rogue. (absorptions) wrote in age_of_miracles, @ 2008-02-22 18:37:00 |
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Entry tags: | pyro, rogue |
Log: Pyro and Rogue
Who: John and Marie Allerdyce
When: February 18, 2008
Where: around the Lehnsherr house
What: We can has sex now? says John. But no. Because John is paranoid after his conversation with Jubilee and then the conversation turns to babies which… I don’t know where the hell that came from.
John was in a bad mood the entire way back to the Lehnsherr house, dropped off by Hank since they didn't exactly have their own car at the school----no, there was Pyro's car in the driveway, like they'd never left, like things had never gotten totally fucked up. Like Jubilee had never said what she'd said.
Brainwashing his wife. Fucking brainwashing. It was a lot for John to handle but he kept it all to himself and tried not to seem in a nasty mood. Rogue was his wife. Not Bobby's, not Logan's. She loved him, she made her choices, and they had nothing to do with her draining him. ---Maybe he would have hesitated in letting her kiss him, then, but John wasn't thinking about that. John just knew it had been a damn long time since he'd been inside her, since he'd really been with her, even, and he needed her affection. Desperately.
They'd been home for less than ten minutes, making everything comfortable and John rummaging around for his cigarettes and a spare lighter. Once those tasks were complete, he came up behind his wife with a cigarette in one hand, lighter in the other. Arms slipped under her arms, reaching around her----the lighter ignited, flame bounced to the cigarette, and he rested his chin against her shoulder as he brought the cigarette to his lips.
"How're you feeling?" he whispered, kissing the side of her neck and the hair that covered her bare skin.
Rogue had been fairly quiet the entire ride back, not wanting to get into an argument in front of Hank… and not really wanting to start an argument to begin with. She didn’t know what John’s problem was. Sure, she knew he was never thrilled about her time spent with Logan but she’d figured that he’d assume that she was going to go say goodbye to him before they left the school. And, if he hadn’t assumed that… well, then he was obviously deluding himself.
But she didn’t want to bring it up, not if it was going to get him talking crazy again --- what on earth had he been going on about with the brainwashing and all? Yeah, that she didn’t want to touch with a ten-foot pole. So she’d been all but silent once they got inside and started settling it. It was strange to be back here; the entire house looked like it was frozen in the time that she’d ran out of the house to go stop John from getting his ass kicked by Bobby.
She sighed a little, though, when he slid in behind her. Maybe this was a truce. Or maybe he was just incredibly horny. Probably the latter, considering. But that was fine… also considering. Rogue leaned back, putting most of her weight back against him instead of on her crutches. “Ankle still hurts but… it’s not bad. I’m sort of glad not to be stuck in a medlab anymore.”
"Glad to be home..?" John nuzzled her, speaking softly before he took another drag on his cigarette. He was considerate enough to blow the smoke away from her, letting her lean back and support herself on him. He tucked his lighter back in his pocket and stroked her hair, giving it a little tug. The fact that he needed her was more than obvious, but for the time being he was content to try and have a conversation.
There was the briefest hesitation, and maybe if she’d known the things going on in his head she would have made a point not to hesitate when he asked if she was happy to be home. It wasn’t helping that she was having mixed feelings about that.
“Sure, John,” Rogue said softly, carefully balancing to lean the crutches against the wall and shift around on one foot to face him, arms going around his neck.
John slid his arm around her waist to help support her, his lips tenderly brushing over hers. He was a bit more insistent than he should have been----nuzzling, giving slow, nipping kisses to her mouth. He didn't like that hesitation from her, couldn't stand that hesitation from her. "I'm so grateful you're okay," he breathed. Having a fresh cigarette on his breath was slightly better than a stale one.
“You’re grateful,” she said with a quiet laugh, leaning into him and not pulling away, not even when she felt her powers tugging a bit at him. “It’s my fault you were in that mess to begin with…” Dragging her mouth away from his mouth, she kissed along his jaw, down to his neck, kissing lightly against the place where his pulse beat. “…When was the last time we were together? I don’t mean when I was acting like a crazy bitch. That wasn’t me.”
John opened his mouth like he was going to answer, but he had to stop, because he realized he didn't know the answer. He took a drag on his cigarette even as his head spun from the pull of her powers and he stumbled forward a little, groaning and burying his face against her neck. "I don't remember," he hissed, biting her neck sharply. "I don't fucking remember."
Rogue made a quiet sound in response, awkward on her feet --- foot --- but doing her best to press up against him, her lips running over his throat as one hand gripped his shoulder for balance and the other ran down his chest. “I miss you,” she said with a soft whimper.
A little psionic signal and his cigarette went out. He dropped it to the floor and tugged her body close. "I love you," he breathed, his voice low and barely audible. He loved her. He needed her to love him. He couldn't be sure of what was true and real anymore----he wanted to claim her as his own, have proof that he didn't manipulate her. But, if he couldn't have that, he could settle for possessing her and keeping her close.
She lifted her head, threading her fingers in his hair and cupping his cheeks. She’d either heard something in his voice, or maybe had an inkling of what was going on from kissing him, or just intuitively knew that something wasn’t right, but she searched his expression to try to come up with what was just … off. And, still not sure, said softly, “I love you.” Insistently, like she was willing him to shrug off whatever was wrong. It probably wouldn’t go a long way towards getting rid of his fears, especially since she had just absorbed him, but she didn’t know that.
John responded with a sigh, tangling his fingers in her hair and giving her a violent, searing kiss. He was paranoid, yes, but he willingly gave himself to her, willingly gave up his life force for her sake, for her thrill----until he was dizzy, feeling a little sick, and he had to pull back or else he'd collapse. "I----" He swayed, blinking and covering his mouth. For a moment he looked like he'd faint.
“Don’t you dare,” she muttered, steadying him as best she could. “If you fall down, you’re going to take me with you.” That was said with a little smile as she brushed a gloved finger over his cheek. “And, I swear, if you get yourself knocked out right now, I’m not going to forgive you for it.”
John laughed breathlessly, looking pale, dark circles under his eyes. They both looked underfed, thin, like ghosts of themselves, but John didn't care. He kissed her gloved fingers, bit lightly. "I need you tonight," he whispered. Arms pulled her close again and he gave a playful little thrust of his hips to punctuate his words. Typical John. "Let me fuck you tonight."
Rogue made a soft laughing sound and practically melted against him, sighing in response to him warmth. Weak or not, he was still pleasantly warm. “With all the casts and broken limbs, do you think this is going to be more or less awkward than the first time we did this?”
She shut her eyes, swaying lightly, letting him balance her even though she just drained him. “You fucked me plenty when I was… I need…” She wanted to be with him, wanted to make love to him, in some effort to erase the fuzzy memories of those two months when she hadn’t been herself.
John nuzzled her, kissing her jaw and pulling back before her powers kicked in. "I can do that," he whispered, not needing her to finish her sentence. His hands roamed her body, sliding over her clothes. One settled on her hip and the other was brought to her breast.
Letting out a breath, she pressed against his hand, her hips rubbing up against his, pulling only her face back slightly so she could look at him. “Help me upstairs,” she whispered, one hand creeping around the back of his neck.
John gulped, nodding sharply, and despite his weakness he managed to find the strength to wrap his arms around her and guide her to the stairs. He would have lifted her if he had the strength, but... he just couldn't. When he held her, walked with her, it was surprisingly gentle. For anyone who knew John, and for those who didn't, "gentle" wasn't a word that factored into his description. He was brash, he was loud, he was obnoxious, and this kind of affection rarely factored into anything.
She was awkwardly slow and maybe the crutches would have been a lot easier and quicker to get upstairs with. But, honestly, Rogue liked this gentle side of him. And maybe a subconscious part of her thought that if she showed a certain amount of dependence on and trust in him that it would ease some of whatever was bugging him. By the time they got upstairs, she was slightly out of breath and flushed, and murmured, “Now is so not a good time for me to not be using my powers willy nilly.” That would heal her foot right up.
John kissed her ear and chuckled, bringing her over to the bed and helping her back down. His right hand was in a brace, her ankle was fucked up, and they were battered and bruised and sickly, but that didn't stop him from lying down beside her and running a hand slowly down her clothed body. "Tell me you love me again," he whispered. "Tell me you really love me."
Rogue tipped her head towards him with a small smile, sighing at the feeling of his hand running over her body. She’d been very aware that she’d missed this sort of contact with him, but hadn’t realized how much until they were close like this again. “You keep moving your hand in that direction and I’ll tell you anything you want.”
John's mouth twitched and he snickered, sliding his hand between her legs and cradling her almost possessively, the contact firm and certainly not tentative. "I want you to mean it, not saying it when I make you come."
She squirmed to rub against his hand, groaning softly. “I love you. I really love you.” Granted, she seemed a little more intent on his touch than what she was saying. “You know that.”
Something just wasn't settling right with John, and he pulled his hand back a little, brow furrowing. He opened his mouth to say something and then stopped, drawing back and sitting up again. God. God, he couldn't fucking do this. Not with Jubilee's words in his head, not when he was thinking about Rogue and Logan... about Rogue and Bobby... about every little thing Jubilee had said. God damn.
“…John…” Rogue automatically reached for his hand, pushing herself up on her other elbow. She just looked confused, really baffled about what had just happened, what she’d done to make him pull back. “What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?” Maybe she’d drained too much and it was catching up with him now?
"Yeah," John mumbled, rubbing his hands over his face. "Yeah, I feel sick." He stood, leaving the bed and heading out of the room to the bathroom.
Her brow furrowed in concern and it was a struggle just to get up and follow him, having left her crutches downstairs. She was literally moving from piece of furniture to piece of furniture, then from the doorjamb to the sturdiness of the walls to help her along, wincing with each step, stopping only when she’d reached the bathroom door. “John? What is it?”
"It's nothing," said John. He was splashing his face with cold water, bent over the sink. "Just feel sick. I'm weaker than I thought.... sorry."
“It’s not nothing…” Now that she’d had a slow, painful walk to think about it, Rogue was convinced it was more than just feeling drained. He’d been acting weird all day.
"Yeah," snapped John. "It's nothing." Except for the fact that John never splashed his face with cold water. He avoided cold water at all costs.
“It’s not nothing,” she snapped back, her eyes dropping to the sink, frowning. “Would you tell me what’s wrong? Are you pissed about me talking to Logan? I don’t --- I had to say something to him. You know how I feel abo--- you know it was difficult for me to leave. Is that it?”
John was bent over the sink, dripping, breathing heavily and shivering. He didn't answer her. He did not want to tell her about Jubilee, so this was close enough.
“John, you’re shivering. Would you --- would just talk to me. I don’t… we were just fine five minutes ago. And I don’t know what wrong unless you tell me,” she said, staring at him and worrying her lip.
He shoved his hair out of his face and lifted his head to look into the mirror. "I had a little talk with Jubilee," he finally admitted.
“What does that have to do with…?” Rogue made a vague gesture in the direction of the bedroom.
"She said... fuck, it's..." He turned the water off and stood up, trying not to look like a total paranoid son of a bitch----but he did anyway.
“She said what, John?” Rogue couldn’t even imagine what Jubilee would have said that would make John react like this. Since when did he care what anyone from the school said.
"Said I motherfucking brainwashed you," he muttered.
Leaning in against the doorway, Rogue gave John a wary look. “What’s that supposed to mean? Brainwashed me how?”
"Into leaving the school. Into being with the Brotherhood. Into..." John grimaced, unable to look back at her. "Into marrying me."
There was a long pause as she watched him, and his body language. Finally: “Did you?”
John jerked his head up, flecks of water splashing across the room as his hair moved. "What? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You think I brainwashed you?"
Rogue didn’t really look surprised by his reaction, just blinked at him. “No, it just means… did you?”
"What the fuck, Rogue?"
“Is that a no?,” she said with a sigh. “Is that a no, Jubilee’s crazy?”
"I didn't motherfucking brainwash you," John snapped, but it was laced with uncertainty. "I ... I just kissed you. I kissed you and you took my life force... and my thoughts."
Rogue straightened a bit from where she was leaning in the doorway in response to the uncertainty in his voice. She’d expected him to say ‘no, fuck you, of course I didn’t’ so that she could tell him he was being an idiot for letting what Jubilee had said get to him. But the uncertainty made her pause. “…Is that what’s wrong?” she asked softly. “You think she’s right?”
John couldn't answer, but it was more than obvious that Rogue had hit the nail on the head.
She swallowed, frowning a little. “And… that matters? It’d matter if she was right?”
"Fuck, Rogue, of course it matters. It means that... that this..." He gestured between them--- "That this? What we have? Is because you----because I----you realize you were with Bobby longer than you've been with me. You never would have gone to the Brotherhood without me. You hate it."
“But I didn’t marry Bobby. I didn’t… sleep with Bobby. I didn’t… there’s not even any comparison between what Bobby and I had and what we have…” That was the easy part to address. That was simple, no problem. The suggestion that she never would have joined the Brotherhood without him… that was more difficult. “Even if I came to the Brotherhood because of you… even if I hate it… what? Does that… even if Jubilee was right… does that suddenly make this not real?”
"I don't know," said John, spreading his hands helplessly. "I don't know, Rogue. Is this real? Is it? You touch Max Whitaker and you become a raging lunatic.. you keep on draining me, and... I don't know what part's really you and what part's me controlling you."
“You know the way my powers work…” she said softly. “You knew the way they worked. You kept telling me to be proud of them… to use them… but this is why…” Rogue stared at him, one hand gripping the door. “Even if you were controlling me… if that was all it was… what? You wouldn’t want me anymore?”
"God, no," said John, shuddering. "I still want you. I still want you and that's the damn problem. I want you and-----I just... I want to know that you want me. I want to know that I'm not making you want me. I've been in love with you from the first goddamn moment I saw you and I've seen you fall for Bobby, I've seen the way you moon over Logan... and then of all the fucking people in the world, you end up with me. You marry me."
She was still chewing at her lip, worrying at a scab on the inside of her lip that was still healing, trying to figure out what to say that would help, that would soothe her rattled nerves just as much as John’s. “I fell for Bobby because I wanted… I needed to feel normal. I was… this screwed up little girl who didn’t think anyone would ever want me. And Bobby was --- seemed --- normal and safe and all the things I needed. And Logan…”
Rogue winced, she didn’t want to be hurtful with her next words, but honesty seemed like the best idea at this point. “I love him, John. Hell, you’ve got to realize that. But it’s… he’s saved my life more times than I can count. He makes me feel safe. But it’s not the same thing. It’s not --- I’m in love with you. You’re fucked-up and a total asshole and I don’t even know that we can find a way for us both to be happy but I’m in love with you. I’m really in love with you. So I married you.”
John flinched when Rogue said she loved Logan, but he stayed quiet, listening. It was hard to listen to... and she was sincere. He knew she was sincere. He just didn't know if he really had brainwashed her. "I want this to be real," he said quietly. "I need this to be real. I can't go through this thinking that I fucked you up. I'm a selfish bastard ---- but selfishly, I want you to really be in love with me, not manipulated into it."
“Am I so bad like this that it’d be terrible? Am I that different from the way I was when we were back at school together?” Obviously, she didn’t mean when she was acting batshit crazy… but the rest. She was a little more willing to go out and do work for the Brotherhood, sure. But, then, John hadn’t really been around for the three years after he’d left when she’d been doubting things anyway.
John shrugged, pacing the short length of the bathroom as he practically tore at his hair. "I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. My logic is so fucking circular that any time I think I'm good with things it swings right back around."
“John, I love you,” Rogue whispered. “I do. I haven’t stopped. Not for a second. Not when Max’s voice in my head was making me… Not even when Shiro’s powers messed me up. I haven’t stopped. Isn’t that enough?”
John turned away but he reached out a hand for her, taking her wrist and giving her a little tug. He didn't want to talk anymore. He just wanted to hold her.
“John…” She stumbled a bit, barely able to right herself when he tugged her, but managing enough so she didn’t fall over with her bad foot. Rogue pressed against his back, burying her face against his shoulder, saying almost desperately, “Tell me it’s enough. I love you. I don’t want you… I don’t want you leaving me because you think that I’m… that you’ve… Please? I want to be married to you. I want us to have a family. I want us to get old and gross and wrinkly together. Is most of that stuff you even think about it? That’s me.”
John gulped, reaching around behind to take her arm and bring it around his waist. He held her hand, stroking his fingers over hers and then lifting it up so he could kiss her gloved knuckles. "You want to start a family with me?" he asked, chuckling helplessly. "You want to get old and gross and wrinkly?"
“Of course I do. I mean… I don’t want to get old and gross and wrinkly. But since it’s going to happen anyway… I want it to be with you,” Rogue said, squeezing his fingers. “And I know it’s stupid… I know you don’t want… kids or any of that. We’ve had that conversation. But the fact that I do, and with you, doesn’t that… doesn’t that tell you something?”
John laced his fingers with hers, giving her knuckles another kiss. "Tells me a lot," he mumbled. "And I... well, fuck. You wanna know something? You probably already know. That's the pain about your powers, I can't keep anything from you."
“That’s the pain about my powers? Out of all of the irritating things about my powers, that’s the biggest pain about them,” she said with a soft kiss to his shoulder, nuzzling against his neck, her hair falling between their skin to protect him. “Tell me. It’s too exhausting to try to figure out everything in your head.”
"When..." John chuckled helplessly. "When we found out it wasn't true? When we found out you weren't pregnant. That I... fucked the test up or whatever we did wrong..." He rubbed her hand, pressing it up against his chest. "I cried for days." And hell, it took a lot to admit that.
Her hand stilled in his and Rogue lifted her head, not expecting that of all things. “…Why?”
"I don't know," said John, patting her hand awkwardly. "I guess I... I set my mind up for it as much as I didn't want it. I set my mind up for it and realized maybe it wasn't gonna be all that bad."
“Did you ---- you cried for days over something that wouldn’t have been ‘all that bad’?” Rogue said quietly, her hand clasping his.
John rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, snorting. "I... like, I thought up names and shit. I had ideas and... then we figured out that I'm really just a fucking idiot and we made a mistake."
Rogue hesitated. Maybe she shouldn’t ask --- and not just because it would bring up her own reaction to that situation, but because she probably should have been humane and taken what John had already given her without pushing him for more. But she couldn’t help it. She wanted to know. And, contrary to whatever he thought, she didn’t know everything that went through his head. “Like… what? What names? What… ideas?”
John felt totally embarrassed but he did admit, "I dunno, I thought... Erica. I thought about the name Erica."
“After Eric?” She shouldn’t have sounded surprised about it, but there was the faintest hint of that in her voice. “You should have told me.”
"Nah," muttered John. "Didn't seem like a good idea to tell you at the time. But I figured I should tell you now. I don't... I don't completely hate the idea of a family. Doesn't mean I want one right now, Jesus, but I wouldn't hate it. Much."
“Would have made it a little easier to know I wasn’t the only one hurting,” Rogue murmured, pressing another kiss to his shoulder. “You’d be a good father. I know you don’t think so, but you would.”
John chuckled and squeezed her hand. Rubbing it quickly as if to warm it up, he gave her knuckles another kiss. The conversation obviously had him shaken and embarrassed and he didn't feel like feeling that way anymore.
"Can we have sex now?"