Regret. Such a short word for something so huge. I was thinking tonight about love. More specifically, about loving you. About how things started, how they ended. About what I could have done differently, about what you could have done differently. I wonder if you have any of it. Regret, I mean. In thinking, I decided that I wouldn't go back and change anything, not even the worst parts of it. It was honest, even when it sucked. So anyway, I was thinking. For the last 5 years, I've blamed myself 100% for what happened. Everything was my fault; I was wrong, I was at fault, I wasn't worth you. I think that's why I've always held out hope; if I could somehow fix whatever I did, then maybe you would love me again. Except I'm not sure you ever loved me. And I'm not sure it was 100% my fault. I can take a good 75% of the responsibility, because I fucked up. And I was fucked up. But the truth is, you were backing off before either of those things happened. Maybe you were bored, maybe you were scared - I don't know, and probably never will. But you were backing off. And maybe my response to that could have been better, but when I started to slip into depression, you never asked if I was okay. You never asked if there was anything you could do, anything I wanted to talk about. You disappeared. And I slid even further. You were never responsible for my depression; I don't want it to sound like I believe that, because I don't. But you weren't there for me when I expected you to be. And regardless of where we are now, that fact will never change. And even though I still love you - and would still jump at the chance to see where we could go - I think a part of me would always fear the same response if I ever went through another depression. It makes me sad to think like that, and more than anything else, I think that makes me accept the fact that it's never going to happen. I mean, I think I knew that already, but there's a new level of acceptance now. I think that's also what's motivating me to move on. I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things this year, and while I will always love you, I'm starting with you. And the possibility of us.