Things Wot I'd Say if I Had the Right to Say Them.
I think about you. I try not to, because it always makes me a little sad, but I do. I think about whether or not you're happy, whether or not you've realized yet how amazing you are. I think about conversations we used to have and I think about how you said you're always the one who takes on all the burdens of everyone else, and how you wished that once in awhile someone would be there for you in the same capacity. I tried to be, I just don't think I was very good at it. I feel like I failed you, and that's what I think about most when I think about you. I read a line in a book the other day that said, "I think about you like that. I try not to, but I do." I try not to think about you that way, but I still do. There's regret and a sense of having missed some huge opportunity that I didn't even know was there, and now sorrow because I know I'll never have that opportunity again. We'll never have that opportunity again. I think about the years that have passed, and I wonder what might have happened if I hadn't failed. Would we be together now, as friends like we are now, but more, or maybe something more with the friendship added in? Would we have made a history together, created stories that would be more than memories or fantasies in my mind? Or would it have been a temporary thing, long over now, and would the memories I have now be tinged with bitterness. I don't know, just like I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop having these non-conversations with you. I tell myself that it's not like I'm rewriting history , or even that I'm trying to, really, but there has to be a reason that I keep talking to you like this. It's not closure; if that's all it was, then I think I would have found it by now. Although I guess I've found it in some sense. I've stopped believing that things will ever change between us. I wouldn't want them to go back to how they were, because as stupidly happy as I was for part of it, I was also insanely unsure of myself most of the time. For the most part, I'm okay with how things are now. I miss you, and I wish we talked more than we do, but I still get happy when I hear from you. And I like knowing that you think about me sometimes. I like thinking that there are certain things or certain times that make you think of me more. There are dozens of things that make me think of you. That's one of those other things I'd tell you if I could. Certain songs or certain smells or certain times of day. I'll be doing my thing and then all of a sudden you'll be right there, taking up a louder part of my brain or my heart than usual. Most of the time it makes me smile.