nonebutgrace (nonebutgrace) wrote in _unwritten_, @ 2012-02-01 20:15:00 |
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Current mood: | worried |
Surrounded by Nothing.
"Surround yourself with people who support you."
Simple advice, really, but less simple when trying to put it into practice. I've felt myself slipping a little the last few days, and I'm sure part of it's hormonal, but I'm equally sure that part of it isn't. I pride myself on being there for the people I love. Which is not to say that I think I'm the perfect friend; I don't by any means. But I try really hard to be aware of what's going on in their lives, being perceptive to their moods, checking in more when I know they're down. Lately I've been feeling there's not a lot of reciprocation going on. At the same time, I'm not sure that I'm doing a very good job with one of my friends. And I really need to talk to someone who's not directly involved, but I haven't even bothered to ask since I can't get them to comment on the mundane shit. I have no reason right now to think they'll respond to something serious.
I guess I'll just talk to myself this time. A. I don't know what to do about her. I don't know if there's anything I can do. She's in trouble. She's been in trouble for awhile now, and by while I mean over a year. But it's getting worse. On an almost daily basis. Her stories didn't make me question her until recently, but now I don't trust anything she says. People are talking about her at work, talking like it's a joke, but it's not. I've tried talking to her, I've tried to help her, I've tried to tell her that I think she needs to see a doctor for her depression. She won't listen to me. Right now I think she's so far gone that she's become delusional, and I'm not sure she even knows how outrageous her lies have become. I'm afraid to keep pushing at her because I'm terrified she'll hurt herself or kill herself when the house of cards comes tumbling down. And it's going to ~ it's already started. She's my friend and I will be there for her when it happens, but I want to help her before then. I want to somehow warn her of how bad it's going to get, but I don't know how. I honestly don't know if she even realizes what she's doing anymore, like I think she might actually believe what she's telling people. I can't imagine what kind of pain she's in right now...actually, that's not entirely true. I've been in that kind of pain before; my reaction to it was just completely different. She has to know things are coming to a head, and I think about how scared she must be, how alone she must feel...I want to help her. It makes my heart hurt when people talk about her, and the thing is, this is the stuff they're saying when I'm around. What are they saying when I'm not there? And how far am I supposed to go? I consistently check in with her, I push her gently and not-so-gently about getting help, I try to let her know by my actions that I'm there for her, and then when that doesn't work, I let her know by saying it outright. She doesn't want my help, and I'm afraid that if I keep pushing her, I'm going to do more damage than good. And at the same time, I don't know how much I believe her about anything anymore. Was she really abused by her mom? Did she really have (and then lose) such a huge amount of money? Has her sister has as many drug problems as she's said? Did she draw any of the pictures she's posted on Facebook? I don't trust her at all. I love her and I'm scared for her and I will do anything I can to help her. But I don't trust her.
And reeling it back into me again...I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this. I could use some advice, some support, some love. And there's not a single person I can ask. Someday I hope there is. Actually, someday I hope I don't have to ask.