|ladyofshadow (ladyofshadow) wrote in 80sficpicalooza,|
@ 2008-05-12 22:28:00
|Entry tags:||^big trouble in little china, author: ladyofshadow, may 12|
"Old Chinese Recipe", Big Trouble in Little China, Egg Shen/Jack Burton
Title: Old Chinese Recipe
Warnings: reference to the goings on of a certain part of the male anatomy
Word count: 1,034
Prompt: Big Trouble in Little China, Egg Shen/Jack Burton: Natural Male Enhancement – What’s in it, Egg?
A/N: Quotes from the movie utilized near the end. Certain scenes tweaked for the benefit of my twisted mind. So, consider them Extended Scenes from the movie, lol.
Jack took a hearty gulp of beer and winced. He looked at the green bottle in his hands, unable to read the Chinese characters on the label, and shook his head. Potent stuff, but it tasted like shit. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “What’s takin’ so long, Egg?”
“Patience,” Egg called from the kitchen. “I’m not a professional chef.”
“Whatever, Egg. I can cook faster than this,” Jack rolled his eyes and grabbed another beer bottle, giving his pal a look.
Wang frowned. “You better not be drinking all my beer!”
Jack rolled his eyes. “Easy Wang, I ain’t drinkin’ all of it.”
Egg walked into the room, scowling at the brash American that had his feet crossed on his table. He smacked the feet with a wooden spoon. “Show some respect! That’s my grandmother’s china. You break it, I break you!”
Jack put up his hands in mock defeat and moved his feet back to the floor. He raised an eyebrow at the pot Egg placed in front of him. “What’d you make?”
“Old family recipe,” Egg said. “It make you strong. My grandfather’s grandfather pass it down. He say it help him get my grandmother’s grand-
“You still haven’t told me what’s in it,” Jack cut him off.
“If you listen, I’ll tell you!”
Jack folded his arms, made a motion to zip his lips, and bade Egg to continue with a wave of his hand. He reached for his beer and settled back to listen.
“It make the dragon big and strong,” Egg beamed proudly.
Jack choked on his beer, pinching his nose in pain as the alcohol burned down his nostrils. “What??”
“This make me get all the ladies.”
“What ladies?” Jack wiped his hands on his jeans.
“Gentleman never talk about his sex life,” Egg said.
Jack winced and closed his eyes. “Great, now I gotta burn that image outta my head. Thanks, Egg.”
“You’re welcome,” he said.
“So, you’re tellin’ me that this pile of whatever the hell this is makes your dick bigger?”
“Yeah right,” Jack said.
“I prove it to you,” Egg went for his waistband.
Jack threw up an arm and yelled, “Egg!!!”
“What? You said you didn’t believe me and I offer you proof!”
“That’s not what I meant you old pervert,” Jack growled.
“Just try what I make,” Egg said.
Jack sighed and looked to the table. It looked like a mishmash of various meats and spices, mixed together in such a way that he really couldn’t recognize anything on sight. He wasn’t sure he even wanted to know what was really in the stew pot. He watched Egg pray over the food, wave his hands over it – electricity crackling between his palms, and then slide the components into a stew. “What was that magical mumbo jumbo?”
“No mumbo jumbo,” Egg chided.
Jack swallowed convulsively when the stew was ladled into a bowl and placed in front of him. The smell was less than appealing. “You sure this is safe to eat?”
Egg took a spoon and shoveled some of the mix into his own mouth.
Jack watched him for several minutes and when he didn’t notice any ill effects he picked up a spoon and carefully dug in. The texture was not something he cared for, but the taste itself was actually…good.
“Not bad, Egg.” He dug into the stew.
Egg refilled his bowl. “You show great courage.”
When he was finished, Jack sat back and belched. “That was good.”
“Just you wait,” Egg chuckled, “especially with this fine warm day. Now that you’ve finished eating, let us go rescue those girls.”
----Underneath China Town----
“See things no one else will see do things no one else can do,” Egg said looking at them all.
“As real as Lo Pan,” Egg Shen.
“What’s in it, Egg?”
“Wind, fire, all that kind of thing,” Egg said. “I make you special drink, Jack. You should be okay even if you’re not Chinese.”
Jack gave Egg a skeptical look, but took a swig of the potion.
“Hey, I feel pretty good,” Jack said. “I’m not scared at all.”
“I’ve got a very positive attitude about this,” Wang said.
“Is it getting hot in here?” Jack shifted a little. He absently tugged at his waistband.
They exited the elevator and came in on Lo Pan’s wedding ceremony.
The moment of truth, the needle of love…
…guide my hand as I insert this needle into flesh.
“Let him complete the ceremony and then he is ours for certain,” Egg said, preventing Jack from shooting his gun.
It wasn’t too long after that when all hell broke loose.
Jack approached the altar after Egg and Lo Pan squared off.
“It’s me, Gracie! Oh…oh my…do you have a gun I hope?”
“Don’t worry, I took something. I can see things no one else can see,” Jack said to her.
Gracie stared at the ever increasing bulge in Jack’s pants. “Oh…oh my…”
“Why don’t you take a picture, sweetheart?”
“Even now…after all this…You pig!”
Jack grinned and turned his attention to Lo Pan. “See Lo Pan,” Jack said, taking a flask from his pocket. “This’ll really help you with your earthly pleasures.”
Jack motioned to his crotch and it was in that moment that the contents of the stew and the magic potion decided to mix. Pleasure coursed through his body and he jolted as if stunned by electricity. He fell to the floor and writhed, fumbling at the zipper of his pants. The fabric was coming undone at the seams and pain mingled with short circuit bursts of pleasure.
Gracie ran toward Jack and screamed, “EGG!”
“I did not anticipate this,” Egg reached for some beads in his pouch and threw it at Jack’s pants. “You will come out no more!”
Powder burst over Jack and dissolved on his body.
“Get up, Jack. Lo Pan is getting away!”
“Working on it,” Jack mumbled to Egg from the floor. “Lo Pan needs some of this shit.”
“Jack,” Gracie glared down at him.
“Sonofabitch must pay,” Jack scrambled to his feet and staggered up a set of stairs after Lo Pan.