Who: Ben and Jack What: Needing Some Advice When: Sunday November 1st Where: Outside the Church Tent Rating: Mild Status: Complete
Ben wasn’t really religious, he never had been growing up and his parents didn’t force it upon him and considering some of his personal life choices both in the past and present he probably wouldn’t be in the good books with the man upstairs anyway. He knew exactly why he regularly went to Reverend Conrad’s Sunday morning church service, it was for Fitz. Although there were occasions where he woke up late and missed it, but he did have to admit that the good Reverend had a way with words.
When the service was finished he shook Conrad’s hand, thanking him for a good service as he left the tent where the ‘church’ was set up in, Ben always went out first knowing that Fitz would still be a bit longer wanting to talk with Conrad or someone else. After checking the time on his pocket watch he put it back into his coat pocket, damn he couldn’t wait to get back to his wagon and out of the suit that he wore every time he went to church. They still had to do set up after moving to New Mexico but that wasn’t for at least the next hour, enough time for everyone to get changed and ready to help out.
His ‘Sunday best’ was a little on the shabby side, but that was common among the carnies. Jack rarely missed a service- well save for those mornings when the pain in his legs were even beyond Kieran’s help. Kieran- the Angel. It was still something Jack was wrapping his mind around. As the service ended, Jack found himself noticing Ben outside the tent. He’d been running the idea through his head for a while, but hadn’t acted on it- until then.
Jack wheeled his chair up toward Ben and nodded politely. “Hey Ben.” His eyes squinted as he asked his question. “Ya got a moment t’talk?” He asked. The worse the man could say was he was busy. But his interactions with the performer had always been decent. He just hoped what he wanted to ask would go over well- or that he wouldn’t be making a mistake in opening up to someone about… well, Kieran.
Ben was standing a short distance from the tent, looking around the area that would be home for the next month. What caught his attention was the nearby mountain range that seemed to tower above the whole town, despite the cold which he loathed with a passion he had to admit that it was beautiful and maybe there would be some snow on top by the time they left. He had created a flat coin sized disk from fire and was letting it roll in between his fingers, just something he did to pass the time.
His attention was brought back by Jack’s voice, he hadn’t seen the nod as he wasn’t really focused on the younger man at that moment. “Jackson,” he smiled, accent still as strong as ever despite his time in America. Turning to face Jack he squatted down so they were at eye level with one another. “Oui, I’ve got time. What is on your mind?”
His eyes glanced around a bit, they weren’t directly in the flow of people leaving the tent, but also not isolated. “Not here… It’s- it’s a bit personal.” He tried to explain without making it sound like something the other man should avoid. “Mind if we head over by the wagons?” He knew Kieran would most likely be heading to the med tent to get it set up first thing- just in case someone got hurt while they were setting up. So, he didn’t have to worry about the man stumbling upon them.
While Ben had no idea what kind of personal talk Jack wanted to have, but more than one person had sought his advice about many subjects over the years and he didn’t mind giving it to them, he just made sure they knew that it was just his own opinions and not to be taken as gospel. “May I?” Ben gave a nod towards the handles of the chair, asking if it was alright for him to wheel Jack towards the wagons and somewhere a bit further away from everyone else.
After getting a nod he stood up, took the handles and wheeled Jack slowly away from the tent and towards the wagons where they would be able to talk, stopping out the front of the one that he shared with Fitz, Ben turned the chair to face the steps before moving around to sit on them. “What is wrong, mon amie?”
Fingers ran along the fabric of his trousers, a bit apprehensive about broaching the subject on his mind. “Nuthin’s wrong, not really. Jus’-” He took a bit of a breath in. “Some stuff… well some stuff’s happened- changed of recent an’ I’m jus’ not sure.” Jack let out a small laugh and ran his fingers through his hair. It was more difficult than he thought to put his feelings into words.
“You an Fitz, I know you’re… I mean most know you’re not really ‘brothers’.” He said, making sure he didn’t talk too loud. It wasn’t his secret to share and he was nervous enough about his own stuff that he wouldn’t put someone else off to those who didn’t approve of such things. “How’d ya know it was… not gals you liked?”
There was a tiny smile, Jack was a bit flustered and it was kind of cute. Ben just sat there, elbows resting on thighs as he listened, knowing that Jack would eventually get out what he wanted to say. Pulling his thick coat around his frame a bit more to keep out the New Mexico chill he gave a small nod when Jack mentioned about him and Fitz not really being ‘brothers’, it was probably one of the worst kept secrets in Zion. “You are correct, we’re not brothers.” He replied softly, taking a breath as he thought about the answer he would give to Jack.
“I knew there was something… different about myself. I had bedded women but it wasn’t overly joyable for me, I actually found them rather boring.” He didn’t mention the part about the fact that he couldn’t stay hard while bedding them, that might be a bit too personal and not something the younger man needed to know. “Fitz had been working for me for… almost five years beore we…” A small smirk. “It was only then that I began to think that maybe that was the reason the mademoiselles didn’t interest me.”
Jack laughed nervously. He honestly didn’t know what to expect, definitely not the older man to be so forthcoming. For a moment he thought about it. He and Kieran had really only- they were going slow. He knew it was because of him too. What they’d done he’d liked- hell more than a decade before he’d made the first move and kissed him. Just took a long time for things to- the timing wasn’t right back then. But, he thought about what Ben said about women just not doing much for him. Jack thought back and, sure, he didn’t have a lot of partners- it took quite a bit for most people to get past his chair- but he did have a few, all female. He’d enjoyed it, it hadn’t been boring. Their feel, smell, touch, all of it had been quite… enjoyable- even if he was slow to rise thanks to his injuries.
But, that same feeling he got with women, the butterflies, warm feeling… he got that with Kieran too- he’d had a crush on him since he was a teen. So, what did it mean?
“I see.” He said, not sure if it had helped- well it hadn’t hurt at least. “And you don’t…” Jack glanced around a bit. “I mean most think that kinda thing’s not right. Reverend’s never read those parts, but some bits in the bible say it’s wrong too. Mean God dun like it.” So why did he let them feel that way? “You think it’s one of the tests the Reverend talks about? Or-” He hoped ‘or’.
It took Ben a bit to come to terms with his feelings towards Fitz in the beginning, until the day when he gave into the fire inside of him and acted upon them. Then he found it the feelings were mutual and things went from there, that was over ten years ago and he still loved Fitz as much as he did in the beginning, if not more.
Sitting there stroking his growing facial hair Ben could see Jack processing the information he had just given, he didn’t know the situation and at the moment it wasn’t really his place to ask why the sudden interest in how he knew his feelings. “Oui, the bible says it’s a sin, but it also mentions a lot of other things are sins and people still do them.” He shifted forward in his seat a bit. “God is love, yes? If he judges who we love and how, then it is not a god I want to know.” That was as religious as he got.
It was one of those times he wished his Ma and Pa were still around. Would they approve? “I don’t know if it’s that easy- for me. Ma always said God looks out for us, even when bad things happen. She said he saved me in the accident that took my Pa.” And put him in the chair. “You’d think that with all that’s happened I’d not believe.” His mother’s death and his coma. “But I just can’t help it. And ‘sides, it makes sense right? I mean y’need a man and a woman t’have a kid. I’m the last of my folk- so do I jus-” Jack pursed his lips, not intending to ramble as he had. Things were just so confusing and nothing seemed to quiet his questions.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean t’- Here I am askin’ things all personal like, an’ you’ve prolly got lots a’stuff ya need to do.” He made a move to the handrails on the wheels of his chair, thinking he should leave Ben be.
He didn’t mind the rambling, he wished that he had someone to talk to when he was figuring it all out in the beginning of his relationship with Fitz. But when he saw that Jack wanted to leave his hand reached out, stopping the wheels before the younger man had the chance to move them. “You do need a man and woman to have children yes, but that is not just what sex is about. If he…” Ben’s eyes slid upwards, as if to indicate God, “didn’t want us to do it, why did he make it so pleasurable? And why did he give us free will to choose who we love? He should not care if you love someone with breasts or without, only that you love them.”
He took a breath and a bit of a risk with what he spoke next. “You like him, am I right? Does he make your belly feel like it’s filled with butterflies? Then that is what you focus on, forget God and society, focus on him and nothing else.”
“Huh? Who? No… I mean... “ Jack sighed. “Yea.” A small laugh escaped him. “I mean nuthin’s really- happened.” Well, not like full on sex. “It’s- we’re taking it slow. It’s different than with a gal. And it’s not like I can really give a lot.” He winced slightly, he was being way to forthcoming, but also felt the need to defend his manhood with how his phrasing sounded. “I mean I can… but just can’t-” He gestured his hand slightly. “Move…” The few girls he’d been with had sort of just done their thing. He had a hard time picturing how things would work with Kieran.
Not that the physical stuff was what was important. “He’s been there for me since- I’ve known him.” Kieran had been the one to watch over him and keep him healthy when he was in his coma- never gave up on him. “I keep findin’ myself wantin’ t’like, touch him. Just like his hand or arm or sumthin when we’re eatin or stuff. I end up jus’ drawin’ him instead.” Jack admitted. “Really, I think-” Jack shook his head. “Nah, nevermind. It’s stupid.”
As Jack spoke part of Ben felt sorry for him, whatever injury had put him in the chair had done damage to other areas by the sounds of it, but he knew that Jack didn’t want his pity, he knew Jack well enough to know that he hated it when people pitied him. “The two of you will figure it out, I’m sure of that. Where there is a will… there is a way and I know that you will fight for it.” And other than different positions there were also other things that Jack and his mystery man could do that didn’t involve actual sex.
A small smile spread across his lips, remembering what it was like for Fitz and him, well how it started with Fitz’s hands lingering just that bit longer than necessary and even now how they’d still find those moments to just touch one another. “Then if you’re not around a lot of other people give his leg a pat under the table. Fitz and I do that a lot, I also pretend that his hair has fallen forward and move it behind his ear.” Although that might not work if this man had short hair. “Or brush his hair down as if it was out of place, he might like it.”
Jack nodded. “Thanks. I mean, thanks for talkin’ t’me. Not a lot who’re open ta- well... you know.” Many in Zion had filled that ‘father figure’ role for Jack over the years. But not one person ever seemed to be good at every part of it. His mentor and Kristoph had helped him with accepting what he was and what he could do. The Reverend helped him spiritually. Louis and many of the outer roustabouts had helped him when he needed repairs on his wagon or chair or just needed to do something that he was limited by. His mom had talked to him a bit about girls, but most of that he’d figured out on his own. Kieran had been there for him during his loss, but it hadn’t been father like- more like a good friend. Still, when it came to the real personal stuff, he found himself lacking- probably why he was so racked about the whole thing. “Means a lot y’took the time out.” He smiled slightly. “Even if I prolly was a bit- y’know.” Nervous? Awkward? Childish? New?
“Oui, I know.” So many others could offer advice on women but finding advice on situations like this with men was that bit more difficult, which was why Ben was so open about it with Jack. The only other man he thought Jack could ask was that water guy Finn, but being opposite elements they didn’t really get along that well and he didn’t know what the relationship was like between the other two men so he didn’t mention him. Ben did give Jack’s forearm a friendly pat though. “It is alright, the only silly questions are those you never ask. You know where I am if you have more questions, but I do suggest getting this man alone and kissing him, those butterflies may like it.”
Jack chuckled a little and nodded. “Alone ain’t really that hard to come by.” He said. Which was probably a big hint at who this man Jack was talking about was. After all, it was no secret that the doc had been rooming with Jack since he was 21.
“But I should prolly go… Busy day an’ all.” He pulled back on his wheels with a smile. “Thanks again. Really- feels good t’talk ‘bout things.”
Ben gave him a knowing little smirk, in a way he was glad that Jack had an interest in someone, even if it was his good friend. "Take advantage of the moments you are given, and enjoy them."
Standing up from his seat on the step of his wagon Ben put a gentle hand on Jack's shoulder. "All the best Jackson, go and get that man"