nonebutgrace (nonebutgrace) wrote in _unwritten_, @ 2011-12-14 21:24:00 |
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Current mood: | contemplative |
I kissed a girl and I liked it.
I've told you before that I love you. I've told you before that one of the reasons I love you is because you made me examine the way I look at myself. Love isn't conditional, and I don't have a clear reason why you were the person I chose to love. But I did choose you, and it's something that has impacted my life in so many more ways than I could ever express.
When we first started talking, I had never really thought about my sexuality. While I wouldn't say that I had a ton of experience with dating, I had some, and it was exclusively with men. Guys, really, but it all boils down to the same thing. I dated people with penises. It never occurred to me to look elsewhere. The idea of dating a woman, of being attracted to and loving a woman didn't disgust me; I just didn't think about it. When we started talking, that all changed. Pretty much instantly I was...besotted with you. I thought you were brilliant and funny and talented and after I saw a picture of you, beautiful. I think I recognized that I had a crush on you pretty quickly. The excitement to talk to you was there, the butterflies in my stomach were there, the permanent smile was there. Still, it was just a crush. And a mostly platonic one at that. I didn't think about kissing you or fucking you or anything other than being around you. I wanted to be around you. God help me, I still do.
Even after our...whatever it was changed (and to be fair, I'm not sure it was ever what I think it was, or if it was just something I snowballed into what I wanted it to be at a time when I needed it(although I feel like that sounds like a shot at you, which I don't intend it to be)), I found myself looking at women differently. Would I date her? Do I think she's pretty because I want to kiss her, or do I just really like her shoes? Things like that. Things I hadn't ever thought about before. That's you. I looked at you that way (and I never even saw your shoes!) and I started looking at other women that way.
That was five years ago.
Now, when I think about being with someone, finding a partner, a mate, I think it could be either a man or a woman. I don't think it will be you, even though I believe a part of me will always love you and wonder what might have been. The idea of falling in love with (another) woman is still a little scary for me. I'd like to believe that I'm strong enough to handle whatever would happen if I told my family/friends/coworkers that I was in love with another woman. I'd like to believe I'd have their support if it happened. The truth is, I don't know what would happen. I don't think it would come as a huge surprise to a lot of people, but then again, it might. It's the masochist in me, I think, that would like to find out.
Which veers away from what I wanted to say here. I wanted to say thank you. For opening my eyes to possibilities I'm not sure I ever would have considered. For breaking my heart ~ because hearts ought to be broken like that at least once in their lifetime. For being who you were then and who you are now, and showing me that it's not all books and movies. That kind of love does exist in real life. I should know; I've felt it.