00nd Month 1000 • The Wizarding World's Beguiling Broadsheet of Choice • 5 κ
SIRIUS BLACK, BLACKER THAN HIS NAME?
By Rita Skeeter
We all know about the exploits of Sirius Black, the ancient and most noble houses disgraced heir. Why, just in the last few weeks he got into a public fight with Severus Snape, adopted a baby pig with said Slytherin, and filled Auror Alastor Moody’s office with flowers! This doesn't even begin to cover the wide array of mad transgressions Sirius Black seemingly gets up to every single day. The wealthy playboy has been gracing the front page of this paper at least once a month since his sensible family kicked him out at age 15. And yet none of those things even begin to come close to his latest escapade.
Sirius Black is married.
Yes, you read that right. The serial philanderer has tied the knot, and no, it isn't with James Potter. Late Saturday night Sirius and a certain Clorinda Hopkirk were seen sneaking into an off limits tomb in Egypt where they performed an illicit wedding ceremony. Hopkirk had only just met Black when she somehow convinced him to marry her.
Is it all a ploy for his vast fortune? Is Clorinda a succubus in disguise, weaving some powerful magic over the notorious womanizer? Or is it all just a cover for an even more scandalous tale? This reporter, for one, thinks it is.
It has recently come to this reporter's attention that Sirius Black is, in fact, a Werewolf!
This would explain a great deal of his shady behavior, including his constant disappearances on the days of the full moon, his notoriously violent temper, and his recent hiring of known werewolf Carter Flint.
“He's a Werewolf for sure!” says Magda Odenkirk. “I saw him one day down a dark alley and he was eating something that was all raw and bloody! When he saw me he snarled and tried to bite me!”
“I've seen him transformed!” says an anonymous source. “It were full moon, see, and I were walkin past his club, an this hulkin black wolf come runnin out o’ his back door an down the street! I was feared for me life!”
“I heard it on good authority!” says Oliver Blat. “He's a werewolf alright! My friend wouldn't lie about something like that!”
The evidence is incontrovertible. Sirius Black has always had a lot to hide, but this is more than any of us saw coming. This reporter has to ask herself, if Black really is a werewolf then why isn't he registered at the Ministry, and why is he running around London with no restraint? Who knows how many innocent people he's slaughtered in his unending thirst for blood. Furthermore, how does Ms. Hopkirk fit into all of this? Is she an innocent victim of the monsters lustful ways, or is she the creature who turned Black in the first place? Whatever the truth, the Ministry would do well to investigate before more lives are lost.
Mary MacDonald, Scarlet Woman? By Rita Skeeter
Love has certainly been in the air recently. But is there more going on than meets the eye?
Mary MacDonald has always seemed like a respectable, if outspoken citizen. But it has come to this reporter's attention that Ms. MacDonald has been seen kissing a married man!
Yes, the feisty young prosecutor may not be as innocent as she wishes to appear! She was seen sexually accosting a married man in the middle of Diagon alley with no thought of propriety or decorum. Perhaps she wished to make a scandal for the upstanding gentleman, perhaps she was looking for a pay out, or perhaps her raw, untameable lust simply needed to claim another victim.
Our hearts go out to the poor, wronged man, who for courtesy’s sake we shall leave nameless. We urge all citizens to keep a wary eye on Ms. MacDonald in the future, lest the scarlet woman try to wreck yet another home.