had nothing on Tomas today. This both was and wasn't a date.
Was this a date? It felt like a date. How the fuck did he end up going out on a date? They never said it was a date and really, the time of day was mostly so Tomas didn't look like a weirdo talking to himself and there'd be less likelihood anyone would see them. That's what Nate was telling himself, anyway, to keep his cool. Because this? This was scary. This was hanging out with a man you were crushing on who was a teacher at a school you definitely could never go to and who your organization was most certainly against you fraternizing with. Nate was walking a fine line. Fucking Kit. Oh well, fuck it. Nathaniel Park was willing to die on this hill because he'd never felt like a real person more than he did now. If that was going to be taken away, what did it matter? He had his location on for Tomas, and had set out a blanket, and that's where the sophisticated niceness ended. He brought mostly still warm pizza wrapped in foil, beer, cheese balls in Ziploc bags, some waters, and that was it. So, he'd never been on a picnic before and he didn't have much to show for it. Found me yet? he texted.
Schrödinger had nothing on Tomas today. This both was and wasn't a date. It was dinner together, at night, and they were both clearly into each other. Tomas actually couldn't think of reasons why this wouldn't be a date, other than he wouldn't want to date me and Tomas Elliott Rojas él tiene la mitad de tu edad in his mother's voice. Yes, he knew Nate was half his age, he told his mother's imaginary voice in his head. But it wasn't like he was going to be able to do anything but pine so, whatever. He was heading to the pin that Nate had dropped him when he got the text. Just about. Then, a few seconds later, I think I see the blanket.
Not a date. Because why would Tomas be into someone he couldn't even see? Not to mention, any relationship between them would be incredibly difficult with the lack of touch. Plus, Tomas was dignified, he was good. Nate was just… Nate. Perfect. There wasn't a ton of cell phone reception out here, but enough for a phone call. He brought his Bluetooth thing for that reason, calling Tomas. “I see you. Yeah, I'm on the blanket.” He said as soon as Tomas answered. “I forgot to ask, do you remember me talking to you, when you couldn't see me?” More questions he'd never really had to ask before.
Tomas popped his earbud in, when he got over there, answering the call that came in. “Cool. Hey,” he smiled a bit when he heard him, moving toward the blanket. “I'm gonna sit on the… hm. My left,” he told him. He didn't want to accidentally sit on him or something. “Yeah, I'm pretty sure I remember all of that. I mean, you know. Can't remember what I didn't know I forgot,” he said and got himself into the spot he told Nate about. “By the way, the video from the thing at the spa, I watched it a few times. I almost remember seeing you. I mean, my brain kind of fills in the gaps. It's close. It's really close.”
“Okay I'll narrow it down. You remember me jumpscaring you when you first got to the spa thing?” That would be the thing he could remember, if anything. Nate hadn't had high hopes for the video thing but at least they could both watch it. Which… Nate absolutely had. He shifted so Tomas could sit down easily and then moved back so he was closer. As close to Tomas as he could be, without touching. Even accidentally. “We're close.” He said softly, voice able to be heard through the phone and in person. He turned the camera on his phone, flipping it to face them both. “Hi.” It was recording, just because. He gasped though, when Tomas revealed he was kind of remembering. “Seriously?” Through the camera he'd be able to see Nate looking at him, excitedly. “That's… Wow, I don't… Even know. Wow.”
Tomas swallowed hard. They were close. He could almost feel it, with the warmth of the air around them. The tingle of excitement, electric. He took a deep breath. Calm down, Rojas. “I do remember that,” he chuckled a little bit. “I remember you teasing me in public and asking what I thought about being recorded.” He looked up, smiling at the camera. “Hi,” he said, his voice soft. “Really, yeah. The brain is a fascinating thing. Memory, perception… sensation,” he trailed off, thoughtfully.
“Oh, good. We won't have to talk through the phone then.” It was hit or miss, people actually hearing him. It had something to do with whether they knew he was there. Like things he moved around weren't always noticed, unless someone already knew what he was doing. He thought, anyway. The smile next to him had Nate blushing again. “It would have been so disappointing if you forgot the whole teasing in public bit.” He said with a laugh, and then, “Oh! I have something that I think will be easier.” Since the camera itself was working, Nate set the phone down after giving Tomas a wink, and pulled out a tripod and a tablet. He turned the camera on there and set it up sideways. It was… a little derpy, but. Holding his hands up he laughed. “Hands free, see? Though bummer for my muscles. Phone holding is how I work out now.”
Tomas looked from one screen up to the other, bigger one. The grin spread across his face as he watched the two of them on the screen, and he shifted up behind Nate a little. “We gotta get one of those remote control clicker things for the camera, we can take pictures like this,” he told him. Screenshots would have to do. It was all solidifying an idea in his head. “I want to eat before it gets cold but I just… can we try something really quick? And can I be an absolute nerd and tell you about psychology things?”
“You'll have to send me a link or something, I don't know what you're talking about.” All worries about anything else melted almost instantly. They were just… This was just so much easier than he ever imagined it being. Something he thought he'd never had. He looked at the basket briefly and laughed. “I doubt it's still warm anyway, it was mostly hot when I put it in the foil but…” He shrugged, blushing. “Nerd out, and yeah. I'll try anything with you.”
Tomas grinned at that, seeing the blush on his face. “Cold pizza is just as good,” he reasoned and shifted in his seat. “Okay, so visual stimuli and physical stimuli are actually linked,” he told him. “There's this experiment called the rubber hand experiment,” as he spoke he studied how Nate was sitting, where his arms were, in the tablet's screen. “Someone would sit in front of a table with their hand under it, and on top of the table there's this rubber hand. And it's lined up where their hand would be, if it was on the table, if that makes sense. There's an arm, a sleeve that matches their shirt, the whole thing.” He swallowed hard and moved so he could reach in front of Nate, looking at him in the screen still, to figure out where to put his hand so he wouldn't touch him. “Stay really still, okay? Tell me if I'm too close.”
Cold pizza was amazing, it's true. Nate had discovered that recently, right after he discovered hot pizza. There was no pizza in the cult. He listened as Tomas explained the experiment, looking… genuinely confused. “Rubber hand on a table real hand under a table. Got it.” Mostly. At the instructions to stay still, he practically froze in place. He could hear his heart beating, it was so loud, as Tomas’s hand got close to him. He wanted to feel his hand so bad but he knew he couldn't. Fuck, he was so lonely. “Okay you're really close.” He said, mostly a whisper.
“Right,” Tomas said, smiling faintly as he tried to make sure his hand was very, very steady, not getting closer, as he moved it over where Nate's hand was. “So the person doing the experiment took a hammer and hit the rubber hand. And the participants, they'd jump. And their hand would even hurt for a second because their brain thought they saw their hand get hit.” He swallowed hard and moved his hand slowly. “Watch the screen. And move your hand with me, okay?”
Tomas was amazing, so much smarter than Nate could ever hope to be. At least he could follow along well enough, otherwise he'd probably be too embarrassed to be around Tomas ever again. He was starting to understand where this was going, and he nodded his head as Tomas spoke, almost urgently. Like yes, yeah, feeling something you shouldn't be able to feel. “I think I see where you're going with this…” He wanted it to work. Lifting his hand, he held it as Tomas instructed him to and moved with him, holding his breath.
Tomas watched them in the screen as he brought his hand up, slowly. It really looked like it on the screen, like he set his hand against Nate's arm, moving up slowly toward his shoulder. “Just like that,” he murmured, his hand moving so slow. He watched them, the screen, and he thought he felt Nate's skin on his hand for a second. It wasn't possible; he was most certainly completely intangible now, would go right through Nate even if he did accidentally get too close. But it felt like it, that little trick.
He did what Tomas did, staring in the screen too because it made them look closer. It sent the tiniest shiver up his spine, and he thought - it was impossible but he thought he felt it. Not as intense as the lightning that had shot through him when their pinkies touched, but still. It was there. After a moment, he exhaled - soft and slow and with a smile on his face. “I felt that. I think. I mean, not really but it felt like you were touching me even though you weren't.” Something about Tomas really made him feel both extremely lonely and very, very connected at the exact same time. What tipped the scales was that Tomas was here, thinking of ways they could touch without touching. How they could take selfies together. Nate’s insides squirmed and he felt hot, washed over with the feeling of real friendship. Slowly, Nate became fully visible.
Tomas let their hands linger on his arm, and he realized in the periphery of his vision that he could see him. He smiled. His heart was beating so fast. Hearing Nate say he could feel him, even a little, even not really but kind of, it felt good. He didn't think he could go solid now if he tried. “Keep watching the screen,” he told Nate, moving his hand up slowly. Over Nate's shoulder, up his neck. Against his jaw. He leaned in closer, his face nearly touching Nate's cheek. He was intangible but his breath wasn't, was warm on Nate's skin. “That's a kiss hello, okay? On the cheek. Before dinner.”
He watched his hand reach up towards his face, and Nate bit his lip, his heart racing so loudly he was sure Tomas could hear it. After a moment, it was like looking at the screen wasn't even necessary. He closed his eyes when he could feel Tomas’s breath on his skin. The little sigh he breathed out was almost a moan. “How proper and gentlemanly of you.” He said, blushing and grinning like an idiot. He turned his face to look at Tomas, careful not to get too close. “How'd you get so close, without touching me?” He asked softly, hand on the ground and leaning more towards Tomas than was strictly necessary or suitable for the situation. He should back up. He should get the food ready. Or at least out of the basket. He should tell him about being in Pantheon. Anything. Everything. He did nothing instead.
“That's me, a proper gentleman,” he teased with a soft laugh, looking at Nate's face on the screen. He closed his eyes, hoping he didn't forget a second of this. Nate was still there when he did, and the memory of what they were doing. He knew he was close. Too close. He shouldn't be so close. But he couldn't be afraid when he could smell Nate, his shampoo and just… him. This wonderful person he'd been talking to online and now got to be close to and know and almost, kind of, sort of, make feel him. “I'm totally intangible. I shouldn't be this close but I… I'm not worried about slipping and going solid again, trust me.”
There was a slight fear when he saw Tomas close his eyes, tha tall this would be forgotten - but no, that’s not how it worked. Not on the computer, anyway. No one else had forgotten. Still, when Tomas opened his eyes again and didn’t question what he was doing here, Nate exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. “Right, yeah.” He said, laughing nervously. “I’m not worried, I just - was curious.” Nate, still fully visible and unforgettable, had no clue that he was - and he wasn’t so sure he would be cautious enough to reach over and try and touch someone with only a screen to guide him. He wanted to reach out and try, but he stopped himself. He should be sad about Tomas being totally intangible, but… that meant he felt connected, and he swooned a little. “I weirdly feel… I don’t know. I feel different. Not lonely, I think. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Ever, maybe.”
“Me too,” Tomas told him softly, his breath still so warm on Nate's cheek. It was the only thing he had right now, a complete ghost. His eyes fell to watch Nate's hand and his. “I trust you,” her told him. “Which you should never do with someone from the Internet but,” he trailed off with a little laugh. But he was so glad he'd started talking to him. He'd liked him then but ever since he'd seen him… “I just really like you.”
“Why shouldn’t you ever trust someone from the internet?” Nate asked, showing once again his innocence, naivety about how the real world really worked. He’d barely been in the real world for more than a year, so it wasn’t all that surprising that he didn’t know that. Still, he probably should have. “I trust you, too. Internet or not, whatever that matters.” He sighed again, watching Tomas through the screen. “What are we going to do with that? Because I really, really like you.”
Tomas raised his eyebrows for a second. “Right, you didn't see Oprah in the 90s. There are some serious weirdos out there. Worse than me even.” He grinned a little bit, the corner of it on the screen. He swallowed hard, breathed Nate in. “I think we have a dinner date,” he said. “And we keep being creative.” He gestured slightly at the tablet. They could do something, they could make something work. Right? At least they could try. “And as long as we're both happy then…” he trailed off. Could he make Nate happy like this? If Tomas couldn't even touch him? He'd never done any of that, didn't he deserve it? Tomas made sure to pull back just enough that he didn't slip if these thoughts kept plaguing him. “Would you be happy?”
“I don’t even know who Oprah is. So, nineties Oprah, 2020 Oprah, no clue.” He shrugged. “You aren’t bad at all, so worse than you is kind of a weird comparison. I get what you’re saying, though.” Not that it mattered. Nate was gone and forgotten by anyone he met, and he could do that to someone bad, too. It took all of Nate not to lean in when Tomas had breathed him in. He could see him in the screen, breathing like that. Nate wanted to do it too, but he didn’t. He stayed still, because he didn’t want to spook Tomas. “I don’t think I really know what happy even is, Tom.” He said with a shrug. “So maybe, probably. This feels as close to happy as I think it could feel like for me.”
Thinking about how sheltered, how young, Nate was, it made Tomas feel selfish. It was selfish to try to start anything with someone who'd never experienced anything real when Tomas couldn't give him any of that either. It was selfish but that doesn't mean he wasn't going to do it. It made him too happy. He couldn't at least try. “For me too,” he told him. His voice was barely above a whisper, just for the two of them. “I feel like I'm afraid I'd be keeping you from exploring other avenues,” he said, trying to put it delicately.
Nate understood what Tomas was getting at - neither of them could really be in a relationship, could they? For many reasons. He should be stopping this already - he couldn’t be with Tomas. Couldn’t be with Kit. Not to mention, he had Kennedy - who was all things that called to him in a way that was softer and kinder than he’d ever hoped for. Yet here he was, lifting his hand so he could put it next to Tomas’s face, mirroring the experiment Tomas had done earlier. Soft and light, he ran a finger down Tomas’s face in the screen of the tablet. “I don’t know how we could do what we want to do, and I - I haven’t gotten to experience anything. I’ve never even been kissed. I don’t know if I want to give that up, but I do know I don’t want to give you up either.” He said softly, afraid. “Though you might want to give me up…”
Tomas saw in the screen the way Nate's finger stroked over his cheek and he imagined he could feel it, the softness of his skin catching a little on the stubble. He made a choked sound in his throat, almost a sob. He'd tried before, years and years ago. More than once. It never worked out. He wanted anyway. Just wanted something with this person. That was all. “I can't imagine wanting to give you up,” he told him, swallowing back more guilt. He should tell him about the drinking. He knew he should. But how could he?
So many secrets, but Nate didn’t want to ruin the night. He thought - maybe, after tonight, he’d tell him. He would let him know why they couldn’t do this. That’s what he was going to tell himself, anyway, because he couldn’t tonight. He just wanted to be together. Tears slid from his eyes, and it took him a moment to realize he was crying. “Oh.” Embarrassing. He sat up, turning away from the camera so he could go back to being invisible - though, he still wasn’t. He was sad, and full of feelings and he wanted nothing more than to be here, with Tomas. He wiped his face. “One second.” He said softly, pressing his palms to his eyes.
“Hey,” Tomas frowned slightly. He looked at him before he could stop himself; he couldn't help it, Nate was right there. He could see him. And he was crying. “It's okay, its okay to cry. Hell, I kind of want to cry too. It's a lot,” he told him. It was a lot of intense emotions, a lot of wanting and wishing. “Nate,” he breathed, smiling a little bit. “I'm looking at you. This is…” he trailed off. He'd probably forget this. He hoped he didn't.
It didn’t register. He sniffled and wiped his face and was about to argue about how crying was stupid when he realized - Tomas shouldn’t be able to see him cry. Maybe he just heard it, the sniffling was a little loud anyway and maybe he’d seen it in the camera just before he scooted away. Then he said it. I’m looking at you. He turned back around, not in frame still but seeing that, clearly, Tomas was looking at him. At him. They weren’t even making eye contact. “What the fuck?” His tears dried up immediately, because this was - this was something else. “You can actually see me?”
“I can actually see you,” Tomas confirmed softly, looking down at Nate, at his hands and all of him. Those little details he didn't really get to see on the phone. “I see you,” he sighed, smiling a little bit wider. Those little details were everything, the little freckles, the hairs on the back of his hand. All those things that made him so real. He wanted to memorize them. He wanted to be able to. He never wanted to look away.
“What the fuck.” Okay, he was crying again. The fact that not only could he be seen, but breaking eye contact didn't change anything? It was overwhelming. “This - never happens. Not like this.” Kennedy had gotten a glimpse, when she'd helped him - but it hadn't lasted long. This was different. He shook his head, laughing a little even though he was still crying a little. “So all I had to do was find a hot papi to notice me and suddenly I'm visible?” He joked, shocked at this whole scene honestly. “I even looked away and you did too, and you remember and still see…” Nate was amazed. “How are you doing this?”
Tomas didn't think he'd ever get used to the way Nate said that. It gave him a shiver, it was naughty. But Nate was always teasing him with it. It was perfect. “Apparently,” he teased back lightly but he shook his head. “I'm not doing anything, it's all you. Whatever's going on, how you're feeling or your trigger, it's… it's amazing, right?” Tomas knew a thing or two about emotions and triggers and powers.
That was confusing, he didn’t think he could turn it off. Then again, the only person he had ever felt connected to before was Kit, who could see him regardless of whether or not Nate was feeling lonely. Even then, he’d felt lonely long before Nate could see him that the exception had not changed things for him. “What? Me?” He was surprised, and looked down at his hands like he’d see something different. He didn’t, of course, but still. “Yeah it’s - really amazing.” He said, laughing. “But it’s not - it’s not just me. It’s you. It’s, I mean it’s us, you know?” And Kennedy and Killian and Anders and Luke and Kit, all the people he had collected now, who cared about him. “Okay, unfair. Now - now the way you’re looking at me is way way worse.” He said, though he was grinning. “It’s like you’re reading me.”
Tomas was just so incredibly happy for Nate. He liked the way he laughed with it, he could see how happy he was. He could see him happy. It was an incredible thing. “I'm just soaking in all the little details, the ones I can't see on the phone. Like this little freckle right on your Adams Apple that I wish I could just nibble a little,” he admitted with a little laugh. Just for example.
Nate was practically dying now. He’d never felt this way, and it was… well. He ran a hand through his hair and blushed, looking away briefly, clearly incapable of making eye contact at the moment. “That’s - okay maybe I won’t call you papi, then.” He hadn’t even thought of the freckle on his adam’s apple, nor had he ever thought of someone nibbling at it. He shifted in his spot, clearing his throat.
Tomas had a good chuckle at that, his head tilting a little. The blush was even cuter in person. “You don't like being teased, huh? Okay, okay, I'm sorry,” he told him. He didn't want to make Nate uncomfortable. “Unless this is a, this is horrible and I hate it and keep doing it, kind of thing. I can tell you about the other things I want to nibble,” he offered, brows canting upward innocently.
“No, I like it.” He countered, laughing a little. His hand was at the back of his neck, the obvious sign of its getting hot mixed with embarrassment. “It’s - I mean.” He didn’t even know how to explain it. “Yeah its horrible I hate it keep doing it kinda thing but I don’t - know how to do it back, and we can’t…” Not that he’d ever even been kissed. The whole thing hit him like a ton of bricks, and he was gone. Invisible again, but fortunately for Tomas - he would still remember that interaction.
Tomas frowned when Nate was just gone, and he'd said he didn't need to apologize for what he couldn't give him but he still felt like he should. Like he had to. “I know,” he said, looking down at the blanket. “Lost you again,” he murmured, looking at the tablet again. They looked a lot sadder now then they had before. “Maybe we should eat,” he said but he just wanted one of those beers.
Shit. He moved again so he was more visible in the camera, Tomas able to see the way he leaned in, whispering in his ear. “I'm not lost.” He said, soft with a hint of apology and forgiveness. “I've been lonely my entire life, it's all I know. It's why no one can see me and why, for the first time, you could. You make me feel.” He didn't specify what, because it was a lot of things. A lot of feelings he didn't even think he had names for. Leaning over, he opened the basket, removing pizza and beers. “Yeah, we can eat.” Besides, maybe not thinking too much would help him be visible again.
Tomas nodded a little, looking back up at the screen, a little shiver going down his back when he heard Nate's voice so close. “You make me feel too. You make me feel like I have a damn good reason to work harder to fix what's wrong with me. I gave up a long time ago,” he admitted. He reached for a beer when Nate pulled them out of the basket, popping it open so he could have a drink.
Knowing that had him grinning again, looking far more optimistic than he had just a few seconds ago. “We'll figure it out.” He agreed, opening the foil wrap to grab a lukewarm piece of pizza. “Never give up on it, okay? You deserve that, no matter what or who or when. Okay? Promise.” He asked, because - and that's why he wasn't visible again - at some point, Tomas would have to know. He sighed, and took a bite to keep himself quiet.
Tomas swallowed hard, watching Nate as he asked him that, to promise that he'd try no matter who it was, when it was. Tomas didn't know if he could do that. Was he going to want to do something so difficult if he didn't have Nate to aim for? “Okay,” he agreed, his voice quiet. That was the deal, they made each other take care of themselves. He took another drink of the beer, his shoulders relaxing a little in the relief of it. “I want you to promise the same thing. Keep trying to know people. Don't give up.”
“I promise, I'll keep trying. Some guy told me once I'm worth knowing.” He said, grinning at Tomas through the tablet. He could do that, for him. For both of them. He had so much time and all that.
WHERE: outskirts of LA somewhere private and where you can see the stars
WHEN: after valborg, before nate outs himself to kit
WARNINGS:sad, cute, insinuated alcoholism, cult talk, psychology stuff
STATUS: complete
Schrödinger had nothing on Tomas today. This both was and wasn't a date.
Was this a date? It felt like a date. How the fuck did he end up going out on a date? They never said it was a date and really, the time of day was mostly so Tomas didn't look like a weirdo talking to himself and there'd be less likelihood anyone would see them. That's what Nate was telling himself, anyway, to keep his cool. Because this? This was scary. This was hanging out with a man you were crushing on who was a teacher at a school you definitely could never go to and who your organization was most certainly against you fraternizing with. Nate was walking a fine line. Fucking Kit. Oh well, fuck it. Nathaniel Park was willing to die on this hill because he'd never felt like a real person more than he did now. If that was going to be taken away, what did it matter? He had his location on for Tomas, and had set out a blanket, and that's where the sophisticated niceness ended. He brought mostly still warm pizza wrapped in foil, beer, cheese balls in Ziploc bags, some waters, and that was it. So, he'd never been on a picnic before and he didn't have much to show for it. Found me yet? he texted.
Schrödinger had nothing on Tomas today. This both was and wasn't a date. It was dinner together, at night, and they were both clearly into each other. Tomas actually couldn't think of reasons why this wouldn't be a date, other than he wouldn't want to date me and Tomas Elliott Rojas él tiene la mitad de tu edad in his mother's voice. Yes, he knew Nate was half his age, he told his mother's imaginary voice in his head. But it wasn't like he was going to be able to do anything but pine so, whatever. He was heading to the pin that Nate had dropped him when he got the text. Just about. Then, a few seconds later, I think I see the blanket.
Not a date. Because why would Tomas be into someone he couldn't even see? Not to mention, any relationship between them would be incredibly difficult with the lack of touch. Plus, Tomas was dignified, he was good. Nate was just… Nate. Perfect. There wasn't a ton of cell phone reception out here, but enough for a phone call. He brought his Bluetooth thing for that reason, calling Tomas. “I see you. Yeah, I'm on the blanket.” He said as soon as Tomas answered. “I forgot to ask, do you remember me talking to you, when you couldn't see me?” More questions he'd never really had to ask before.
Tomas popped his earbud in, when he got over there, answering the call that came in. “Cool. Hey,” he smiled a bit when he heard him, moving toward the blanket. “I'm gonna sit on the… hm. My left,” he told him. He didn't want to accidentally sit on him or something. “Yeah, I'm pretty sure I remember all of that. I mean, you know. Can't remember what I didn't know I forgot,” he said and got himself into the spot he told Nate about. “By the way, the video from the thing at the spa, I watched it a few times. I almost remember seeing you. I mean, my brain kind of fills in the gaps. It's close. It's really close.”
“Okay I'll narrow it down. You remember me jumpscaring you when you first got to the spa thing?” That would be the thing he could remember, if anything. Nate hadn't had high hopes for the video thing but at least they could both watch it. Which… Nate absolutely had. He shifted so Tomas could sit down easily and then moved back so he was closer. As close to Tomas as he could be, without touching. Even accidentally. “We're close.” He said softly, voice able to be heard through the phone and in person. He turned the camera on his phone, flipping it to face them both. “Hi.” It was recording, just because. He gasped though, when Tomas revealed he was kind of remembering. “Seriously?” Through the camera he'd be able to see Nate looking at him, excitedly. “That's… Wow, I don't… Even know. Wow.”
Tomas swallowed hard. They were close. He could almost feel it, with the warmth of the air around them. The tingle of excitement, electric. He took a deep breath. Calm down, Rojas. “I do remember that,” he chuckled a little bit. “I remember you teasing me in public and asking what I thought about being recorded.” He looked up, smiling at the camera. “Hi,” he said, his voice soft. “Really, yeah. The brain is a fascinating thing. Memory, perception… sensation,” he trailed off, thoughtfully.
“Oh, good. We won't have to talk through the phone then.” It was hit or miss, people actually hearing him. It had something to do with whether they knew he was there. Like things he moved around weren't always noticed, unless someone already knew what he was doing. He thought, anyway. The smile next to him had Nate blushing again. “It would have been so disappointing if you forgot the whole teasing in public bit.” He said with a laugh, and then, “Oh! I have something that I think will be easier.” Since the camera itself was working, Nate set the phone down after giving Tomas a wink, and pulled out a tripod and a tablet. He turned the camera on there and set it up sideways. It was… a little derpy, but. Holding his hands up he laughed. “Hands free, see? Though bummer for my muscles. Phone holding is how I work out now.”
Tomas looked from one screen up to the other, bigger one. The grin spread across his face as he watched the two of them on the screen, and he shifted up behind Nate a little. “We gotta get one of those remote control clicker things for the camera, we can take pictures like this,” he told him. Screenshots would have to do. It was all solidifying an idea in his head. “I want to eat before it gets cold but I just… can we try something really quick? And can I be an absolute nerd and tell you about psychology things?”
“You'll have to send me a link or something, I don't know what you're talking about.” All worries about anything else melted almost instantly. They were just… This was just so much easier than he ever imagined it being. Something he thought he'd never had. He looked at the basket briefly and laughed. “I doubt it's still warm anyway, it was mostly hot when I put it in the foil but…” He shrugged, blushing. “Nerd out, and yeah. I'll try anything with you.”
Tomas grinned at that, seeing the blush on his face. “Cold pizza is just as good,” he reasoned and shifted in his seat. “Okay, so visual stimuli and physical stimuli are actually linked,” he told him. “There's this experiment called the rubber hand experiment,” as he spoke he studied how Nate was sitting, where his arms were, in the tablet's screen. “Someone would sit in front of a table with their hand under it, and on top of the table there's this rubber hand. And it's lined up where their hand would be, if it was on the table, if that makes sense. There's an arm, a sleeve that matches their shirt, the whole thing.” He swallowed hard and moved so he could reach in front of Nate, looking at him in the screen still, to figure out where to put his hand so he wouldn't touch him. “Stay really still, okay? Tell me if I'm too close.”
Cold pizza was amazing, it's true. Nate had discovered that recently, right after he discovered hot pizza. There was no pizza in the cult. He listened as Tomas explained the experiment, looking… genuinely confused. “Rubber hand on a table real hand under a table. Got it.” Mostly. At the instructions to stay still, he practically froze in place. He could hear his heart beating, it was so loud, as Tomas’s hand got close to him. He wanted to feel his hand so bad but he knew he couldn't. Fuck, he was so lonely. “Okay you're really close.” He said, mostly a whisper.
“Right,” Tomas said, smiling faintly as he tried to make sure his hand was very, very steady, not getting closer, as he moved it over where Nate's hand was. “So the person doing the experiment took a hammer and hit the rubber hand. And the participants, they'd jump. And their hand would even hurt for a second because their brain thought they saw their hand get hit.” He swallowed hard and moved his hand slowly. “Watch the screen. And move your hand with me, okay?”
Tomas was amazing, so much smarter than Nate could ever hope to be. At least he could follow along well enough, otherwise he'd probably be too embarrassed to be around Tomas ever again. He was starting to understand where this was going, and he nodded his head as Tomas spoke, almost urgently. Like yes, yeah, feeling something you shouldn't be able to feel. “I think I see where you're going with this…” He wanted it to work. Lifting his hand, he held it as Tomas instructed him to and moved with him, holding his breath.
Tomas watched them in the screen as he brought his hand up, slowly. It really looked like it on the screen, like he set his hand against Nate's arm, moving up slowly toward his shoulder. “Just like that,” he murmured, his hand moving so slow. He watched them, the screen, and he thought he felt Nate's skin on his hand for a second. It wasn't possible; he was most certainly completely intangible now, would go right through Nate even if he did accidentally get too close. But it felt like it, that little trick.
He did what Tomas did, staring in the screen too because it made them look closer. It sent the tiniest shiver up his spine, and he thought - it was impossible but he thought he felt it. Not as intense as the lightning that had shot through him when their pinkies touched, but still. It was there. After a moment, he exhaled - soft and slow and with a smile on his face. “I felt that. I think. I mean, not really but it felt like you were touching me even though you weren't.” Something about Tomas really made him feel both extremely lonely and very, very connected at the exact same time. What tipped the scales was that Tomas was here, thinking of ways they could touch without touching. How they could take selfies together. Nate’s insides squirmed and he felt hot, washed over with the feeling of real friendship. Slowly, Nate became fully visible.
Tomas let their hands linger on his arm, and he realized in the periphery of his vision that he could see him. He smiled. His heart was beating so fast. Hearing Nate say he could feel him, even a little, even not really but kind of, it felt good. He didn't think he could go solid now if he tried. “Keep watching the screen,” he told Nate, moving his hand up slowly. Over Nate's shoulder, up his neck. Against his jaw. He leaned in closer, his face nearly touching Nate's cheek. He was intangible but his breath wasn't, was warm on Nate's skin. “That's a kiss hello, okay? On the cheek. Before dinner.”
He watched his hand reach up towards his face, and Nate bit his lip, his heart racing so loudly he was sure Tomas could hear it. After a moment, it was like looking at the screen wasn't even necessary. He closed his eyes when he could feel Tomas’s breath on his skin. The little sigh he breathed out was almost a moan. “How proper and gentlemanly of you.” He said, blushing and grinning like an idiot. He turned his face to look at Tomas, careful not to get too close. “How'd you get so close, without touching me?” He asked softly, hand on the ground and leaning more towards Tomas than was strictly necessary or suitable for the situation. He should back up. He should get the food ready. Or at least out of the basket. He should tell him about being in Pantheon. Anything. Everything. He did nothing instead.
“That's me, a proper gentleman,” he teased with a soft laugh, looking at Nate's face on the screen. He closed his eyes, hoping he didn't forget a second of this. Nate was still there when he did, and the memory of what they were doing. He knew he was close. Too close. He shouldn't be so close. But he couldn't be afraid when he could smell Nate, his shampoo and just… him. This wonderful person he'd been talking to online and now got to be close to and know and almost, kind of, sort of, make feel him. “I'm totally intangible. I shouldn't be this close but I… I'm not worried about slipping and going solid again, trust me.”
There was a slight fear when he saw Tomas close his eyes, tha tall this would be forgotten - but no, that’s not how it worked. Not on the computer, anyway. No one else had forgotten. Still, when Tomas opened his eyes again and didn’t question what he was doing here, Nate exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. “Right, yeah.” He said, laughing nervously. “I’m not worried, I just - was curious.” Nate, still fully visible and unforgettable, had no clue that he was - and he wasn’t so sure he would be cautious enough to reach over and try and touch someone with only a screen to guide him. He wanted to reach out and try, but he stopped himself. He should be sad about Tomas being totally intangible, but… that meant he felt connected, and he swooned a little. “I weirdly feel… I don’t know. I feel different. Not lonely, I think. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Ever, maybe.”
“Me too,” Tomas told him softly, his breath still so warm on Nate's cheek. It was the only thing he had right now, a complete ghost. His eyes fell to watch Nate's hand and his. “I trust you,” her told him. “Which you should never do with someone from the Internet but,” he trailed off with a little laugh. But he was so glad he'd started talking to him. He'd liked him then but ever since he'd seen him… “I just really like you.”
“Why shouldn’t you ever trust someone from the internet?” Nate asked, showing once again his innocence, naivety about how the real world really worked. He’d barely been in the real world for more than a year, so it wasn’t all that surprising that he didn’t know that. Still, he probably should have. “I trust you, too. Internet or not, whatever that matters.” He sighed again, watching Tomas through the screen. “What are we going to do with that? Because I really, really like you.”
Tomas raised his eyebrows for a second. “Right, you didn't see Oprah in the 90s. There are some serious weirdos out there. Worse than me even.” He grinned a little bit, the corner of it on the screen. He swallowed hard, breathed Nate in. “I think we have a dinner date,” he said. “And we keep being creative.” He gestured slightly at the tablet. They could do something, they could make something work. Right? At least they could try. “And as long as we're both happy then…” he trailed off. Could he make Nate happy like this? If Tomas couldn't even touch him? He'd never done any of that, didn't he deserve it? Tomas made sure to pull back just enough that he didn't slip if these thoughts kept plaguing him. “Would you be happy?”
“I don’t even know who Oprah is. So, nineties Oprah, 2020 Oprah, no clue.” He shrugged. “You aren’t bad at all, so worse than you is kind of a weird comparison. I get what you’re saying, though.” Not that it mattered. Nate was gone and forgotten by anyone he met, and he could do that to someone bad, too. It took all of Nate not to lean in when Tomas had breathed him in. He could see him in the screen, breathing like that. Nate wanted to do it too, but he didn’t. He stayed still, because he didn’t want to spook Tomas. “I don’t think I really know what happy even is, Tom.” He said with a shrug. “So maybe, probably. This feels as close to happy as I think it could feel like for me.”
Thinking about how sheltered, how young, Nate was, it made Tomas feel selfish. It was selfish to try to start anything with someone who'd never experienced anything real when Tomas couldn't give him any of that either. It was selfish but that doesn't mean he wasn't going to do it. It made him too happy. He couldn't at least try. “For me too,” he told him. His voice was barely above a whisper, just for the two of them. “I feel like I'm afraid I'd be keeping you from exploring other avenues,” he said, trying to put it delicately.
Nate understood what Tomas was getting at - neither of them could really be in a relationship, could they? For many reasons. He should be stopping this already - he couldn’t be with Tomas. Couldn’t be with Kit. Not to mention, he had Kennedy - who was all things that called to him in a way that was softer and kinder than he’d ever hoped for. Yet here he was, lifting his hand so he could put it next to Tomas’s face, mirroring the experiment Tomas had done earlier. Soft and light, he ran a finger down Tomas’s face in the screen of the tablet. “I don’t know how we could do what we want to do, and I - I haven’t gotten to experience anything. I’ve never even been kissed. I don’t know if I want to give that up, but I do know I don’t want to give you up either.” He said softly, afraid. “Though you might want to give me up…”
Tomas saw in the screen the way Nate's finger stroked over his cheek and he imagined he could feel it, the softness of his skin catching a little on the stubble. He made a choked sound in his throat, almost a sob. He'd tried before, years and years ago. More than once. It never worked out. He wanted anyway. Just wanted something with this person. That was all. “I can't imagine wanting to give you up,” he told him, swallowing back more guilt. He should tell him about the drinking. He knew he should. But how could he?
So many secrets, but Nate didn’t want to ruin the night. He thought - maybe, after tonight, he’d tell him. He would let him know why they couldn’t do this. That’s what he was going to tell himself, anyway, because he couldn’t tonight. He just wanted to be together. Tears slid from his eyes, and it took him a moment to realize he was crying. “Oh.” Embarrassing. He sat up, turning away from the camera so he could go back to being invisible - though, he still wasn’t. He was sad, and full of feelings and he wanted nothing more than to be here, with Tomas. He wiped his face. “One second.” He said softly, pressing his palms to his eyes.
“Hey,” Tomas frowned slightly. He looked at him before he could stop himself; he couldn't help it, Nate was right there. He could see him. And he was crying. “It's okay, its okay to cry. Hell, I kind of want to cry too. It's a lot,” he told him. It was a lot of intense emotions, a lot of wanting and wishing. “Nate,” he breathed, smiling a little bit. “I'm looking at you. This is…” he trailed off. He'd probably forget this. He hoped he didn't.
It didn’t register. He sniffled and wiped his face and was about to argue about how crying was stupid when he realized - Tomas shouldn’t be able to see him cry. Maybe he just heard it, the sniffling was a little loud anyway and maybe he’d seen it in the camera just before he scooted away. Then he said it. I’m looking at you. He turned back around, not in frame still but seeing that, clearly, Tomas was looking at him. At him. They weren’t even making eye contact. “What the fuck?” His tears dried up immediately, because this was - this was something else. “You can actually see me?”
“I can actually see you,” Tomas confirmed softly, looking down at Nate, at his hands and all of him. Those little details he didn't really get to see on the phone. “I see you,” he sighed, smiling a little bit wider. Those little details were everything, the little freckles, the hairs on the back of his hand. All those things that made him so real. He wanted to memorize them. He wanted to be able to. He never wanted to look away.
“What the fuck.” Okay, he was crying again. The fact that not only could he be seen, but breaking eye contact didn't change anything? It was overwhelming. “This - never happens. Not like this.” Kennedy had gotten a glimpse, when she'd helped him - but it hadn't lasted long. This was different. He shook his head, laughing a little even though he was still crying a little. “So all I had to do was find a hot papi to notice me and suddenly I'm visible?” He joked, shocked at this whole scene honestly. “I even looked away and you did too, and you remember and still see…” Nate was amazed. “How are you doing this?”
Tomas didn't think he'd ever get used to the way Nate said that. It gave him a shiver, it was naughty. But Nate was always teasing him with it. It was perfect. “Apparently,” he teased back lightly but he shook his head. “I'm not doing anything, it's all you. Whatever's going on, how you're feeling or your trigger, it's… it's amazing, right?” Tomas knew a thing or two about emotions and triggers and powers.
That was confusing, he didn’t think he could turn it off. Then again, the only person he had ever felt connected to before was Kit, who could see him regardless of whether or not Nate was feeling lonely. Even then, he’d felt lonely long before Nate could see him that the exception had not changed things for him. “What? Me?” He was surprised, and looked down at his hands like he’d see something different. He didn’t, of course, but still. “Yeah it’s - really amazing.” He said, laughing. “But it’s not - it’s not just me. It’s you. It’s, I mean it’s us, you know?” And Kennedy and Killian and Anders and Luke and Kit, all the people he had collected now, who cared about him. “Okay, unfair. Now - now the way you’re looking at me is way way worse.” He said, though he was grinning. “It’s like you’re reading me.”
Tomas was just so incredibly happy for Nate. He liked the way he laughed with it, he could see how happy he was. He could see him happy. It was an incredible thing. “I'm just soaking in all the little details, the ones I can't see on the phone. Like this little freckle right on your Adams Apple that I wish I could just nibble a little,” he admitted with a little laugh. Just for example.
Nate was practically dying now. He’d never felt this way, and it was… well. He ran a hand through his hair and blushed, looking away briefly, clearly incapable of making eye contact at the moment. “That’s - okay maybe I won’t call you papi, then.” He hadn’t even thought of the freckle on his adam’s apple, nor had he ever thought of someone nibbling at it. He shifted in his spot, clearing his throat.
Tomas had a good chuckle at that, his head tilting a little. The blush was even cuter in person. “You don't like being teased, huh? Okay, okay, I'm sorry,” he told him. He didn't want to make Nate uncomfortable. “Unless this is a, this is horrible and I hate it and keep doing it, kind of thing. I can tell you about the other things I want to nibble,” he offered, brows canting upward innocently.
“No, I like it.” He countered, laughing a little. His hand was at the back of his neck, the obvious sign of its getting hot mixed with embarrassment. “It’s - I mean.” He didn’t even know how to explain it. “Yeah its horrible I hate it keep doing it kinda thing but I don’t - know how to do it back, and we can’t…” Not that he’d ever even been kissed. The whole thing hit him like a ton of bricks, and he was gone. Invisible again, but fortunately for Tomas - he would still remember that interaction.
Tomas frowned when Nate was just gone, and he'd said he didn't need to apologize for what he couldn't give him but he still felt like he should. Like he had to. “I know,” he said, looking down at the blanket. “Lost you again,” he murmured, looking at the tablet again. They looked a lot sadder now then they had before. “Maybe we should eat,” he said but he just wanted one of those beers.
Shit. He moved again so he was more visible in the camera, Tomas able to see the way he leaned in, whispering in his ear. “I'm not lost.” He said, soft with a hint of apology and forgiveness. “I've been lonely my entire life, it's all I know. It's why no one can see me and why, for the first time, you could. You make me feel.” He didn't specify what, because it was a lot of things. A lot of feelings he didn't even think he had names for. Leaning over, he opened the basket, removing pizza and beers. “Yeah, we can eat.” Besides, maybe not thinking too much would help him be visible again.
Tomas nodded a little, looking back up at the screen, a little shiver going down his back when he heard Nate's voice so close. “You make me feel too. You make me feel like I have a damn good reason to work harder to fix what's wrong with me. I gave up a long time ago,” he admitted. He reached for a beer when Nate pulled them out of the basket, popping it open so he could have a drink.
Knowing that had him grinning again, looking far more optimistic than he had just a few seconds ago. “We'll figure it out.” He agreed, opening the foil wrap to grab a lukewarm piece of pizza. “Never give up on it, okay? You deserve that, no matter what or who or when. Okay? Promise.” He asked, because - and that's why he wasn't visible again - at some point, Tomas would have to know. He sighed, and took a bite to keep himself quiet.
Tomas swallowed hard, watching Nate as he asked him that, to promise that he'd try no matter who it was, when it was. Tomas didn't know if he could do that. Was he going to want to do something so difficult if he didn't have Nate to aim for? “Okay,” he agreed, his voice quiet. That was the deal, they made each other take care of themselves. He took another drink of the beer, his shoulders relaxing a little in the relief of it. “I want you to promise the same thing. Keep trying to know people. Don't give up.”
“I promise, I'll keep trying. Some guy told me once I'm worth knowing.” He said, grinning at Tomas through the tablet. He could do that, for him. For both of them. He had so much time and all that.