Eithne Savastian (got_a_light) wrote in adusta, @ 2010-05-17 21:21:00 |
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Entry tags: | circles, eithne savastian, eragos feareborne |
what is left (eragos)
Eithne shut the door behind her as quietly as she could muster and started off down the corridor. She was in her uniform once again, although her arm was still in the blue sling from the day before. Healers could do enough, but when it was a strain it was pointless and a 'waste of talent' to have them heal that. Besides, even with a team of a thousand healers she was pretty sure she'd still feel as kicked around as she did right now. It wasn't so much her meeting with the Captain that had her feeling so black inside, and anyone who knew the real story knew exactly why she felt the way she did. Cols, Martine, and Geoff weren't tailing after her for once, which meant they were probably back on this duty or that duty. She hoped it was hoeing the yard, or fetching water from outside of Simanel without a horse and bringing it back into the City.
That would have been amusing on any other day. It was a bit amusing, but she doubted Agrippa would give them the same punishment he'd given her. Of course, that was probably because she'd just spent the last hour retelling everything she knew, and how none of them were responsible for what happened, or how it happened, or anything. Eithne had taken every bit of blame, of course it was up to Agrippa whether or not he'd be punishing the others... but she'd said what she felt she needed to. It hadn't been their fault. She had forced each and every one of them to go. With blackmail.. and worse.. She'd purposely begged Eragos to go along. She'd used to friendship with him to gain ground. She'd even.. well.
It was easier to paint herself a horrible person right now. Easier to say she was using them all the entire time then to think she was as emotionally unbalanced as she had been, as she was now. It felt like there was a great gaping hole where her heart used to be, and a month tending to every one's least favorite thing to guard wasn't going to brighten her up. No, she was pretty sure she'd end up slitting her own throat in the end.
With Boq gone and Greenwist under arrest it was a bit easier to breath. But it didn't make her feel better. In fact, she was sure she felt much worse now, but there was little she could do for that. She had her answer. She knew the truth. But now that she knew everything she hated it. She hated knowing, she hated existing, and she certainly hated what had happened. Everyone was gone now. Reg, Callum, and Boq were gone. She didn't know about Montague, but she certainly didn't have the heart to find out. If she found him she would have to tell him the truth. It was her fault that Reg was dead.. because she hadn't ever suspected Boq of..
Once she was outside she hardly had to look around, Eragos was there as plain as day. Probably waiting to hear what happened, or more likely, ready to know if Agrippa was ready to see him. She made her way over, but kept her eyes down all the same. Agrippa hadn't asked to see Eragos, or maybe he already had. She hadn't asked, she'd said what she needed to and knew what she'd be doing for the next few months. She was close enough now to talk to him without anyone hearing, but she was having a hard time thinking of what to say.
He'd been there through all of it, and knew the story as completely as she did. The only difference was that she'd lived through all of it, whereas he'd come into it very late. But he knew.. He'd killed Boq. He'd been able to. Part of her still thought she should have, but the rest of her knew that even with Boq trying to kill her she just couldn't..
"So I'm still a White Rider." She said softly, finally looking up. Part of her would have been glad to be angry with Agrippa for punishing her, but the fact of the matter was she couldn't find any anger in her. She wasn't sure she ever would. Not when she felt as drained as she was.