i carry your image always in my head. tommy. (colors_go_flat) wrote in age_of_miracles, @ 2008-04-06 00:13:00 |
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Entry tags: | nightcrawler, tommy |
Log: Tommy and Kurt
Who; Tommy and Kurt
When; April 5th, evening
Where; Kurt's room
What; Tommy has one of her moments and breaks up with Kurt. And poor Kurt is blindsided and doesn't really know how to handle it.
Kurt was restless.
Of course he was. He was the kind of person who had a lot of energy he needed to burn. A quick metabolism, a body built for wild acrobatics and contortionistic twists, and he couldn't do any of that. It was maddening. His body was broken and he was having a very, very hard time accepting that. But it wasn't going to get any better if he disobeyed Elvyran and took his situation for granted. Without the help of a healer, he'd be paralyzed or otherwise permanently damaged, and now, within a few weeks or months, he could be fully back to normal. He was far better off already.
He'd just spent the last hour and a half in a healing session, lying on his stomach and trying not to scream in pain or teleport away when Elvyran phased his hands into him and worked at healing his spine. It was a slow, agonizing process, and this was just one of many weekly sessions to follow. Slow healing would be less of a shock to the body, would be easier for him to handle----and easier for Elvyran to handle. He was a kid, not a miracle worker.
The rest of the time, Kurt had to wear a stiff back brace to keep himself from using his flexible spine to its full advantage and hurting himself. He had that on now instead of a shirt, a pair of boxers on, and he was kneeling at the end of his bed, head bowed over his rosary and folded hands. Ordinarily he moved better than this, but Elvyran's healing tended to leave bruises where his hands had invaded. It ached, it throbbed, and all he wanted to do was say his prayers and sleep it off.
Tommy was as supportive as she could be. Kurt was in terrible pain, and her first instinct was to distance herself as much as possible. It was how she was, wanting to avoid facing him; she could handle going to try and rescue him, guns a-blazin', but face to face? She was afraid to say something insensitive or make it worse. She was afraid to touch him; even though his bigger injuries were healing, he was left internally bruised because Elvyran was forced to bypass little healings in favor of the spinal injuries, the ones that would leave him scarred where bruises wouldn't. Tommy, so used to physical contact, wasn't quite sure how to interact with Kurt, and that scared her.
But she went, knocking on Kurt's door with one hand and cradling a container of cookies in the other. "Kurt...? It's Tommy."
Kurt heard her, but stayed quiet until he could finish his prayer and cross himself. Hooking his rosary over the post at the foot of his bed, he pushed himself up to stand with a pained grunt. "Coming----" And then, after a couple of slow steps, giving up. "It's open," he called.
He'd be stiff in the morning and sore during most of the day, but by the end of the week he'd be feeling pretty good and like he could handle everything. And then Elvyran would put his hands into him and bruise his insides again. Still, it was better than herniated discs and broken vertebrae and pinched nerves. Thank God for that.
"Come in, please."
Slipping in, Tommy winced; he wasn't supposed to be up like that. "You shouldn't be walking around," she said gently, setting the container down on his bedside table. Instead of going in to touch him, Tommy offered her hand. "Here, let me---" She wouldn't guide him or support him too much, afraid of touching a tender spot.
"No, I can----I can be walking around," Kurt mumbled, looking around like he could find another excuse on the floor. "I was just getting into bed, it's fine." He hated being babied or pitied or anything like that, but he grudgingly accepted her hand and used it for support as he slid into bed.
The feeling of the mattress taking his weight was an incredible relief. "These days, with Elvyran... healing days are bad. It takes a while to heal from the healing." He chuckled, shifting uncomfortably. He'd been badly injured before, but it had never been his back. His arm, his leg, he could deal with that. He never thought that a spinal injury would affect everything so much.
"I thought you said cookies?"
"I said cookies." Reaching over to grab the container again, she pried it open, offering it while she touched his temple, smoothed back some of his hair. Carefully lowering herself to sit on the bed, Tommy kissed his shoulder lightly. She didn't want to ask about how he felt, knowing he certainly didn't want to dwell. That didn't leave much, did it?
Kurt took a cookie and took a bite, brushing off crumbs and hopefully getting them off the bed when they fell. Chewing meant he didn't have to talk much. He didn't want to talk about his situation, he didn't like dwelling on himself and his own situation. There were a lot of other things going on that were more important.
Things between Kurt and Tommy had been... almost as uncomfortable as Kurt's injuries, really. Beyond the initial attraction and Kurt's delusional idea that he liked being a romantic, they were completely different people in a way that Kurt found somewhat off-putting. He wasn't sure what it was, he just knew that he looked at her and felt a sense of obligation... of this is the woman I'm with so I should behave like this.
There really ... wasn't much to talk about. The election, maybe, but Tommy didn't pay attention to politics. Couldn't talk about his injuries. And not ... not their relationship. There wasn't much to talk about there, anyway. She seemed content with the silence, and yet...
There was something about Kurt. About his goodness, how inherently kind and gentle he was, that Tommy wanted. She wanted to believe in him, be more like him, but the fact was that she wasn't. Things had been so tense. They'd been okay with each other before the whole thing with the Marauders, but it had just gone downhill, the first time she shot Riptide. Then when she'd bolted after the press. Then the second time she shot Riptide. Tommy was slipping further and further away from Kurt's inherent goodness that she felt like she was dirtying him, but she wanted to be close to that almost too bad to say anything about it.
Almost.
"I, um..." Tommy pushed the hair out of her face, trailing off and looking like she was trying to remember something. "---Nevermind. I was about to---you know, and I just forget. Forget it."
Kurt raised an eyebrow, swallowing his bite. "No... what?"
Tommy was silent for a painfully long time. There was nowhere to go, except---
"I can't handle this."
"Was?" Slipping back into German for a second as he brought himself to sit up, the cookie falling into his lap. "Can't handle what?"
"This. This whole ... thing that we think we have here. I can't do it." Tommy wanted to run. She couldn't stand being so close to someone so hurt -- not because she resented his injuries but because it was like ripping open a wound. The people she hung around were constantly hurt, and he may have been maimed or dead if it weren't for Elvyran. Kurt was part of something, something bigger. The great cause or ... whatever. "It's not like we're getting anywhere anyway."
Kurt opened his mouth to say something, but then shut it again. He was genuinely startled. It wasn't that he hadn't had those thoughts himself. He'd thought about it, but he... he cared for her. He loved her. He wanted to help her. ---Did that mean he wanted to be her lover? He didn't know. The lines were blurred in there somewhere and he didn't know how to untangle it and straighten it all out. But to hear it from Tommy...? He hadn't actually expected that and he felt his stomach drop.
"You... can't do it?" Like he didn't get it.
It was just another form of running, really. It was too tough. Her past two lovers had ended up dead -- the second one because she'd been stupid and listened to him and ran instead of picking up a gun and fighting for him. She'd fought for Kurt, but it hadn't done much good, had it? Waving a gun around, and she hadn't even been the one to find him. Everything with Tommy seemed like a too little too late scenario.
Tommy shook her head, bringing up a hand to wipe at her nose and kicking herself mentally when she felt her eyes burn. "You think I'm insane, and you're probably not wrong. We are not---" She swallowed hard. "We are very different people."
Kurt reached out and grabbed her hand, forcing her to look at him. "I do not think you are insane. I do not think that!"
He thought she was unstable. He thought she was dangerous. He... thought she was slightly unhinged.
"Don't kid yourself." For the first time, Tommy forcibly broke contact with him, tugging her hand back. "We both know it. You think I'm violent and dangerous and off the edge."
"I----" Kurt brought his hand back, wincing. "I think you are in trouble. I think that you need help. You know you need help. But I do not think you are insane." They'd all seen insane in Arla. Tommy wasn't Arla.
"Insane isn't just muttering in your sleep and writing in numbers," Tommy said softly, shaking. "I can't do this anymore. I love you, but I just can't."
Kurt didn't return the sentiment. He loved her, but he wasn't sure he loved her as a partner, as a girlfriend, as... as whatever she'd wanted him to be. He wanted to take care of her, he wanted to help her, and though he was incredibly attracted to her, this----this was better for both of them, wasn't it? Even though they shared a living space and wouldn't be able to get away from one another. Kurt had felt obligated to continue their relationship for a thousand reasons and ... the fact that she wanted to end it was jarring.
"So ..." It was jarring and it hurt him far more than he thought it would. He felt slightly relieved, though. "So we won't." He reached out and touched her cheek. "But don't shut me out."
It was over. Whatever relationship they'd had was over, if it had really been one anyway. He was taking care of her, and she looked up to him. Idolized him. He wasn't a person to her any more. Kurt was a good damn person, a symbol, an ... ideal. And maybe she realized that.
"I can't be around you," she eventually said, reluctantly. "I'm sorry. I just... --We're done." She didn't specify as what. Needed to get out. Run again. The walls were too close again, and all of a sudden the room seemed way too bright. Tommy needed it to be darker to feel safe. It was just way too bright, and she was getting up without looking at him.
"Tommy----Tommy, don't." Kurt was scrambling, shoving the blanket aside, the cookie falling out of his lap as he tumbled off the bed and tried to get to her. He stumbled and had to hold onto the chair to catch his breath. That was not a good choice of movement.
He didn't understand why she was pushing him away. He could understand not wanting the romantic connection, but Tommy... she was a runner. She ran away from things and holed up in her room and he'd worked so hard to try and help her with that. And now it was coming up again----but directly with him.
She pushed him away out of fear and instinct. The fear of getting in too far, being painfully in love or attached and then losing him. He was one of the X-Men, he was a good person who put himself out there for other people. He was part of the cause, and because of that, he had a target painted on his back. Just like the rest of them. Like Arla. He'd disappear, he'd die, he'd leave, and Tommy? Hell, Tommy couldn't handle that. She was just running before it happened this time.
"Find someone else to take care of." There was a silent please there. Leave me alone, don't make me feel worse. It wasn't malicious, just ... there. "I just want to go home -- and this isn't it."
"Tommy, you can't keep running," Kurt snapped----harsher than he wanted to, but he was in intense pain and couldn't help the way he sounded in that instant.
Tommy stiffened, looking back, hurt but angry now. "I don't know how to keep myself safe any other way." And with that, she was leaving, slamming the door behind her.
Kurt gripped the chair until his knuckles ached, shaking and staring at the door. This was bad. This was bad, but Kurt couldn't register anything. There was too much physical pain, too much of an emotional shock, and all he could do was just sink back down into bed.
He couldn't chase her.